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Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Regal Beagle Posted:

Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

I think I have been very fair with my BMs.

I let them pick out the dress they wanted (I approved the color) and have asked their input on everything. I love them very much and I want them to feel confident and comfortable on my wedding day. I know of many brides that decide everything.

I don't think it's fair to be a dictator, but I think I need to pull in the reins a bit.

First, one BM picked out and bought the FG dress (her daughter) without my approval.

1. Do you think that's wrong?

We were discussing hair styles and they want the same kind of style as me, half up and half down.

2. Shouldn't I be the only one with that hair style?

Then, they said that they all may want different hair styles because one BM has very short hair and it would be hard to please everyone.

3. I said that I absolutley did not want that and they got mad. Was I wrong to want that? Shouldn't they be all be uniform?

I told the girls that I bought a nail polish that is the exact same color as their dress(it was a fluke how I found it)- Cinnamon. I bought it so where ever they go to get their nails done they will look the same. One BM said 'I only do French!'

4. I said well, that's what I am wearing and I think the nail polish I bought would go better, but she didn't like that. Am I wrong?

They all want to wear different kinds of shoes because they are different heights. I said No Way to that.

5. Am I being unreasonable?

Lastly, one BM doesn't want to pay to have her make-up done. Is that wrong?


I have tried to be very accommodating, but I think I am being walked on or am I being too petty? I think my requests are so simple and I have not asked much from that at all.

I want to be fair, but at the same time if it was their wedding I would do whatever they wanted.
Shouldn't all the BMs look alike?

What do you think?

I am so aggravated!


Thanks
Please share and tell me what you think. I don't want to fight with my friends over nonsense, but I feel that they are being really unfair to me.


Future Mrs. Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

this sounds familiar.
I was the same way....was very easy going, wanted everyone to be happy.....
I learned pretty fast that as the bride, you need to take control and be .....well......a little bossy.
In a nice way.
this is YOUR day. Everyone else either got, or will get their turn. Its all about you this time! If you want something, you say it. If you don't think of it first ,and they as you, tell them you'll get back to them. Do, and make it what you want.
You only get to do this once so do it YOUR WAY. You're the bride.....be as bossy as you like.
Its the only time that is excusable....so I say....enjoy it.
PreshusSmurf Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

I have been a BM in 4 weddings. To be completely honest, none of those 4 girls gave any input on hair, makeup, nailpolish or shoes.

Two bought jewelry as the BM gift, so I wore that.

The only thing that was uniform was the dresses.

I'm not saying that you're being unreasonable, I realize that many brides want their girls to have matching *everything* ... I'm just trying to point out that it isn't always that way.

ETA: I totally agree with you about the flowergirl dress .... that would have me upset too!
GwynethBride Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Honestly I am with you only on #1 - its your right to pick the flower girl dress!!

As for the rest of it, in my honest opinion I think its rather 'micromanage-y' of you to want your bridesmaid to look exactly alike - you say you have asked for their input on everything and yet you want them all to have everything alike right down to their nail polish color? If you were in a wedding, wouldn't you want to look your best? If a bridesmaid thinks she looks best with a certain hair style or shoe type, I would let her.

It's been said before, I really think if you step back and look at your wedding day, the minor details of what your bridesmaids look like become irrelevant - it's about YOU not them! And wouldn't you be happier with happy bridesmaids?

Regal Beagle Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Thanks. I feel gulity being demanding especially when they look at me like I am a Bridezilla (totally not fair).



What I wrote is the least of the nonsense too. I just don't know why they are beign so difficult and blaming me when I am being so nice about it.

Am I wrong to think that BMs should all look the same and opposite me?


I know that anything goes these days, but I thought that is the way it should be.


I just feel like I keep apologizing for wanting minor things to be my way.
MJDoc12 Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

ok the FG dress thing would make me mad....no doubt....i'm with ya

as for the rest....you might be going a little over board just a teeny tiny bit. i think you kind of feel like 'well i was flexible with ther dresses so they should do what i want in these things' and unfortunatley that's not the right mind set.

just let them do what they want for hair, make up, nail polish, etc. myself and my girls all had a 1/2 up and down style...but we didn't look the same...it was alll different. no one cared. we care about the silliest things sometimes! no one will look at your BMs nails or questioning if they have similiar hair style to yours.....they will be too busy looking at YOU, the beautiful bride!
Regal Beagle Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Posted by GwynethBride

Honestly I am with you only on #1 - its your right to pick the flower girl dress!!

As for the rest of it, in my honest opinion I think its rather 'micromanage-y' of you to want your bridesmaid to look exactly alike - you say you have asked for their input on everything and yet you want them all to have everything alike right down to their nail polish color? If you were in a wedding, wouldn't you want to look your best? If a bridesmaid thinks she looks best with a certain hair style or shoe type, I would let her.

It's been said before, I really think if you step back and look at your wedding day, the minor details of what your bridesmaids look like become irrelevant - it's about YOU not them! And wouldn't you be happier with happy bridesmaids?






You see, that's what I was thinking and I didn't fight them on it, but other girls are telling me that I am too easy on them.

