A little problem...can use some advice....

We are having an interfaith wedding. I spoke to my FH about him wearing a yarmulka during the ceremony and he has no problem with it; we are actually going to get him a custom one).

He commented last night, 'If I have to wear a yarmulka, then why don't you wear a cross' I was shocked and I didn't know what to say.

How would you respond to something like this? He does make a good point!

whoah!
a cross and a yarmulke are 2 very different things!

that crosses a boundary.
a cross is a symbol of faith.
a yarmulke is a symbol of respect.

you are not asking him to be a jew and thus he should not ask u to be a christian.

ETA:
your fh's point is not congruent w/ you asking him to wear a yarmulke. if u were asking him to wear a star of david, that's a different story, but then u'd be in the wrong too...

I don't think it's the same thing

all Jewish men wear yarmulks in temple- but all catholic people don't wear crosses

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Posted by evnme

whoah!
a cross and a yarmulke are 2 very different things!

that crosses a boundary.
a cross is a symbol of faith.
a yarmulke is a symbol of respect.

you are not asking him to be a jew and thus he should not ask u to be a christian.

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very well said

I would say that wearing a yarmulke is not the same as wearing a cross. It it much more along the lines of wearing long sleeves in a church or wearing a hat. Wearing a yarmulke shows respect for the event, but does not mark you as Jewish.

However, the reaction your huband gave concerns me on other levels -- have you guys talked much about the issue of children?

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Posted by evnme

whoah!
a cross and a yarmulke are 2 very different things!

that crosses a boundary.
a cross is a symbol of faith.
a yarmulke is a symbol of respect.

you are not asking him to be a jew and thus he should not ask u to be a christian.

ETA:
your fh's point is not congruent w/ you asking him to wear a yarmulke. if u were asking him to wear a star of david, that's a different sotry.

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Good point...I'll have to explain this to him. Thanks

A yarmulke is not a symbol of faith whereas a cross is. Many non-Jewish people do not have a problem wearing them. We had A LOT of non-Jewish guests at our wedding who wore them.

But a Jew will never wear a cross or a crucifix because it represents Christ who is not our savior. We also believe that there are no physical representations of G-d. That is why, when I have been a guest at a Catholic wedding, I do not kneel before a cross and certainly would not take communion, the body of Christ. I cannot and will not show reverence to something I do not believe in.

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Posted by hocus

I would say that wearing a yarmulke is not the same as wearing a cross. It it much more along the lines of wearing long sleeves in a church or wearing a hat. Wearing a yarmulke shows respect for the event, but does not mark you as Jewish.

However, the reaction your huband gave concerns me on other levels -- have you guys talked much about the issue of children?

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Yes we've discussed this issue and its not a pretty discussion. I actually dislike this topic very much. We have decided to neither have a bris (Jewish) or a baptism, and none of the above (Communion, bar mitzvah, etc)

We will have a Christmas Tree and Menorah and celebrate passover and Easter....but no religion classes.

FMIL says this will confuse the children. When time comes and they are old enough to say mom/dad i want to go to church...fine. Until then..............

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Posted by pigs222seal

Yes we've discussed this issue and its not a pretty discussion. I actually dislike this topic very much. We have decided to neither have a bris (Jewish) or a baptism, and none of the above (Communion, bar mitzvah, etc)

We will have a Christmas Tree and Menorah and celebrate passover and Easter....but no religion classes.

FMIL says this will confuse the children. When time comes and they are old enough to say mom/dad i want to go to church...fine. Until then..............

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this is a touchy subject- My DH was on of those kids- whoses parents didn't want to make them one or the other- and they will never choose on there own- I feel like you have to enstill a reglion when they are little or it will just get lost

I think your way is nice-

I don't think they are the same at all. Are you having the ceremony in a synagouge? Why do you want him to wear a yarmulke?
We are interfaith and he is not wearing one. We will have no symbols of religion whatsoever in our ceremony. Well, we will be breaking the glass, so I guess that could be considered a 'symbol'.


ETA: The comment about you not liking discussion of religion regarding children worries me. Especially the part about your FMIL saying something. You and FH have to decide NOW what you will do and you both need to make it absolutely clear to your parents. You don't want to make this an issue down the road when the kids come along. Resolve it now.

