A vent..how to deal with everyone's two cents?..

FH and I decided to have a small wedding (with less than 50 of our closest family and friends).

FH's mom and sisters comments to FH: 'What about what you want? You like big parties!' FH decides to add a few more people to the guestlist (he is inviting 6 friends and their wives. I am only inviting 1).

We talked about not having a bridal party (other than a maid of honor and best man). I felt like having a bridal party would just complicate things and all we wanted was a simple wedding ceremony!

FH's mom and sisters comments to FH: 'We're very hurt your not including us or the kids'. Result is now we have his two sisters and all 4 of their kids in this wedding party. Not a biggie because if they don't mind spending the money on dresses and hair and make-up that is fine with me. (*And my brother is not in the bridal party in any way and has no problem with this).

We decided not have an engagement party, rehearsal dinner, or shower. I don't have issues with such things.. I just don't see them as necessary for our super small intimate wedding. And I don't want to put unnecessary pressure on my family and friends to buy us more gifts for every party we decide to throw. I have been to enough celebrations to know that people often dread them because of the expense.

FH's mom and sister's response: 'You'll regret it. 'You should make the most of this experience'

Everything from the e-ring I picked, to the choice of venue, to the STD's I've chosen, to deciding not to register has been met with criticism from his family. Surprisingly, my mom (who is usually the hard to please one) has been exceptionally supportive of all our decisions.

I am really surprised by their reactions... and this is the stress and problems I had hoped to avoid by having a small, intimate affair.

What kills me is that one of his sisters had a VERY untraditional wedding. She married a man she did not know for very long, spent $700 on her wedding, and cooked all her own food. She did not have a bridal party, or a bridal shower and she did not register for gifts! It really blows my mind that apparantly this was perfectly acceptable for her but everything for our wedding isn't?

So I just needed to vent... because this is getting to the last straw and I am losing my cool about it. Feel free to add any of your own comments, experiences, two cents...

I am sorry you are dealing with this... I feel that no matter what your plans are for your wedding, people will put in their two cents. Whether you were having a huge wedding with 300 guests and a large bridal party, to a small, intimate wedding, people would have something to say. Bottom line is, whatever you and your FH want, people are going to have to get over it and deal. This is the beginning of your lives together, so why would you have a wedding that is not 'you'? Is your FH on par with everything you are doing? Or did he want a bigger wedding? If a small wedding and everything was what he wanted too, then he should really tell his family to mind their own business.

I just recently got engaged and am already hearing it from FH's family... they want us to get married in a church, by a priest, etc., when that's really not that WE want. Not to mention that they are not helping us pay! So FH has told them he doesn't want to hear it.

You should really have a talk with FH about his family and how he can handle them, that way you can enjoy wedding planning like you are supposed to. Good luck!

its sucky...but i totally agree...no matter what your plans are, people are going to put their 2 cents in!

the way i deal with it, is by limiting my wedding conversations with people.

i don't ask for opinions and i don't offer info about the wedding when i'm around certain people- this way theres no window of opportunity for them to share their opinion!

I totally agree with everyone here. I'm also getting a lot of people offering their opinons about my wedding as well.

I've just been saying to them 'I really appreciate your input, and we'll consider your ideas. I'm so happy you're as enthusiastic about our wedding as we are.'

They seem to be appreciative that I've acknowledged their ideas, but I've also let them know that it's up to me and FH to make the final decision about our day.

I think you should sit with FH and really express how you feel. The day he decided to propose, he made you and your wants priority and his parents/sister secondary. He needs to know it's you and his wedding NOT his family. Let him know how much it hurts you and assuming he's a good man, he will listen to you and make the necessary adjustments to make you happy! The reality is, when will them meddling stop, if he doesn't put his foot down now, this will happen all throughout your marriage

Good luck honey.

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Posted by MrsList

FSIL probably regrets her choices and is trying to help. But I would nip this behavior RIGHT in the bud - if FH is so swayed by his family, what will happen when you have kids, buy a house, etc.? You're not in a relationship with THEM - you're in a relationship with FH so he needs to grow a backbone and tell them No, this is what we decided.

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ITA If shes not happy the way her wedding was thats her problem. You and FH should do want you want its your day.

sorry to hear about your frustrations ...

you and your FH need to stay firm about not giving into other people. You need to do what you want to do and ignore everyone else (with a smile hehe).

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Posted by dianeb888

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Posted by MrsList

FSIL probably regrets her choices and is trying to help. But I would nip this behavior RIGHT in the bud - if FH is so swayed by his family, what will happen when you have kids, buy a house, etc.? You're not in a relationship with THEM - you're in a relationship with FH so he needs to grow a backbone and tell them No, this is what we decided.

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ITA If shes not happy the way her wedding was thats her problem. You and FH should do want you want its your day.

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I agree, remember its your wedding not their's

I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with this. You sound like you've done everything you can to make this as simple for everyone involved as possible. Unfortunately men are momma's boys. LOL. The best way to deal with it, is just politely tell them 'Thank you, we'll take that into consideration.' and do what you want anyway. Good luck!

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Posted by MrsList

FSIL probably regrets her choices and is trying to help. But I would nip this behavior RIGHT in the bud - if FH is so swayed by his family, what will happen when you have kids, buy a house, etc.? You're not in a relationship with THEM - you're in a relationship with FH so he needs to grow a backbone and tell them No, this is what we decided.

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I agree it's possible that FSIL regrets her choices. Also FMIL may be feeling like she missed out on a traditional experience when FSIL got married. My brother had a small wedding and a chunk of our extended family were not invited. While my parents definitely respected their decisions, I know they wished they had been able to have more of their family there to celebrate. So when I got engaged inviting the extended family was the one first discussion we had. It just so happens that I don't mind a semi-large wedding (140-ish) and thankfully, was able to work out a budget. For me it comes down to being sensitive to everyone's feelings, talking honestly with my FH, coming to a decision/compromise together and then holding firm to that.

Sometimes it turns out to work out for the better... I was adament about not having an engagement party but after a couple of arguments, my mom convinced me otherwise. And even in the day's leading up to it, I wasn't thrilled about having it... I didn't want people spending the money or anyone to feel like they had to give us gifts, etc. The party was in my parent's backyard with immediate family, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents and the only friends being our BP. Unfortunately, 10 days later FH's father passed away suddenly. But I feel so blessed that my family had a chance to meet him and that FH's family was able to celebrate with him at our e-pary. It makes the memories of that day that much more special.... So you never know how compromising on something you may not necessary want to do can turn into something amazing. Anyway, I've rambled way too much! Sorry!

You need to put a stop to this behavior ASAP. First sit down with FH and decide what you two feel is best for YOUR wedding. If his mother/sister object, tell them that you've heard their opinions, but in the end you are going to go with what is best for the both of you, not them.

You need to let them know now that you and FH are the decision makers in terms of what happens in YOUR lives...not them.