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Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Original post by Regal Beagle

I think I have been very fair with my BMs.

I let them pick out the dress they wanted (I approved the color) and have asked their input on everything. I love them very much and I want them to feel confident and comfortable on my wedding day. I know of many brides that decide everything.

I don't think it's fair to be a dictator, but I think I need to pull in the reins a bit.

First, one BM picked out and bought the FG dress (her daughter) without my approval.

1. Do you think that's wrong?

We were discussing hair styles and they want the same kind of style as me, half up and half down.

2. Shouldn't I be the only one with that hair style?

Then, they said that they all may want different hair styles because one BM has very short hair and it would be hard to please everyone.

3. I said that I absolutley did not want that and they got mad. Was I wrong to want that? Shouldn't they be all be uniform?

I told the girls that I bought a nail polish that is the exact same color as their dress(it was a fluke how I found it)- Cinnamon. I bought it so where ever they go to get their nails done they will look the same. One BM said 'I only do French!'

4. I said well, that's what I am wearing and I think the nail polish I bought would go better, but she didn't like that. Am I wrong?

They all want to wear different kinds of shoes because they are different heights. I said No Way to that.

5. Am I being unreasonable?

Lastly, one BM doesn't want to pay to have her make-up done. Is that wrong?


I have tried to be very accommodating, but I think I am being walked on or am I being too petty? I think my requests are so simple and I have not asked much from that at all.

I want to be fair, but at the same time if it was their wedding I would do whatever they wanted.
Shouldn't all the BMs look alike?

What do you think?

I am so aggravated!


Thanks
Please share and tell me what you think. I don't want to fight with my friends over nonsense, but I feel that they are being really unfair to me.


FutureMrsBeck Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

It sounds like you've been really fair with the dresses. I don't get why they care about what color nail polish they have, that seems a little silly to 'only want french'

She souldn't have picked out a flower girl dress, that's your job unless otherwise noted

I agree with them on is the hair... the reason I say this is that some people really hate their hair a certain way, and maybe having a uniform hair style isn't the best way to go. The way I see it is that you can tell them they can't do half up because that's how you're doing it, but then let them do their hair however looks best on them. We all know what looks best on ourselves, and in the pics you want them to look their best! That doesn't always mean they have to match If they're happy with their hair it shows through, and some reople look really silly with their hair a certain way, so they're uncomfortable and the don't look good in pics! JMO

The shoes should match if they're tea length, if they're full length then who cares? No one's gonna see them! As long as they're the same color you should be fine.

Prof. Make up costs a lot, and people should have the option, not the obligation unless you're gonna pay for it

It sounds like you're really sweet to them though, because you actually care if you're asking too much or not, so they're lucky to have you!

Other than that I thin k you've been realllllly nice and they're very lucky to have picked their own dresses
GabrielleandJohn Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

I must agree with most other posters. I think that on the first point of the FG dress you are 100% correct. That BM should have talked to you before purchasing or shopping for a FG dress.

I am also a lax bride. I picked a color and let my girls pick out their dresses to whatever suit them. I also let them pick their shoes, hair, nails and anything else that has to do with them because I want them with me in all their beauty and comfort.

I don't think you are right with regards to the make up, it is not fair to assume that someone wants to pay to have their make up done and no one should feel pressured. Remember that these girls are like other guests, except they are throwing you a shower and taking you on a bachelorette party and buying a dress and shoes and..... Adding unneccesary expenses is not fair.

I don't think that the hair thing is a big deal. Let them do what they want. As far as nails go, I understand the person who only gets french. I myself only get french manicures. Try and be open and try to remember what the last wedding you went to manicures looked like.

As for the shoes, I don't think it matters but as you can see I don't think that my bridesmaids should look like little cookie cutter people that I dreamed up. I think they should look like my best friends and sisters.

Here is my only concern with your posts, you don't seem to be particularly bothered by their choices but seem more upset that others feel they are taking over. If you don't feel that way then don't let others pressure you into feeling that way. These are your GIRLS! Dont forget how much they love and support you, and how much they are doing for you and your special day.
Christys0925 Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

You are NOT being unreasonable at all. You are just going to have to put your foot down. If they still giv you problems you may have to find new BM's

AMGBride2008 Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

OK, I don't think you are wrong at all.... the only thing I would give into, and this is ONLY if the dresses are floor length, is that they can choose they're own shoes. As for the rest of their look, it doesn't need to be identical to one another, but they shouldn't be doing things your doing. I would sit them down and let them know that you've been super flexible thru out this whole process but there are certain things you want for them on YOUR wedding day.

Good luck!

ETA: About the makeup.. if a girl doesn't want to pay to have her's done, that shouldn't be a problem, she'll do it herself...
Snickers76 Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

The BM who went out and got the FG dress is wrong. No doubt about it.

