BM's not coordinating problem

I have been in 14 weddings over the last 10 years. I am 30 and every one I have been in I have shelled out at least $300 for each shower. Either it went to the shower because their was no mother, which is my case, or it went towards a gift.

I know alot of BMs who pay for showers and I think its expected. There are some reasonable places out there the bridal party will just have to call around to see what fits in their budget.

Are they going to give you the same grief for your bach party because I would have your MOH start planning that now as well so you don't have the same issue.

I'm really sorry it's hard, sincerely, I feel you, but a lot of people don't have other people to rely on financially. They make it work. Unfortunately, that may be what you have to do. Just because other people have money doesn't mean you're entitled to having it spend on you. It would be nice if they did, espcially if you consider them close enough to have in your BP and I'm not saying I wouldn't want the same thing, but you can't expect it from them.

Also, they may not know the situation or realize that anyone's expecting them to pay because, as you can see, many BP's don't do that, the family does. So rather than sending them an email saying some to the effect of 'IT'S TRADITION', have your MOH explain the situation to them delicately and ASK if they'd be willing to help out. If they say no, that's their prerogative and then it's plan B on the cheap. But if everyone has bills and kids, it might be hard for them right now too.

I'm a law student, FH is a lawyer and we might be clearing a combined $80K a year when I graduate. With student loans to pay and a wedding and having to find a place to live... and we don't even have kids. We'll be struggling. What I'm saying is, just because people appear to be well off, you don't know what's going on in their bills/credit cards/portfolios/etc.

Relax. You're not the only one deal with these problems. You'll find a way to work it out, but just be careful of what you're expecting from people or you might be let down. It's supposed to be a happy time even if it's stressful and it still can be even if you have to sacrifice.

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Posted by DaniandKen2010

I have been in 14 weddings over the last 10 years. I am 30 and every one I have been in I have shelled out at least $300 for each shower. Either it went to the shower because their was no mother, which is my case, or it went towards a gift.

I know alot of BMs who pay for showers and I think its expected. There are some reasonable places out there the bridal party will just have to call around to see what fits in their budget.

Are they going to give you the same grief for your bach party because I would have your MOH start planning that now as well so you don't have the same issue.

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Finally someone who understands! I never assumed the BM's wouldn't help pay for the bridal shower.

Oh, I am not having a Bachelorette party. Discussed it with friends and they don't want to go to a bar or anything. They have young kids and just don't have it in them. Poor me! :) I met Mr. Right too late in age.

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Posted by JLWSJC

I'm really sorry it's hard, sincerely, I feel you, but a lot of people don't have other people to rely on financially. They make it work. Unfortunately, that may be what you have to do. Just because other people have money doesn't mean you're entitled to having it spend on you. It would be nice if they did, espcially if you consider them close enough to have in your BP and I'm not saying I wouldn't want the same thing, but you can't expect it from them.

Also, they may not know the situation or realize that anyone's expecting them to pay because, as you can see, many BP's don't do that, the family does. So rather than sending them an email saying some to the effect of 'IT'S TRADITION', have your MOH explain the situation to them delicately and ASK if they'd be willing to help out. If they say no, that's their prerogative and then it's plan B on the cheap. But if everyone has bills and kids, it might be hard for them right now too.

I'm a law student, FH is a lawyer and we might be clearing a combined $80K a year when I graduate. With student loans to pay and a wedding and having to find a place to live... and we don't even have kids. We'll be struggling. What I'm saying is, just because people appear to be well off, you don't know what's going on in their bills/credit cards/portfolios/etc.

Relax. You're not the only one deal with these problems. You'll find a way to work it out, but just be careful of what you're expecting from people or you might be let down. It's supposed to be a happy time even if it's stressful and it still can be even if you have to sacrifice.

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That is why I am writing on here, for advice and to vent and get some clarity before I let my emotions get the best of me and I go off like some bridezilla on my BM's. Maybe they don't know what the situation is and aren't aware we thought they'd chip in. Again, I may have to do something odd like take out of my 401K and do something small for myself or just resign to not having one. My sister can't afford no way. My mom is struggling to pay for the wedding. FH and I are $38K combined income at the moment.

