And the FMIL issues commence.....need help! Or ....

J/K with the xanax part! lol

So, I've been waiting 3 weeks to get a tentative guest list from my FMIL. Finally, my FH says he'll be picking it up today. I get home to a 3 page list!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously? ***? My mom and dad have both kept it to a minimum 75-85 people....we've been budgeting for a 150 person wedding, as that's what we can afford. Small, intimate....and that's not even THAT small! Ready for her count alone?? 153!!! 153 people! Cousins...and cousins of cousins....my FH doesn't even KNOW most of the people on the list! This doesn't include all the people HE want to invite that his mother doesn't know....friends, coworker etc.

What do I do???

P.S. My mom is helping on a small portion, but we are, for the most part paying for the entire thing. They haven't offered, nor are we going to ask them. We are adults and can perfectly handle a MEDIUM sized wedding....well, I thought we could......


I need a drink.....

Oh...and now I know why she told us that 10 months wouldn't be enough when we told her about the possible summer date.

ok this is what you do....and really..do not back down.

you give FMIL a # of guests. a set #. like 50 for each side and 50 for you and FH or more for each side if you have less than 50 of your own friends. that's it!

what we did was do our list of must invites...that's all family and closest friends that are basically family.

then, we gave this list to either side and said, look this over...this is the master list. did we leave anyone off? bc anyone else you want to invite is up to you. you invite them, you pay for them. and do not back down at all!

Thanks ladies! 'm not quite sure if this is a battle I am ready to fight with her. Let's just say she's a VERY passive aggressive person. The type who won't yell and be upfront rude.....but will always butt in with her insults (jokingly) and snide remarks.

The max for the RH that we're hoping for...has a max of 220 and it's a one bride party so there are no other rooms available for a larger party. It's really not about the room, it's simply about what we can afford. And YES, she knew that we've been telling every place about 150 and knew what my number was at....so I figured that would clue her in.

LMAO....and the worst part, I'm sitting here going down the list and she has little note.....'HE should be in your wedding party'.......'I would deff say yes to her'.....(guest?) well, yeah....if they're adults then it's only appropriate to allow them a guest! Silly woman!!! So.....upon careful review....if I added guests to the single names with ? marks, then we're now close to 170! FH went out, but we're going to be doing a whole lot of talking when her returns.

I think he will offer to handle it, without including me....but who knows....I won't be there to hear. This is ridunkulous. Thanks for listening to my vent!!!!

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Posted by sjr385

fun fact: gmail keeps filtering this post to my spam mail because it has 'xanax' in the title

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I am starting to really enjoy your fun facts! Will edit now....

OMG....I'm about to die laughing......I am going through each name...and placing them on my excel sheet....she has the wife and husband that use to own the deli that's by us. WOW

WOW! definately tell them they can only invite X amount of people thats it end of story done.

Okay.. I just need to say that I came home to DRAMA. First, my mother was crying and made me cry because my father ruined 'my big moment' by telling her for me. (but that's besides the point)

THEN! We went out to dinner the NIGHT AFTER I came home and told everyone I was engaged. Mind you.. we arrived in New York 24 hours ago and were blissfully happy. My fiance walks into the Cheesecake Factory like and and all I want to do is

Turns out that on the ride to the restaurant.. my FMIL told him we need a BIG wedding to include the 200 or so people SHE wants to invite. Granted.. they do have a big family. So.. cry session #2 (welcome home right?)

What I did was talk to FH and discuss a budget. We sat down and configured what we could go and said 'this is the best we can afford.' Together.. we told her she needed to knock the list down to AT MOST 150.

Fun part... she sat down and wrote a list and could barely come up with that. So! We knocked her down to 100 people to invite.

Moral of the story:
1). Gosh do I know how you feel!
2). It's your wedding.. be open and honest about what you want/can afford
3). Don't stress. I gained 5 of the 15 pounds I gained since coming to NY because I wanted to shove food in my face so I couldn't talk to people. Believe me.. my jeans are not happy.

One of my biggest traits....is being a people pleaser...but a very wise person once told me that when you get engaged....you have to learn to say 'NO.' And start to like...she told me to start practicing then.

So - you have to be strong and stand your ground. No if's, and's or but's....

Good luck! :)

thanks god my FMIL isn't the problem..my mother is. she's negative and doesn't even want me to have a wedding since i was married back in 95. FH wants the wedding and so does his family. if she hates the idea, dont invite any of the family. whatever.

my FMIL's issue is that she wants to invite tons of people from panama. that's great but her list consists of addresses like:

mr so and so
1234 grand st
panama

hello..that's not a complete address! and i'm not sending 50 invitations to people KNOWING they're not coming. that's a waste of money for the invitations and the postage. and my luck they'll all say yes.

i have a great relationship w her so like I said, i told her that we have a very tight budget and we want to accommodate as many people as we can but we need to be realistic. she said ok. lets see what happens.

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Posted by sjr385

fun fact: gmail keeps filtering this post to my spam mail because it has 'xanax' in the title

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fun fact #2...my FMIL IS on xanax..a lot of it! lol

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Posted by allornil

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Posted by sjr385

fun fact: gmail keeps filtering this post to my spam mail because it has 'xanax' in the title

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fun fact #2...my FMIL IS on xanax..a lot of it! lol

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And THATS why she's not a problem! lol I was sitting at my desk this morning, continueing to input her guest list and on the thrid page came across one of my FH's Ex's. FMIL KNOWS how many issues this girl caused at the beginning of our relationship and STILL puts her on the list....with a freaking * (star) by her name. All immediate family and CLOSE friends on her list have stars.

