Asking a Bridesmaid to step down...***UPDATE***

ok... long story short... There's a BM that already paid for her dress.. The dresses has not come in as yet.. but some things happened the night of my shower on Saturday (after the shower ended) that I can not get over... how do I do this??

1- Ask her to step down and reimburse her for the dress, and I get stuck w/ the dress or -

2- Ask her to step down and tell her when the dress comes in I'll ship it to her?

TIA

***UPDATE***

Ok the EX-BM called me on Tuesday, saying that she was upset about Saturday night?!!! That there was sooo much negativity and what not.. so this was my opportunity to tell her how I felt about saturday night. I basically told her that it was HER who brought the drama and negativity that night... and I can take the risk of this happening th night of the Bach. Party and the night before the wedding and especially the day of the wedding. I went on to tell her that she embarassed me and I don't want to feel that I have baby sit everything that she says or does for the upcoming events She then went on to say that, that if this is how I feel then maybe she shouldn't be apart of the bridal party being that I can't trust her. Also, she will not be attending the wedding as a guest either (although I was still going to invite her to the wedding). She also said that when I can I should reimburse her for the dress asap... so I basically said will do.. I will send a check by Monday. it seems to me that this ex-bm is more mad than I am?? when it should be the other way around.

Seriously, I will definitely reevaluate my 'Friends' after this wedding is over. I'm so sick of people being fake. Claiming that they're happy and excited for you and then their true colors/feelings come out. The people who tell me that they're happy for me when deep down they're faking the funk... newsflash... I KNOW YOUR FAKING IT! so don't play me... I'm not dumb (ok maybe I am). Don't they know that I can see right through them???

it sounds pretty serious and also like u don't want to be friends with her anymore either. so if that is the case, i would just call her and tell her after everything that happened at my shower, i think its better ur not in bridal party.
can i ask what she did?

ETA: depending on what she did i'm not sure if i would ship her the dress or pay for it. if it was really horrible i would just ship the dress to her, if it was something u can get over then i would pay her for the dress.

I'd tell her you are willing to refund the cost of the dress and keep it unless she (for whatever reason) wants to pay for it and keep it herself.

I'm sorry something this bad happened.

to answer everyone's question...

After the shower ended most of us went to my cousin's (aka my MOH) house.. to have a few cocktails and shoot the $hit... it was 6 girls... we were waiting for the time to go by b/c we were going to go to a club nearby.. but it was too early...

She said some really nasty things about the people there... very negative and harsh... Saying things like 'girls who talk about their sex life are ho's' and and she said that doesn't appreciate the fact that just b/c other girls around her are getting married... means that she has to get married??? nobody is pressing you??!!!! she also, pushed my cousin to the floor purposely!

she was speaking down to a lot of the girls there.. making them feel uncomfortable... and there were so many other severe things she was saying that night... it's just too much to type right now... I don't need the stress nor the tension... couldn't they understand that for night I could've done w/out the drama?? what's gonna happen on the night of the Bach. Party, the night before the wedding and the day of the wedding?? I can't have that type of negative energy around me that day? please, keep in mind that this is not the first time that she has acted this way.. this is all the time! she also, knocked her drink over purposely so that it can spill all over my MOH's best friend (who helped my MOH plan my entire bridal shower).. And I saw this with my own eyes!

I might just ask her to step down and eat the bill for the dress... I don't think that I could've asked to back out and keep her money but give her the dress...

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Posted by 2Be1

Wow was it THAT bad that you can’t reconcile? I mean the girl already paid for her dress which I am sure is not refundable. It is one thing to ask a BM to step down before the ball starts rolling and another to ask them one month before the wedding. To tell you the truth I would be pretty pissed off if I was her. If you have to nix her then I would give her the full refund for her dress and accessories and just eat the cost.

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hell yeah it's that bad.. and it'll be HER bad if she's pissed... she should've behaved herself.

My opinion is that you should pay her back for the dress if you're 'firing' her as a bridesmaid. It's pretty lousy to fire her AND stick her with a dress that she probably will never want to wear--no matter how nice it is, would you want to wear a BM dress from a wedding you got fired from? If you're going to do this, be prepared to lose this girl as a friend forever. Is she good friends with any of your other BMs? Because this may end up losing you more of them if they take her side. This may blow up into an even bigger mess. Or not.

It's true, none of us need this sort of stress! Good luck.

If you ask her to step down, then my opinion is that you should reimburse her for the dress. Even though her actions have been crappy, she agreed to be a part of your wedding and is still willing to do so (I assume). If she stepped down then it would be her responsibility.

Good luck!

I would just ask her to step down and not mention the dress at all.

If she asks to be compensated, then pay for it.