I'll take a deep breathe and see what happens. Just wanted to vent on here first so I don't react to anyone else in real life. BTW, no one in my bridal party or guests are on this site.
Thanks for the input everyone.

Well, I agree with the sentiments above, times have changed and along with it, traditions and our economy has changed. You don't know the financial situation of your friends ,even those in the big houses, may be struggling.

I have never paid for a bridal shower as a BM. Perhaps you can cut down the invitation list, have it at the clubhouse of your friend who lives in the gated community, have it at a KofC or something similar and caterer from Fairway (really yummy and inexpensive).

My sister's baby shower is coming up, we've invited 40 ppl, and they'll be split up amongst the rooms in my parents house, it's the best we can do right now.

I'd take a step back, re-evaluate and see where things can be changed or cut back.

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Posted by piscescutie2002

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Posted by JLWSJC

I'm really sorry it's hard, sincerely, I feel you, but a lot of people don't have other people to rely on financially. They make it work. Unfortunately, that may be what you have to do. Just because other people have money doesn't mean you're entitled to having it spend on you. It would be nice if they did, espcially if you consider them close enough to have in your BP and I'm not saying I wouldn't want the same thing, but you can't expect it from them.

Also, they may not know the situation or realize that anyone's expecting them to pay because, as you can see, many BP's don't do that, the family does. So rather than sending them an email saying some to the effect of 'IT'S TRADITION', have your MOH explain the situation to them delicately and ASK if they'd be willing to help out. If they say no, that's their prerogative and then it's plan B on the cheap. But if everyone has bills and kids, it might be hard for them right now too.

I'm a law student, FH is a lawyer and we might be clearing a combined $80K a year when I graduate. With student loans to pay and a wedding and having to find a place to live... and we don't even have kids. We'll be struggling. What I'm saying is, just because people appear to be well off, you don't know what's going on in their bills/credit cards/portfolios/etc.

Relax. You're not the only one deal with these problems. You'll find a way to work it out, but just be careful of what you're expecting from people or you might be let down. It's supposed to be a happy time even if it's stressful and it still can be even if you have to sacrifice.

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That is why I am writing on here, for advice and to vent and get some clarity before I let my emotions get the best of me and I go off like some bridezilla on my BM's. Maybe they don't know what the situation is and aren't aware we thought they'd chip in. Again, I may have to do something odd like take out of my 401K and do something small for myself or just resign to not having one. My sister can't afford no way. My mom is struggling to pay for the wedding. FH and I are $38K combined income at the moment.

I'll take a deep breathe and see what happens. Just wanted to vent on here first so I don't react to anyone else in real life. BTW, no one in my bridal party or guests are on this site.
Thanks for the input everyone.

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Oh, and I would 100% not dip into my 401K for a shower. In the long run, just not worth it. You'd be putting yourself further in the hole for a party that will last a few hours - that's not the wisest financial choice.

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Posted by piscescutie2002

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Posted by JLWSJC

I'm really sorry it's hard, sincerely, I feel you, but a lot of people don't have other people to rely on financially. They make it work. Unfortunately, that may be what you have to do. Just because other people have money doesn't mean you're entitled to having it spend on you. It would be nice if they did, espcially if you consider them close enough to have in your BP and I'm not saying I wouldn't want the same thing, but you can't expect it from them.

Also, they may not know the situation or realize that anyone's expecting them to pay because, as you can see, many BP's don't do that, the family does. So rather than sending them an email saying some to the effect of 'IT'S TRADITION', have your MOH explain the situation to them delicately and ASK if they'd be willing to help out. If they say no, that's their prerogative and then it's plan B on the cheap. But if everyone has bills and kids, it might be hard for them right now too.

I'm a law student, FH is a lawyer and we might be clearing a combined $80K a year when I graduate. With student loans to pay and a wedding and having to find a place to live... and we don't even have kids. We'll be struggling. What I'm saying is, just because people appear to be well off, you don't know what's going on in their bills/credit cards/portfolios/etc.

