Are your freaking kidding me!!!!! Vent about inlaws!!!!!

So my parents have paid for the all of the main stuff for the wedding, cater, ballroom etc. FH and I have taken care of the other things like the invites, flowers, dress. All his parents have paid for up until this point has been the rehearsal dinner and a fourth of the transportation costs and a fourth of the cost for the photos. So a total of about $1000 per parent on his side. We asked them to cover the tax and gratuity on the reception (about $2000) b/c we do not have any more money and my parents have already paid for enough. His mom says sure, that she will have her $1000 to us by the end of the week. His dad tells us that he will consider half of it as our gift and we will have to pay him back the other $500!!!!!

I told FH that it's absurd!!! You don't see my parents asking us for $15,000 do you?!! Jesus, you would think he is hurting for money but he's not. They live in this huge house and go on vacation and have 4 cars and we can barely buy groceries b/c we are saving every dime for this wedding. AND his reasoning is that he has already paid for his daughters wedding and she's been married three times (how is this our fault), it is the responsibilities of the brides parents to pay for this one. So basically my parents are sh$t out of luck since they were dealt the crappy hand in genetics and had two girls right?

ughhhhH!!!!!! I am sooooo mad right now I could just cry!!!!!

That is so horrible :( Maybe they are planning on giving you like $5K as your wedding gift???

I think there's some issue w/the groom's folks in general (I'm sure all the brides are gonna go off on me now)... but some groom's folks feel they are not responsible to pay for a single thing...
I swear, my FMIL made a comment to me once saying, 'Oh no, I had boys, I'm not paying for a thing'.... but she's going to help us regardless of that comment.

FH's parents refuse to pay for anything except the rehearsal dinner because they feel that it's not their responsibility. They don't have a lot of money, but this isn't 1950 -- if he was a girl they would pay?

As you can see I am bitter about this because my wonderful parents are paying for our wedding out of love, not obligation. I feel really guilty about it but they want to.

We are paying for our honeymoon.

That ***** that his sister got married 3x (!!!!) and his parents still paid for the others.

I think you are lucky that FH's parents are contributing anything period. Neither parent 'has to' contribute anything and many don't.

I know we are totally lucky that the parents want to help but I think it's crap that he has this kind of attitiude. It would be the equivilant of my parents asking for the $15,000 that they have paid into the wedding so far. My parents don't have allot of money either but they are doing it b/c they love us and they want us to have a nice day. We are not going over the top with anything either and we have been cutting corners on EVERYTHING to save EVERYONE money.

AND This is the best part.....I just spoke to FH mother (we get allong good) and she said that his dad only paid $1000 towards his sister's weddng that FMIL had to take out a home equity loan for the $$ to pay for it all b/c his sister didn't contribute ANYTHING to her own wedding.

I feel sooo soo so bad for his mom. I felt bad just asking her for the money anyway but now especially. I told FH that his dad is greedy with his money and that is why he has so much of it.

---

Posted by cherandgeo

It would be the equivilant of my parents asking for the $15,000 that they have paid into the wedding so far. My parents don't have allot of money either but they are doing it b/c they love us and they want us to have a nice day.

---

So he doesn't love you as much as your parents do because he's not contributing as much? Or b/c he's willing to contribute half and loan you the rest?

No one is obligated to give you anything for the wedding. It's extremely generous that your parents are contributing so much and very generous of your FILs to contribute anything at all. I don't see what is so outrageous about this -- He IS still contributing something which is more than MANY parents of the groom are willing to do - and he's wililng to lend you the rest of the money you don't have right now.

Honestly... I understand why you're upset, but you cannot expect people to be as generous as you want them to be. Not everying is able or willing to be that generous. I'd be very grateful that they are paying anything at all -- and I wouldn't expect them to contribute just b/c you asked and just b/c your parents are contributing more.

Just take a step back for a minute and try to realize that his ability or inability (or willingness or lack of willingness) to contribute financially to the wedding is not an indication of his love for you... It's not his financial obligation to help you pay for your wedding -- you honestly should just be grateful he is doing what he is and leave it at that. (Of course you're entitled to FEEL upset about it, but try not to let it taint your relationship with your FFIL and your FH or let it put a damper on your wedding planning!) As upset as you may feel right now, you're not entitled to money from your FILs, so try not to let it create any unnecessary drama. I think they're being pretty generous contributing anything, so just try to put that face on when you're with them.

