a friend who is not a BM

ssdbk Posted: Feb 04, 2005 12:10 AM

a friend who is not a BM

I have a friend that I did not ask to be a BM. There are several reasons and I am very sure of my decision. Also, I have not known her for the same amount of time that I have known my bridesmaids. Still, I think that she expected to be asked. She probably realizes by now that I am not asking her. Should I have a heart to heart talk with her and mention that I am sorry but I was unable to include her, or should I just not say anything????? I don't want to be presumptuous by apologizing to her, and acting like I assume that she was dying to be in my wedding party.

marc_rai Posted: Feb 04, 2005 12:22 AM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

You should definetly call her or email her and let her know. I had the same situation, but I had to tell like 4 girls. It was awkard but they understand because I have friends in my life from 2nd grade.

bluesashbride Posted: Feb 04, 2005 08:09 AM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

i have the same situation. since i asked my girls months ago, and my shower is coming up, she definitely knows she's not in my wedding. i let it go. if the tables were turned i would understand and just let it go, and enjoy going to her wedding so i figure why make excuses to her and make her feel worse. if SHE brought it up i would gladly explain my feelings to her, but she proly wouldn't agree or like them since basically i just don't consider her as close to me as the other girls.

gina&ken Posted: Feb 04, 2005 08:23 AM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

i have a similar situation (mostly because I haven't known her as long and i wanted to keep the bridal party small) so I'm going to ask her to do a reading because i want to include her. You should tell her.

sophie78 Posted: Feb 04, 2005 08:32 AM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

I would not say anything. You could mention that you wanted to keep it small, but I would not address it directly. It could be embarrassing for her.

JBKempf Posted: Feb 04, 2005 08:44 AM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

Posted by am470

I would not say anything. You could mention that you wanted to keep it small, but I would not address it directly. It could be embarrassing for her.

That is the approach I would use. It could be even more hurtful to talk about it.

JenNeen Posted: Feb 04, 2005 10:49 AM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

we kept it tiny and i know that there are probably a few that expected to be asked....i let it go. you have to do what's best for you on that day. don't stress.

SeptemberBride03 Posted: Feb 04, 2005 11:01 AM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

I say it depends on the specific situation and your relationship. Why does she 'expect' it - if there is a reason than maybe you should talk to her. I had a friend in my party that talked constantly about how when she got engaged and I was in her party we'd have to do this or that. Well then she decided not to ask me and spoke to me about it. Of course I assumed I'd be in so I was hurt, but glad she told me her reasons (she picked one person from each stage of life - family, growing up, high school and college). She would have had 11 people if she had all her best friends and I know that I wasn't her best college friend as she isn't mine either.

MRSJLK Posted: Feb 04, 2005 01:56 PM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

Is there anything else you would want to include her in, like maybe a reading in the ceremony or something else? This way she can still be included just not as a BM?

gNi1125 Posted: Feb 04, 2005 03:23 PM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

Posted by am470

I would not say anything. You could mention that you wanted to keep it small, but I would not address it directly. It could be embarrassing for her.

I agree. There's always that chance that she wasn't thinking about it.

curliegirl Posted: Feb 04, 2005 03:27 PM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

I would let it lie.
I am in a similar situation, except the COUPLE is my brother and his soon-to-be wife!

They didn't ask me (they aren't having a bridal party, although she really wants one), and they have created such drama over everything concerning their wedding, I don't even care anymore.

So I am keeping everything even and not even addressing the situation.

Over the past few months since I have been engaged I have learned this valuable lesson: Don't go looking for trouble unless trouble comes looking for you.

Keep your mouth shut and you will be okay. I can't say what will happen otherwise.

May05Bride Posted: Feb 04, 2005 04:03 PM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

I think the best thing is to let it go.
If you talk about it, it may came out wrong, and than, you may loose the friendship.
She'll figure it out, and if she wants to, she will bring it up to you. Than you can talk. If not, its probably better not to.

I was on the other side of the coin. I expected a friend to ask, and she didn't. Honestly, I got over it, in my time, in my way. I am glad that she didn't bring it up, I would of said things I didn't mean. I am happy that I got to figure things out for myself, and Honestly, I realized I don't care about this one day.Thats her day. I have a lifetime of friendship to look forward to

Dooodles Posted: Feb 04, 2005 04:08 PM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

If she brings it up, just tell her you and FI decided on a certain amount of people for the BP. I wouldn't bring it up though. I had a small BP and had 2 close friends do readings. Are you comfortable if she did that?

halfpintny Posted: Feb 05, 2005 02:07 AM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

When my MOH was planning her wedding this is what she said to me....I wish I could have included ALL my friends in my BP but then it would be even more huge than it already is. I want you to know how special you are and how much your friendship means...would you honor me by handing out the programs for the ceremony?

After hearing this there was no way I could be disapointed or let down

Robinella Posted: Feb 05, 2005 11:04 AM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

i have the same situation. I was the MOH in my friends wedding this past october and didnt ask her to be in my bridal party (at her wedding she said 'can i be your MOH' right as i was saying goodnight to her...i just said 'u dont want to' and walked away lol) Her wedding kinda strained our relationship (i was forced into it) and now we barely talk. Whenever I talk to her she never asks me anything about my wedding but talks about our other friends wedding. I think shes ignoring the topic because shes hurt about me not asking her...but i wanted a small wedding party and i only asked 2 of my bestfriends and one of my sisters (i have 4 sisters!). I'm waiting for her to ask me about it...i dont think its necessary to bring it up. I want her at my wedding..and i dont think it makes her any less of a friend cause shes not in my wedding party.

jimmysgrl Posted: Feb 05, 2005 11:07 AM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

How interesting, I had the same situation too. There were these 2 girls from H.S. that I was in their bridal party, although we have drifted quite far a part and I think they both felt like they had to have me in it to spare each others feelings and so when my time came, it was clear I wouldnt' ask one of them because...well, she got married a second time and didn't even tell me about it but the other one I was SURE would say, 'well forget you, then' So, I was going to let it go and let her see the names of my bridal party on the website but really, it was killing me not knowing how she would respond. So I kind of chickened out and wrote her an e-mail explaining that I know she was going to be trying for a baby that year and I didn't want to tie her into anything, etc. etc. She was fine with it and 2 months later, she calls to say she's pregnant!

pschica Posted: Feb 05, 2005 11:36 AM

Re: a friend who is not a BM

this happened to me....it is a little awkward but we also had her help in other ways and included her as much as we could...she loves planning events so she was my unofficial planner and angel the day of! she loved going around making sure everythign was perfect and she had the inside scoop on everything too! in the end, she was happier than if she had been a bm...my advice - find some other way she can help and them make it a big deal about how much it means to you and dh (and mean it of course!) if you want, or just be honest with her and talk it out....its easier to do it now than to have her harbor bad feelings! good luck!