I mean if she was a BM, she must have been a good friend. I don't think the $100-200 or whatever deposit on a dress is material at this point.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It seems like she has some sort of relationship issues that are coming to surface and she's taking out on everyone else. I understand why you are making this decision. Good Luck!

Honestly, my first reaction would have been to reimburse her. However, after reading what she actually did, I would just ask her to step down indicating what your reasons are and NOT say anything about the dress. However, if she does say anything about being compensated, I would probably say no. She deserves being asked to step down. The price she's paid for the dress that she won't get to wear might be what she needs to become a better person.

JMHO - a bit harsh perhaps in others' eyes, but you've indicated that you've only expressed part of what she's done and that it is NOT the first time.

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Posted by Pencils

My opinion is that you should pay her back for the dress if you're 'firing' her as a bridesmaid. It's pretty lousy to fire her AND stick her with a dress that she probably will never want to wear--no matter how nice it is, would you want to wear a BM dress from a wedding you got fired from? If you're going to do this, be prepared to lose this girl as a friend forever. Is she good friends with any of your other BMs? Because this may end up losing you more of them if they take her side. This may blow up into an even bigger mess. Or not.

It's true, none of us need this sort of stress! Good luck.

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I'll def. give her back money.. and put the dress on ebay.. if she wants to end the friendship then that's on her.. as i was willing to still have attend the wedding with her boyfriend as a guest...

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Posted by happygirl07

Honestly, my first reaction would have been to reimburse her. However, after reading what she actually did, I would just ask her to step down indicating what your reasons are and NOT say anything about the dress. However, if she does say anything about being compensated, I would probably say no. She deserves being asked to step down. The price she's paid for the dress that she won't get to wear might be what she needs to become a better person.

JMHO - a bit harsh perhaps in others' eyes, but you've indicated that you've only expressed part of what she's done and that it is NOT the first time.

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hey twin date!
trust me I made her like an Angel with what I typed.. it was a lot worse saturday night.. you had to be there to hear and see what was going on.. she totally disrepected my family and friends... which was not called for...

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Posted by cookieling

Wow... all of these responses are really nice.
Let me first say that I am sorry you have to deal with this issue to begin with.

My first reaction was to not reimburse her at all. You asked her to be a bridesmaid to help make your wedding experience be special. But it sounds like she only caused aggrevation and emotional distress. I don't think you owe her anything. If you ask her to step down, are you still planning on salvaging the friendship? If so, then I would offer to pay half the cost. Keep in mind, she is still getting a dress out of this.

I sound bitter, but a wedding is really expensive. Why should a bride pay for someone else's lack of character?

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if she wanted to end the friendship that'll be on her... b/c I was still intended to invite her and her boyfriend to the wedding as guests... but if she doesn't want that then... tough!

HAD THE SAME EXACT THING HAPPEN TO ME!

long story short, i gave her the option to step down and told her it was fine with me if she did. i just gave her a check to cover the cost of the dress and then returned the dress for a store credit. i used the credit for stuff for my other BM's who were actually helpful and supportive of my wedding plans! i'm not bitter...

ETA: i invited her to the wedding because i wanted to show i'm the bigger person...but surprise surprise she didnt come. oh well, her loss!

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Posted by alnem

HAD THE SAME EXACT THING HAPPEN TO ME!

long story short, i gave her the option to step down and told her it was fine with me if she did. i just gave her a check to cover the cost of the dress and then returned the dress for a store credit. i used the credit for stuff for my other BM's who were actually helpful and supportive of my wedding plans! i'm not bitter...

ETA: i invited her to the wedding because i wanted to show i'm the bigger person...but surprise surprise she didnt come. oh well, her loss!

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your kidding! what is up with these people???
at least you were the bigger person in the end!

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Posted by alnem

HAD THE SAME EXACT THING HAPPEN TO ME!

long story short, i gave her the option to step down and told her it was fine with me if she did. i just gave her a check to cover the cost of the dress and then returned the dress for a store credit. i used the credit for stuff for my other BM's who were actually helpful and supportive of my wedding plans! i'm not bitter...

ETA: i invited her to the wedding because i wanted to show i'm the bigger person...but surprise surprise she didnt come. oh well, her loss!

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I experienced something like that with my MOH..

Long story short I asked her to step down and become a BM because I felt she could not handle the pressure as MOH, she declined so she is not in the wedding and her son was supposed to be my RB, but now she is not in the wedding, he is also out. I know I made the best decision because I have no worries with my new MOH, she has taken control, just the way I like it.

I would suggest you do what is in your heart, but I think you really should reimburse her for the dress if you ask her to step down. It is the right thing to do.