Brides Helping Brides ™ - Anyone NOT receiving help from family? (LONG VENT)

Notwedyet08 Posted: Aug 24, 2009 10:16 AM

Anyone NOT receiving help from family? (LONG VENT)

ok-I hope I don't get any flame for this...and sorry that its SO long.

FI & I are pretty much paying for our wedding on our own. These days (as my mother put it) I guess there is no reason for a coupe NOT to pay for their own weddings...we both work full time; we own our own house; we'll be 35 (him) and 28 (me) by the time we get married so we're pretty much financially dependent of our familes.

But i have to be honest and say how surprised I am that our familes are not offering to help at ALL. I can only speak for my own because they're the ones that i've talked to about this. BUt the other night i was discussing wedding plans with my mother and I asked her if she would be willing to host the rehersal dinner...and she pretty much flat out told me no; and named all the reasons above that we're old enough and that i want a wedding like i see on tv. I asked her if she would want to contribute even as small as buying my dress for me; and still not much help on her part. She even made it seem like for my shower; she'll just show up and one of my friends or sister will have to throw everything (i had mentioned having the shower at her house).

I'm just shocked because i'm the youngest child; and when my sister got married she eloped. So this is really the first 'big' (but still small) wedding our family will have in YEARS. Everyone of my cousins have eloped just the bride & groom and have had destination weddings. When we first got engaged we planned on having a wedding at a RH on Long Island; but with our guest list topping 200+ we decided to have a 'US Destination wedding' probably down in South Carolina or Scottsdale and now our guest list is slightly over 50. Much more managable for us to pay on our own.

I know I'm rambling...LOL...just thought that my parents would have some excitment and would be willing to help even just a little. Especially since when FI & I moved in togehter; they gave me such a hard time about us not waiting until we were married; but then now that we're getting married it's like 'ok but you've got to do it all on your own'. Just a little frustrating!

DanielleMF Posted: Aug 24, 2009 10:51 AM

Re: Anyone NOT receiving help from family? (LONG VENT)

I am not having this issue but I am so sorry you are. I can understand parents not being able to pay for weddings these days, because mine cant wither- but someone as small (yet so big) as buying your dress would mean a lot. My parents cant pay for my wedding, but they are going to help us where they can and my mom is going to by my dress. I am really sorry you have to go through this- I know it is the last thing you want to deal with right now. Maybe she will come around when she sees you try on dresses or take her to look at some other vendors?

Notwedyet08 Posted: Aug 24, 2009 11:05 AM

Re: Anyone NOT receiving help from family? (LONG VENT)

Thanks! That's what I'm hoping! I'm not even asking for a lot-guess i just would have thought she would have wanted to be more involved. Maybe like you said as I start to do more she'll have a change of heart.

anszusterman Posted: Aug 24, 2009 11:25 AM

Re: Anyone NOT receiving help from family? (LONG VENT)

I am sorry your family has done this to you! Its so sad your own mother wouldn't want to be a part of at least buying the wedding dress part- I thought all mothers want to do that. I somewhat understand where you are coming from. My parents are paying for the hall- but thats all I am expecting them to help with. As for FHs parents- it depends on the day if they are helping or not. Sometimes they are 'don't worry- we will pay for this' and then 2 days later 'there is no way we are paying for this'. I have had to pretty much budget them NOT helping just to be on the safe side. I think the destination wedding is a great idea and the Carolina's are beautiful! I hope you will be able to enjoy this part of planning even through all this negativity. Your wedding will be wonderful, and maybe a little more special since you guys are paying for it yourselves.

DaniandKen2010 Posted: Aug 24, 2009 11:57 AM

Re: Anyone NOT receiving help from family? (LONG VENT)

2010 interloper.

We are having the same issues. My FH's family has offered to pay for NOTHING! My parents are deceased so FH and I assumed his parents would offer to pay for something, his tux or something, but no they keep telling us not to waste our money and to go to the justice of the peace. NOT HAPPENING!!!

Notwedyet08 Posted: Aug 24, 2009 12:32 PM

Re: Anyone NOT receiving help from family? (LONG VENT)

Posted by nydk21

2010 interloper.

We are having the same issues. My FH's family has offered to pay for NOTHING! My parents are deceased so FH and I assumed his parents would offer to pay for something, his tux or something, but no they keep telling us not to waste our money and to go to the justice of the peace. NOT HAPPENING!!!