Not that I know the right answer, but a cross is typically jewelry and not church wear as well.

I don't see that they are the same thing...but I don't see that making him wear something associated with one faith that isn't his own while you refuse to do the same is very fair either...but I do agree that a cross and a yarmulka represent different aspects of the faiths.

And based on your 'children' post, obviously neither of you are going to 'convert' to the other faith...so maybe you don't make either one falsely represent that image to your guests? Your grandfather could be sitting there thinking, well, how nice, he's going to become/has become Jewish. Meanwhile your FH has NO intentions of doing so.

I also think this topic is beyond our help really and you guys should seek the wisdom of your rabbi/priest/pastor in reality.

Please do not interpret what I'm about to say as this happenning to you-just an example of how hard it can be to bring up kids when you have parents of different religions..

My brother and my former sister in law had an agreement that if the first child was a boy, then all the kids would be jewish. If the first was a girl, then Catholic.

I thought it was a good compromise kind of letting G*d make the decision in a way-if you believe in that, but it didn't work out in the end.

After she had the baby (boy) she couldn't allow the baby to have a bris or to be Jewish and to convert him. It tore her apart. She got her way, both boys are Catholic but understand the Jewish religion since we are Jews.

My brother loved her too much and she was in too much pain over it. It's sad it ended up like it did (there were tons of other problems in the marriage)-but the kids have one religion and understand the other.

The younger one (15) recently expressed an interest in Judiasm.

To answer yoru question..it's not the same. I agree with the other posters.

Here's the thing, at my reform temple in CT, we asked EVERY SINGLE MALE who walked in to the sanctuary to put on a Yarmulke. It's a symbol of respect. When I had my bat mitzvah, all the non-Jewish males there wore a yarmulke. When I got married, we asked that every male there wear a Yarmulke, and at the very least all of our GMs wore one (and only two of the 8 were Jewish).

You're not asking him to wear a Magen David around his neck. You're asking him to be respectful.

Just some insight... I'm Catholic...I did not grow up around anyone who was Jewish and frankly...I'll admit it...I'm ignorant when it comes to another religion. With that being said...maybe he's the same and doesn't understand what the actual meaning of a yarmulke is...I know I don't. I just associate it with the Jewish religion...and think it's great that he's accepting to wear it.

If I were you...I would explain the difference between a cross and a yarmulke like Goldi1021 did.

I agree with all the above posts. A yarmulka is a symbol of respect that is acknowledging a higher power is present and often people of all different religions will wear them inside a Temple.

However, I would not ignore that he seems to be trying to tell you it makes him feel uncomfortable to wear one, just as it would make you feel uncomfortable to wear a cross. Would it really bother you if he didn't wear it? My FH and I are both Jewish, but we are getting married at the hall and he decided not to wear one.

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Posted by vixchik

Not that I know the right answer, but a cross is typically jewelry and not church wear as well.

I don't see that they are the same thing...but I don't see that making him wear something associated with one faith that isn't his own while you refuse to do the same is very fair either...but I do agree that a cross and a yarmulka represent different aspects of the faiths.

And based on your 'children' post, obviously neither of you are going to 'convert' to the other faith...so maybe you don't make either one falsely represent that image to your guests? Your grandfather could be sitting there thinking, well, how nice, he's going to become/has become Jewish. Meanwhile your FH has NO intentions of doing so.

I also think this topic is beyond our help really and you guys should seek the wisdom of your rabbi/priest/pastor in reality.

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I agree. I think it will appear a little off balance to have him physically showing respect for your faith (with the yarmulka) and not have to doing something that honors his in the same manner. You might want to have a discussion with your FH... maybe he's not as ok about wearing the yarmulka as you think.

About the handing a cross to his mother... be careful.. to some guests it may look like you are rejecting her faith, by handing her a cross when it's clear that you do not intend to practice her religion. Add that to her son wearing a yarmulka and the ceremony might look strange to people like me, who don't know much about the Jewish Faith to begin with.

Regarding the kids... I agree with another poster - as much as you hate it now... you'll hate it even more when the kids arrive and everyone is pressuring you to do this or that... I would battle it out now, this way it's not hanging over your head....

Good Luck

ETA: This is JMO and I think it's great that we have this post too. I know more about the Jewish faith than I did before.. and I always wondered about the significance of the Yarmulka
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