BM's not coordinating problem

My sister is the MOH and helping to pay for the wedding with my mom and us. She is single and can't afford much. She just bought her BM dress and is trying to organize my shower. I told my cousin who is a BM to take charge of that one but all 5 of my BM's seem to be the real polite type not wanting to step on anyone's toes.

Concerned about my shower's late progress, my mom let me in on the problem that my sister can't find anything lower than $20 pp and I have lots of women in my family and friends etc. So, that's nearly 45 people coming to nearly $1000. My mom simply can't help with that. I shouldn't have to be involved. I wrote my BM's about coordinating and 'tradition' so I wouldn't have to spell out, THE BRIDESMAIDS TRADITIONALLY PAY FOR THE SHOWER! And, including my MOH/sister, there are 5 of them.

Am I going to have to find a cheapo place myself? Yes, I found Mr. Right later in life and so they all have kids, house, career and are busy but I am starting to feel cheated and sorry for myself (could be PMS :) and I am getting pissed.

How do I handle this? Don't they know they have to chip in? I can't come right out and tell them to and my sister is not about to ask people directly for money. They need to step up to the plate and someone needs to be bold enough to take the bull by the horns and lead/coordinate including assigning duties and asking for payment.
Bridezilla has arrived! :)

Ugh..I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I had a similar problem. I was my sister's MOH. I was in college at the time and her friends were all in their 30's and established (as in WAY more money than i had at that point) and I kept asking them to be invovledin the shower and they did not take the hint and I ended up doing everything myself. Is there one BM you can trust to kind of spread the word that they should chip in for the shower?

I'm not really sure what's raditional. I think the BMs are supposed to pay, but in my family I think it's typically bee the bride's family

I don't think my BMs paid for my shower, and I did not pay for the bride's when I've been a BM in past. For one I helped coordinate the details and I paid for the favors and some small things here and there but largely, in all circumstances, the shower was paid for by the mom and the FMIL.

Can you do an alternative? I know a lot of girls who have had perfectly nice showers at someone's home (including the last time I was a BM). Is this an option? Then, you can have your MOH divvy up the details and whoever's job it is to do favors, they can pay for them, etc.

HTH

Sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately my mom is having the same issues as well. We're expecting about 50 people for the shower and everything is at least $25 pp and a lot of them do not include alcohol at all. My BMs are also not helping her pay for the shower so she's very stressed. I offered to help but she feels like it's unfair to me. I don't really mind, I just don't want my mom to be so burdened by it. Anyway, if I come across anything in my searches, I'll let you know. Sorry you're dealing with this.

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Posted by julesrbf

I don't think my BMs paid for my shower, and I did not pay for the bride's when I've been a BM in past. y the mom and the FMIL.

Can you do an alternative? I know a lot of girls who have had perfectly nice showers at someone's home (including the last time I was a BM).

HTH

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I can't put 45 people in anyone's home unless they will sit with plates on their laps and be super uncomfortable.

I was only in one bridal party years ago. Her two sisters and mom took care of the shower however, the traditional rules are that they all pay for the shower. It says it in all the books and online BM duties. I know my cousin helped in her best friend's shower. It does seem like even though it's tradition, most people's family feel bad and just assume the cost . And, since they all just had to shell out money for their BM dresses, they may feel extra uptight with the timing.

I tried to go inexpensive on the dresses. The best I could do given overweight BM's etc was $208. Money is a real hardship for us right now. I got laid off and on unemployment., my mom is on a fixed income and FH doesn't make over $40K. My sister too is single and lives alone. We have paid a lot between my mom, sister and FH for the wedding. My other 4 BM's know this but perhaps since they just paid for their dresses last week, they feel crunched?

BTW, my cousin who is a BM is single and has money. My other BM lives in a gated community in Northport. Her and her husband are lawyers. I think this could be done but how do I or my sister say, chip in? I wish they'd just step up to the plate. I am used to my mother's generosity so with realities of expensive and a lot of people in generally very conservative with their money, it makes things harder.
I need to chill out.