Good luck. Don't let $500 get you down. In the grand scheme of things, this is not worth making a huge stink over.

ETA - planning your wedding will show you the good, the bad, the generous, the cheap, and lots of other things about people... Try not to let it all get to you or you will wind up driving yourself crazy. In the grand scheme of things, it's not worth creating IL drama now... It will only make things more stressful. So vent away here, but try to let it go in the real world, as hard as it may be.

Trust me, I just had major IL meltdown and wish I HADN'T complained about it as much as I did... not good!!!

---

Posted by Kara and Todd

---

Posted by cherandgeo

It would be the equivilant of my parents asking for the $15,000 that they have paid into the wedding so far. My parents don't have allot of money either but they are doing it b/c they love us and they want us to have a nice day.

---

No one is obligated to give you anything for the wedding. It's extremely generous that your parents are contributing so much and very generous of your FILs to contribute anything at all. I don't see what is so outrageous about this -- He IS still contributing something which is more than MANY parents of the groom are willing to do - and he's wililng to lend you the rest of the money you don't have right now.

Honestly... I understand why you're upset, but you cannot expect people to be as generous as you want them to be. Not everying is able or willing to be that generous. I'd be very grateful that they are paying anything at all -- and I wouldn't expect them to contribute just b/c you asked and just b/c your parents are contributing more.

Just take a step back for a minute and try to realize that his ability or inability (or willingness or lack of willingness) to contribute financially to the wedding is not an indication of his love for you... It's not his financial obligation to help you pay for your wedding -- you honestly should just be grateful he is doing what he is and leave it at that. (Of course you're entitled to FEEL upset about it, but try not to let it taint your relationship with your FFIL and your FH or let it put a damper on your wedding planning!) As upset as you may feel right now, you're not entitled to money from your FILs, so try not to let it create any unnecessary drama. I think they're being pretty generous contributing anything, so just try to put that face on when you're with them.

Good luck. Don't let $500 get you down. In the grand scheme of things, this is not worth making a huge stink over.

ETA - planning your wedding will show you the good, the bad, the generous, the cheap, and lots of other things about people... Try not to let it all get to you or you will wind up driving yourself crazy. In the grand scheme of things, it's not worth creating IL drama now... It will only make things more stressful. So vent away here, but try to let it go in the real world, as hard as it may be.

Trust me, I just had major IL meltdown and wish I HADN'T complained about it as much as I did... not good!!!

---

I agree....I do TOTALLY and COMEPLETELY feel where you are coming from...DH & i (FH at the time) delt with the same issues...and we paid for the entire wedding pretty much ourselves. My mother who is a single mom with barely any money gave us what she could and made sure to help us when we really needed it...now DH's mother is in the same boat(but with a great job mind u) but wouldn't even pay for our STAMPS for our invites??? She would only give us half...and that is just an example of a whole slew of things that went on. I know that it's frustrating because (if u're like us) we had a WHOLE YEAR of being engaged that FMIL could've saved a little to contribute...but they are also the grooms parents and really aren't obligated to give you anything. You should flip your mindset to avoid having resentful feelings and just be thankful for what they've given you at all. Try to remember that they do love you guys and when all is said and done you will have a beautiful wedding and all the stress will be over. Again I do understand somewhat where u are coming from - but u just have to take a deep breath and remember that someones finances is their personal buisiness and theirs only. As hard as it may be, remind urself that it could always be worse(they could've not paid for anything at all), be grateful & Try not to let it get you down. The bottom line is, people are either going to give you what they CAN give, or what they WANT to give...and you can't judge them for it.

I understand what you guys are saying but the thing is, is that he is not hurting for money.

We didn't want the big wedding, we wanted a smaller affair for us but it was going to be destination. His parents made a huge stink out of them having to travel and it not being 'traditional'. So we changed it and they said that they were going to help us out if we needed it. We did not think we would need their help but in the end yes we did because 'traditional' comes with a price. So they have already offered, we took them up on it and now he is saying that he expects us to pay him back. He makes twice as much as what my family makes and is VERY greedy with his money. his stepson gets anything he wants b/c his wife has her hands on the checkbook all the time, that is why we have such a problem with it. If FH's stepbrother were in the same situation there would be no question as to whether he would have to pay the money back or not.