You are probably right. All of these minor things really mean nothing on the big day.
I would be happier if they are happy, but I feel like they are taking over because I am so laid back.

Everything I suggest is a big deal. I don't think I am being unresonable by asking them not to have the sme hair style as me. Am I ?


Thanks for all of the input. Sometimes you need to refocus and take yourself out of a situation to really see what's important.


Regal Beagle Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Posted by MJDoc12

ok the FG dress thing would make me mad....no doubt....i'm with ya

as for the rest....you might be going a little over board just a teeny tiny bit. i think you kind of feel like 'well i was flexible with ther dresses so they should do what i want in these things' and unfortunatley that's not the right mind set.

just let them do what they want for hair, make up, nail polish, etc. myself and my girls all had a 1/2 up and down style...but we didn't look the same...it was alll different. no one cared. we care about the silliest things sometimes! no one will look at your BMs nails or questioning if they have similiar hair style to yours.....they will be too busy looking at YOU, the beautiful bride!
Regal Beagle Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

You know, I have looked at a million pictures and have always seen the BMs look the same. I guess I was wrong!


Thanks




ggcopying Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

The following is my opinion:

I think that BM who brought the flower girl dress for her daughter is wrong (what is wrong with her???), but I have question, do you have a FG? If you do, what is she wearing?

For hair and nail color, I really think it should be up to them, unless you are paying for them

For shoes, I think they should match, but I was a BM once and my friend let us wear whatever we want, and I appreciate it

and there is always someone can't afford to spend a lot of money, so I think it is not fair to force her to spend money on prof. make up.

The only thing I really think your BM is crazy is the one who brought the FG dress, the rest is up to you. And of course, you are the bride and it is your day, you should have control of something, but be careful...not everything


Regal Beagle Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Posted by ggcopying

The following is my opinion:

I think that BM who brought the flower girl dress for her daughter is wrong (what is wrong with her???), but I have question, do you have a FG? If you do, what is she wearing?

For hair and nail color, I really think it should be up to them, unless you are paying for them

For shoes, I think they should match, but I was a BM once and my friend let us wear whatever we want, and I appreciate it

and there is always someone can't afford to spend a lot of money, so I think it is not fair to force her to spend money on prof. make up.

The only thing I really think your BM is crazy is the one who brought the FG dress, the rest is up to you. And of course, you are the bride and it is your day, you should have control of something, but be careful...not everything






Thanks.....I needed this advice. I am glad I posted it.
billandme Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

I feel your pain......I am going through this right now with some of my bridesmaids.........

For the first thing, yes, I would be upset about the flowergirl situation. She should have talked to you about that. That is a decision that the bride makes (in my opinion).

With the nail polish, again, you're not asking a lot to have them wear the same nail polish color. I mean, my goodness, it's ONE day. They should just suck it up and put it on.......it's nail polish for goodness sakes.......

With the makeup option, yes, I think the BM is right on this one. Unless you are offering to pay to have the make up professionally done, then they should be able to decide weather they can afford to get it done or if they should do their own. I'm pretty sure they will make it look beautiful! I gave my girls the option for the makeup and honestly, out of the 9 girls, only 3 are getting it professionally done

Now with the shoes, I have to agree with you on this one. At first, I gave my girls the option to get their own shoes....i didn't care what they were, aslong as they were black.......but that was just PAINFUL for me because they kept asking me if I liked the shoes they wanted....email after email, I gave up! I ended up picking their shoes.....some didn't like it, but that's their own fault. They could have just bought their own and left it at that.......

About the hair. I am half/half on this one. I understand you don't want the girls to have the same style as you.....it makes perfect sense. BUT, there are some styles that only suit certain people, and they only feel comfortable that way. I had to wear my hair in an updo for my sisters wedding and I hated it. I hate looking at the pictures because it just wasn't me.....you know? Just let them do what ever style they like, and maybe let them know that you want them all to look beautiful and feel comfortable, but you still want to have your own unique style. I'm sure they will ALL understand........

I hope it all works out for you!!!!!

GwynethBride Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Aww it's going to be ok. No I don't think its too much to ask that they don't have the same hairstyle as you. Asking them to all have the same exact style is a little different. But if you want to be the only one with your style that is totally in your rights as the bride

I know it can be a tough balance between wanting to be laid back and wanting to get what you want. Maybe each time something like this comes up you can take a step back and think - will I really really care about this detail ten years from now or is this silly and will be forgotten? Is there any of your girls you are especially close to you can have a open talk with and address this feeling of them taking over? You could also appoint her to be the one to call you out, say 'tell me when I am being crazy about the details!'

And as for the bridesmaids looking different from you, DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THAT! YOU will be the one in the beautiful white dress and veil with the big boquet that everyone wants to see. Do you honestly even remember what the bridesmaids dresses looked like in the last wedding you went to?
much luck!!
Regal Beagle Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Posted by GwynethBride

Aww it's going to be ok. No I don't think its too much to ask that they don't have the same hairstyle as you. Asking them to all have the same exact style is a little different. But if you want to be the only one with your style that is totally in your rights as the bride

I know it can be a tough balance between wanting to be laid back and wanting to get what you want. Maybe each time something like this comes up you can take a step back and think - will I really really care about this detail ten years from now or is this silly and will be forgotten? Is there any of your girls you are especially close to you can have a open talk with and address this feeling of them taking over? You could also appoint her to be the one to call you out, say 'tell me when I am being crazy about the details!'

