BM vent and advice

One of my BMs just sent me an email saying she plans on not coming to bachelorette party or rehearsal dinner, but only plans to fly in morn of wedding and go to ceremony and part of reception because: she is having money problems AND (this is my fave!) doesnt want to be tempted to drink or smoke cus shes trying to quit..... ok so you cant come to rehearsal dinner because of that?!?!? Isnt part of accepting to be a bridesmaid coming to wedding -related events? i dont care if she doesnt drink at the bachelorette festivities, but we going to dinner (im paying for) going to comedy club, and going dancing.... its not like its gonna be all drinking, i did it this way because i have other friends that dont drink.... i also am paying for the hotel room for the gals to crash at that night too... im upset. I feel like she shouldnt even bother buying the dress.... or participating, how are the other gals gonna feel when they see she hasnt helped with one thing, skipped out on rehearsal, and just shows up at ceremony start time??
i wrote her back and said her just 'being there' was what was important to me, and not that she drank or spent her savings, but i encouraged her to drop out and take care of herself..... waiting for a reply.... i feel like i became bridezilla, but in the same sense feel there are responsibilites that go along and she never should have accepted in first place..... how would she feel when she gets married if i didnt participate in anything?

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Posted by Teamhurldon

One of my BMs just sent me an email saying she plans on not coming to bachelorette party or rehearsal dinner, but only plans to fly in morn of wedding and go to ceremony and part of reception because: she is having money problems AND (this is my fave!) doesnt want to be tempted to drink or smoke cus shes trying to quit..... ok so you cant come to rehearsal dinner because of that?!?!? Isnt part of accepting to be a bridesmaid coming to wedding -related events? i dont care if she doesnt drink at the bachelorette festivities, but we going to dinner (im paying for) going to comedy club, and going dancing.... its not like its gonna be all drinking, i did it this way because i have other friends that dont drink.... i also am paying for the hotel room for the gals to crash at that night too... im upset. I feel like she shouldnt even bother buying the dress.... or participating, how are the other gals gonna feel when they see she hasnt helped with one thing, skipped out on rehearsal, and just shows up at ceremony start time??
i wrote her back and said her just 'being there' was what was important to me, and not that she drank or spent her savings, but i encouraged her to drop out and take care of herself..... waiting for a reply.... i feel like i became bridezilla, but in the same sense feel there are responsibilites that go along and she never should have accepted in first place..... how would she feel when she gets married if i didnt participate in anything?

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You not being 'bridezilla' Being in your wedding party is something she accepted. There are responsibilities that go along with it. As far as the Bachelorette party, you said she is flying in, maybe it's too much for her to come to NY 2 times, but she has no excuse for not being here for the rehearsal

wow---that is soooo weird. and i don't get her flying in for just the morning of the wedding. sounds to me like she might be trying to pissss you off enough that you will tell her to back out

i guess ask yourself how much you want her to be in your BP--perhaps you should just say 'so you can enjoy yourself better--just be a guest and dno't worry about being a BM if its gonna be stressing you out too much'

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Posted by kkss1419

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Posted by Teamhurldon

One of my BMs just sent me an email saying she plans on not coming to bachelorette party or rehearsal dinner, but only plans to fly in morn of wedding and go to ceremony and part of reception because: she is having money problems AND (this is my fave!) doesnt want to be tempted to drink or smoke cus shes trying to quit..... ok so you cant come to rehearsal dinner because of that?!?!? Isnt part of accepting to be a bridesmaid coming to wedding -related events? i dont care if she doesnt drink at the bachelorette festivities, but we going to dinner (im paying for) going to comedy club, and going dancing.... its not like its gonna be all drinking, i did it this way because i have other friends that dont drink.... i also am paying for the hotel room for the gals to crash at that night too... im upset. I feel like she shouldnt even bother buying the dress.... or participating, how are the other gals gonna feel when they see she hasnt helped with one thing, skipped out on rehearsal, and just shows up at ceremony start time??
i wrote her back and said her just 'being there' was what was important to me, and not that she drank or spent her savings, but i encouraged her to drop out and take care of herself..... waiting for a reply.... i feel like i became bridezilla, but in the same sense feel there are responsibilites that go along and she never should have accepted in first place..... how would she feel when she gets married if i didnt participate in anything?

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You not being 'bridezilla' Being in your wedding party is something she accepted. There are responsibilities that go along with it. As far as the Bachelorette party, you said she is flying in, maybe it's too much for her to come to NY 2 times, but she has no excuse for not being here for the rehearsal

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the bachelorette party is on fri the 28th, rehearsal sat the 29th, wedding the 30th, lol

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Posted by Future_Mr_andMrs_Palomino

did she know that your doing all this for them? like springing for the hotel room? maybe she thought she just couldn't afford it? .. I dunno I'm wishful thinking because I would hate to think someone would do this for no reason. Hopefully she'll come around and be more helpful, thats why we have our BMs too have fun and share our wedding day and the days leading up to with!

