A personal rant, advice please.

I don't know if anyone remembers me mentioning that my mother has decided to not come to the wedding. To recap a long, drawn out story, she doesn't want to come because I didn't buy her the mother's day present she wanted. Now she won't answer my calls.

The problem is now I am going to a lot of functions with Gary's family. Next week is our engagement party and my mother won't be there. I don't know how I am going to handle the questions about her not being there. Should I tell them the truth or what? My grandmother will be there and my aunt and cousin, but that's it this time around.

I have been pretending that it doesn't bother me, but it does. My father is dead so it's bad enough I don't have anyone to walk me down the aisle, but I don't have a problem with that. I went to a wedding last night and the mothers were very involved in the ceremony and the reception. Now I feel like I am being cheated out of something.

I am just wishing that I had a real mom who gave a damn about me rather than herself. My grandmother and uncles have all called her and pretty much yelled at her for treating me the way she has my entire life. But they said she will still not come. I think that's the only reason my aunt is coming, because she knows that my mother won't be there. And my aunt lives way deep into Connecticut. She also took care of me when my mother wouldn't.

At what point will it sink in that I have to accept my mother for who she is and to stop expecting her to be the mother that I need. Sometimes I really need a mother and I don't have one. As much as my mind knows and understands it, emotionally I still have that longing for that parental connection.

Anyway...I am just blabbering now. That wedding last night just made me realize what I am missing.

That's all I can say.

You might be better off if she skips all the wedding activities, rather than making a scene if she does show up... Sorry that she isn't there for you. I wouldn't lie about it to anyone. I think that will make things harder. JMO. I hope you have a wonderful bridal party who can help with all the wedding details. And there's always us to help!

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Posted by fashionhag

At what point will it sink in that I have to accept my mother for who she is and to stop expecting her to be the mother that I need. Sometimes I really need a mother and I don't have one. As much as my mind knows and understands it, emotionally I still have that longing for that parental connection.

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I think it just did sink in for you.

Hang in there, no parent is perfect. Your mom sounds totally selfish and that's not going to change. Just make peace and move on...it'll make you feel better. This is not the venue to choose your battles. The consequences are too long-lasting.

PS - what in the world would be such an important present that she'd stop talking to you? It doesn't sound like a present, more like a demand. jeez

You can either say your mother couldn't make it, or something like, I'm not close to my mother, but I'm my grandmother (or aunt) is here. We are really close. Have you met her?' and then lead them off to introduce them, thus ending any awkard conversation.

It seems to me that you have a mother in your Aunt.
A mother doesn't have to be the person who gave birth to you - she can be the person who is there when you need her, and the one who looks out for you.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.....I don't know what I would do in your situation....

I'm sorry that your mom is making ou go thru such an ordeal. Trust me, she will regret it.
I was thinking maybe have your grandma or your aunt walk you down, since they seem to care about you so much. JMO Good luck though.

Hang in there Fashionhag.
At least it sounds like fi family is there, involved and normal.
At least you have your grandparents.

Hang in there- she's obviously hurting and trying to hurt you by being non respondent. Otherwise she wouldn't be going out of her way to break contact with you.

Focus on the good you have- the man of your dreams, an new extended family, a fabulous life together. Throw yourself into your planning or something positive.

This os you day- allow NOONE to ruin it.

If you need to chat feel free to FM me.
I can write a book on CRAZY MOthers!

My father did not attend my wedding. VERY FEW people even asked about it. As I see it, I don't need to explain myself to anyone.

I never volunteered any information to anyone. When they did ask, I simply said, 'Unfortunately, my father was not able to make it today.'

NO ONE asked for any more information.

I remember you originally telling this story. I can't believe your mother is holding a grudge like this. I don't mean to offend you, but like you said, your mother is very selfish. Yes, if you want her in your life you're going to have to accept that to some degree, but you also don't have to sit back and quietly take her cr@p. You mentioned that your grandma and other family members have tried talking/yelling at your mom. Do you think it would do any good if you gave her a piece of your mind? Let her have it a little, she deserves it. And I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, I'm not one to disrespect my mother, but in this situation I think yelling is quite appropriate. Feel free to FM me if you need to vent/talk some more.

