I am a regular poster and need advice regarding a friend of mine. Im sorry I had to make up a fake name to do it!
Anyway, she is engaged to be married this year. I found out her FH had been talking to some girl and she was always calling him and they were possibly meeting up behind my friends back. I do not know exactly what had or had not happened. I also found out he sometimes goes and/or went to get massages at some shady place and would get 'the happy ending.' I have no proof of any of this. I can't tell her because she will not believe me and I do not want to ruin our friendship. And I have only my source as a back up. it is a very valid source. But do you think I should tell her FH I know? Or say something to him? Maybe make him think I could possibly know but might not? If he knows I know, it could ruin his friendship with my source and I dont want to be responsible for that. I just care about my friend and don't want her to get hurt or let these things go on behind her back. Advice please!!!! Thanks!
Mrs. V 2008
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Re: advice please
Posted by davenjess
i have to tell you.......
you need to tell her. she may not like you for it and you may lose her as a friend, however, you'll lose her as a friend quicker should she EVER find out you knew....
Honestly, the best way to approach this is going to be not to talk to her, maybe write it in letter form and give it to her, ask her to read it in front of you. This way - you can get EVERYTHING out there and not forget in the heat of the moment....
If i were her - i would be terribly hurt, but not mad at you. Seriously, you'd probably become my automatic BFF....because you had the guts to let me know.
She's going to be mad at first....and you may lose her for awhile, but she will come back, if she is a real friend - she will come back, once she realizes that her FH is a douche and doesn't deserve her.
I also agree..I think you should say something to her..I know i would be upset with my friend if she knew something about fh but didn't tell me..i would feel betrayed..
sheeshamuff
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Re: advice please
If I were her I'd want to know. I would just tell her that you have heard some rumors and don't know if there is truth to them or not, but you thought you should tell her. Then it is in her hands.
Sharron70
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Re: advice please
Could you wait on it a bit and try and get some proof. Does your source know if they have a regular meeting place and where it is? Does your source know if he calls her from his cell phone? If you could at least present her with this (she can go to their usual spot or check his cell phone/bill) she might be more open. I would also wait it out because no matter how valuable your source may be, people can make mistakes (remember that movie 'Hand That Rocks the Cradle'?) Also, if you could get the girl's name, your friend might even recognize it.
Gigi08
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Re: advice please
Posted by davenjess
Posted by wifetobe
JMO and im sorry if im harsh but I totally disagree with you talking to her FH. do you really think he'll tell you the truth?? no way..now he will cover his tracks and your friend will NEVER know what he's doing, if anything. He may even get to her first and say....'your friend is nuts..she thinks..blah blah blah'
Your loyalty is to your friend not her fh.... JMO
that's actually a VERY valid point. He'll start bad mouthing you to her right away...so that anything you tell her in the future, she already has the bad things in her head....
go to her....NOT him..
I definitely agree with this, especially since at this point there really isn't any proof. I definitely wouldn't give him a heads up to cover his tracks. Do you think there's a chance she may have any suspicion of her own? Definitely a difficult situation.
ItalianBride428
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Re: advice please
either way, you would risk your friend being mad at you...but, if she knows you and knows you wouldnt say stuff if it wasnt for her best interest then speak with her.
I am personally against the letter thing, but that is JMO, I think something like this deserves face to face contact.
Would her FH figure out you would have been the connection to this if it was true? If so, either way he will most likely have negative things to say about you.
regularposter
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Re: advice please
Thank you for all the advice. So I am now not going to her FH for all the reasons you have all mentioned. But I feel I can't go to her without more information. I can probably get her name. But I do not think they talk anymore. So is it fair to tell on him? This was awhile ago, but they were engaged at the time. However, the gross massage thing is more recent. And I doubt he paid by credit card. But he bragged to the source about it. But who knows if he was joking and the source took it out of context? I dont think they would have- I think they would have realized. but you never know. Its just such a weird situation!
Sharron70
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Re: advice please
Just throwing this out there - about your source: if it happened 'awhile ago', why are they bringing it up now? And I'm assuming it's a male (or I could be wrong). Could this source have a 'thing' for your friend or the FH that they may want to start trouble? Or maybe they just don't think they're right for one another. Not saying what they're telling you isn't true, but why did they wait so long to say something? Or am I just opening a whole new can of worms?
newbride08
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Re: advice please
If they were together...then she has a right to know...if it is not going on anymore, thats good...but the point is that he cheated on his fiance..doesn't matter when...and if he can cheat on his fiance...what would stop him from cheating on his wife...a name would be nice...but if you can't get it..you still need to let her know what you know...and let her take it from there...thats all you can do as a friend right now...let her know you will keep her business private no matter what the outcome is..whether he cheated or not..or if she chooses to stay or not...she will find a lot of comfort and trust in that alone. You are a really good friend for going this far and getting advice and working out what you want to do before acting.
jaep129
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Re: advice please
Wow. This is hard. I have been on the opposite side. My friend use to always cheat on her BF, which was fine b/c we all hated him so much. They finally broke up and now she is with the guy who is so good to her and we all love but she is back to her old ways. Its so hard. I would tell her!
regularposter
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Re: advice please
Posted by Sharron70
Just throwing this out there - about your source: if it happened 'awhile ago', why are they bringing it up now? And I'm assuming it's a male (or I could be wrong). Could this source have a 'thing' for your friend or the FH that they may want to start trouble? Or maybe they just don't think they're right for one another. Not saying what they're telling you isn't true, but why did they wait so long to say something? Or am I just opening a whole new can of worms?
