Bad times, FH a commitment phobe!
It took 3 years but I'm realizing FH is commitment phobic. Here's the brief version - but it's still long.
We met almost 3 years ago. He was legally separated and the separation agreement would mature in 2005. Well, in that time we fell in love despite the fact I never wanted a step child, I overcame that b/c my love was so strong and my friends and family really liked him and supported me so much. The child and I love eachother very much and he's so looking forward to us getting married and him getting half sibblings. He gave me a beautiful diamond ring withing 6 months of us being together and we bought a house shortly after that. I had a cat from before him and she came along and between the 2 of us we adopted 3 more cats. So we've had a little family of sorts. We had a fight about 6 months after the initial engagement and I threw the ring at him, this hurt him and we put all bets on hold. Last 4th of July he gave me my ring back. Since then I've made a few attempts to 'plan' a wedding. He's still waiting for the actual piece of paper as far as I know - but both parties signed for the divorce after all (she gave a lot of threats that she wouldn't sign for a long time).
Anyway, the first time I tried to talk wedding, FH came to me and said 'I'm so excited, I feel like I'm getting married for the first time'. I was so elated! About 2 weeks later we decided to get some ideas and went to the Vineyard Caterers to check out their wedding info. My p's live in Suffolk so we took them along. When we went back to their house afterward, FH had a horrible nose bleed! I mean gushing! He continued to get them over the next several days. Then he told me that due to his job loss at the time, it was too much stress to think about a wedding when we're struggling with the mortgage and other expenses.
January 2005 he got a job (I lost mine however) and signed off on the final divorce papers... I started dabbling in wedding ideas again. We had a fight about it - I threatened to leave for my p's house and he suggested I stay with a friend (would have been MOH). My friend was pregnant at the time and they can't host me there. I returned home that night and FH was crying that he didn't want to be without me. I said 'fine, you said in the beginning that in March you'd be divorced, April 1st either s**t or get off the pot. He giggled and agreed.
As 4/1 approached he told me that we'd go upstate for a weekend at Villa Roma and we'd talk about our wedding plans. Well, we went it cost more than we can afford due to his huge pay cut and my being out of work. All so that at dinner he could tell me that he wants us to be more financially stable before getting married and that I need to get a job and that I need to be nicer to his family (they are very hard people to get along with and are obsessed with his ex troubles - being that I started to lose faith in us really ever getting married I started to pull away). I said fine, but I want a date. He said that he's trying to get a promotion that he should know about in June so we'll set the date over the summer.
So here's June, his company loves him, but their not making any promo decisions right now. So, he takes a trip to Maine every 4th of July. This year his son is going. I, due to an unemployment hearing that I may have scheduled during that time, may only be able to go for the weekend, he's going for 7 days. So we decided that after Maine we'll set a wedding date.
FH has not been sleeping the last few nights and I've noticed him becoming emotionally distant. I asked him what's on his mind, he initially said he wasn't sure. I asked about work and us and he said all are fine, he just feels overwhelmed and anxious about something. I then asked if it had to do with setting a wedding date. He like lit up and said 'yeah, that may be it'. So now I'm PO'd as I'm sure you can all imagine. I told him this is a huge problem. He said he's aware. He said he loves me and wants to be with me. I asked him what is more stressful to think about setting a wedding date or breaking up? He looked at me - I said let me ask you this 'would you feel better if you didn't have the stress of a wedding' he said yes. I said then the breaking up is the answer then! He cried, I cried. It was a horrible night. I went to my p's who are very aggravated (they're obviously disappointed that he's made promises to me and his son and everyone else and now he's flaking out. They don't really want my cat - but I need her, please no one tell me to get rid of her - she's been the only constant in my life). I packed up my cat last night and stayed on a couch at my p's. It broke my heart to leave the cat he got for me behind, but I can't take her. Yet the only 2 people in this whole world she trusts is me and FH (she was badly abused). At my p's my cat is stuck in one small room. She cried the whole night, I did too. I called FH twice b/c I missed him so much. He loves me and wants us to be together. I woke up at 7am this morning... I could barely sleep the whole night. I decided to drive to our house before the traffic. FH was still sleeping when I got here and he's still sleeping now. He wanted me to take a nap with him. I tried going into our spare room to sleep (I'm so tired) but it was too bright and I wanted to be in his arms so bad. I went into our room and tried to lay with him. He held me and it felt good, but I know in my heart that I'm just going to get hurt if I keep letting him do this and that it's hard enough to muster up the courage to leave, how