BM Advice, please!

Okay so, this is going to be a little long, but I need help figuring out what to do here!

One of my best friends is obviously going to be a BM at my wedding, but I don't want her boyfriend there. By any means.

Here's a little backstory:
They've been dating on and off for 4 years now. I have spent a grand total of 1 hour with him, in that time we were helping my BM move into her new apartment and he refused to speak to me because he was mad at her. They're always fighting. He will not spend time with any of her friends. He gets mad at her when she chooses to spend time with us instead of him, and has a temper that has led to her spending the night at my house (on multiple occasions...with her dog) for fear of her own safety because of threats he has made. He repeatedly treats her like garbage and yet she insists on getting back with him every time. She has even admitted that he is 100% emotionally abusive.

All of her friends (myself included) have made it clear to her that we do not support her decision to be with him, and she acknowledges that. She knows that hes a piece of you know what, but insists we don't know him like she does.

Anyway, about a month ago (before their most recent 'break' due to him kicking her out of his house at 2am bc of something she did wrong - which he refused to explain or tell her what it was) we were talking about my wedding with a few friends and she casually mentioned that she cant wait to be there and that he will finally be forced to spend time with her friends. I didn't say anything then because I didn't know how to approach it, but there is NO WAY this man is going to be at my wedding. Shes a BM, therefore she won't be able to spend a lot of time with him. He'll get mad at her for not having all attention on him, and he knows absolutely no one else.

How do I tell her this? I was originally just going to send the invite addressed to only her, with no guest, but should I just have a talk with her sooner rather than wait that long?

She's going to be upset either way, but this is something I refuse to compromise on. What do I do?!

BM Advice, please!

I would talk to her sooner rather than later. Explain that because of the way he treats her, he is not welcome in any way at your wedding. Explain that you are excited to celebrate with her only. If she can't accept that she may walk away from the wedding, but it needs to be said now! Good luck...What a difficult position :(

BM Advice, please!

I would sit her down and tell her that he isn't invited. I've had to tell someone that their significant other is not welcome in my home. It's not easy and she will either 1- take it with grace and ***** behind your back or 2- tell you out right that you aren't her mother and can't tell her who to date blah blah blah.

BM Advice, please!

I would sit her down and tell her that he isn't invited. I've had to tell someone that their significant other is not welcome in my home. It's not easy and she will either 1- take it with grace and ***** behind your back or 2- tell you out right that you aren't her mother and can't tell her who to date blah blah blah.

BM Advice, please!

Based on what I see, I don't think I would have her be a BM. In my experience, situations like that end up with the girl picking the boyfriend over others, especially if given an ultimatum. I get that its your day...but tread carefully.

BM Advice, please!

Definitely have a conversation with her sooner than later and express to her how it is you feel and you think it will be best that he not be there. Express your concern for her and the fact of it being your day you don't want for there to be any tension and would really like to enjoy the day without have to be on eggshells because you don't know he will say let a lone do. Good luck and please keep us posted.

BM Advice, please!

Thanks everyone!

I figured talking to her soon would be best, I just don't want to deal with it, you know? We've been friends for a long time, and I'd like to think she'll understand as everyone has already made it clear to her we won't even pretend to support him, but I don't know. I'm worried that she'll dig her heels in and decide not to come at all, because she's really irrational when it comes to him.

I don't want her to not be there, but if that's going to be the case, I guess finding out now is best, instead of a month before the wedding. Bleh.

Re: BM Advice, please!

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Posted by brookie6978

Based on what I see, I don't think I would have her be a BM. In my experience, situations like that end up with the girl picking the boyfriend over others, especially if given an ultimatum. I get that its your day...but tread carefully.

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Unfortunately I agree with this. Also, do you take a chance they get into one of their fights and he makes her choose between being with him or being in your wedding? Sounds ridiculous but with the way you're describing him definitely not impossible. I would be afraid she would flake on you last minute - which will still cause problems within your friendship. I would definitely make a decision sooner than later and speak to her before invitations go out.

BM Advice, please!

If you have not asked her to be a bridesmaid already you definitely should not have her in your wedding party. Wedding planning is stressful enough without adding someone else's drama to the mix. She has already shown you what her focus is going to be-- him. You need people around you that will support you. Invite her as a guest. Without him.