Relax. You're not the only one deal with these problems. You'll find a way to work it out, but just be careful of what you're expecting from people or you might be let down. It's supposed to be a happy time even if it's stressful and it still can be even if you have to sacrifice.

---

That is why I am writing on here, for advice and to vent and get some clarity before I let my emotions get the best of me and I go off like some bridezilla on my BM's. Maybe they don't know what the situation is and aren't aware we thought they'd chip in. Again, I may have to do something odd like take out of my 401K and do something small for myself or just resign to not having one. My sister can't afford no way. My mom is struggling to pay for the wedding. FH and I are $38K combined income at the moment.

I'll take a deep breathe and see what happens. Just wanted to vent on here first so I don't react to anyone else in real life. BTW, no one in my bridal party or guests are on this site.
Thanks for the input everyone.

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I'm sorry, but I would be very insulted and taken back if someone(especially the bride)DEMANDED that I step up and help out with a shower. Thats not their problem. And not too sound rude(AGAIN) but maybe you shouldnt have a wedding if you cant afford it. I mean if you have 4 people helping you pay for it and you still cant afford it then maybe the 2 of you should go somewhere nice and get married and have a nice little gathering somewhere with your family. Its also not in the rule books that you HAVE to have a shower. Its a nice thing to have before the wedding but not required. So dont demand. You'll end up pushing people out of the wedding and then you'll have nobody. Like the other post said. Its not up to you to decide how other people should spend their money

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Posted by IrishCro

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Posted by piscescutie2002

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Posted by JLWSJC

I'm really sorry it's hard, sincerely, I feel you, but a lot of people don't have other people to rely on financially. They make it work. Unfortunately, that may be what you have to do. Just because other people have money doesn't mean you're entitled to having it spend on you. It would be nice if they did, espcially if you consider them close enough to have in your BP and I'm not saying I wouldn't want the same thing, but you can't expect it from them.

Also, they may not know the situation or realize that anyone's expecting them to pay because, as you can see, many BP's don't do that, the family does. So rather than sending them an email saying some to the effect of 'IT'S TRADITION', have your MOH explain the situation to them delicately and ASK if they'd be willing to help out. If they say no, that's their prerogative and then it's plan B on the cheap. But if everyone has bills and kids, it might be hard for them right now too.

I'm a law student, FH is a lawyer and we might be clearing a combined $80K a year when I graduate. With student loans to pay and a wedding and having to find a place to live... and we don't even have kids. We'll be struggling. What I'm saying is, just because people appear to be well off, you don't know what's going on in their bills/credit cards/portfolios/etc.

Relax. You're not the only one deal with these problems. You'll find a way to work it out, but just be careful of what you're expecting from people or you might be let down. It's supposed to be a happy time even if it's stressful and it still can be even if you have to sacrifice.

---

That is why I am writing on here, for advice and to vent and get some clarity before I let my emotions get the best of me and I go off like some bridezilla on my BM's. Maybe they don't know what the situation is and aren't aware we thought they'd chip in. Again, I may have to do something odd like take out of my 401K and do something small for myself or just resign to not having one. My sister can't afford no way. My mom is struggling to pay for the wedding. FH and I are $38K combined income at the moment.

I'll take a deep breathe and see what happens. Just wanted to vent on here first so I don't react to anyone else in real life. BTW, no one in my bridal party or guests are on this site.
Thanks for the input everyone.

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Oh, and I would 100% not dip into my 401K for a shower. In the long run, just not worth it. You'd be putting yourself further in the hole for a party that will last a few hours - that's not the wisest financial choice.

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ITA--dipping into your 401k would not be smart

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I'm sorry, but I would be very insulted and taken back if someone(especially the bride)DEMANDED that I step up and help out with a shower. Thats not their problem. And not too sound rude(AGAIN) but maybe you shouldnt have a wedding if you cant afford it. I mean if you have 4 people helping you pay for it and you still cant afford it then maybe the 2 of you should go somewhere nice and get married and have a nice little gathering somewhere with your family. Its also not in the rule books that you HAVE to have a shower. Its a nice thing to have before the wedding but not required. So dont demand. You'll end up pushing people out of the wedding and then you'll have nobody. Like the other post said. Its not up to you to decide how other people should spend their money

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Who's demanding anything from anyone? I am venting on here first. I assumed as is tradition that my BM's would step up to the plate and help out and they seem to need a push. I am trying to spare my sister and my mom and well shoot, I would like to have some kind of bridal shower. My BM's can afford it. My sister can't. So, someone has to ask them to help and I don't think that should me is all I am saying.