can I do it when I want to be in his arms so bad and it feels so good to be in his arms. I told him I love him, he responded 'I love you too', I told him I wanted to be with him he said he wanted that too. I said I wanted to get married and he said nothing. When I pushed, he said 'it's 9am, I just went to sleep 2 hours ago can we just take a nap together get a few winks - I haven't slept all week'. I tried, but couldn't relax. Everything from how much I love him, to how much this hurts, to our first kiss, the first time we held hands, to thinking about joing a dating service and how hard will it be to find someone to love again, to the fact I'm 32 and I have no single friends. I'm so overwhelmed and so sad. I know most of you probably think that if I want marriage and he doesn't that I'm probably doing the right thing no matter how emotionally and otherwise uncomfortable it is to go to my p's house. My family was great last night and they totally felt that I had to do this. He has to see what it's like without me, I've been too available and accessable. I sacrificed my desire to get married b/c of his situation, but it couldn't last, the idea was that once things were done with the divorce we'd move on. He said yesterday that he spent so long running away from his ex that he hasn't dealt with the pain and issues from the bad marriage. It's so different though... they got married only b/c she got pregnant. Oh, and he's also questioning himself as a father... he thinks he's an incompetent father and is unsure of his ability or desire to have other children b/c he doubts his ability so much. I told him that with our kids living with him and being involved in their lives it will be so different - funny enough that's exactly what he told me when we first started dating to eliviate my fears. He's the first man I ever trusted - I was 29 when we met... no my heart aches so bad and I'm so scared!
I've hit rock bottom. I'm in therapy already so that's already in place. I have no job, I have not a dime to my name yet I have credit card bills a student loan and a car payment, I'm in love with a man who loves me but can't give me what I need, I'm 32 and want to have a family. Any kind words???? What do I do to encourage him to commit? Is it too late? If so, how do I start over? How do I meet people? How do I get past the pain of losing a man that I thought was the one and was so almost perfect for me? How do I trust anyone again? How do I cope with sleeping on a couch in my p's spare room for an indefinite amount of time with my cat stuck in that one room too? HELP!
We met almost 3 years ago. He was legally separated and the separation agreement would mature in 2005. Well, in that time we fell in love despite the fact I never wanted a step child, I overcame that b/c my love was so strong and my friends and family really liked him and supported me so much. The child and I love eachother very much and he's so looking forward to us getting married and him getting half sibblings. He gave me a beautiful diamond ring withing 6 months of us being together and we bought a house shortly after that. I had a cat from before him and she came along and between the 2 of us we adopted 3 more cats. So we've had a little family of sorts. We had a fight about 6 months after the initial engagement and I threw the ring at him, this hurt him and we put all bets on hold. Last 4th of July he gave me my ring back. Since then I've made a few attempts to 'plan' a wedding. He's still waiting for the actual piece of paper as far as I know - but both parties signed for the divorce after all (she gave a lot of threats that she wouldn't sign for a long time).
Anyway, the first time I tried to talk wedding, FH came to me and said 'I'm so excited, I feel like I'm getting married for the first time'. I was so elated! About 2 weeks later we decided to get some ideas and went to the Vineyard Caterers to check out their wedding info. My p's live in Suffolk so we took them along. When we went back to their house afterward, FH had a horrible nose bleed! I mean gushing! He continued to get them over the next several days. Then he told me that due to his job loss at the time, it was too much stress to think about a wedding when we're struggling with the mortgage and other expenses.
January 2005 he got a job (I lost mine however) and signed off on the final divorce papers... I started dabbling in wedding ideas again. We had a fight about it - I threatened to leave for my p's house and he suggested I stay with a friend (would have been MOH). My friend was pregnant at the time and they can't host me there. I returned home that night and FH was crying that he didn't want to be without me. I said 'fine, you said in the beginning that in March you'd be divorced, April 1st either s**t or get off the pot. He giggled and agreed.
As 4/1 approached he told me that we'd go upstate for a weekend at Villa Roma and we'd talk about our wedding plans. Well, we went it cost more than we can afford due to his huge pay cut and my being out of work. All so that at dinner he could tell me that he wants us to be more financially stable before getting married and that I need to get a job and that I need to be nicer to his family (they are very hard people to get along with and are obsessed with his ex troubles - being that I started to lose faith in us really ever getting married I started to pull away). I said fine, but I want a date. He said that he's trying to get a promotion that he should know about in June so we'll set the date over the summer.
