I am a regular poster and need advice regarding a friend of mine. Im sorry I had to make up a fake name to do it!
Anyway, she is engaged to be married this year. I found out her FH had been talking to some girl and she was always calling him and they were possibly meeting up behind my friends back. I do not know exactly what had or had not happened. I also found out he sometimes goes and/or went to get massages at some shady place and would get 'the happy ending.' I have no proof of any of this. I can't tell her because she will not believe me and I do not want to ruin our friendship. And I have only my source as a back up. it is a very valid source. But do you think I should tell her FH I know? Or say something to him? Maybe make him think I could possibly know but might not? If he knows I know, it could ruin his friendship with my source and I dont want to be responsible for that. I just care about my friend and don't want her to get hurt or let these things go on behind her back. Advice please!!!! Thanks!
Kimbalina
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WOW!!
Well I dont know what to say about this! I would be weary of telling your friend if she will be upset with you. However if you are comfortable with her FH enough then I would talk to him!
AndRecKy
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oh boy this is a tough situation that you are in. i wouldnt know what to do either!!! you have no proof of this? i dont know this is very hard!!
wifetobe
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This happened to me years ago.. we got word from another friend that she witnessed a friends FH with another women in the back of a bar..doint the 'nasty'... we felt we had to tell her so that she could go into this marriage with all the knowledge. We told her..he said it wasnt' him and they got married anyway...they are now divorced.
I feel like you need to tell your friend...and you can say the source b/c this is her entire life on the line here...then it's up to her what she wants to do with the information.. I think you should tell her that no matter what her decision is that you will support her and stand up for her no matter what..even if she chooses to not do anything about it.
If it were me..id want a friend to tell me this so that i was fully aware of something that may or may not be happening.
Good luck!!!
Browneyesncute
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I would want someone to tell me, if later down the line i found out you knew the whole time i would be upset
ItalianBride428
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I dont know if I would mention anything to your friend without some proof...but I understand that this still poses a dilema for you. Like it was mentioned before, if you feel like you can talk to her FH then maybe approach it as you heard this stupid rumor instead of I heard you did this and this..and so on and see what he says? sorry, this is a hard one...
regularposter
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thanks everyone! Im still at a loss as what to do. I have no proof. I have not witnessed any of it myself. The source says that her FH told him about the massages and he overheard one of his conversations with the girl- but her FH didn't say who she was- but the source had gotten a name which I do not remember.
If it were you, would you want to know? Even if I told you based on the lack of details I have? How would you react?
GinaZ
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hmmm thats a hard one- I think you should def say something to her FH at least...
Mrs. V 2008
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wow thats so tough..and you don't have proof which makes this even harder..i would definately say something to him at least
TrueLoveIn2008
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I agree with both wifetobe and ItalianBride .... and I do know they are completely different opinions on how to handle it. I am just as confused as you are! If you can talk to the FH first, I would ... but if that's not an option ... you have a loyalty to your friend to look out for her, and if you are afraid she might be mad, I would tell her just that: you are thinking of her best interest. Good luck and let us know what happens!
wifetobe
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Posted by regularposter
thanks everyone! Im still at a loss as what to do. I have no proof. I have not witnessed any of it myself. The source says that her FH told him about the massages and he overheard one of his conversations with the girl- but her FH didn't say who she was- but the source had gotten a name which I do not remember.
If it were you, would you want to know? Even if I told you based on the lack of details I have? How would you react?
In my original post....I didn't witness it either..just heard from a friend so it was hearsay also..but I think you would be doing your friend a disservice by not giving her the information before she gets married. She needs to know so that she can make a decision on her own with all the information. Tell her that you were sure what to do..that this was the hardest decision you had to make....if she is a good friend im sure she would thank you for the information and know that you have her back in any situation.
I would feel betrayed by my friend if they heard about this and didn't tell me.
Future Mulligan
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ugh i feel for you - for some reason lots of times when you try to do the right thing and tell your friend whats going on it ends up backfiring and blowing up in your face - i know from experience - i found out a friends bf was doing all sorts of things, i told her, of course he denied it and then she got mad at me and we stopped talking because of it - of course they arent together anymore some guys are dogs and i think that its easier for the girl to be in denial then accept that she is getting played...
did you ever get that vibe from your friends FH at all? that he was like that? did she ever have suspicions before? how reliable is the source?
