Hey girls....I have a question for you...kind of a what would you do kind of question.
I do not get along with my FMIL....initially we did, but then some things started happening, and now we don't. Things blew up at our engagement party afterwards when we (Me, FH, my parents, his parents) tried to discuss her 'issues' with me.
In any case, prior to our engagement, the night he told her he was going to propose, and after our engagement party, she told him she wasn't coming to our wedding.
So he asked her last night if she was coming and she said 'I don't have an answer for you right now and besides, you don't need to have an answer until August'.....Well, our wedding is in November.
What I need to know is do I go forward with my plans including her or not including her? We have flowers and limos to do; then there is the unity candle, the list of info we give the DJ, the programs....not knowing is killing me as I am trying to plan OUR wedding.
So what would you do? TIA.... :)
Response: Well, FH has tried to bring up the subject several times; he has said several times to her you don't like her....but FMIL never denied it, never sat down with her son to discuss the issue. We tried to talk to her after our engagement party, but it went nowhere. She didn't even want to be at the party to begin with; she sulked the whole time. Then she didn't even want to talk about her 'issues' with me....bottom line is she (along with FBIL and FSIL) blames me for the things FH does or doesn't do...so unfortunately, there is no sitting down with her to discuss things.
Thanks for all the comments!
KerriJohnS
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Re: Advice - FMIL issue
Include her. I think it will make you look like the bigger person. If she decides to not come then that's her decision and she will be the one who looks bad for it.
I think that if you include her and she decides not to come in August it will be easier to just remove her from the equasion than to do it the othe way around.
i don't know what your personal issues are with her.. but it seems like she is acting a bit immature about this. I mean it's her son getting married.. it's his choice to marry who he loves and wants to marry and she should support that no matter what. If she wants to act childish then let her act that way all by herself. If she never comes around then it's her loss not yours... you got your husband.. she will just lose her son.
JamDancer
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Re: Advice - FMIL issue
Posted by KerriJohnS
Include her. I think it will make you look like the bigger person. If she decides to not come then that's her decision and she will be the one who looks bad for it.
I think that if you include her and she decides not to come in August it will be easier to just remove her from the equasion than to do it the othe way around.
i don't know what your personal issues are with her.. but it seems like she is acting a bit immature about this. I mean it's her son getting married.. it's his choice to marry who he loves and wants to marry and she should support that no matter what. If she wants to act childish then let her act that way all by herself. If she never comes around then it's her loss not yours... you got your husband.. she will just lose her son.
I agree. Be the bigger person and it shouldn't be a big deal to remove her if she doesnt come.
dedecakes
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Re: Advice - FMIL issue
I think that you should talk to FH's mom about the issue. Tell her that you would really like to include her in the wedding and that you need to know ASAP so that you can make plans. If she says she doesnt know. Tell her that you and FH cannot wait till the last minute to include her in the plans, so if she can't give you and answer now, then you will assume she is not coming. Maybe that will cause her to be less stubbon and accept the fact that the two of you are getting married.
melcc83
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Re: Advice - FMIL issue
If i was in your position I would attempt to talk to her, I dont how bad it is so I dont even no if thats an option. If that doesnt work I would go ahead with my plans with out her, I mean what do you really need her for? Like I get along with my FMIL but I dont really need her I may fill her in on things that were doing and stuf but thats really all. Its not like your own mom where you wouldnt wanna look for a dress with out heror something likethat
MrsCtobe
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Re: Advice - FMIL issue
Honestly, I would plan it with her in it. Any way you slice it you come out looking good. If she comes then she has a place, if she doesn't she looks bad.
coldasice217
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Re: Advice - FMIL issue
I'm all for the passive/aggressive routine myself. Plan as if she's coming and involved, but in your heads be prepared that she won't be there. If anything, she looks like the idiot not coming to her son's wedding. People will talk more about her than you.
KerriJohnS
Posted:
Member since
Re: Advice - FMIL issue
Posted by coldasice217
I'm all for the passive/aggressive routine myself. Plan as if she's coming and involved, but in your heads be prepared that she won't be there. If anything, she looks like the idiot not coming to her son's wedding. People will talk more about her than you.
YUP YUP!
mlcvln129
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Re: Advice - FMIL issue
I can't believe she's being such a ***** about it. 'You don't need to know until August!'--come on already!!!! What could her issues possibly be? And is it so bad that she would hurt her son like this? I bet that she turns around and decides to come, but if she's going to be like this. . .
I would be the bigger person and plan on her being there. However, I think I would talk to my parents about this and maybe see if they could help intervene, under the guise of 'we're planning for XYZ for the wedding, thought you would like to be involved!' Then, if she absolutely says no to your parents, I would probably assume that it was a complete no.
gina409
Posted:
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Re: Advice - FMIL issue - UPDATED
Posted by coldasice217
I'm all for the passive/aggressive routine myself. Plan as if she's coming and involved, but in your heads be prepared that she won't be there. If anything, she looks like the idiot not coming to her son's wedding. People will talk more about her than you.
i second that
FutureMrsG
Posted:
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Re: Advice - FMIL issue - UPDATED
I would proceed as if she is going to attend the wedding. You can always make adjustments as you go along. Most florist I have met with will give you a contract based upon what you think you will need (you will not know how many center pieces you will need until your final meeting with them). The same for the DJ...you do not give them the final play list and BP announcement info until your last meeting. As for the unity candle you could always have another female relative stand in for his mother (possible his grandmother or aunt) or you could have the officiant light the two tapers and then you and FH light the center candle (my best friend did that b/c DH mother refused to attend the wedding). Try to take everything in stride you can always make last minute adjustments.
julesrbf
Posted:
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Re: Advice - FMIL issue - UPDATED
Quick question - where does your FFIL fall into all of this? You said the problems lie mainly with your FMIL, FBIL and FSIL ... I wonder where he is on things and if you can try talking to him?
Anyway, I echo everyone else's sentiments ... you should plan to include her. Not just so you are the bigger person but also because I am willing to bet it would mean alot to your FH ... that you are willing to accomodate and include her, disregarding her blatant dislike of you. And your wedding is about you and FH, and I think that would be a nice thing for you to do for him.
JMHO! Keep us updated!
Dani777
Posted:
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Re: Advice - FMIL issue - UPDATED
Posted by gina409
Posted by coldasice217
I'm all for the passive/aggressive routine myself. Plan as if she's coming and involved, but in your heads be prepared that she won't be there. If anything, she looks like the idiot not coming to her son's wedding. People will talk more about her than you.
i second that
ITA...
I'm sorry that you are going through this...I hope that things start to clear up...