The source brought up the incident about the other girl awhile ago and the source said tehy were waiting to see if it ever came up in conversation again or if they witnessed any more phone conversations again. And they didn't. But then her FH had said something about the massage not too long ago so they mentioned it to me. The source isn't trying to start trouble and can tell was hesitant to say anything to me at all. But he is a good person and wouldnt want to see a friend hurt either.
Sharron70
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Re: advice please
Posted by regularposter
Posted by Sharron70
Just throwing this out there - about your source: if it happened 'awhile ago', why are they bringing it up now? And I'm assuming it's a male (or I could be wrong). Could this source have a 'thing' for your friend or the FH that they may want to start trouble? Or maybe they just don't think they're right for one another. Not saying what they're telling you isn't true, but why did they wait so long to say something? Or am I just opening a whole new can of worms?
The source brought up the incident about the other girl awhile ago and the source said tehy were waiting to see if it ever came up in conversation again or if they witnessed any more phone conversations again. And they didn't. But then her FH had said something about the massage not too long ago so they mentioned it to me. The source isn't trying to start trouble and can tell was hesitant to say anything to me at all. But he is a good person and wouldnt want to see a friend hurt either.
Ahh. Cool.
snowcutie82
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Re: advice please
sometimes ure always better off not knowing!!!!
it might be a case in which she already knows or he has said something etc. & theyre resolving it (not everyone airs their dirty laundry) or maybe it was taken out of context since no one knows the full story or what really happened. or it could be even worse who knows.
ive been in a few situations where some things have looked/sounded bad but was totally mistaken or have been guilty of jumping to crazy conclusions in even my own relationships. and have heard 'guy talk' in instances where i know the truth but have heard exagerations or just guys trying to be 'cool' to their friends.
if you are good friends with either party...i would talk to one of them. if its true...then whatever happens. if it was all a misunderstanding...u can all laugh about it (hopefully).
even the most reliable of sources aren't always 100% correct and there is usually more to a story.
good luck
Bride908
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Re: advice please
I dont think Id say anything to him--if he is doing it, he wont stop just b/c you confronted him. He will probably just make a way to end your friendship with your friend.
I would tell her and expect that she wont side with you at first....
KiTTeN0819
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Re: advice please
I dont know what i would do in this situation. Having been on the crappy receiving end of a bad rumor myself, unless you know for a fact the party is reliable i wouldnt say anything and do some investigating myself.
What happened to me was a few years ago my friend told me she had heard from one of FH roomates friends that he had been having his ex come spend the night at his place and that he had flown some random stranger girl he met off the internet from arizona to ny to meet him... Now while there was a contorted ring of truth.. He had been talking to his ex on the phone.. as friends (and i knew).. and he started talking to the arizona girl on an online game over the internet... None of what the friend said was actually true. The friend later admitted that he was pissed at my FH for one thing or another and apologized for upsetting me. Even my FH roomate was baffled at the lies, who i am good friends with.
Lucky for FH I believed him. But had we not been together for 4 years already it could have ruined our relationship. As for the friend that told me, I did not get mad at her at all, she came to me all upset and with sincere concern. She also did not want to release the source.. until i begged and then she caved.
As for the roomates friend... Him i wanted to kill and still wont talk to, to this day.
MrsHtobe
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Re: advice please
Posted by davenjess
i have to tell you.......
you need to tell her. she may not like you for it and you may lose her as a friend, however, you'll lose her as a friend quicker should she EVER find out you knew....
Honestly, the best way to approach this is going to be not to talk to her, maybe write it in letter form and give it to her, ask her to read it in front of you. This way - you can get EVERYTHING out there and not forget in the heat of the moment....
If i were her - i would be terribly hurt, but not mad at you. Seriously, you'd probably become my automatic BFF....because you had the guts to let me know.
She's going to be mad at first....and you may lose her for awhile, but she will come back, if she is a real friend - she will come back, once she realizes that her FH is a douche and doesn't deserve her.
I agree 100%. I would want to know in the long run, regardless of how much it hurt at the time. You should talk to your friend and tell her what you know and what you heard. As long as you are honest with her and have her best interest at heart, she should understand. It might take her awhile, but the thought of that going on and her marrying him anyway is just heartbreaking!
