Brides Helping Brides ™ - Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

fallwed03 Posted: Jul 28, 2003 11:51 AM

Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

Ok -
1. Fiance is Jewish - He does not follow - has not been to temple since he is 8 - probably went 5 times his whole life - Family does not follow that much either

2. We decided to get married on Friday night to save some money - ( my mom is paying for half and we are paying the rest - note: my mom is not well off)

3. His grandmother and mother had a fit about Friday - the whole after sundown on Friday thing - that they never follow - but all of a sudden it is a big issue

4. change it to Saturday night for an extra 5k because we could not deal w/ drama any longer - told them it was that much more and they said - we can't help you - Note: They are all very well off - example - 700k houses

5. Decided to get married at CWPOST at 3:30 - his grandma decided to tell me yesterday - that she cant go to the ceremony cause it is still Sabbath - Bull>>?? she never followed before - then continued to say who gets married in the afternoon and has a break for 2 hours???

6. Then his mother says ' I will not have enough time to get my hair and makeup done if you have the ceremony at 3:30' - (beacuse she goes to the beauty parlor from 9-2 every saturday!!!)

7. Invitations - his mom says - nastily ' Well if your moms name is on the invite mine has to be there' - NOT - you are not giving me sh?? but grief and drama

Am I crazy or are they totally selfish - My FH says don't listen to them but it is hard because I want to please them all.

I WANT TO ELOPE(sp?) SOOOO BAD

shelzyp Posted: Jul 28, 2003 11:58 AM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

I don;'t think you are crazy. FH has to speak with his family, you should not ahve to be dealing with this. It is your wedding,a dn you should do what you both want, not what his family wants.

MSCJLK Posted: Jul 28, 2003 12:01 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

I would totally have you FH sepak to his family.. But to make things nice you can laways put there name after your Fh like son of Mr and Mrs Blah blah…he should tell them if they want their names then they should be giving something… JMO

Annieb Posted: Jul 28, 2003 12:05 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

I don't think you are crazy AT ALL. Here are some suggestions that might help. If it is not too late, can you switch the ceremony to Sunday. All of the Jewish weddings i have been to have been on Sunday for exactly this reason. Also, it will be cheaper than Saturday (although not as cheap as friday) thus resolving another issue.

Two hours in between is NOT a long time. In fact, for a ceremony that is not at the reception hall it is TYPICAL.

Also, for what its worth, the rules of 'etiquette' dictate that if your parents are paying for it, only THEIR names go on the invitation. 'Son of' is not proper! You can tell FH's parents to look it up in the Crane's Bluebook

Hope this helps

goldilocks Posted: Jul 28, 2003 12:09 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

Ugh! So much drama! Sorry that they are being so unreasonable. No, it is not YOU who's crazy! If FI has no prob with the wedding being on Friday, $5000 is a lot of money to make his parents & Gparents happy. He needs to be the one dealing with his parents. If they aren't contributing to the wedding, they are not entitled to make demands. Period.
I don't think they should be on the invite, but there was a mention of a compromise here, his name, son of (insert them). That was a good suggestion. If FI says ignore them, listen to him. ANything that needs to be worked out can be done by him.
Good luck!!!!

sanmik Posted: Jul 28, 2003 12:10 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

I don't think you're crazy and you better nip this in the bud now, because it will only get worse. Lay it down once and for all. I know someone with a MIL from hell, until one day she just went off on the witch. Don't bottle it up, say it now. If you are the 'biatch' in their eyes then so be it, but they won't step all over you, that's for sure.

Valenia Posted: Jul 28, 2003 12:20 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

I'm confused, why did you switch the wedding from Friday night because of shabbat only to replan it for before sundown? That totally took away the reason for switching in the first place. You have not done anything to address their original complaint by moving the wedding...

The time to get her hair done comment is absurd and to be ignored. If she goes every week, they'll open early for her.

Personally, I wouldn't judge their ability to chip in based on the value of their house alone -- their mortgage payments could be a killer. Of course you may know more then you've shared.

And sorry, but I do think that assuming a good relationship between your FH and his mom, that her name should be on the invitation. Otherwise, it gives the appearance of a strained relationship to the guests, hurts her feelings, and just really doesn't set you off on the right foot.

