Okay, I really hope this doesn't come off as Bridezilla-ish... but this is a serious concern of mine.
FH is from PA and went to college up in Rochester. Most of the guests from his side of the family and more than half of his friends are from OOT and/or have never been to a NY wedding before.
We were invited to one of his college acquaintance's weddings and they had a wedding web site. (They are getting married the week before us) The web site said attire for the wedding was 'business casual.' (And if they had to put that, then were they expecting people to come dressed even less formally?!)
I understand things are different in other areas of the country, but this did spark a concern for me about our wedding. We're having a pretty formal Saturday night wedding. We don't want it to be black tie or even black tie optional, but we expect semi-formal attire (suits and ties for guys!). I'm pretty sure everyone from NY / Long Island knows the drill, but I'm worried about the rest of them.
I'm guessing the best way to spread the word is by word of mouth, right? I have NO plans for putting anything related to attire in the wedding invites (tacky since it's not black tie or black tie optional)... How do we say it nicely without offending them by making it seem like we're expecting not to come dressed properly?
I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I don't want half of our guests showing up in polo shirts either... It's NOT anything at all against more casual weddings - I've been to many... but ours isn't casual (and to be honest, the under-dressed guests would feel uncomfortable if they weren't dressed appropriately....)
We're also worried about FH's family from out of town... Would it be totally rude to ask his mom for some guidance on this (as to whether she thinks they'll come dressed appropriately??)
Also, if I'm being totally ridiculous or rude by even thinking of bringing up attire, let me know. I'm not trying to be bridezilla at all -- but I really want a certain atmosphere at our wedding -- and I do think under-dressed guests would be very uncomfortable for not knowing.
If it's rude to bring it up, then I totally won't, though!
CrisiDrue
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
I think it's fine, like you said, as long as it's in a 'tactful' way. I definitely agree on not putting it on the invite b/c it's not black-tie, but I would have his mother help mention it to family members & friends that are invited to the wedding. I'm kinda in the same predicament, & my family is letting all the OOT guests know what to wear. HTH
Kara and Todd
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
Thanks.
We know it's not our place to tell his older family members (uless of course they ask)... but we weren't sure if people would get offended if we brought it up.
I think it's easier to tell our friends... FH is good at saying things in a way that wouldn't sound at all offensive or anything...
I'm sure (like usual) I'm worrying for nothing!
tbone66
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
You can always put 'black tie optional' on the invitation. That will clue them in that it is a more formal event.
Kara and Todd
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
We thought of that, but we don't actually want anyone coming in black tie attire. The only people we want in tuxes are the wedding party and the fathers.
Plus, our invites are already being printed!
stealthgroom
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
Posted by Kara and Todd
If it's rude to bring it up, then I totally won't, though!
Remember, you're 'not crazy'. I made it so.
This is an interesting question- I hadn't heard of this being a problem before. In fact, I figured that mentioning it's 'business casual' would be a couple's way of telling people to be less dressy, not more. What does FH think? Does he have any suspicions that folks won't show up properly dressed?
uncqt02
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
I have the same problem! FH's family is from California and they are always very casual. His mother was even surprised when I told her that my mother was wearing a gown to the wedding. She had the nerve to say she thought she would wear pants I didn't put anything about attire on the invites but now I wish I had. I just think that now if the Cali people don't dress up they'll just look out of place and I'll crop them out of pictures
MattandTricia07
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
I would definitely start mentioning things to friends and family about the attire. My sister had a ton of OOT guests at her wedding and a big concern for her was letting everyone know that the CH wasn't the reception...not to make you more nervous, but you are perfectly normal and not a bridezilla for thinking about this.
Good luck!
cookiemonster
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
I feel like 'black tie optional' conveys the semi-formal kind of dress you want at the wedding. if you do that, i think most people would come in suits and ties and dresses but would know it's not necessary to wear a tux or a floor-length gown.
Kara and Todd
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
As I said above, putting black tie optional on the invites isn't an option.
Our invites are already printed and we don't want anyone to come in a tux, even if it were just one or two people. We only want the BP and the fathers in tuxes so they stand out.
dancerandchef
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
I understand what you are saying. I would mention Semi-Formal. It's a NY/LI wedding. I hope that I helped you out.
~dancer~
ali120206
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
Maybe they put business casual because they didn't want people to get too dressed up (ie: guys wearing ties?)
I had a lot of OOT guests and they dressed formally for our wedding, and have dressed formally for all of the weddings we've gone to OOT.