---

Posted by cherandgeo

I understand what you guys are saying but the thing is, is that he is not hurting for money.

---

That doesn't change my opinion at all. I'm sorry.

First, you're not in a position to TRULY know his finances. Many people appear to have much more money than they really do. (Those extravagant expenses add up!) Second, even if he does have the money, he's not obligated to spend it on your wedding day. I DO understand that it hurts that he isn't being more generous, but the fact is that he doesn't have to be. You're not entitled to his money - it's HIS money.

I'm sure I don't have close to the amount of money some people here do, but we do okay. Just b/c we may be financially secure does not mean we are obligated in any way to share our money with ANYONE else. We are generous when we can and when we want to be, but we don't feel that we should be obligated to give our friends super expensive gifts or anything just because we could afford to. It's our money and WE will be the ones who choose what to do with it. One of the reasons we have money in the bank is because we're careful what we spend it on. Even if we weren't, it's still OUR money to do with what we please. It's the same with the people who complain about BMs not wanting to contribute $700 to a bach party out of state when they just bought 6 new coach bags. It's their money to spend however they see fit.

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS MONEY DOESN'T MEAN THEY HAVE TO SPEND IT ON YOU! Sorry to shout, but this is the cold reality of the real world. Please don't let something like this ruin your relationship with your ILs or even taint the wedding planning process. Just know it's not money you're entitled to, and while it would be great if he felt the need to bankroll your wedding, he doesn't HAVE to -- and his failure to do so doesn't mean he cares about you any less.

It's HIS money to be greedy with. Again, just b/c someone has money doesn't mean they have to spend it on you.

Yes, I FULLY understand how and why you are upset about this... but unfortunately, that's just the way it goes. This whole thing will go much more smoothly if you just accept what they give you, be as grateful as possible, and move on with the wedding planning. Vent here when you need to, but try not to vent to your FH / FILs aboutt this stuff. As someone who has the most conniving SILs on the planet, I beg you not to start drama in your soon-to-be new family at the wedding planning process. It won't make for a nice few years.

I am not going to argue about this b/c I have been dealing with this enough today IRL but I think you are not reading my posts thoroughly.

I stated that his family already offered to give us the money (not loan us, but give us) when we were planning b/c they wanted us to do traditional and change our plans. Since they offered it is because of these traditional plans that they insisted on having it's really sh*tty for them to go back on their words and then expect us to pay them back.

I am not trying to sway your opinion but it seems that you feel the need to drive home the fact that you think I am being a spoiled and ungrateful, which is not the case.

And, I might add, if you are so against telling people how to spend their money why is it such an issue that someone gave you a gift that was not up to par. Perhaps that guest couldn't afford to give you a gift so she gave you a cook book of her own. you shouldn't EXPECT gifts at your wedding, you should be grateful when someone gives you one. and if the gift that you receive is not as much as what you planned or enough to cover your plate then, Oh well, it's not your money to spend. Please don't throw stones, it's not polite.

As usual, things get taken to the extreme on message boards and people feel the need to crucify others when they are just trying to vent. But..what can you do.

You said:

---

We asked them to cover the tax and gratuity on the reception (about $2000) b/c we do not have any more money and my parents have already paid for enough. His mom says sure, that she will have her $1000 to us by the end of the week. His dad tells us that he will consider half of it as our gift and we will have to pay him back the other $500!!!!!

---

Sorry I didn't see where he said he'd give it to you and then went back on his word...

I'm honestly sorry if I read it wrong... but I didn't see that in there.

---

Posted by cherandgeo

his stepson gets anything he wants b/c his wife has her hands on the checkbook all the time, that is why we have such a problem with it. If FH's stepbrother were in the same situation there would be no question as to whether he would have to pay the money back or not.

---

The luck of the draw you picked the wrong brother. All joking aside don't you think getting upset over this is ridiculous because 1. you don't know for a fact if this is true and 2. well his wife probably has her hands all over THEIR checkbook because she is his wife after all.