*HUGS* I definitely see that she is being difficult, but you have to remember that you are setting the tone for your future relationship and to try to be considerate (more so then she is it seems).

prncssrachel Posted: Jul 28, 2003 12:28 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

My FILs will not be contributing ANYTHING to our wedding either, but we will still put their name on the invites. It sounds like these people are getting a rise out of being difficult. IGNORE THEM. Go about your planning, and if they don't come to the ceremony, IT'S THEIR LOSS. But, to be real honest, I have a feeling they will be there. They just sound bitter and nasty. Let them dwell in their negativity. It will only come around to bite them in the ASS at a later date. I feel your pain, though. Good Luck!

michele31 Posted: Jul 28, 2003 12:30 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

Your FH needs to have a LONG talk with his mother. You have ever right to have your ceremony at 3:30, you have every right NOT to include his parent's name on the invite since they are not paying one dime, you have every right to have the wedding you want! His mother needs to know that this is NOT her wedding. You changed the time/date for an extra $5K! to respect her (pretend) religious beliefs and that is plently IMO. Stand firm. From now one, stop showing her stuff too- no more 'look at our invite'. Do not offer any information. Have your FH tell his mother that her name will not appear on the invite, since your mother is the one contributing to the wedding.
The invite is stating who is hosting the wedding, she is not hosting it is and I never assume that the groom and his parents are not on good terms if their names do not appear on an invite. Traditionally only the bride's parents name appear anyway.
The ceremony time stays, as you already changed the date/time for her and you will not do it again. And that she really does not have a say in this so to please refrain from giving her opinions from now on. You are NOT crazy.

Warning: this pattern of behavior will continue with this women for the rest of your life. She will want the baby named a certain name, she will want the child to be raised Jewish, she will insist that the house you want to purchase is 'not in a good enough area' stuff like that so put a stop to this now or else it will just get a ton worse.

fallwed03 Posted: Jul 28, 2003 01:36 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

Thank you all -

You have given me a liitle peace of mind back

HUGS

mv1003 Posted: Jul 28, 2003 02:14 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

Michele31- I just gave someone the EXACT SAME ADVICE this morning. A girl a work is starting to expierence a few of the same things.

All I can say is I'm sorry this is so stressful and full of drama! You do have to keep things to yourself & FH b/c opinions are like a55holes... everyone's got one. Mostly negative b/c no matter how old/young, there's a tad bit of jealousy in these negative responses!!! If it's not jealously, it's the firm belief that everything should be done their way. Your way might not be the same as your MOH, MIL/FIL, sister, etc....

I do not have my FH parent's names on my invite either. My Mom is paying for the reception (in which they added 25 people to w/ out even asking) I did not want to insult my Mother, she's hosting. that's it.

cw0904 Posted: Jul 28, 2003 02:25 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

I agree with Michele31 completely. You need to nip this in the butt right now.

ddunne23 Posted: Jul 28, 2003 02:35 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

Whose wedding is this....that's right YOURS! DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND DO NOT LISTEN TO OTHERS OR WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY!

butterfly20 Posted: Jul 28, 2003 02:59 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

you are definately not crazy.... and as for the invitations you can tell her ' traditional ettiquete states the brides parents host the wedding, thus their name goes on the invitation' after the way they have been acting i definately would not add them on..

june262004 Posted: Jul 28, 2003 03:06 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

U are not crazy Id be ****ed 2. And as for the 330 and then 2 hour break my wedding is at 230 and cocktail hour isnt till 7:00. I just have one question though just cause they dont practice are any of the invited guest real religous? if his family is jewish im sure he has other family members aunts uncles cousins and even friends that are very religous how will they feel?

aliciahelene Posted: Jul 28, 2003 03:12 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

wow! You are not Id be FU@$#@in PIssed!! You or your finace should tell them excatly how youre feeling! Thats crazy for anyone to tell you how to plan your wedding. She shouldnt even be worried about her hair and makeup to that extent..YOU are the bride....and if she isnt bucking up the cash..her name should be nowhere on the invites..I would have no problem telling her that! People can be so wierd. Im sorry you are going through that..you were GENEROUS enough to switch to a saturday..but you definately should draw the line there..otherwise it sounds like they would control the whole thing. In my opinion..you guys have to talk to them..heck..youre not veen married yet..imagine what they'll be like when you ARe married...set em straight now!!! GOOD LUCK!!!

fallwed03 Posted: Jul 28, 2003 08:51 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

Thank you again - I am really feeling better

Olgaki Posted: Jul 28, 2003 09:42 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

Just wanted to send out some

gertyrae Posted: Jul 28, 2003 11:53 PM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

I wish you the best of luck. People like that just want to be difficult. My friend married into a Jewish family just like that. She just had her first baby and is still going through stuff like that. They wanted her and her hubby to have a brisque(sp?), they never go to temple and celebrate christmas.

2003OCT10 Posted: Jul 29, 2003 12:01 AM

Re: Am I crazy???? (LONG VENT SORRY)

hun.. I dont know what to say but if I were you I would be swimming in a pool of Vodka if I had to deal with in laws like that!!! I wish you the best of luck.. Hang in there!!!!!!!