a BM dilemma and vent - sorry so long

I had sort of grown apart from one of my close childhood friends and had just started to get close with her again right before FH proposed. I asked her to be a BM sort of on a whim and she was excited to be in the BP and I was happy to have her. After that, I rarely heard from her. No calls, no emails, no texts (except jokes or forwards). I tried leaving VM's, IMing, emailing, texting, etc. and could NOT get a response from her (I wanted to put her in touch with the rest of the BP so they could pick out the dresses and whatnot). After about 4 months of not hearing from her or getting texts like, 'I've been busy but I promise to call you soon,' I pretty much wrote her off and assumed she wanted nothing to do with the wedding. I wasn't happy about it, but I got over it and actually was happy with 4 girls in the BP. Fast forward to now when it's time for everyone to start making actual decisions about the dresses and I start calling her again assuming she'd just say, for one reason or another, that she couldn't be in the BP. Also, I didn't want to make any assumptions if she really did want to be a BM and then have her hear from our other friend (who is a BM) that everything is planned and she's no longer a part of it. On my birthday she called (but didn't leave a VM) and sent me a message on facebook. I responsed saying that I really needed to know one way or the other whether or not she wanted to be a BM. She sent back this message:

'Hey girl!

i would love to be a part of your wedding! I didnt think you still wanted me to be in your wedding party because we havent been able to hang out like we used to be. But if you still want me, it would be an honor for me to be there on your special day! I feel no obligation, and i would love love to be there hun!

so let me know what and where i have to be and ill drop it all just for you!

i love you girl <3'

Now I feel like an a$$ because she already wrote herself off as a BM and, frankly, so did I. But I got myself into this situation. How do I get out of it? Keep her as a BM? Tell her it's a better idea if she's not? I don't want to start drama but I also don't want anyone in the BP who I'm not going even going to be talking to down the road, which seems like the direction in which this friendship is headed. What do you girls think?

she really put you in a tough spot....

What i would do in your situation is tell her that you think that the relationship you once had had grown apart and you don't want her to feel obligated both personally and financially to the bridal party.

you can tell her that you know she means well but the relationship is not the same.

i would be straight out, you would like to rebuild the friendship that seemed to be happening when you first got engaged but that as far as a bridal party you would feel like your putting her out b/c you've been out of touch for so long....maybe she can be involved in another way like handing out programs at the church or something?

sorry thats not much help....i'm sure she'll understand....but dont make her a bm just b/c you feel bad to tell her....you might regret it in the end and that would be worse

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Posted by flairforfashion

I think the other girls pretty much gave you the right advice. This is a tough situation. Have you talked to her yet?

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since she sent that message, I haven't spoken to her. I've been mulling this whole thing over and trying to think of a diplomatic and non-dramatic way of handling this. Now I'm just using the avoidance tactic but this is kind of holding things up

I think you should just be straight and tell her that being a BM is a very big commitment and you are really worried that she might not be there 100%. You need to list all the responsibilities of being a BM and if she doesn't think she can be there fully, then you think its best if she is just a guest. Tell her its time-consuming and costs $$ to be a BM...maybe that will scare her off!

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Posted by Cacarina

I think you should just be straight and tell her that being a BM is a very big commitment and you are really worried that she might not be there 100%. You need to list all the responsibilities of being a BM and if she doesn't think she can be there fully, then you think its best if she is just a guest. Tell her its time-consuming and costs $$ to be a BM...maybe that will scare her off!

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That is REALLY REALLY good advice. but do you think that, after all this, there may be a strain placed upon the friendship and she won't even bother coming to the wedding? I'm so worried about that! I want to rebuild our friendship and not lose her completely as a friend, but I don't want to her offend her!

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Posted by Future Pepper

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Posted by Cacarina

I think you should just be straight and tell her that being a BM is a very big commitment and you are really worried that she might not be there 100%. You need to list all the responsibilities of being a BM and if she doesn't think she can be there fully, then you think its best if she is just a guest. Tell her its time-consuming and costs $$ to be a BM...maybe that will scare her off!

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That is REALLY REALLY good advice. but do you think that, after all this, there may be a strain placed upon the friendship and she won't even bother coming to the wedding? I'm so worried about that! I want to rebuild our friendship and not lose her completely as a friend, but I don't want to her offend her!

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Start the email/conversation with, I would absolutely LOVE if you were a BM in my bridal party. Then explain to her the responsibilities and the fact that you will need to be able to get in touch with her for now on. Since you have been having trouble gettting in touch with her in the past you are worried...

I would just say it like you don't want to burden HER, not that you don't want her in the wedding party...

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Posted by Cacarina

I think you should just be straight and tell her that being a BM is a very big commitment and you are really worried that she might not be there 100%. You need to list all the responsibilities of being a BM and if she doesn't think she can be there fully, then you think its best if she is just a guest. Tell her its time-consuming and costs $$ to be a BM...maybe that will scare her off!

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exactly...it is more than putting on a dress!

Hey hun! This is olddddd news but.....

I just have to comment! I had a similar situation...except it didnt happen until AFTER we got married...one of my friends ( like you said ) we got close right before we got engaged..same thing! So even though she wasnt apart of the other very close group that I have always been friends with since kindergarten, I invited her to be apart of my BP....I had doubts at first, since we only became close again for 3 years and I was only called if she 'needed something' One of those friendships! Anyways....She was apart of my BP and then fell off the face of the earth right after our wedding. It was a slap in the face and an insult. I tried calling her, emailing and texting. I remember calling her like 4 times in a week because I was really concerned that she was still alive. Meanwhile she was just toooo busy for a 30 sec phone call, so 2 weeks later she called me to tell me she cant talk?!!! So I got pissed and then she got pissed for me telling her off....She got engaged a few months later...I was so happy for her...and she called me a million times to meet her at the mall...I thought WOW...she really wants to see me! NOPE she just wanted to show me her ring and then said she left her wallet home and left 10 minutes later!!!!!!!!!! Mind you this was not that long after our wedding 4 months....she didnt invite me to be in HER bridal party and then talked trash behind my back and told me that being my friend was more like a full time job! ahhaha...so yeah....watch out for people like this....I wouldnt have her in your BP in the end it makes things more awkward. I found out later on also...and saw emails that this girl complained about the timing and prices of EVERYTHING involving my shower and even jipped my SIL out of money! So yeah....sorry this is long...but im sure everyone can learn from my experience. Quality is better then quantity! xoxo Good luck