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she knew. i just reiterated all of it again in the email i sent her...

you are so not being bridezilla... bridezilla would've flipped out on her...

yeah i think that's uncool she wants to just show up the morning of the wedding?? something else must be going on... could be financial reasons or maybe she's just not up to it and doesn't know how else to tell you?

you gotta think if she will flake out on you at the last minute..

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Posted by Teamhurldon

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Posted by kkss1419

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Posted by Teamhurldon

One of my BMs just sent me an email saying she plans on not coming to bachelorette party or rehearsal dinner, but only plans to fly in morn of wedding and go to ceremony and part of reception because: she is having money problems AND (this is my fave!) doesnt want to be tempted to drink or smoke cus shes trying to quit..... ok so you cant come to rehearsal dinner because of that?!?!? Isnt part of accepting to be a bridesmaid coming to wedding -related events? i dont care if she doesnt drink at the bachelorette festivities, but we going to dinner (im paying for) going to comedy club, and going dancing.... its not like its gonna be all drinking, i did it this way because i have other friends that dont drink.... i also am paying for the hotel room for the gals to crash at that night too... im upset. I feel like she shouldnt even bother buying the dress.... or participating, how are the other gals gonna feel when they see she hasnt helped with one thing, skipped out on rehearsal, and just shows up at ceremony start time??
i wrote her back and said her just 'being there' was what was important to me, and not that she drank or spent her savings, but i encouraged her to drop out and take care of herself..... waiting for a reply.... i feel like i became bridezilla, but in the same sense feel there are responsibilites that go along and she never should have accepted in first place..... how would she feel when she gets married if i didnt participate in anything?

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You not being 'bridezilla' Being in your wedding party is something she accepted. There are responsibilities that go along with it. As far as the Bachelorette party, you said she is flying in, maybe it's too much for her to come to NY 2 times, but she has no excuse for not being here for the rehearsal

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the bachelorette party is on fri the 28th, rehearsal sat the 29th, wedding the 30th, lol

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Then there is no excuse. If she can't afford it, then she needs to do the right thing and tell you she can't be a BM. There is no reason for her to not make it to all 3 functions!

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Posted by MJDoc12

wow---that is soooo weird. and i don't get her flying in for just the morning of the wedding. sounds to me like she might be trying to pissss you off enough that you will tell her to back out

i guess ask yourself how much you want her to be in your BP--perhaps you should just say 'so you can enjoy yourself better--just be a guest and dno't worry about being a BM if its gonna be stressing you out too much'

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yeah she might just be waiting for you to say it because she doesn't know how to bring it up???

I think that the response that you gave her was very nice and very charitable.

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Posted by Teamhurldon

im just so annoyed, i asked everyone last april and i said, 'I know how financially stressful being in a wedding can be, and will not be offended if you guys tell me you don't want to be in it. You will not offend me, and I will still love you.'

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you have every right to be annoyed! she's not being reasonable here... she should've just really said what was on her mind and apologized for not being able to be there for you... some people make me

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Posted by Teamhurldon

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Posted by Future_Mr_andMrs_Palomino

did she know that your doing all this for them? like springing for the hotel room? maybe she thought she just couldn't afford it? .. I dunno I'm wishful thinking because I would hate to think someone would do this for no reason. Hopefully she'll come around and be more helpful, thats why we have our BMs too have fun and share our wedding day and the days leading up to with!

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she knew. i just reiterated all of it again in the email i sent her...

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Well then I think you defiantly did the right thing, to ask her to maybe step down if she can't even make it to your rehearsal or bach. party ... especially since there one after another, its not like she needs to fly in 3 times, just once!

i think you did the right thing.. honestly.. i feel like maybe she was just prepping you to back out completely.. like a getting her foot in the door kind of thing. it really suucks.. but in the end it's best you found all this out sooner rather than later. good luck hall twin!

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Posted by mlny83

i think you did the right thing.. honestly.. i feel like maybe she was just prepping you to back out completely.. like a getting her foot in the door kind of thing. it really suucks.. but in the end it's best you found all this out sooner rather than later. good luck hall twin!

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We are officiant twins too

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Posted by MiciB115

If she truly doesn't have the funds for the bachelorette party that's one thing. It really isn't an excuse for the RD. She's not paying for anything that night. And what happens if her flight gets delayed or canceled and she can't get to the ceremony? Tell her just to come to the RD. She'll be less stressed with traveling and be able to sleep in a bit more and have some fun in the mean time.

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i told her id like her to be at all three things, but if she couldnt do bachelorette party (id pay for her)
then she atleast HAS to be at rehearsal dinner... she still hasnt wrote back, we'll see