So here's June, his company loves him, but their not making any promo decisions right now. So, he takes a trip to Maine every 4th of July. This year his son is going. I, due to an unemployment hearing that I may have scheduled during that time, may only be able to go for the weekend, he's going for 7 days. So we decided that after Maine we'll set a wedding date.
FH has not been sleeping the last few nights and I've noticed him becoming emotionally distant. I asked him what's on his mind, he initially said he wasn't sure. I asked about work and us and he said all are fine, he just feels overwhelmed and anxious about something. I then asked if it had to do with setting a wedding date. He like lit up and said 'yeah, that may be it'. So now I'm PO'd as I'm sure you can all imagine. I told him this is a huge problem. He said he's aware. He said he loves me and wants to be with me. I asked him what is more stressful to think about setting a wedding date or breaking up? He looked at me - I said let me ask you this 'would you feel better if you didn't have the stress of a wedding' he said yes. I said then the breaking up is the answer then! He cried, I cried. It was a horrible night. I went to my p's who are very aggravated (they're obviously disappointed that he's made promises to me and his son and everyone else and now he's flaking out. They don't really want my cat - but I need her, please no one tell me to get rid of her - she's been the only constant in my life). I packed up my cat last night and stayed on a couch at my p's. It broke my heart to leave the cat he got for me behind, but I can't take her. Yet the only 2 people in this whole world she trusts is me and FH (she was badly abused). At my p's my cat is stuck in one small room. She cried the whole night, I did too. I called FH twice b/c I missed him so much. He loves me and wants us to be together. I woke up at 7am this morning... I could barely sleep the whole night. I decided to drive to our house before the traffic. FH was still sleeping when I got here and he's still sleeping now. He wanted me to take a nap with him. I tried going into our spare room to sleep (I'm so tired) but it was too bright and I wanted to be in his arms so bad. I went into our room and tried to lay with him. He held me and it felt good, but I know in my heart that I'm just going to get hurt if I keep letting him do this and that it's hard enough to muster up the courage to leave, how can I do it when I want to be in his arms so bad and it feels so good to be in his arms. I told him I love him, he responded 'I love you too', I told him I wanted to be with him he said he wanted that too. I said I wanted to get married and he said nothing. When I pushed, he said 'it's 9am, I just went to sleep 2 hours ago can we just take a nap together get a few winks - I haven't slept all week'. I tried, but couldn't relax. Everything from how much I love him, to how much this hurts, to our first kiss, the first time we held hands, to thinking about joing a dating service and how hard will it be to find someone to love again, to the fact I'm 32 and I have no single friends. I'm so overwhelmed and so sad. I know most of you probably think that if I want marriage and he doesn't that I'm probably doing the right thing no matter how emotionally and otherwise uncomfortable it is to go to my p's house. My family was great last night and they totally felt that I had to do this. He has to see what it's like without me, I've been too available and accessable. I sacrificed my desire to get married b/c of his situation, but it couldn't last, the idea was that once things were done with the divorce we'd move on. He said yesterday that he spent so long running away from his ex that he hasn't dealt with the pain and issues from the bad marriage. It's so different though... they got married only b/c she got pregnant. Oh, and he's also questioning himself as a father... he thinks he's an incompetent father and is unsure of his ability or desire to have other children b/c he doubts his ability so much. I told him that with our kids living with him and being involved in their lives it will be so different - funny enough that's exactly what he told me when we first started dating to eliviate my fears. He's the first man I ever trusted - I was 29 when we met... no my heart aches so bad and I'm so scared!
I've hit rock bottom. I'm in therapy already so that's already in place. I have no job, I have not a dime to my name yet I have credit card bills a student loan and a car payment, I'm in love with a man who loves me but can't give me what I need, I'm 32 and want to have a family. Any kind words???? What do I do to encourage him to commit? Is it too late? If so, how do I start over? How do I meet people? How do I get past the pain of losing a man that I thought was the one and was so almost perfect for me? How do I trust anyone again? How do I cope with sleeping on a couch in my p's spare room for an indefinite amount of time with my cat stuck in that one room too? HELP!