If I was any of the other girls in your BP, I may be a little put off by the requests for specific nail polish, hair-dos and shoes. I am sure they have done a lot for you in this process and they may be feeling a bit like your props or dolls with so many requirements on the way they must look at your wedding. Always remember why you chose these girls to stand up for you in the first place.

I don't think that a BM should have to pay for professional makeup. It is kind of expensive. You should, however, remind her that it will look great in the pictures.

I let my BMs choose hteir own black dresses and at first I said no halters, because my dress is a halter. I have since changed my mind. Halters look great on my MOH and I love her and want her to look great and feel special, since she is so special to me.

Don't feel like you have to be the boss of your BMs. They're your friends and relatives and they love you, although they might be giving you a big pain in the a** right about now.


Erin
mskittynj Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Honey YOU are the BRIDE. You are the BOSS!!!! When you sign up to be a bridesmaid you are subjected to all of the bride's wishes! I think you were nice to let them all pick diff. dresses to begin with! You are not being unreasonable or unfair! Stick to your guns!
XOXOXo
Kitty
bettybcafe Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

I def. agree with you on the FG dress...she shouldnt have brought the dress without your consent. As for everything else..well...its little things that shouldnt really upset you. If they want to do french manicures..let them...I mean..whose really going to be looking at their nails right? I would let them wear whatever shoes they want..as long as they are the same color. I mean, everyone has different shoe taste..I sure do. I hate pointy shoes..so if I were a BM's I would HATE for the bride to make it mandatory for me to wear pointy shoes...let it go...the other thing that I would agree with you on is the hairstyle...I think that your hairstyle should def. be different from the rest....I dont think you should all have half down half up hair styles....JMO
HTH
ant n tilde Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

okay i was a bridesmaid in many weddings and right now i am a bride

i think it is so messed up that she bought the FG dress - that is just crazy

BUT no one has ever asked me to get certain shoes, hairstyle, makeup etc I just picked everything out myself.

I would be so upset if they did that too bc i have really bad acne on my back so i HAVE to wear my hair down. . .at least half up/half down - so if i had to wear it up for a wedding I would probably be in tears for the entire wedding.

as for shoes - i am SO PICKY with shoes . . . i really have to be comfortable so if i had high heels you would see me walking down the aisle like a spastic duck - i am just NOT elegant in high skinny heels

as for the nail polish - i think that would be cute and i would paint my nails a certain way if the bride wanted me to but i dont think anyone would notice

makeup is expensive and i have never gotten it done -so i dont think you can really ask them to do that if you arent paying

as for me, my girls can do whatever they want as long as they wear the dress
Lilac1543 Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

I understand how you feel. You should definitely be consulted on the flower girl dress.
As far as hairstyles and whatnot....I'd think that as a BM you wouldn't even think to have the same hairstyle as the bride, that's just my opinion though. I would explain to them though that it's important to you that you are really distinguished from the BM's. Honestly, I wouldn't be upset over them wanting to wear different shoes and nail polishes. Noone is really going to notice that anyway. All of my BM's are choosing their own shoes...and I never even discussed with them their hair or nails. They asked me what I wanted them to have done with their hair and honestly I told them whatever they wanted.
YOUR the Bride and no matter what anyone else does with their hair, shoes, etc. it is still YOUR day and all the attention will be on YOU.
StarryEyedBride Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Hmmm ... Well, I'm not going to say whether you're right or wrong, because its not a matter of right/wrong. It's a matter of your opinion and what you would like on your wedding day. My girls are wearing diff gowns because everyone is a different body type, they are wearing whatever kind of shoes they want (as long as color matches dress), Some girls are getting hair/makeup done, some aren't (might be a matter of $$)...Its hard to please everyone. I commend you for being so reasonable thus far and if something really upsets you then say something...but not because thats the way you think it 'should' be or is 'supposed to be' say something because thats what would make you happiest on your wedding day.

diva7531 Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

This is just MHO, the nails and shoes will not be seen, the hair will. I am asking my girls to wear their hair all up as I am wearing mine half up-half down. No problem. FG dress, shoulda been your decision but if it isn't horrible, leave it! Make-up, personal decision. They'll all be beautiful. Friends last for a good time in our lives, wedding, one day. What's more important? Pick your battles.
Pencils Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

>>Honey YOU are the BRIDE. You are the BOSS!!!! When you sign up to be a bridesmaid you are subjected to all of the bride's wishes!

