Hi everyone I'm a regular poster on here and I'm embarrassed post this message under my name.
i had an ex bf i met in college - dated for a while and things were perfect- we parted ways amicably - mostly due to logistics and where we were in life- he was graduating- i was only a sophomore.
the breakup left me shattered. this ex treated me so well, was so selfless and just wonderful all around. no one could say a bad thing about him.
fast forward 5 years. after finally getting over him (pathetic, right?), im with my fh and things are decent. my family (still to this day) compares him to my ex, and my parents dont really LOVE my fh b/c of his money issues and overbearing family. also he has bedroom issues...
now, guess who is in my town, who i run into at work functions and who hangs in my circles- my ex.
im sick to my stomach - i am drawn to him and want his attention (he is single now) and i am even having thought in my head of calling off the engagement- and i have only just spoken to my ex- nothing more! i cant stop thinnking about him and there is no way to avoid not seeing him because he is around.
i cant tell if this is just jitters or of its real. im scared and losing sleep over this.
any advice needed. im scared about these feelings im having for my ex.
brooklynbridezilla
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Re: advise needed please - LONG
How soon is your wedding?
MCDO15
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woah...
thats a turf situation.
but my answer is go with your heart.
If your heart is not with FH, you wont be happy and why start a marriage that is bound to end.
LoriH
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Wow, this sounds like a lot more then just jitters. I am not sure what advice to give except: If you are unsure of how you feel you need to take some time to figure it out.
divabride
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Posted by MCDO15
woah...
thats a turf situation.
but my answer is go with your heart.
If your heart is not with FH, you wont be happy and why start a marriage that is bound to end.
I totally agree. It sounds like if given the chance, you would go back to your ex. That's not fair to you or your FH. Before you do anything haste, I would really do some soul searching and see if FH is really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Your ex is the least of your problems right now. Good luck in whatever path you choose.
ambersmom
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Posted by MCDO15
woah...
thats a turf situation.
but my answer is go with your heart.
If your heart is not with FH, you wont be happy and why start a marriage that is bound to end.
I agree with this. I think it's more than a case of cold feet or second guessing the sitaution. I think that you have never really had closure with the ex. Your family has put him on a pedestal and I think you too are probably guilty of comparing the two subconsciously.
But be careful of your decisions. Everything happens for a reason and if Mr. Wonderful X, never searched you out before this or made any approach to get things going between you two, then maybe he's not that interested? Think about what your fiance means to you. He promised his life to you, he's the one who asked you to marry him. Fantasies are nice and it's very easy to emotionally withdraw yourself from the real situations in your life when a 'what if' is standing nearby.
You have to decide ultimately what is best for you. I wish you all the luck!
jcova1019
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You really need to sit down and ask yourself if your fh is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. If your ex called today and said that he wanted to get back together, would you go? If you are not 100% sure that your fh is the one for you, you owe it to him and yourself to either postpone or call off the wedding now.
MCDO15
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Posted by ambersmom
I agree with this. I think it's more than a case of cold feet or second guessing the sitaution. I think that you have never really had closure with the ex. Your family has put him on a pedestal and I think you too are probably guilty of comparing the two subconsciously.
yeah..this may be another thing that caused you to keep thinking about him. you had to move on from your ex since you got engaged with your FH. just be honest and don't worry about in resulting action. you must be happy with your own life and live for yourself. dont let other (US LIWEDDING or your family) ppl guide you though this. Its nice to get feedback but this is all on you. Who is to say if you broke up with FH that he will be there for you forever? has he changed in 5 years? i know i changed a ton in the past 5 years. You risk alot to gain somthing that is uncertain.
