A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back...AND yet another email

Original post by AlisonMT

Jan 09, 2004 12:21 PM

Ladies, I'm upset and confused and need to vent a little (apologies for the length of this). I also need some advice.

I have this 'friend' who, every so often, turns out to be really two-faced. For example, we're getting along great in person and then she lambastes me with some email for some tiny thing I apparently did to her that most of the time I don't even know I did or was relevant. But for the past 7 years, we have sung together in an a cappella group and remained friends, so I thought. She even made my veil for my wedding! So I thought things were ok.

The singing group broke up last year and we agreed to meet in January '04 to discuss when/if we wanted to start up again. We met the other night, the three of us remaining, and I had a great time seeing these women. It was fun and felt like old times. And there didn't seem to be any animosity.

Well, yesterday, I checked my email and there was an email from her completely bashing me! Only this time, it wasn't addressed to me, it was addressed to the other girl in the group, but this woman had accidentally sent it to me instead! And the entire email was complaining about me for reasons I didn't even understand, including an accusation that I fake my allergies! She was completely talking behind my back (or so she thought) and I couldn't help but wonder how often she does this, above and beyond the occasional nasty email she intends to send directly to me.

I was so hurt and upset that she would do this and now I don't know if I can bring myself to sing with her, much less continue our friendship under this pretense. It certainly sounds like she doesn't want to be friends with ME anymore if she hates me so much and feels the need to complain to someone else about me! I wrote her back telling her how hurt I was but received no reply. What should I do?? Should I just email both girls and tell them I changed my mind, I don't want to be part of the group anymore? I am so upset.

Thanks for listening and for any advice.

PrincessRose Posted: Jan 11, 2004 01:46 PM

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

My FBIL is a sophomore, studying biology. He transfered in last fall. I don't know if he's pledging. My Dad was in Seal and Serpent.

AlisonMT Posted: Jan 11, 2004 02:10 PM

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

Oh funny...my ex from college was in Seal! How odd that you seem to have connections to my ex-boyfriends! I wonder if you know my ex from high school. JK.

PrincessRose Posted: Jan 11, 2004 02:27 PM

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

Where'd you go to High School?

AlisonMT Posted: Jan 11, 2004 03:27 PM

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

Commack.

You?

groovypeg Posted: Jan 11, 2004 03:53 PM

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

Posted by AlisonMT

Commack.

You?

AlisonMT Posted: Jan 11, 2004 05:24 PM

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

1991

groovypeg Posted: Jan 11, 2004 11:01 PM

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back

AlisonMT Posted: Jan 12, 2004 09:15 AM

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back...AND yet another email

Just a final (?) update on this situation. I sent the email about not feeling comfortable starting up the group and here is the reply I got this morning. Not sure if it's genuine or BS...

Alison,

I really do hope you forgive me and my actions. I've been with a heavy heart all weekend about the whole thing. I still do feel very terribly, for what it's worth.
I don't know whether it was irony or Murphy's Law or what, but I spent a lot of the weekend cleaning up closets and going through boxes of stuff (I keep tossing photos and mementos in boxes with the fond hope of putting them into scrapbooks). Anyway, I came across an old black and white card of two girls telling secrets...I opened it up and it was from you, for Valentine's Day, 'for my tell-everything friend' the card said, sent in happier times. Then I found your wedding thank-you card with the nice things you said along with some pictures I took from your big day. There were a couple of other keepsakes, too. We've been through a lot and we've been friends a long time...so it saddened my heart that I jeopardized that for some stupid vent that I got over in half a second, but would hurt you and perhaps irrevocably damage the friendship. So I suck...I know it, you know it...and I'm still sorry.

I understand about your decision, though. You need to do what your heart tells you. No one can fault you for that. I'm saddened by the decision, naturally, but you probably need some distance from me for a while.

Well, I guess that's all I can say.
Take care.
-J

Sage10.03 Posted: Jan 12, 2004 09:24 AM

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back...AND yet another email

Honetsly, that sounds like a guilty conscience if I ever heard one....
No doubt she feels bad...but does she feel bad for what she did, or b/c she got caught?

IMO, this would not change my decision to not sing with the group, nor resume the friendship b/c there would always be the trust issue.
But ultimately the decision is yours and you have to do what your heart tells you....

Good Luck!!! I know it's not easy!

Xelindrya Posted: Jan 12, 2004 09:30 AM

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back...AND yet another email

Posted by Sage10.03

Honetsly, that sounds like a guilty conscience if I ever heard one....
No doubt she feels bad...but does she feel bad for what she did, or b/c she got caught?

I agree.. I think it's more that she got caught. Still it's a sad situtation all the way around. You trust people and hope they will be your friends. Over time you open up and let them in. The closer they get the more pain they can cause. It's a risk we always take when having friends. It's hard to be hurt and look away after such a long time spent together. But sometimes you have to do whats best for you. That doesnt necessarily mean walking away nor does it mean you should let it go. It just means whatever you do, you must do for yourself.

Good Luck.

PrincessRose Posted: Jan 12, 2004 09:43 AM

Re: A friend who's not: What would you do? - UPDATE: She wrote back...AND yet another email

I went to New Fairfield High School in CT. HOWEVER, I had a camp counselor in 1990 who was from Commack, who would probably be around the same age as you. Her name was Beth (sorry I can't for the life of me remember her last name), and she was rather heavy-set with blond-ish hair. It was at Camp Eisner, a Reform Jewish Camp. So maybe there *is* a connection. LOL

As for J's latest letter, I don't know how I'd respond. My former BF and I have a similar history, where she's always doing stuff and I'm always forgiving her. FH says that she's not worth the time, and so right now I don't know that I would forgive her.

I would have to say: decide whether or not she's being honest, whether or not you want to forgive/trust her again, and THEN on the status of your membership in the group. I wouldn't sing with the group if she's going to be going behind your back all the time.