Thought I could vent my frustrations and feelings of being cheated out in life when I am so excited about something, on this site without being reprimanded so badly. I needed support. I spent years giving and giving and giving for all these people's wedding and baby showers, kid gifts and I don't get anything on my special day? Huh. I bet if you were in my shoes you wouldn't be feeling so diplomatic and self sacrificing about the whole thing.

I guess if I have to force people to support me emotionally too, I shouldn't bother. Just thought this site was a safe place. I didn't write so people could make me feel worse.

Obviously I am worked up, perhaps disproportionately so. My mother agrees with me however. I can't afford the attendants gifts or rehearsal dinner either however BM's think it's tacky not to have a rehearsal dinner after all they've done. I figured, pizza or subs etc back at home. I am a generous person so I am getting necklaces for all the girls, junior and flower girl because I wouldn't be happy not getting it. One of my BM's told me they hate that gift idea about coordinating necklaces to wear on the day of the wedding. And I am the one expecting a lot?

Funny, I am having a fight with my BM's without them knowing it!

You have a FM.

I've been in weddings and am one later this year where the BM's pay for the shower with some help from the mom. I'm in one this year and we're not getting any help from the mom (she really can't afford it). She has 77 women and expects 61 to come. That's 420 a pop between 5 BM's. It's alot but what am I going to do.

With my other friend, we paid but it was a much smaller guest list..we got some help from her mom.

For mine, my mom is paying half the total cost (actually FMIL offered to help her and is, which is very kind on her part). My 6 BM's are covering the rest.

I think it's normal for you to be wondering when they will step up. They should, even if it's something low budget..The chinese restaurant suggestion is a good one. I went to one and it was great and from what I heard, afforadable.

Sorry, but I would NEVER expect my BMs to pay for the shower. That is expensive. I only expect them to pay for the dress, and even with that I called around to find the best deal.

Sorry, but I think you are asking too much. Maybe someone can host it at their house?

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Posted by jackieee

Sorry, but I would NEVER expect my BMs to pay for the shower. That is expensive. I only expect them to pay for the dress, and even with that I called around to find the best deal.

Sorry, but I think you are asking too much. Maybe someone can host it at their house?

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I don't think she is asking too much. I think the bms should offer to help if her family can't afford it. She deserves to have a shower just like everyone else. I do however agree that they should find a place that's cost effective. I think the op needs to talk with her bms and let them know the situation. I'm sure they would be happy to chip in and give her a wonderful shower.

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Posted by Junebride2010

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Posted by jackieee

Sorry, but I would NEVER expect my BMs to pay for the shower. That is expensive. I only expect them to pay for the dress, and even with that I called around to find the best deal.

Sorry, but I think you are asking too much. Maybe someone can host it at their house?

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I don't think she is asking too much. I think the bms should offer to help if her family can't afford it. She deserves to have a shower just like everyone else. I do however agree that they should find a place that's cost effective. I think the op needs to talk with her bms and let them know the situation. I'm sure they would be happy to chip in and give her a wonderful shower.

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I still don't think she should expect it. If they can't or don't want to spend their money, that's understandable too. But yes, she should definitely sit down with everyone and explain the situation. Try to have it at a house or an affordable place.

I understand that you are just voicing your frustration on here but another aspect of the board is brides giving other brides advice! I think that you might want to considering compromising on certain aspects of your shower. Either cutting the list down significantly of invitees so that someone can throw the shower at a home or possibly asking your FH's family to help? If you cut the list significantly, you can tell people that may have expected to be invited that there was a small budget.

I'm lucky that my aunt and grandma are throwing me a shower but if that wasn't feasible, my FMIL or mother would do it at their homes. Since my shower is being thrown at a restaurant, I cut my list down to 30 invites only (from approx 50 on my original list).