BM Dilemma...Please Help!!! (long)

Ok Here is the problem. My sister has been best friends with this girl for 7 years. We all always used to go out together on the weekends. When me an my FH were planning on getting engagged...we would talk about things. It was understood that she would be a BM...in fact I told her it was obvious that she would. Now here is the problem...She sort of fell off the face of the earth. We hardly see her anymore. She doesn't hang out with my sister any more. They go to college and work together but that is it. I haven't seen her in a few months until last night when she came over with an engagement gift for us.
I already have 7 girls w/o her...She thinks everyting is normal...Oh by the way she told a mutual friend that she better start talking to my sister again so that she can be in my wedding.
If this continues how can she be in it...Do I leave it alone and keep her in...If not, how do I tell her that I don't have room for her now...I am so confused. Please Help

Re: BM Dilemma...Please Help!!! (long)

Did she say she should talk to your sister again ONLY so she can still be in your wedding??? Or is she trying to make an effort so that things aren't awkward when the planning begins (shower, dresses, etc). Also, did you actually ASK her?? Or is she just assuming because of what you said in the past??? If that is the case, you have no obligation to her at all! My suggestion is, don't make yourself crazy over it!! I went with who I am closest to now. Plus, you say she is your sister's friend... I don't think you have to have her... JMO... Good luck, I hope I helped a little.

Re: BM Dilemma...Please Help!!! (long)

Well I think she is tring, but who knows. No I never officially asked her. My Problem is how Do I tell her she is not in it. I would hate to upset her.

Re: BM Dilemma...Please Help!!! (long)

You don't tell her.... When I chose my bridal party, everyone told me, DO NOT apologize or feel you have to explain to those I didn't choose, that just means you've done something wrong... In this case you didn't... I know that's easier said than done. Maybe you can have a chat with her about it... Feel her out, see how she feels, but in this case it's tough because she already thinks she's in it... Sheesh, I'm sorry, I'm stumped.

BUT if this is going to keep eating you up then is it a big deal to have an 8th girl?? Nowadays, a big bridal party is NOT abnormal! If you need any more advice, I'll be here... I'm on this site all day!

Re: BM Dilemma...Please Help!!! (long)

If you feel close to her and you want her in your wedding, then put her in. However, you made several references to her relationship with your sister. If she is your sister's friend then you are not obligated to put her in at all. If she is also your friend, then you need to separate your relationship with her and your sister's relationship with her. Are you still close with her? Its a tough decision, in the end do what makes you happiest.

Re: BM Dilemma...Please Help!!! (long)

I agree with Septemberbride, that's what I was trying to get at with my first response. You are not obligated since she is your sister's friend from the beginning...

Sorry - it's still a little early for my brain to function

Re: BM Dilemma...Please Help!!! (long)

I don't think you should ask her just because you feel obligated to. But I don't think you have to tell her that she's not going to be a BM, just don't ask her. I think she'll get the picture.

Re: BM Dilemma...Please Help!!! (long)

Personally I don't see the problem with including her. It was implied she'd be included, and seems to be making an effort. All that will happen if you boot her is hurt feelings -- she'll be disappointed and you'll feel guilty. Since you haven't implied she is taking away from your experience, I don't see the value in excluding her.

Re: BM Dilemma...Please Help!!! (long)

I also think that you don't have an obligation to this girl... being in a bp is a big responsibility ... If this girl fell off the face of the earth before, what's to say that she'll be around until you get married?

I wouldn't address this with her, but if she asked, then you might want to say something about it. I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, but how can you say that she's been a great friend to you?

good luck, sweetie, this is a tough one!

Re: BM Dilemma...Please Help!!! (long)

Do not - I repeat - DO NOT ask someone to be in your bridal party just b/c you used to be close friends, or you feel obligated to them. That is a recipe for disaster!! Just leave it alone. This is your wedding, and you do not owe anyone an explaination.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I don't mean to. I have just seen too many times where a bride allows herself to feel obligated to someone who is not a genuine friend, and they end up never speaking to each other again after the wedding.

Re: BM Dilemma...Please Help!!! (long)

Thanks Girls...I have been back a forth on this issue. My family is telling me the same thing. It helps to hear from those that are not involved. I am just going to let it go. I have a feeling she is going to ask me when we are going to look for dresses...thats when I am going to have to say something. If she doesn't then I am going to leave it.

Re: BM Dilemma...Please Help!!! (long)

Good luck! I'm sure everything will work out fine!

Re: BM Dilemma...Please Help!!! (long)

I agree with the ladies that said not to ask based on an obligation...you will only be sorry later.
Good luck to you!