Maybe my cousin who is a BM can be the one to lead? Otherwise, I will have nothing or have to dip into my 401K!

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Posted by piscescutie2002

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Posted by julesrbf

I don't think my BMs paid for my shower, and I did not pay for the bride's when I've been a BM in past. y the mom and the FMIL.

Can you do an alternative? I know a lot of girls who have had perfectly nice showers at someone's home (including the last time I was a BM).

HTH

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I can't put 45 people in anyone's home unless they will sit with plates on their laps and be super uncomfortable.

I was only in one bridal party years ago. Her two sisters and mom took care of the shower however, the traditional rules are that they all pay for the shower. It says it in all the books and online BM duties. I know my cousin helped in her best friend's shower. It does seem like even though it's tradition, most people's family feel bad and just assume the cost . And, since they all just had to shell out money for their BM dresses, they may feel extra uptight with the timing.

I tried to go inexpensive on the dresses. The best I could do given overweight BM's etc was $208. Money is a real hardship for us right now. I got laid off and on unemployment., my mom is on a fixed income and FH doesn't make over $40K. My sister too is single and lives alone. We have paid a lot between my mom, sister and FH for the wedding. My other 4 BM's know this but perhaps since they just paid for their dresses last week, they feel crunched?

BTW, my cousin who is a BM is single and has money. My other BM lives in a gated community in Northport. Her and her husband are lawyers. I think this could be done but how do I or my sister say, chip in? I wish they'd just step up to the plate. I am used to my mother's generosity so with realities of expensive and a lot of people in generally very conservative with their money, it makes things harder.
I need to chill out.

Maybe my cousin who is a BM can be the one to lead? Otherwise, I will have nothing or have to dip into my 401K!

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Not to be rude, but traditions change. Traditionally the brides parents payed for the wedding. But, today everyone pays for their own wedding. I've never paid for a brides shower. I've helped in my own ways whether its the favors or invites, but that was all up to the mother. Unless of course there was no mother then the bridal would step in, but thats alot to ask of your BM's. They have alot to pay for already. Again this is just my opinion, but you shouldnt expect them to pay or ask them to either. If they offer thats one thing, but that should also be one thing thats not your problem. You have enough to deal with

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Posted by piscescutie2002

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Posted by julesrbf

I don't think my BMs paid for my shower, and I did not pay for the bride's when I've been a BM in past. y the mom and the FMIL.

Can you do an alternative? I know a lot of girls who have had perfectly nice showers at someone's home (including the last time I was a BM).

HTH

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I tried to go inexpensive on the dresses. The best I could do given overweight BM's etc was $208. Money is a real hardship for us right now.

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First of all, I was an 'overweight' bridesmaid (cute, btw, real nice, it really feels great when your body is a source of blame for one of your friends. I hope none of them read this board.) and we wore dresses that were about $145, so if money is THAT tight, I KNOW you could have found a dress for less than $200.

Secondly, you're the bride. You chose the people you wanted for your bp. You're not suposed to do the organizing and you should accept whatever your family/BP is willing or able to do. Those are the people YOU chose.

I'm sorry, but I'm sick of people bitching about what people aren't giving them.

I've never paid for a friend's bridal shower as a BM, and not everyone's parents had a lot of money either. You do what you can afford, and if that's a smaller party at someone's home or a VFW hall DIY decorated and catered that's what you do.

Good luck.
Geez.

I've been in about 7 weddings myself and I was the MOH at one. Something I learned is that not everyone can be friends. Someone is going to have to be the bad guy and tell everyone to put money in. I had to do it when I was MOH and I didn't really care what anyone had to say about it, that's the way it's supposed to be.

Sorry you have to deal, but it shouldn't be your responsibility. Go Bridezilla on their ***! At least you can use that as your excuse :)

Have your sister send around an e-mail saying I have been researching shower places and it looks like it will be $____ that each girl has to chip in by this date. They are in your bridal party they have to pay. Tell her not to give them a choice.