An example for me would be to go back to my first crush and first real relationship ever cause it was the best thing for me in the world when it happen. now that i've moved on for it (took some time -years wondering what if?) i question it but i would never act on it. I'm perfectly happy now even though i know it could be better. Dont get me wrong, i married but who is to say it could be different, for better or for worse. we will never know. But DW is in my life to stay and nothing would change that unless i dont love her anymore or she doesn't love me. Thats ok do to...just dont' fall out of love with your DH to fall back in love wiith the EX
sorry if i seem to be confuseing in what i said cuase it looks confuseing
VS11
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It seems to me that you never got over your ex and that FH kinda just took his place. If your ex being in town again is causing you to have mixed feelngs about FH then you really have to think this out carefully. To actually think about ending your engagement because of the ex; seems that your feeling for ex are much stronger for him that FH. If there are other issues that you and FH have that make you 2nd guess your engagement, then that is anthor story;
Example, I had an ex who broke my heart and I thought I would never get over him. There were guys I would date and the minute the ex called, I would drop everything and run right back to him. I could care less if the guy I was dating ever spoke to me again. Of course things never worked out when I would run back to the ex, and I told myself the guy who I dont drop for the ex is the guy I would marry...WELL,,when I started dating FH, the ex did call and wanted to get back. Do you know I didnt even want to talk to him because I didnt ever want my FH to feel insecure or not trust me. This went on for months and finally I told him that I am in love and that he was not worth me losing FH over. It mattered to me if I would of lost FH. I never felt that way with the other guys I dated. At that moment I knew FH was the one and only man in my life and I couldnt imagine a day going by that FH wasnt in my life.
Sorry to rumble on about my situation, but I fealt that our situation were similiar.
Sweetie, It ***** what you are going through and I know you are also thinking of FH's feelings. BUT you have to do what is best for the BOTH of you.
No one can tell you what to do,,,you are the only one who can make this decision.
I wish you alot of strength at this time in your life.
good luck
ckgmwedding
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This has all been great advice but let me add one thing. Take a look at your current relationship SEPERATE from your feelings from your ex. This is going to be really difficult since you have so much invested in the memory of him but it is essential. Right now the two issues are very much emeshed and this is not going to make your decision any easier in the long run. Seperate them by really examining your relationship with your FH- with all his issues that you stated, are you happy? Is he the one for you? Or are you getting married since it seemed to be the next logical step. Definately don't not cloud this decision with thoughts about your ex, even though seeing him might have brought on these feelings. I hope this makes sense and if you need to take please FM. I have been there.
Donna
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Posted by ckgmwedding
This has all been great advice but let me add one thing. Take a look at your current relationship SEPERATE from your feelings from your ex.
I was going to say the same thing. Forget about your ex for now - yes you see him in the same circles but you have no idea how he feels about you or if he'd be interested in the relationship
Your main concern right now is what is best for you - with FH or without him? please just examine your relationship with FH only.
Good luck - I hope this all works out for the best for you!!
VS11
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Posted by ckgmwedding
This has all been great advice but let me add one thing. Take a look at your current relationship SEPERATE from your feelings from your ex. This is going to be really difficult since you have so much invested in the memory of him but it is essential. Right now the two issues are very much emeshed and this is not going to make your decision any easier in the long run. Seperate them by really examining your relationship with your FH- with all his issues that you stated, are you happy? Is he the one for you? Or are you getting married since it seemed to be the next logical step. Definately don't not cloud this decision with thoughts about your ex, even though seeing him might have brought on these feelings. I hope this makes sense and if you need to take please FM. I have been there.
well put!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
melijane
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Your post is very telling. First you say that things are 'decent' now. If you read the post as it related to the ex he sounds like a God. Another thing you say your family doesn't like him much because of money issues and overbearing family, They must have heard that from you right? I think wether the ex is involved or not, you do need to look at your current relationship. Also think, how would you feel if you did break off your engagement and things didn;t work out with the ex? I would suggest finding some way to talk to him before you do anything. I do not envy your situation. Good luck to you.
marymoon
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I agree with all of the previous posters. Your post was VERY telling. it seems like you have a lot of real doubts about your FH. things are 'decent', family, money and bedroom issues. I think the more important issue is you and your feelings for FH than your feelings for ex. Whether or not it would work out with your ex and whether or not you really want to be with him, I think you need to seriously examine your relationship with FH if your ex reappearing can cause such a stir. I've had guys who was I was involved with who I hadn't 'gotten over' ofr auite awahile, but by the time I got engaged with FH, I didn't even think of those guys anymore, they stopped mattering to me. So the fact that this hasn't happenned I think is very telling.