I'm So Sorry! Have you tried confronting her in person (Sorry I don't know if she lives close). Maybe if you confronted her in person and told her exactly what you just said to us about what you want, maybe she'll come around. If your in her face, she'll have to hear you out and maybe it will make you feel better to get it out in front of her. If she doesn't respond, than you know that your true 'mother' figure is your aunt who helped raise you.
My DH doesn't have a mother either. She's alive, but when he was about 16 yrs. old, his mother took him out to lunch. They ate the whole meal and befor ethey left his mother told him she had to tell him something. Well, she told him that she never ever wanted to see him again. And he hasn't ever seen or heard of her since. So, my point is, don't regret later on not trying to get her involved or trying to reach out for her and resolve your differences. Get out what you have to say to her now, so that down the line you won't have any regrets. At least you tried!!

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Posted by ikasse02

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Posted by fashionhag

At what point will it sink in that I have to accept my mother for who she is and to stop expecting her to be the mother that I need. Sometimes I really need a mother and I don't have one. As much as my mind knows and understands it, emotionally I still have that longing for that parental connection.

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I think it just did sink in for you.

Hang in there, no parent is perfect. Your mom sounds totally selfish and that's not going to change. Just make peace and move on...it'll make you feel better. This is not the venue to choose your battles. The consequences are too long-lasting.

PS - what in the world would be such an important present that she'd stop talking to you? It doesn't sound like a present, more like a demand. jeez

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I don't understand this myself. I agree also that your aunt seems to be your 'mother.' Hang in there. You don't owe anyone an explanation. If you want to tell the truth, do so. If not just say she couldn't make it and be done with it. You have to focus on all of the people that ARE there for you and love you. That should make it a little easier.

Ok I have a lot of experience here. My mother was not at my wedding. She wasnt invited, but at that point I dont think she would have come anyway. I have been poorly treated for most of my life, (especially my adult life). I too, feel very cheated. But you cant change people. You can only control what you do. If she were to come, would she be a supportive loving mother that would make you feel special on your wedding day? If the answer is no, than you may be better off without her around. FM me if you ever need to talk.

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Posted by palebride

It seems to me that you have a mother in your Aunt.
A mother doesn't have to be the person who gave birth to you - she can be the person who is there when you need her, and the one who looks out for you.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.....I don't know what I would do in your situation....

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So true!

Also, I wouldn't feel like I had to explain the situation to anyone, esp at your eng. party. If anyone asks just say 'she is not here' and if they ask why, say 'its a long story' . Let the party be fun for you and don't let all the drama get in the way.

It sounds to me like your mother doesn't like the fact that you're getting all the attention and that your wedding is all about you. By behaving badly, she's getting lots of attention and it sounds like she's managing to make your wedding about HER, at least somewhat. Don't let her do this. She's being selfish and hurting you. I think you should concentrate on how great and supportive the rest of your family is being. I doubt anyone will even ask about your mom at the party.

I disagree with some of the other girls--I don't think you should confront your mom, and maybe your other relatives should stop yelling at her. Why spend time and energy on something negative when you have so much positive stuff to think about? And if everyone is ignoring her, she won't be getting what she wants--attention. I bet she'll stop ignoring YOU pretty quickly. If she's not involved in your wedding activities, then in the long run, the one she'll hurt the most is herself.

WHat kind of gift did she want. My mom is just as happy if she gets a card. Its hard for me now since my mom doesn't live in NY. My aunt is coming with me when we look for places. I hope it gets better for you.

My heart really goes out to you. I would just try to focus on the life you are starting with your new husband and vow to be a different kind of mother to your children. This day is about you and you deserve to be happy... and if she doesn't understand that then, honestly, she doesn't deserve to be a part of it. I'm so sorry for what your mom is doing.

im so sorry that you are going through this. i dont really know what to say. I hope everything works out for you. I think its really nice though that you seem close to your FH family

-Jennifer