ASK THE EXPERTS

'My partner's extra pounds are a turnoff. What should I do?'


Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we love each other. The problem is, in the past six months, he's put on a lot of weight because his job has been so stressful. I sympathize, but frankly, I just don't find him as attractive or sexy as I used to. I try not to show it, but I'm not interested in sex, and that's hurting our relationship. Am I being shallow — or do a lot of women feel this way and not talk about it?





A. Our culture stresses appearance so intensely that it would be amazing if men were the only ones who sometimes judge potential — or current — lovers by their looks. Used to be that the media merely bombarded us with images of sexy female models or celebs; now, beefcake is all the rage, from TV and movie heroes who don't go five minutes without taking off their shirts to teenage boys who work out endlessly — or pop steroids — to get 'six-pack' abs.

In other words, my guess is that many women feel men have to be buff to be attractive, but it's more important to figure out how key your boyfriend's appearance is to you. You may worry that your concern about his weight is superficial, especially if you two are great companions otherwise, sharing similar values, hobbies, friends and goals. But superficial issues have wrecked relationships before, and the fact is that even if you would like to love him for his soul alone — you don't.

I believe you need to let him know your real feelings, as tough and uncomfortable as the conversation may be. That way, he'll at least have a chance to please you or, alternately, to tell you that it's just too bad if you don't love him as he is. What you say may hurt him or cause him to leave, but at least he'll know the truth and be able to make a decision.

If he doesn't opt to drop some pounds, and you can't accept him at his current weight, it may be tough for you to commit to this person for the rest of your life. If you are only minimally attracted to him now, imagine how you might feel in 10 years. You don't want to set yourself — or him — up for disappointment.

On the other hand, if you level with him gently, perhaps pointing out that you would love to be able to do certain activities together — say, hiking or other sports that require him to be relatively fit — he may react positively, particularly if you approach the problem as something you can work on as a team. Maybe you can schedule twice-weekly dates to work out at a gym together, or commit to preparing low-fat meals during the week. If you can work on this as a couple, not only will your boyfriend lose pounds, but you will regain the man you first fell in love with — along with a renewed sense of loyalty to the relationship.

Re: ASK THE EXPERTS

bump

Re: ASK THE EXPERTS

I dont get it

Re: ASK THE EXPERTS

What don't you get Wacky, the young lady has a question abour her o/w lover