Needless to say, called FH is a frenzy threatening to just fly to Vegas and screw them all.....he relaxed me a bit....then called my mom and started blubbering like an idiot. My mom finally told me to just laugh it off, cause it's perfectly clear that she's just trying to F with me. So, after a good cry and a bit of thinking....I REFUSE to let woman get to me. I will enjoy EVERY bit of planning OUR wedding. I am officially numb to her.....at least I hope! And this is just the beginning....

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Posted by FutureWifey

Okay.. I just need to say that I came home to DRAMA. First, my mother was crying and made me cry because my father ruined 'my big moment' by telling her for me. (but that's besides the point)

THEN! We went out to dinner the NIGHT AFTER I came home and told everyone I was engaged. Mind you.. we arrived in New York 24 hours ago and were blissfully happy. My fiance walks into the Cheesecake Factory like and and all I want to do is

Turns out that on the ride to the restaurant.. my FMIL told him we need a BIG wedding to include the 200 or so people SHE wants to invite. Granted.. they do have a big family. So.. cry session #2 (welcome home right?)

What I did was talk to FH and discuss a budget. We sat down and configured what we could go and said 'this is the best we can afford.' Together.. we told her she needed to knock the list down to AT MOST 150.

Fun part... she sat down and wrote a list and could barely come up with that. So! We knocked her down to 100 people to invite.

Moral of the story:
1). Gosh do I know how you feel!
2). It's your wedding.. be open and honest about what you want/can afford
3). Don't stress. I gained 5 of the 15 pounds I gained since coming to NY because I wanted to shove food in my face so I couldn't talk to people. Believe me.. my jeans are not happy.

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I think I may have to start carrying around rice cakes....I'll be surprised if I have a tongue left by the end of it all from biting so damn much!

ughhh Man I feel bad for you... here is my two cents after reading everyone elses replies...

I agree with everyone that you need to cut the list up, give everyone a piece and say this is your number. You also need to make sure that your moms number is the same as hers, yes your mom is paying but otherwise it will cause an unnecessary headache. Then tell her, the price per head (after you calculate tax & tip) and tell her thats the price per head you can't afford over 150 ppl, but she is welcome to pay for it for the additional guests. Lets bet she places all ehr important people into her piece of the pie.

I haven't had this problem as the FIL's haven't given me a list. I love them, they live in WA and they have money.... but they told FH that no one was going to come to the wedding because they have to travel. ***? You go on vacation ALL THE TIME!!! SO FH had to make his own list of family and friends, which is good bc its only the people he wants there.

The other problem... his list has all these friends from high school or college that he hasn't seen/talked to in YEARS... I was like um one, why are you inviting them, and two, do you really think they'll come out here? But i haven't fought him, I'm fine with sending invites to people I don't think will come. The additional postage will save me the headache.

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Posted by MrsJPH2012

ughhh Man I feel bad for you... here is my two cents after reading everyone elses replies...

I agree with everyone that you need to cut the list up, give everyone a piece and say this is your number. You also need to make sure that your moms number is the same as hers, yes your mom is paying but otherwise it will cause an unnecessary headache. Then tell her, the price per head (after you calculate tax & tip) and tell her thats the price per head you can't afford over 150 ppl, but she is welcome to pay for it for the additional guests. Lets bet she places all ehr important people into her piece of the pie.

I haven't had this problem as the FIL's haven't given me a list. I love them, they live in WA and they have money.... but they told FH that no one was going to come to the wedding because they have to travel. ***? You go on vacation ALL THE TIME!!! SO FH had to make his own list of family and friends, which is good bc its only the people he wants there.

The other problem... his list has all these friends from high school or college that he hasn't seen/talked to in YEARS... I was like um one, why are you inviting them, and two, do you really think they'll come out here? But i haven't fought him, I'm fine with sending invites to people I don't think will come. The additional postage will save me the headache.

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hahah my FH had the same list w people he hasn't seen in forever...and their families!!!! I cut his list down from 226 to a total of 146 and thats w my family!

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Posted by Soon2BMrsErichsen

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Posted by allornil

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Posted by sjr385

fun fact: gmail keeps filtering this post to my spam mail because it has 'xanax' in the title

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fun fact #2...my FMIL IS on xanax..a lot of it! lol

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And THATS why she's not a problem! lol I was sitting at my desk this morning, continueing to input her guest list and on the thrid page came across one of my FH's Ex's. FMIL KNOWS how many issues this girl caused at the beginning of our relationship and STILL puts her on the list....with a freaking * (star) by her name. All immediate family and CLOSE friends on her list have stars.

Needless to say, called FH is a frenzy threatening to just fly to Vegas and screw them all.....he relaxed me a bit....then called my mom and started blubbering like an idiot. My mom finally told me to just laugh it off, cause it's perfectly clear that she's just trying to F with me. So, after a good cry and a bit of thinking....I REFUSE to let woman get to me. I will enjoy EVERY bit of planning OUR wedding. I am officially numb to her.....at least I hope! And this is just the beginning....

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lol first off... omg! My FMIL.. at the beginning of our relationship kept talking about this girl my FH should date instead of me.. in front of my face. Not exactly what happened with you.. but similar enough.

Secondly! DON'T STRESS. Tell her 'this is your number and I will veto who I want. For example.. his EX. She's not coming. ' I would just be straight with her. Really.. if you don't put it out there now.. imagine your future.. like when you have kids. Your FH should be on your side and stand by you on this one. If anything.. I'm sure he agrees.