Best of Luck
TracyInQueens
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If the ex had not materialized, would you still call your relationship with your FH 'decent'? What I mean is, if everything was great prior to him showing up then maybe it's just jitters. But in your heart, if you know deep down that you have felt like you were settling with FH, then you really need to think about whether or not to marry him. Better to call it off now.
And let's say that you do call it off with FH and for whatever reason nothing materializes with your ex. Would you regret walking away from FH?
Whatever you do, don't rush into anything and don't feel like you have to be married now. You're still young and have plenty of time so really think about this. Good luck to you.
mrsgtobe
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Everyone else has given you wonderful advice, so I don't feel the need to repeat it. I just want to wish you strength and clarity of mind at such a difficult time. Best of luck to you.
JanuaryBride06
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Are the feelings heightened because you are engaged to another man?
Search your feelings but consider that the person you loved five years ago may not be the same person today. You too have grown up.
You will make the right decision. Please do what's best for you.
akaMrsT
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Posted by rosaria
It seems to me that you never got over your ex and that FH kinda just took his place. If your ex being in town again is causing you to have mixed feelngs about FH then you really have to think this out carefully. To actually think about ending your engagement because of the ex; seems that your feeling for ex are much stronger for him that FH. If there are other issues that you and FH have that make you 2nd guess your engagement, then that is anthor story;
Example, I had an ex who broke my heart and I thought I would never get over him. There were guys I would date and the minute the ex called, I would drop everything and run right back to him. I could care less if the guy I was dating ever spoke to me again. Of course things never worked out when I would run back to the ex, and I told myself the guy who I dont drop for the ex is the guy I would marry...WELL,,when I started dating FH, the ex did call and wanted to get back. Do you know I didnt even want to talk to him because I didnt ever want my FH to feel insecure or not trust me. This went on for months and finally I told him that I am in love and that he was not worth me losing FH over. It mattered to me if I would of lost FH. I never felt that way with the other guys I dated. At that moment I knew FH was the one and only man in my life and I couldnt imagine a day going by that FH wasnt in my life.
Sorry to rumble on about my situation, but I fealt that our situation were similiar.
Sweetie, It ***** what you are going through and I know you are also thinking of FH's feelings. BUT you have to do what is best for the BOTH of you.
No one can tell you what to do,,,you are the only one who can make this decision.
I wish you alot of strength at this time in your life.
good luck
Wow!! Rosaria that is exactly what happened to me - I would get back with this one particular ex at the drop of a dime for YEARS!!!! But once FI and I got together the ex was out for good. He did call (typical) and tried to see me and I told him no for the first time ever. He called a while later and asked if I was married and I said no, but engaged. He told me he even knew that this guy was the one since I turned him down
I totally agree with rosaria, you have to make this decision on your own. It took me YEARS to leave my ex alone for good but I would never risk losing FI over anything - especially that ex.
akaMrsT
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Posted by brideindistress
im with my fh and things are decent. my family (still to this day) compares him to my ex, and my parents dont really LOVE my fh b/c of his money issues and overbearing family. also he has bedroom issues...
Just remember, marriage will not change any of these things. Marriage will make the issues with your FI permanent.
AJsMommy122
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I agree with everything posted above. Really some great advice. I think you need to not worry about your ex for a min. and take a good hard look at your relationship. Don't let you ex coming back into your life all of a sudden make you feel this way. If you honestly think you would feel the same way even if you ex wasn't suddenly around that yes you should take a break and figure out if these are things you can work through or if you need to move on.
I am honestly a HUGE believer in the Grass is NEVER greener on the other side. Every relationship has its problems NO ONE is perfect no matter how great your family thinks he is or even how you remember your ex. - we always tend to remember the good times over the bad. Also how many years ago was this?? It has been at LEAST 5 years from what you posted and People do change. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago!! For all you know your ex is a different person now then when you dated.
I think your EX should be the LEAST of your worries right now and you should worry about your current relationship before you start putting your eggs in another basket.