I have seen though people show up in jeans and whatnot at OOT weddings, if you are worried, just say something, or maybe make a little insert to put in the invitations of those you think might be an issue. I've seen someone put semi-formal as the attire on a wedding website (it would alleviate your concerns and give you one less thing to worry about, you're going to have enough to think about that day!)
Aug07OFCbride
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
I dont think you really need to be too concerned about this. Personally, I am wanting a more casual affair and I included on my wedding website something like..that we want the wedding will be a simple, elegant and COMFORTABLE affair. Too be honest, I don't care what they wear as long as theyre not comin in in something as casual as jeans or something silly, but really...who would do that? when ppl know its a wedding, they dont show up in jeans and a tshirt!! and just bc theyre not from NY, doesnt mean this will happen! if you want, id suggest that you include your wishes for attire in a subtle way on a wedding website, that you share with guests. No biggie!! JMO!
portjeffbride
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
why not discretely do the word of mouth thing, and in addition, in shower cards direct friends to your wedding webpage (possibly for registry info) and have attire clearly labeled semi-formal for your wedding...
MeNBobs
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
I think the best way to handle this is word of mouth. I had the same concerns for my wedding since DH is from Ireland. I have been to a few weddings in Ireland and found that the men were very casual. What I did was send his mom pics of weddings I had been to in the past so she could see the look of a LI wedding. Based on the photos and descriptions of what other guests would be wearing she passed the message along within his family. I think as long as his family are dressed up it will be fine. He could casually mention to his OOT friends about wearing a dark suit and the message will get passed on from there.
robinandjoe
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
Here's an idea... friends of ours are getting married outdoors at a winery, and they wanted to make sure that people didn't come overly dressed. So they made a wedding website and right on there wrote 'garden attire' and suggested wedges or flats for the ladies (bc of grass). Could you make a website (the knot or even on here) and put in a little insert with your invites (you could put it only in select ones) that tell them to check out the website for wedding info, directions, things to do in town, etc. and then you can state it in there. 'Our wedding will be semi-formal, so bust out your suit or dress, and strap on those dancing shoes for a night to remember!' Then you can also include hotel info, directions, things to do around town, etc. HTH I actually might now do this myself, lol!!!
alison1daland
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
Maybe instead of putting it on your invites (since you can't now) you should put it on your wedding website, and do some light 'word of mouth'...
Kara and Todd
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
Posted by robinandjoe
Here's an idea... friends of ours are getting married outdoors at a winery, and they wanted to make sure that people didn't come overly dressed. So they made a wedding website and right on there wrote 'garden attire' and suggested wedges or flats for the ladies (bc of grass). Could you make a website (the knot or even on here) and put in a little insert with your invites (you could put it only in select ones) that tell them to check out the website for wedding info, directions, things to do in town, etc. and then you can state it in there. 'Our wedding will be semi-formal, so bust out your suit or dress, and strap on those dancing shoes for a night to remember!' Then you can also include hotel info, directions, things to do around town, etc. HTH I actually might now do this myself, lol!!!
That's a great idea. I didn't originally want to do a wedding web site, but maybe it's a good idea. We may have to make a little wedding web site and mention it that way...
Thanks!
MsKitty1274
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
From my personal experience, no matter what you say, they may do whatever they want. I had a lot of OOT family that came in from Iowa, Arizona and Illinois. My cousin wore khakis and a collared polo shirt, my aunt wore a sleeveless white blouse and black slacks and my other cousin wore a plain black teeshirt (no design) and black jeans. Needless to say they were the LEAST dressed up people at the whole affair. But you know what, it was no relefection on me or DH.
DH and I had a good laugh about it. Ultimately, those who don't know better or choose to dress down it reflects on them, and they look foolish, especially if another family member nicely said something to them.
Similar thing with my MIL, she REFUSED to let ANYONE (even me and DH) see her dress before the wedding. But would only say her boobs would be popping out of the dress. I did care and got upset, but then everyone reminded me it was not a reflection on me, but on her. She looked like th a$$. PS, the color of her dress SO clashed with my 'scheme'. My girls wore aqua, my mom wore ivory (which I was cool with) and MIL's dress was mustard! Ew.
KickinDandelions
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Re: attire question - for those with many OOT guests
i'd spread it through word of mouth...it's a more informal way of letting people know and opens up the conversation for them to ask questions about what they should wear..
i'm in a semi-similar situation..some of our guests do not own suits and button down shirts...some of them may come in jeans because they simply cannot afford to spend money on clothes...i never thought about it until FH pointed it out to me...and he felt really bad when he mentioned it..but i told him i didn't care...the point is they're there...i know if they weren't at the wedding i'd definitely feel that something was missing...