And as for the bridesmaids looking different from you, DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THAT! YOU will be the one in the beautiful white dress and veil with the big boquet that everyone wants to see. Do you honestly even remember what the bridesmaids dresses looked like in the last wedding you went to?
much luck!!




Thanks so much!
Aug07OFCbride Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

i think she should have talked to you about FG dress.

But I don't think the hair style is a big deal. I had my hair the same style at my sisters wedding and i was in the BP and she didnt care, she was wearing the veil and tiara (everyone clearly knew I wasnt the bride)...I think thats just preference. If it will really bother you, Id say something. I dont care how my girls get their hair done, all updos or some up and some down. I just dont think its my place to say how someone styles their hair, esp if I want them to be comfortable.

I also wouldnt care down to the detail of nailpolish, but thats just me!!

If they were tealength dresses, Id say matching shoes may matter more, but with floorlength, who really sees them?

I def think your BM should pay for her own makeup. Or do her own if she simply cant afford it.

I do care about them wearing same colors and such, even dresses I prefer the same style but down to makeup, shoes, nailpolish, hair, etc...I want them to be comfortable. I already know theyre wearing a dress they probably wouldnt pick out for themselves if they could pick anything, I dont want to make it miserable for them w/ every little detail.

But I do sympathize w/ you for wanting things a certain way for your wedding!!! Hope it all gets worked out.

All JMO!!!
erdbeere Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

I really only agree with the FG dress thing...I'd definitely be P-Oed
For the rest I think you might be a bit too picky.

First of all...everyone's hair is different... like you said one girl has short hair..some may have thin pin-straight hair and others may have thick wavy/curly hair...so the same style probably won't work. And what looks good on one girl might not look good on another.

As far as shoes go... my girls are wearing short dresses but I am still letting them pick out their own shoes. As witht he hair, everyone's feet are different... my sister has REALLY wide feet and some 'wide' shoes doen't even fit, and she wants to wear a 'high' heel. And my BM has fat feet and can't walk in heels... so I'm letting htem get what they want, aslong as the shoes are white because I want them to be comfortable. And there is somethign wrong if guests focus on the BMS feet.

Nailpolish...thats such a small detail, I really wouldn't give any thought to that.

And unless you are payng for their make-up...no one should HAVE to get it professionally done.

Thats jmo!
Pencils Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

The flower girl's mother should definitely have consulted you. That's ridiculous, it's your wedding! Otherwise--

I agree with the most of the other posters. Isn't it better to have happy bridesmaids than absolutely uniform ones? And, besides, I'm sure they all look different anyway, different heights, weights, hair color, complexions, etc. So wanting them to look absolutely 'uniform' isn't going to happen anyway. don't worry about the hair. You're the bride, it doesn't matter if their hair is similar, and you said one had short hair anyway. No one will mistake you for a BM. The nail polish, well, it sounds like a difficult color to match, and I'm sure most of the girls were looking forward to getting a really good manicure and keeping it for a week. No one but you will notice their manicures, and it won't show up in pictures, so I think you should cave on this one. And the shoes: that's also hard, because everyone has different feet. Some women don't feel right in heels and can't walk in them at all, some wear wide widths, I know I'm 6' and don't like to wear heels if it means I'm sticking out when standing next to a bunch of much shorter people. And I bet that BM either can't afford the pro makeup, or doesn't wear much anyway and doesn't see the point. Let it go, unless she normally wears awful makeup. If so, then secretly pay for her, I'm sure she'd appreciate it.

Good luck!
tricia3381 Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Posted by MJDoc12

ok the FG dress thing would make me mad....no doubt....i'm with ya

as for the rest....you might be going a little over board just a teeny tiny bit. i think you kind of feel like 'well i was flexible with ther dresses so they should do what i want in these things' and unfortunatley that's not the right mind set.

just let them do what they want for hair, make up, nail polish, etc. myself and my girls all had a 1/2 up and down style...but we didn't look the same...it was alll different. no one cared. we care about the silliest things sometimes! no one will look at your BMs nails or questioning if they have similiar hair style to yours.....they will be too busy looking at YOU, the beautiful bride!


very well said!!
JTEC02 Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

I have 10 bridesmaid and to the only thing that i chose (with their approval) was their dress. They are choosing how to wear their hair, their shoes and everything else. I did not think it would be fair to force people to wear their hair a certain way if they were uncomfortable with it. Some of my BM's like how they look with their hair down others want it up. Their choice. The same goes with the shoes. I want them to be happy with how they look. So to be truthful, the only thing that I agree with you on is the flower girl dress - you definitely should have approved that one.

KRISTYRUSSELL Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Yes, you have every right to be mad, that is ridiculous. Sometimes you have to wonder what is wrong with people, I mean its your Wedding day, not theres.

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