Advice Please???

Hi girls!! I just need some advice as to whether or not I'm overreacting about something... I asked my sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid in December, so like a year and a half before my wedding...and she said yes and was all excited and everything. She lives out of state, so my other bridesmaids and I had been looking for dresses for a while but couldn't decide on one without my sister-in-law seeing them because she is extremely overweight. So basically we couldn't even choose a brand or anything because shes self-conscious. I would send her pics online and stuff and she hated EVERYTHING and was REALLY difficult. So I told my brother to talk to her a few months ago and to find out if she really wanted to be a bridesmaid or if she just felt obligated bc if she wanted to back out she could. She said no and that she definately wanted to be one. So I said I would go dress shopping with her so she could find something comfortable and I would base the dress decision completely on her which put dress shopping on hold until I was able to go with her. So Saturday we are getting ready to go shopping, or so we thought, and my brother went to the car and I was following him and she pulls me aside and says she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid anymore because shes uncomfortable.

So basically I'm pretty pissed off. If shes uncomfortable I understand and I'm ok with that but am I wrong to be annoyed that I revolved dress shopping completely around her and then drive to another state to shop with her and she tells me the minute we are about to leave for the store that she doesn't want to do it? I wanted the dresses ordered before September because me and two of my BMs are teachers so its easier to get it out of the way now and I now I waited for nothing because we could have been done already..

AHHHHHHHHHHH

AND then she was nasty to ME all day...makes sense right? LoL

SOrry for the long vent!!

she should have been honest about it the first time you asked her, it was pretty selfish of her to make you put everything on hold and make you drive there to make her feel more comfortable. I understand your frustration but she must really feel horrible that she can't be part of your bridal party because she is uncomfortable with herself. There is really nothing else you can do about it, you did all you could to try to make her feel better about the whole dress thing. You have every right to be annoyed but what can ya do.

sorry about this...

I understand why you are upset- but at the same time, I can just sit and feel really bad for your FSIL. I used to be heavy once so I kind of know how she feels.

I know you said she was uncooperative, but there is always the option of finding a different cut for her in the color of your BM dresses.

I dont blame you for being upset especially since you were trying to be so considerate and accomodating to her.

---

Posted by Brila09

I know you said she was uncooperative, but there is always the option of finding a different cut for her in the color of your BM dresses.

I dont blame you for being upset especially since you were trying to be so considerate and accomodating to her.

---

Yeah.... I know there are sooooooo many different dresses...I even said that she could have an entirely different dress from everyone else and I sent her links to all the brands that have the color I want and she said she didn't like ANYTHING. I can't see how you can't find ONE dress out of a millionnnn when I give you the choice to do whatever you want, ya kno?

---

Posted by Soon2BMrsC09

I would be pretty upset too. She should have called you guys before you made it to another state to go dress shopping. Please tell me that wasnt your primary reason for making the trip. If I drove to another state just to go dress shopping with her and she backed out then - I would probably be much more upset.. but to each his own - whats meant to be will be.. and by her stepping down now is probably one of the best things that could have happened - i would rather have her out now than be a PITA because she doesnt want to be there.. KWIM?

---

Yeah you're 100% right!!

You have a right to be upset. But you still have plenty of time to change things around now that you KNOW she will not be in the wedding party. It could be worse, she could have backed out a few weeks before or delayed everything even further.

I wouldn't let this bother you too much. Try to find another way for her to be part of the ceremony (perhaps she can hand out the programs or do a reading). This isn't about you - it's about her and how self conscious she is.

You have a right to be upset. But there is no reason to make an issue of it. I have friends who have/have had weight issues and they are very complicated.

Just let it go. It will be nice to have some non-school stuff to do after September. Well that's what I tell myself anyway.

Hang in there!

I would SO be annoyed too if one of my BM's did that to me! I mean fine, I can understand if she doesn't want to be a BM but that su cks that you wasted all that time AND drove to another state for her.

If it makes you feel any better I still don't have MY dress, date twin!

---

Posted by chicky724

I would SO be annoyed too if one of my BM's did that to me! I mean fine, I can understand if she doesn't want to be a BM but that su cks that you wasted all that time AND drove to another state for her.

If it makes you feel any better I still don't have MY dress, date twin!

---

Really?? Have you started looking??

Oy...
she shoul dhave told you way before. I dont get though why (not just your sil) she can't be honored that you asked her and suck it up for one day?

Not sure if this related but its kind of similar:
Story:
A friend of mine had the same exact problem and had two over weight bm. One of them backed out three months before...the other decided this would be her chance to lose some weight and ended up going to the wedding a size 8!!!!!!!!!! (from a size like 18) I felt so terrible because my friend was a mess and it hurt her since that is not the girls day, its HER day... and her friend (the one that lost the weight) said
'I wouldnt miss it for the world. If i had to suck up my own insecurities, I would have but i said to myself 'I have to chang emyself. I am insecure about me not her wedding' and so i did'
Its just, hard I guess for some to admit they are uncomfortable and its their own problem.
Some are over weight and LOVE their bodies. I want to hug those people. I think they're happier than me whose always dieting..


But okay off the subject. I think its okay for you to be upset. You wanted her to share your special day and she is using her insecurity to not be there for u. I would be upset...

Wow that is crazy! She either should have told your FH when he asked her or she should have told you before you traveled to another state to go shopping with her. That is absolutely and utterly completely inconsiderate of her. Truthfully you are better off. Is it just me or are we all getting a lil tired of having people make us feel like this is their day and we need to cow tow to them to make them feel comfortable! grrr. Haha, sorry just had to get that out!

---

Posted by Jsquared279

Wow that is crazy! She either should have told your FH when he asked her or she should have told you before you traveled to another state to go shopping with her. That is absolutely and utterly completely inconsiderate of her. Truthfully you are better off. Is it just me or are we all getting a lil tired of having people make us feel like this is their day and we need to cow tow to them to make them feel comfortable! grrr. Haha, sorry just had to get that out!

---

Yeahhh you're right about people making us feel like this is their day!! Its taking away from the fun of a little too much for me now. Hopefully things will be a little easier from here on out. I think I would go crazy without being able to vent I here lol.

---

Posted by little34

I am not going to say don't be mad because you are allowed to be mad but I am thinking that she really wants to a BM and was maybe trying to convince herself to be one...she prob felt so uncomfortable with her weight and she thought she would get over it but when it came time to actually go shopping she prob got nervous and decided not to do it. I am sure she didn't do on purpose and yes it would have been helpful to tell you sooner but I think she really wanted to be in the wedding but couldn't get over her uncomfortableness.

---

Yeah this could definately be the case bc I can't see why she wouldn't have told me earlier otherwise. It really stinks though .. shes usually a really confident person, weight and all, and I gave her the option to choose anyyyyyy dress in my color in hopes that she would feel better about everything but I guess there is nothing left for me to do.