Am I wrong?

So FH and I have been engaged for a while now. We are activity now seeking vendors and other things for our wedding. I have a great relationship with my father, he is my world. Relationship with my mother: eh is getting better. We really haven’t seen eye to eye but lately, (New Year Resolution was to have a better relationship with her) we have been getting along better. With that being said my father, is giving us some money toward the wedding and my mother is going to try to help as well (they are divorce). FH is too scared to ask his, really his father for any money. He like “oh the guy is having a hard time with work” and etc. Basically every time we see his dad he always saying “oh I am lucky to have a job or complaining about money” yet he takes monthly trips to FLA to visit his house?!?!?!?! I guess this is more like a vent if anything. I feel we need to know if he will be helping with anything because I feel so pressured. FH and his father didn’t have a good relationship until I came into the picture but he still your dad and he should have an idea that he need to provide something? Am I wrong?

I don't think so - the way we are working this out is my parents are paying for the RH and FH's parents are paying for some of the vendors/details - and others we (FH and I) are responsible for.

I understand FFIL may be in a tough spot but i dont think its wrong for him to contribute something - i mean even if he paid for something small like invites or favors ( i know those can add but in the grand scheme of things they are smaller).

Talk more w/ FH about it and see what he says - if anything present it to FFIL as 'we would like you to help with our special day, what are you comfortable with?'

I don't think there is a right or a wrong. Would it be nice to know when and if there is going to be a financial contribution from him for the wedding. Sure. But FH is not comfortable asking. I don't think he should feel pressured to. People come around on their own.

For example, I have a similar situation with my family. My father is currently out of work, but receives a pension. He made comments that he would like to help, but doesn't know if he can. I left it alone. Eventually he came to me and told me that he would like to pay for the rehersal dinner. No pressure from me, and it's something from him. If he can do more he will.

Same thing with FH's dad. If it's really going to make FH uncomfortable, then leave it alone. FFIL will either step up on his own, or he won't. I would plan for not, and be pleasently surprised if he does.

I understand your frustration, it's a delicate situation when dealing with family and money.

I personally wouldn't push FH to ask. Especially if you say their relationship hasn't always been solid.

My parents are contributing but FH's parents haven't volunteered any $$ and we aren't going to ask them. When we initially got engaged and were putting together a budget, I asked FH if his parents contributed to his older brother's wedding and FH said 'no.' They gave a monetary present the day of. FH is all about 'doing it myself' so I knew he wouldn't ask his parents for money and the last thing I wanted was to make them feel pressured to so I let it go. My whole thing is, when you announce your engagement, I feel that the people who want to help will speak up. That is JMO.

Good luck!

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Posted by MissingLI

I don't think wrong is the correct word in this. Would it be nice to know when and if there is going to be a financial contribution from him for the wedding. Sure. But FH is not comfortable asking. I don't think he should feel pressured to. People come around on their own.

For example, I have a similar situation with my family. My father is currently out of work, but receives a pension. He made comments that he would like to help, but doesn't know if he can. I left it alone. Eventually he came to me and told me that he would like to pay for the rehersal dinner. No pressure from me, and it's something from him. If he can do more he will.

Same thing with FH's dad. If it's really going to make FH uncomfortable, then leave it alone. FFIL will either step up on his own, or he won't. I would plan for not, and be pleasently surprised if he does.

I understand your frustration, it's a delicate situation when dealing with family and money.

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ITA

i don't think you're wrong in wanting your FH to ask ... but you also should not expect anything (doesn't sound like you are )

if your FH won't ask his parents, then you can ask for him (or maybe with him)

I'm sorry, but FH needs to grow a pair and ask! I know, talking about money makes me incredibly uncomfortable, too, but you NEED to know.

Or, if he really refuses, just begin the planning process assuming you're not getting anything from them. So if it turns out later he wants to contribute, great, but if he doesn't, you've already got it covered.

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Posted by jilliibabii

I'm sorry, but FH needs to grow a pair and ask! I know, talking about money makes me incredibly uncomfortable, too, but you NEED to know.

Or, if he really refuses, just begin the planning process assuming you're not getting anything from them. So if it turns out later he wants to contribute, great, but if he doesn't, you've already got it covered.

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I could not agree more. When I told my dad we want to do the big wedding, he made a face and my reply was don't give me that s h I t.
The day you had a baby girl , is the day you should have started to save LOL

and he laughed and he couldn't even fight it :)

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Posted by mybabylovesmoi

I personally wouldn't push FH to ask. Especially if you say their relationship hasn't always been solid.

