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Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

dgirl Posted:

Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

I know this is super long, but I would love to hear from anyone who's gone through this kind of thing.

Some background information:
My fiancé is Catholic and I am Jewish. Neither one of us is very religious, but at the same time neither one of us is going to convert. So for the wedding, we are going to be having a Priest and a Rabbi. My mom is paying half and FH and I are paying half. His parents have offered to pay for the honeymoon, and have been really generous with us financially in other ways than the wedding especially when we were starting our business about 5 years ago. Without them we never would have made it through the beginning. So basically it kind of evens out if you add up the support throughout the years of both sides of the family financially, and when it comes to emotional support both are there 1000%.

I guess deep down I kind of wish that FH has said to me, “ok we will just have a rabbi”, but that’s totally not how we are about anything. We are so 50/50 and we just do everything for both religions, holidays etc, and I have always thought how great it was that we don’t overlap and have to decide who’s family to go to for what holiday. I also thought about how we are such opposites but we make it work, and having both religions represented at the wedding would totally illustrate that.

Here’s the problem:
So we booked the officiants and I am actually pretty excited about the whole thing and the way it is going to look etc. Last night I was talking about it with my mom and she says “Everytime you mention that there is going to be a Priest and a Rabbi, it is like you are stabbing me in the heart.” I cannot tell you how much this hurt me. So much so, that I was upset the whole night, instigated a fight with FH, had a terrible nights sleep and woke up crying. I’ve known that something’s been really bothering her this whole time because she isn’t 100% as excited about it all as I expected her to be, but then I read a lot of the posts on here and I see that everyone goes through that time when it seems like you are the only one who cares about the wedding. So I went to see her this morning and talked it out and basically it stands that she supports me 100% but can’t lie that she is not comfortable with it. My mom and I are super close, so that really hurts me. M parents are divorced, so my brother, FH and I step in a lot to make things special for her. She has also used the guilt card on me before and she’s a pro.

Do I a) Go forward and just sort of get over it that she isn’t going to feel comfortable with it, and might possibly be crying something other than tears of joy at my wedding, or do I b) Convince FH that I don’t want both officiants and go for just the rabbi.

We are not really religious at all, and he would be fine with a judge even. He’s said that he’s not cool with just having the Rabbi because it really doesn’t represent how we live our lives. I could probably convince him otherwise. I just want everyone to be happy, and mom and FH are the 2 closest people to me in the whole world.

Has anyone gone through this before? Do you think I will be setting a really bad precedent for the future if I cave to my mom on this?
beaviss80 Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

i just read this to my FH and he said that it seems like you are trying to please everyone...and in life you will drive yourself crazy trying to do so. he thinks that by havig both a rabbi and a priest you are doing right by everyone. we too are (him) methodist and( i) am jewish so i understand your position...but it comes to a point where yo have to know you did a fair thing and everyone else will have to deal with it. hth! best of luck!

bournebride Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

Wow that is a tough one. I agree with your FH that having just a rabbi marry doesn't represent you as a couple. Maybe your mom is just having a tough time getting used to the idea. Is your brother married??? Is it a same faith marriage??? I think when it comes down to the day of your wedding it won't matter, if your relationship with your mom is that close she will just be soooo happy for you. Good luck.

tricia3381 Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

Im sorru ur going through this.
why don't u just keep both? ur never going to make everyone happy and while i know ur mom is very important to u, ur fh is the one who u are marrying.
dgirl Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

Thanks you guys! It helps so much to get these objective opinions!

I am kind of leaning that way to just keep everything the way it is. (priest & rabbi) FH's family doesn't care at all, they are just happy we are finally getting married after 6 1/2 years LOL!

This is the first wedding of all the kids in my whole family including cousins etc, and all my moms friends, so we are kind of flying by the seat of our pants on figuring it all out. My brother is the best man and FH's sister is my MOH.

My mom just did a really good job convincing me last night, that I don't want an interfaith wedding, but I really think I do! I am going to have to get over feeling like I am really letting her down.

beaviss80 - Did you guys have any family pressure about having both officiants?

LImama Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

I know this is a tough situation and you will never be able to please everyone. I did this many years ago, and I can only say that whatever disappointments our families felt, (No church?? No temple??) they got over it quickly.

I think that when you have 2 officiants only one signs the certificate, and the priest may not be allowed to do so, depending on how strict he is in his beliefs. So would your mom feel better if she knew that the rabbi is the 'official' officiant?

I think you need to find out exactly what is upsetting her- is it the idea of having a priest there, or is it something deeper like a disappointment that your FH is not Jewish? My mom was reassured just knowing that our marriage was recognized by the church (we had to get all those special permission dispensations), and I said just think of the rabbi as a guest who is giving us an extra blessing. Maybe your mom will feel better if you describe the priest in that way. Everyone can use an extra blessing!

All best wishes to you!
AMGBride2008 Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

Keep it as is. My parents had a priest and a rabbi at their wedding and my mom's mom had a somewhat tough time with it. My mom basically explained to her that having both their was important to her and that it was just another way of bringing her and my dad and their two families together.
I personally love the idea that you're doing both. Your mom needs to understand that you're doing this in order to avoid turning your back on your faith and your FH turning his back on his faith.
When push comes to shove, it's your day and you won't please. Go with your gut. Your mom will probably be so wrapped up in the emotion of the first of her children to get married that she'll forget (hopefully) who is going to be marrying the two of you.
Good luck! And enjoy this time... remember someone, somewhere isn't happy with something you're doing, so do it for YOU!
BunnyBride Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

I'm sorry your mom is laying a guilt trip... It's really not fair to both you and your FH...