Are you kidding with that? We all make jokes about 'brideslaves' but keep in mind, these are your friends and loved ones. If you don't want to lose your friends, and spend the rest of your life apologizing to your loved ones, try to see it their way somewhat. It's not worth losing your friends over a pair of shoes or a specific updo.
cantwait84 Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

i think that they definitly should consult you before they picked the flower dress, however i think that the hair style and nails should be up to the girls. just my opinion

SummerBride06 Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

honestly? all except the first item are petty. the FG dress should not have been picked without your input--that was completely wrong.

as for the rest--hairstyle, nail polish color--let the ladies do what they feel comfortable with. no one will notice. i wore the same jewelry set as my BMs and even THEY didn't notice! no one will notice your nails and say 'ohhhh loook....they're different than the BMs!'

personally, i love french manicure too and that's what i always wear as a BM.

your BMs shouldn't have to pay for makeup. if you want them to have it and they can't afford it, you should pay. it shouldn't be a requirement.

don't sweat the small stuff. you'll just make your friends (BMs) mad at you and could ruin some relationships. your wedding will be beautiful whether all of your hairstyles are the same or not. and personally, i love when everyone looks different! it looks more natural and not as staged.

just have fun and relax.
LaurenF Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

here's my opinion, and i preface it by saying, no matter what anyone else's opinion is, it's your day so you should do what you want. with that said...

regarding hair----if you're wearing your hair half-up, you have every right to ask them NOT to wear it half up. i personally wouldn't be so particular about each of them wearing their hair the same, but again, it's up to you.

nail polish- in my opinion, no one will notice it as long as no one's wearing a bright color. for me, it wouldn't be a battle worth fighting. i promise you that NO ONE will notice what nail polish your BMs are wearing.

shoes- i would want them all to be the same color, and possibly even all open or all closed. i wouldn't really care if they were the same style, as long as they were either all open or all closed.

makeup- this one could go either way. do you trust her to do it well enough on her own? is that what she's suggesting, or does she still expect to get it done but to have you pay for it? i know a ton of BMs that pay for their own and i don't think it's asking alot. it's part of the package of being a bridesmaid.

as for the FG dress, that was just wrong! she should have definitely asked you.
hope that helps!
donegal419 Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

I would be a bit upset about the flower girl situation... that should have been you and the girl's mother.... that was one of my most fun days wedding planning: going out and trying on dresses with my FG.

but i have to disagree with you on the hair, shoes and nail polish and make-up. WHO CARES??? no one is looking at them anyway... you are the focus. All my girls had differernt hairstyles and make-up, etc. they looked great because the hair and make-up suited them...they didn't all look alike and I liked that..... also, no one sees the shoes anyway, so let them wear what they're comfortable in.... i did ask that they be navy (the dress color) but i let them pick them out.
Captsarkasm Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

To be honest with you....I think some of the things you are demanding are a bit unreasonable. I would be upset if one of my BMs picked out the flower girls dress without asking me and completely understand you not wanting to have the girls hair just like yours, but to dictate what color they wear on their nails....or FORCE them to get their make up done, would be very 'dictator ish'....I understand you wanting to stand out that day, but the odds of people even noticing your nails Vs. Your BMs nails are odd..... As far as the make up....I completely agree with your BMs. I don't know the price of your make up person, but they are already spending a lot of $$ on your wedding day and make up is not really something that is absolutely necessary (if there is a girl who is HORRIBLE at doing her make up or doesn't usually wear any, why don't you or another BV just offer to do it for them...for free)

As for the shoes...thats touchy....i'm completely fine with all the girls wearing different shoes as long as they all match the dress. (I'm a little bias on this topic because I have really big feet....and would hate to have a bride tell me you have to wear a specific shoe and it not come in my size)...

I don't mean to offend you, but it is just my honest opinion.
LyseeH Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

Posted by FutureMrsBeck

It sounds like you've been really fair with the dresses. I don't get why they care about what color nail polish they have, that seems a little silly to 'only want french'

She souldn't have picked out a flower girl dress, that's your job unless otherwise noted

I agree with them on is the hair... the reason I say this is that some people really hate their hair a certain way, and maybe having a uniform hair style isn't the best way to go. The way I see it is that you can tell them they can't do half up because that's how you're doing it, but then let them do their hair however looks best on them. We all know what looks best on ourselves, and in the pics you want them to look their best! That doesn't always mean they have to match If they're happy with their hair it shows through, and some reople look really silly with their hair a certain way, so they're uncomfortable and the don't look good in pics! JMO

The shoes should match if they're tea length, if they're full length then who cares? No one's gonna see them! As long as they're the same color you should be fine.

Prof. Make up costs a lot, and people should have the option, not the obligation unless you're gonna pay for it

It sounds like you're really sweet to them though, because you actually care if you're asking too much or not, so they're lucky to have you!

Other than that I thin k you've been realllllly nice and they're very lucky to have picked their own dresses


Very well stated!

I had tea length dresses for my BM's so they had to wear the same shoes but I made sure all of them liked what i picked out...which they are like me with style so they loved them!

Hair, its up to you but like stated before, one persons style may look better on her than another one.

I had bought my girls their jewelry they all matched except the maid of honors.

The nail polish is a bit too much. Its their nails plus no on is going to really pay attention to that.

As much as you get advice, do what you think is right and what you want!
jessruth9 Posted:

Re: Am I being petty or is it time to put my foot down? (kind of long with a lot of questions)

I agree with the other posts.
The FG dress should have been your decision but the details really won't matter on your big day.
Just enjoy your friends and have a good time!

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