OMG I can't believe they're saying for you to go to the Justice of the Peace!

It's just so weird how some families are so different.

I know my parents aren't help much; but i would have thought they would have at least 'we'll help where we can'

vickyp0o1215 Posted: Aug 24, 2009 07:10 PM

Re: Anyone NOT receiving help from family? (LONG VENT)

I know exactly how you feel... fh and i are paying for everything; hall, video, photos, dj, limos, flowers, rings, honeymoon, favors, invites, rehearsal dinner, setting up our apartment and furniture etc!!! Its absurd! I know that Our parents cannot financially afford to pay for it so it doesnt hurt as bad as them just saying NO. But the struggle is still the same. That is why we have to have almost a 3 year engagement.

However I do feel a bit hurt when I see certain ppl going on vacations and spending money on other things bc it kind of reminds me that if they REALLY WANTED TO they could help with even small things.

Maybe when we get closer someone will offer!

tbmaz2011 Posted: Aug 24, 2009 07:33 PM

Re: Anyone NOT receiving help from family? (LONG VENT)

Me and FH are pretty much paying for our whole wedding as well.

There is a lot of drama that goes along with this subject...my first bit of it happened this weekend when FH two 90 something grandmothers were discussing if they would still be alive for our 2011 wedding...then proceeded to ask why such a long engagement.

I was stunned when FH said hun why is the wedding so far away!!! WHAT!!

So I told the old bitties as i like to call them, that weddings are expensive and that we are pretty much paying for it ourselves, but I would be happy to move it up if you want to give me some moolah!!!

I'm sure your family is excited that you are getting married.

Have you tried asking for some financial help from them, maybe they are just waiting for you to ask ???

PhyllisNJoe Posted: Aug 25, 2009 12:09 PM

Re: Anyone NOT receiving help from family? (LONG VENT)

You can look on the bright side of it... At least you don't have anyone forcing their OPINIONS on you. When people pay for things they believe they get to make the final decision. In your case (and in mine) you decide on everything without any added nonsense.

We're having a long engagement (over 2 years) because we are paying for everything ourselves. I don't expect anyone to give us money for anything and truthfully don't want anything either. As it is I have people telling me oh, if you invite this one you HAVE to invite that one. Oh you're having a DJ? Why not a band? You should have a band. You're getting married on a Friday? Wow, that's going to be hard for your guests to get there. Maybe you should do a Saturday. ANNOYING. My answer is always the same. We're paying for it. This is what we're doing. If any of those comments were being made by a 'Contributing' person, then you have to entertain their ideas because well, it's their money.

Uhhhhh Like I said. It's a blessing to do it yourself!

Soon2BMrsDavidson Posted: Aug 25, 2009 10:50 PM

Re: Anyone NOT receiving help from family? (LONG VENT)

FH and I are pretty much paying for everything ourselves. FH's parents are divorced... his mother was/is too concerned with her own wedding to even worry about ours (even though we were engaged first and she pushed hers up so that 'she could get married before us'). FH's dad totally would rather us go to City Hall and has made that perfectly clear.

My parents aren't financially able to help so I completely understand, but my parents are trying to at least be there emotionally. I know my mom will try to contribute whenever she can but no guarantee.

It's really stressful for us since we're trying to buy a house, pay for the wedding, both work 2 jobs, and we're what most would consider on the young side.....

I totally relate... Hopefully she has a change of heart...

Lovely34571 Posted: Aug 27, 2009 10:39 PM

Re: Anyone NOT receiving help from family? (LONG VENT)

Posted by tbmaz2011

Me and FH are pretty much paying for our whole wedding as well.

There is a lot of drama that goes along with this subject...my first bit of it happened this weekend when FH two 90 something grandmothers were discussing if they would still be alive for our 2011 wedding...then proceeded to ask why such a long engagement.

I was stunned when FH said hun why is the wedding so far away!!! WHAT!!

So I told the old bitties as i like to call them, that weddings are expensive and that we are pretty much paying for it ourselves, but I would be happy to move it up if you want to give me some moolah!!!

I'm sure your family is excited that you are getting married.

Have you tried asking for some financial help from them, maybe they are just waiting for you to ask ???

I hear ya... family keeps giving us the side eye.. but before you know it 2011 will be here.. 2009 is almost done...