JMO

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Posted by PROBM

my friends rented a tent table and chairs for my moms friends backyrad and everyone made a dish it was very cost effcient and awesome!

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That's kind of along the lines of what I meant. But then again, the shower I was at for my friend was in a tiny townhouse with about 40 women, and we ate with our plates on our laps, and I survived ...

honestly, i never heard of the BMs paying for the brides shower. i can understand them helping set up and doing the favors and what not, but paying, ive personally never heard of. Its always the brides family. so maybe the BMs think this way too. i understand what you read, however, in reading ettiquite books myself, the brides parents are supposed to pay for the wedding, shower and a bunch more, but times have changed. FH and i are paying for our own wedding, with little help from our parents. and ive heard that my mom and FH mom are splitting the shower and rehearsal dinner costs between themselves.

when i organized my sisters baby shower, me, my mom, SIL and BIL split the cost of it. and it was at my brothers house with about 35-40 people and it cost about 400 something. People were on top of each other and seperated by different rooms, but thats all we could do. there def could have been ALOT more people, and it could have been alot more expensive, but we cut it down for cost purposes and space issues. Maybe you can cut the size down and have it at someones house or rent a KoC or VFW?

good luck with everything, and i hope it all works out. but you shouldnt have this stress on you, afterall you do have a wedding to plan.

I think if you want the bridal party to chip in for your shower you need to be upfront and let them know.

Here are some suggestions
1)You can have your shower at a vfw hall or something like that and have your family cook food or have it catered from a pizza place

2) invite less people

3)have it in someones house---there must be someone you know with a big enough place. I have had 25 people over in our small 1 bedroom

where your cousin lives in the gated community.....is there at clubhouse that she can rent out? I know alot of those places have those..maybe do it there if thats an option? You can just to heros and cold salads for food...it can be affordable.
I know the rules say its the BM duty but honestly my mom felt bad taking the $ from my girls. In the end she took something small...like 50$ from each to put towards it..but the rest my mom and my ex sil paid for

maybe your MOH & BMs should look into a chinese restaurant ... they're often cheaper and the food's still good.

FBIL had his bday with about 60 people at Jani's and I highly doubt they paid more than about $10 or $15 per person.

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Posted by NY031978

hey thats not a bad idea....now im a chinese food lover i know not all ppl like it...but there are some nicer places out there that you can get a great deal at...im sure they allow you to bring in your own cake...it def can be a nice day!

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The OTHER wedding I was a BM in had the shower at a Chinese place in Bay Shore ... think it was called Peninsula? (I'm not from that area so not sure.) It was very nice! And they had nice and bland options for those who don't eat Chinese.

If you know it's a money concern, then cut your guest list down and don't invite 45 people.

I did a 'ladies luncheon' with 20 people for brunch at my favorite restaurant in Park Slope and it cost me $15 pp plus tax and tip. We had a wonderful time. I paid for the whole thing myself. The choice was to plan and pay for it myself or not to have a celebration with my girlfriends and mom. I chose the former.


To the original poster... I think you need to take a step back and breathe a little. You're not thinking clearly -- you're kinda sounding like a selfish bride. I don't think that's something you want to be, and it isn't going to be any fun to celebrate with you if you don't snap some sense into yourself in the next few months.

I'm certain your friends and family want to celebrate your pending marriage with you, but being demanding, pushy, and unreasonable in this economy is just going to get you a whole lot of nowhere.

I don't mean to cause any drama, but you need to realize that your wedding does not mean as much to everyone else as it does to you. That goes with your shower as well. Your BMs love you, I'm certain, but if you have in your head that you want certain things, you need to step up and help, or try to wrap your head around some other options.

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Posted by springsandra

If you know it's a money concern, then cut your guest list down and don't invite 45 people.