There are not any guarantees in life and nobody owes you anything. You should just be glad with what gift they did give you. I'm sure if $500 is a problem you could cut costs on something and save it up.

---

Posted by Kara and Todd

I still fail to see where I crucified you.

---

The entire post driving home the fact that you think I am being rediculous. I just needed to vent. I guess I should have had a disclaimer at the bottom of the email stating that opinions were not needed in this post, it was just to let off steam.

Ah, I didn't realize it was you posting this when I first read it. It suckss if his dad led you to believe he'd be giving you the money, especially if you relied on it. Hopefully you can work something out.

However, I stand by my statement that you are very lucky his parents are contributing *anything.* I was told quite adamently that 'in the midwest this is how it's done' (with respect to groom's family not contributing a dime with the exception of rehearsal dinner).

FM me if you'd like to talk more.

---

Posted by bluegreen08

Ah, I didn't realize it was you posting this when I first read it. It ***** that his dad went back on his word, especially if you relied on it. Hopefully you can work something out.

However, I stand by my statement that you are very lucky his parents are contributing *anything.* I was told quite adamently that 'in the midwest this is how it's done' (with respect to groom's family not contributing a dime with the exception of rehearsal dinner).

FM me if you'd like to talk more.

---

I know, the midwest is a little behind the times and I could understand if it were his family that was from the midwest but it's mine, his dad lives up here and knows how it's done.

you will have FM in a minute.

How could they ask you to pay them bacK!???? Thats ridiculous!!!!! I wouldnt pay anything back!!! screw eM!

---

Posted by Kara and Todd

---

Posted by cherandgeo

I understand what you guys are saying but the thing is, is that he is not hurting for money.

---

That doesn't change my opinion at all. I'm sorry.

First, you're not in a position to TRULY know his finances. Many people appear to have much more money than they really do. (Those extravagant expenses add up!) Second, even if he does have the money, he's not obligated to spend it on your wedding day. I DO understand that it hurts that he isn't being more generous, but the fact is that he doesn't have to be. You're not entitled to his money - it's HIS money.

I'm sure I don't have close to the amount of money some people here do, but we do okay. Just b/c we may be financially secure does not mean we are obligated in any way to share our money with ANYONE else. We are generous when we can and when we want to be, but we don't feel that we should be obligated to give our friends super expensive gifts or anything just because we could afford to. It's our money and WE will be the ones who choose what to do with it. One of the reasons we have money in the bank is because we're careful what we spend it on. Even if we weren't, it's still OUR money to do with what we please. It's the same with the people who complain about BMs not wanting to contribute $700 to a bach party out of state when they just bought 6 new coach bags. It's their money to spend however they see fit.

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS MONEY DOESN'T MEAN THEY HAVE TO SPEND IT ON YOU! Sorry to shout, but this is the cold reality of the real world. Please don't let something like this ruin your relationship with your ILs or even taint the wedding planning process. Just know it's not money you're entitled to, and while it would be great if he felt the need to bankroll your wedding, he doesn't HAVE to -- and his failure to do so doesn't mean he cares about you any less.

It's HIS money to be greedy with. Again, just b/c someone has money doesn't mean they have to spend it on you.

Yes, I FULLY understand how and why you are upset about this... but unfortunately, that's just the way it goes. This whole thing will go much more smoothly if you just accept what they give you, be as grateful as possible, and move on with the wedding planning. Vent here when you need to, but try not to vent to your FH / FILs aboutt this stuff. As someone who has the most conniving SILs on the planet, I beg you not to start drama in your soon-to-be new family at the wedding planning process. It won't make for a nice few years.

---

The bottom line is, people will give you either what they CAN give, or what they WANT to give...and you can't judge them for it.

ps: i think i speak for all of us when I say nobody is meaning to crucify you...of course you're venting! We're only stating our opinions the same as if we'd state them about any other topic...I hope all of this works out for you..try not to be to bummed out about it If it makes u feel any better - my dead beat father told us he was giving us 25K to put towards our wedding...so we booked our dream place only to find months later that there was no money coming. talk about trying to budget & pinch pennies! we are all here for u girl - whether we agree with something specific or not, we're all here to listen!