My parents are contributing but FH's parents haven't volunteered any $$ and we aren't going to ask them. When we initially got engaged and were putting together a budget, I asked FH if his parents contributed to his older brother's wedding and FH said 'no.' They gave a monetary present the day of. FH is all about 'doing it myself' so I knew he wouldn't ask his parents for money and the last thing I wanted was to make them feel pressured to so I let it go. My whole thing is, when you announce your engagement, I feel that the people who want to help will speak up. That is JMO.

Good luck!

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I think the same thing...
I woudlnt push him to tlk to him... Dont me to b mean but After all It is YOUR WEDDING... it is nice if Parents support but They dont Have to do it...
especially how u said that they were not close before....

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Posted by Kuklitsa143

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Posted by jilliibabii

I'm sorry, but FH needs to grow a pair and ask! I know, talking about money makes me incredibly uncomfortable, too, but you NEED to know.

Or, if he really refuses, just begin the planning process assuming you're not getting anything from them. So if it turns out later he wants to contribute, great, but if he doesn't, you've already got it covered.

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I could not agree more. When I told my dad we want to do the big wedding, he made a face and my reply was don't give me that s h I t.
The day you had a baby girl , is the day you should have started to save LOL

and he laughed and he couldn't even fight it :)

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I'm with you girls, but that shows we have a good relationship with our parents. I also was blunt with my parents as soon as they said they will help us. I replied 'I NEED A NUMBER!' lol. But obviously your FH isn't cool with his dad like that. But if he wants to ask like you mentioned, just remind him its no big deal, you just want to know what you're working with. No pressure for all parties.

Sigh, it is sticky.

ETA: And I don't think you are wrong to want to know, wedding planning starts from the budget after all.

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Posted by mybabylovesmoi

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Posted by Kuklitsa143

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Posted by jilliibabii

I'm sorry, but FH needs to grow a pair and ask! I know, talking about money makes me incredibly uncomfortable, too, but you NEED to know.

Or, if he really refuses, just begin the planning process assuming you're not getting anything from them. So if it turns out later he wants to contribute, great, but if he doesn't, you've already got it covered.

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I could not agree more. When I told my dad we want to do the big wedding, he made a face and my reply was don't give me that s h I t.
The day you had a baby girl , is the day you should have started to save LOL

and he laughed and he couldn't even fight it :)

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I'm with you girls, but that shows we have a good relationship with our parents. I also was blunt with my parents as soon as they said they will help us. I replied 'I NEED A NUMBER!' lol. But obviously your FH isn't cool with his dad like that. But if he wants to ask like you mentioned, just remind him its no big deal, you just want to know what you're working with. No pressure for all parties.

Sigh, it is sticky.

ETA: And I don't think you are wrong to want to know, wedding planning starts from the budget after all.

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Yeah, I definitely agree with this! Planning starts with a budget and a rough guest list! Two most important first steps!!! My parents aren't contributing to the wedding. I asked straight out and they said they'd buy my dress and help me with little things, like the cnady buffet and the favors, but couldn't contribute towards the large vendors. That was fine by me. I think the biggest thing to stress is there is NO PRESSURE to contribute. It's just that you need to know!

You need to find out now (so you can budget) who is contributing and how much. I would sit down with your FFIL and find out what (if any) he is willing to contribute. DO the same with your parents. Then you and FH will know how much you need to save.

This is important and needs to be done to help you budget.

Edit to add: I don't think you should expect anything. You don't know his situation. Maye he'd be willing to chip in in some way though, even if it's a small amount..it would help.

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Posted by MissingLI

I don't think there is a right or a wrong. Would it be nice to know when and if there is going to be a financial contribution from him for the wedding. Sure. But FH is not comfortable asking. I don't think he should feel pressured to. People come around on their own.

For example, I have a similar situation with my family. My father is currently out of work, but receives a pension. He made comments that he would like to help, but doesn't know if he can. I left it alone. Eventually he came to me and told me that he would like to pay for the rehersal dinner. No pressure from me, and it's something from him. If he can do more he will.

Same thing with FH's dad. If it's really going to make FH uncomfortable, then leave it alone. FFIL will either step up on his own, or he won't. I would plan for not, and be pleasently surprised if he does.

I understand your frustration, it's a delicate situation when dealing with family and money.

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ITA good advice.