ItalianBride428
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I think I would want to know, but the lack of details might lead me to hold off on saying anything to FH until I had proof...but then again, I wouldnt want to drag it on if it WAS happening....i guess it is hard to say w/o being in the situation.
newbride08
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Ok...so looking at it from all perspectives..and being objective, a wife, and a mature woman...I would tell your friend the whole truth...You may risk your friendship...but if you don't tell her now and she goes into this relationship without this knowlegde, you have not been a true friend to her...and no way...do not give that jerk a heads up! You have no reason to lie to her, and you love her unconditionally, so make sure you let her know this before you talk to her about it...and obviously you have no proof, but what about telling her this and do a little investigation with her..let her know you will be by her side no matter what she chooses to do..whether it is staying with him, or leaving him. If I ever found out one of my friends knew that my bf was cheating on me and didn't tell me..it would be the end of our friendship forever. There is so much that goes into this...he is risking her heart, her emotions, her health(lets not forget STD's) and her future. Don't worry about ruining his friendships...he is willing to risk everything with your friends heart/health...so why are you worrying about him...obviously his friend told you this because it is something to worry about and didn't want to deal with it alone...also how could that person tell you this information and hope you wouldn't say something to your dear friend...This is what friendship comes down to..the good times and the bad...now like I said your friend may not want to hear it...but the truth is always better...trust me...I speak from experience. Good luck, I wish you both all the best.
regularposter
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Posted by Future Mulligan
ugh i feel for you - for some reason lots of times when you try to do the right thing and tell your friend whats going on it ends up backfiring and blowing up in your face - i know from experience - i found out a friends bf was doing all sorts of things, i told her, of course he denied it and then she got mad at me and we stopped talking because of it - of course they arent together anymore some guys are dogs and i think that its easier for the girl to be in denial then accept that she is getting played...
did you ever get that vibe from your friends FH at all? that he was like that? did she ever have suspicions before? how reliable is the source?
I don't think she has ever had suspicions before. The source is very reliable and would never lie to me. As far as being reliable in her eyes, I do not know. I have always thought her FH is a very good, nice guy. He is not perfect and she knows that, but I would never think he would try to hurt her. So I am a bit surprised, but at the same time, he can be a bit shady. I think I am going to try to talk to him.
davenjess
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i have to tell you.......
you need to tell her. she may not like you for it and you may lose her as a friend, however, you'll lose her as a friend quicker should she EVER find out you knew....
Honestly, the best way to approach this is going to be not to talk to her, maybe write it in letter form and give it to her, ask her to read it in front of you. This way - you can get EVERYTHING out there and not forget in the heat of the moment....
If i were her - i would be terribly hurt, but not mad at you. Seriously, you'd probably become my automatic BFF....because you had the guts to let me know.
She's going to be mad at first....and you may lose her for awhile, but she will come back, if she is a real friend - she will come back, once she realizes that her FH is a douche and doesn't deserve her.
wifetobe
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JMO and im sorry if im harsh but I totally disagree with you talking to her FH. do you really think he'll tell you the truth?? no way..now he will cover his tracks and your friend will NEVER know what he's doing, if anything. He may even get to her first and say....'your friend is nuts..she thinks..blah blah blah'
Your loyalty is to your friend not her fh.... JMO
davenjess
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Posted by wifetobe
JMO and im sorry if im harsh but I totally disagree with you talking to her FH. do you really think he'll tell you the truth?? no way..now he will cover his tracks and your friend will NEVER know what he's doing, if anything. He may even get to her first and say....'your friend is nuts..she thinks..blah blah blah'
Your loyalty is to your friend not her fh.... JMO
that's actually a VERY valid point. He'll start bad mouthing you to her right away...so that anything you tell her in the future, she already has the bad things in her head....
go to her....NOT him..
Future Mulligan
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Posted by wifetobe
JMO and im sorry if im harsh but I totally disagree with you talking to her FH. do you really think he'll tell you the truth?? no way..now he will cover his tracks and your friend will NEVER know what he's doing, if anything. He may even get to her first and say....'your friend is nuts..she thinks..blah blah blah'
Your loyalty is to your friend not her fh.... JMO
yeah - id be wary of approaching him - if he is guilty he could really F up your friendship and make you look like a lunatic - that is exactly what happened to me in the past....
newbride08
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I completely agree with wifetobe and davenjess!! Get everything out in a letter like she said..so there is no room for error and your intentions are clear..AND DO NOT LET HIM KNOW!! He has no right to be able to cover his tracks! If he is innocent, trust me she will find out...but she will find out a lot faster if he's a liar...its very easy to find out if someone is up to something if they don't have a heads up. Let her know you will help her to uncover the truth...hopefully it is nothing to worry about...but if it is..she has a right to know if she is about to marry a cheater...Good luck and let us know how it turns out