I did a 'ladies luncheon' with 20 people for brunch at my favorite restaurant in Park Slope and it cost me $15 pp plus tax and tip. We had a wonderful time. I paid for the whole thing myself. The choice was to plan and pay for it myself or not to have a celebration with my girlfriends and mom. I chose the former.


To the original poster... I think you need to take a step back and breathe a little. You're not thinking clearly -- you're kinda sounding like a selfish bride. I don't think that's something you want to be, and it isn't going to be any fun to celebrate with you if you don't snap some sense into yourself in the next few months.

I'm certain your friends and family want to celebrate your pending marriage with you, but being demanding, pushy, and unreasonable in this economy is just going to get you a whole lot of nowhere.

I don't mean to cause any drama, but you need to realize that your wedding does not mean as much to everyone else as it does to you. That goes with your shower as well. Your BMs love you, I'm certain, but if you have in your head that you want certain things, you need to step up and help, or try to wrap your head around some other options.

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Very well said.

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Posted by JLWSJC

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Posted by julesrbf

I don't think my BMs paid for my shower, and I did not pay for the bride's when I've been a BM in past. y the mom and the FMIL.

Can you do an alternative? I know a lot of girls who have had perfectly nice showers at someone's home (including the last time I was a BM).

HTH

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I tried to go inexpensive on the dresses. The best I could do given overweight BM's etc was $208. Money is a real hardship for us right now.

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First of all, I was an 'overweight' bridesmaid (cute, btw, real nice, it really feels great when your body is a source of blame for one of your friends. I hope none of them read this board.) and we wore dresses that were about $145, so if money is THAT tight, I KNOW you could have found a dress for less than $200.

Secondly, you're the bride. You chose the people you wanted for your bp. You're not suposed to do the organizing and you should accept whatever your family/BP is willing or able to do. Those are the people YOU chose.

I'm sorry, but I'm sick of people bitching about what people aren't giving them.

I've never paid for a friend's bridal shower as a BM, and not everyone's parents had a lot of money either. You do what you can afford, and if that's a smaller party at someone's home or a VFW hall DIY decorated and catered that's what you do.

Good luck.
Geez.

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OK. I never heard of the bride's family paying for the bridal shower. As for the overweight BM, she needs a super supportive bra so she needed sleeves or a tank and not where she has to pay to make them because she is a size 36, so she has to pay for extra material so they can open up the seams and put in a gusset. David's Bridals were out due to lack of sleeves and this work of art.

Also, I am not looking for a fancy shower. Anything besides my mother's house would do. My mom is 77 and cannot host this. My sister is struggling so I am becoming a part of this because my sister can't do this on her own financially and I can't have my mom do this with a fixed income and all that work at home. She still works full time and is exhausted with heart problems. That is why I am concerned. Not for myself only that I want a bridal shower. FH and I have nothing and will have to move into a small apt as it is.

Tradition is the bride's family pay for the wedding, groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon and the BM's pay for their dresses and the shower. Tradition has changed. My mom, sister, FH and I are paying for the wedding and are tapped out. I lost my job and FH moved in with my mom and I to save money. My sister is paying for a lot too. FH's parents both died when he was 10 and he has little family and what he has, they nearly lost their house so we are paying for their tux, jr BM dress etc. We are making a lot of cuts on the wedding so I can at least have something. At 44, I may never have kids so this is my big hoopla and I don't want to feel cheated.

Sorry for the sob story but it is the reality and I am feeling overly emotional and annoyed by people who don't understand I can't put this on my sister, mother or FH. The BM's need to help or I won't have a bridal shower OR I can take it out of my 401K and pay for something myself. With all my family, who do I leave out when one is as close to me as another as first cousins I grew up with? So, that's not an option either.

OK. Needed to clarify that one. As someone else wrote above, I forget exactly, MOH needs to send out an email saying either there won't be one or everyone needs to chip in X amount. As I mentioned, my BM's are pretty well off in life at that so no need for me to be sweating my own Bridal shower.
Done venting.