I think you should have both officemate to keep from insulting his family...Would'nt your family feel horrible if there was only a priest there?
Interfaith weddings can be so beautiful and I feel sorry that your mom isn't supporting you..

I was raised Catholic and FH is actually an atheist so we are having a friend become an ordained minister so we will have the spiritual aspect without all the religion and Jesus stuff...

I hope it all works out for you
dgirl Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

WOW - Thats a really good idea to put it to her that way. She said she has a problem with someone doing the cross sign over us, which I am not sure he is going to do anyway...

We are doing the ketubah signing after the ceremony, and FH has been asked to get a copy of his baptism certificate. I felt like the whole thing would kind of be watered down for both sides anyway because the rabbi said all the catholic parts of the ceremony do not conflict with Judiasm, and the Priest said the same thing about the Jewish parts, so I really feel like its going to wind up just being a lot of pretty readings, a beautiful chuppa, the unity candle, the vows, breaking the glass, and a great party.

But that's a great way to explain things!I cannot tell you all how much better I am feeling. I was soooo down about the wedding last night and this morning, and now I am starting to get excited again.
BunnyBride Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

Posted by dgirl
But that's a great way to explain things!I cannot tell you all how much better I am feeling. I was soooo down about the wedding last night and this morning, and now I am starting to get excited again.



Glad to hear it!

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
ejm1219 Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

If you have done everything 50/50 all along, its really not fair to your FH to go and say - 'now its going to be my way' kinda. Unfortunately, your mother is just going to have to deal. Not that it is hard. I am having a cantor and not a priest but we do not celebrate any catholic holidays besides christmas and even then we do not put up a tree or anything!

donegal419 Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

Inter-faith marriages are always tough because both families are tied to their faith and culture and who wants to give that up??? honestly, as much as people support you, deep down wouldn't your mother have loved if you found a nice 'jewish' boy or your FH found a nice 'catholic' girl??? not that she doesnt' love your FH or isn't happy for you... but this may be why she is upset about the priest. religion is such a personal thing...and for many people it makes them who they are are relgiously, culturally, etc. family tradition is hard to break.

however, i honestly feel that you need to keep both. although FH might be okay with having just a rabbi or a judge, by eliminating the priest you are eliminating who he is as person and what his family believes. maybe his mother would be so upset too if it was just a rabbi.

i like your idea of including both traditions... i think that's important...and deep down having a priest is probably important to your FH as much as having a rabbi is important to you.

good luck....
weddingbunny Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

I'm in the same position as you with the interfaith wedding. We're just having a judge to avoid the whole religion thing altogether.

Would my parents rather I be married by a rabbi in a Jewish ceremony? Yes. Of course. But they'd also rather I be marrying a Jewish guy, and that's not happening either. They know FH is a wonderful guy, and they love him dearly, and they know that he makes me happy. And over the years (we've been together 6 1/2 years) they've learned that they're just going to have to accept our relationship and celebrate it for what it is, not what it isn't.

You're beginning a life together - a life that will involve both of your religions, because your religions are a part of your upbringing, a part of who you are, no matter how religious you are (or aren't). Let the beginning of your married life reflect how the rest of it will go. If you want a relationship that splits everything 50/50 (and I think that's really the way things should be), then that's the kind of wedding you should have, and your families will have to learn to accept that.
dgirl Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

Thanks everyone! You are all so helpful! I am not going to change it, I will just leave it the way it is. You are right, this is the beginning of our lives together and we have to do what's right for us.

Thanks again - I was really losing it there for a minute. If not for LIW I probably would have gotten caught up and changed the whole thing!
Chrissywish Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

I say go with both, as you and your FH has agreed. My FH and I are catholic and luthern and in the process of deciding which church to get married in. He says he can't imagine how his family would feel if he didn't get married in a catholic church, and my mom can't imagine me getting married in a catholic church. So long story short, i told her I respect her opinion, and I am glad she felt she could voice it. However, me and MIkey (FH) have to decide how we will do things as a family and with our children and which church we will be taking our children too. Just because we chose catholic or lutheran doesn't mean we are taking one family's side, it's just what we are doing as this wedding is about us starting our future together. You two have whole heartedly went into everything 50/50 and that is working. Why because your mother can't imagine a preist there to would you give up what you two have worked for. You are not converting to catholic and giving up your roots, so she should be proud that you are both opening your hearts and willing to accept each other's religions. She may not like it, and she may cry at the preist part, but i say do what you and FH have decided upon, as the preist and rabbi are marrying the two of you, not your mother to you too.

sr081906 Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

I am catholic and DH is jewish. We don't plan to convert either.

While we did not want to 'upset' any family members on either side, we decided NOT to have both a priest and a rabbi.

We chose an officiant and asked him to do a TOTALLY NEUTRAL NON RELIGIOUS ceremony. I made sure no words of God or anything would be mentioned.

It worked out great. Noone got offended.
Marisa M Posted:

Re: Any advice helpful, interfaith religion issue...long post

I did not personally go through this - But a very good friend of mine did. She is Catholic, He is Jewish......THEY as a couple are of two different faiths - His family (actually his Dad) gave them SUCH a hard time about everything .....He never once had a problem with his son marrying my friend, but he wanted everything done in the Jewish traditions ......Well, my friend is NOT Jewish and like you, neither of them are particularly religious,......But why should one person have to give up their entire religon for teh other ?? (unless of course someone is converting)
YOU and your FH as a couple are of two different faiths.....Your Mom's beliefs have nothing to do w/ your wedding ceremony. - Above everything else, it is the MOST important part of the day - Compromise with people on your BM dresses, your flowers, your photographer, your menu, but don't force yourself or DH to compromise on your ceremony to please 'outsiders' ......(and when it comes to the ceremony it's about YOU and FH - your Mom is an outsider)

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