bp dilema

so one of those girls who i asked to be in bridal party told me she really doesn't have the $ for it, but yet shes not definitely stepping down. I was in hers in the beginning of august and we used to be really close until like April of this year when she started school at night. i have only known her for about 3 years. i understand shes very busy, but i felt like once i started planning my wedding she and i drifted apart. like i felt uncomforable around her at her wedding. I sent an email with pics of possible dresses to the girls in the bp (about a month ago) including her and everyone but her responded. so i emailed her are u ok? shes like well we need to talk, i might not be able to afford to be in ur bp. shes like my money situation is so different from when u asked me. b/c now shes only working part time, but then shes goes onto say that her $ situation might be different next year. and that feels so bad, and that shes afraid to commit to it now because if next year comes and shes still in the spot she will have to step down. so i sent her this long em back about how we're friends first and i won't be mad if she has to step down. so heres my dilema, i kind of hope she steps down cause i have another friend i'd rather ask( i have been friends with this girl for 10 years but around the time we got engaged we had an argument so i didnt' ask her), but i would never in a million years ask my first friend to step down. I emailed my bm today since she never responded to my email about me not being mad if she steps down and she worte back basically the same thing:
'i really can not let you know at this moment and i'm sorry. i don't want to tell you yes and then when it comes down to it, not be able to afford to be in it. financially, i won't know exactly where i'll be next year with everything going on, work, house, etc. if you have to give her an answer now, i guess don't mention me. i wish i could give you an answer now but honestly, i can't til i know what's going to happen later on. i can barely afford everything now. i haven't paid rent in months cause i can't afford it. i'm really struggling as it is. i hope you understand and again, i'm very sorry. love you too :)
Do u guys think its safe to assume that the first one is stepping down and i can ask the second one?
i know replacing one bm for another isn't very nice, but i don't feel as close to the first girl anymore. please don't yell at me guys.
btw- i can't have them both because i already have 7 girls in my bp.

Well, I can say that I dont envy your dilemmia but here is how I would handle it. I would invite the friend who is dragging her feet to lunch or coffee. Face to face is always better. I would tell her again that I wanted her in my bridal party but that if this was going to cause her stress (both finacially and emotionally) you would not be offended, upset or angry. In the past, I spent over $1,000 each time I was a bridesmaid (between the dress, alterations, shoes, hair, shower, shower gift, bachorette party, and wedding gift). If she doesnt have the money now- and is even behind on her rent now- she isn't going to have $1,000 in a year.

In my opinion, I think she is trying to back out now but is afraid to say straight out that she cannot do it. Is it possible that she could participate in another way? Are you having readings and would she be approppriate for that? Handing out programs, petal cones, bubbles, etc? Saying the blesssing before dinner if youre having one?

Again, I would invite her to lunch or coffee and ask her if she was willing to particpate in some other way that is far less costly so that you can have things squared away.

Good Luck!

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Posted by AlBaBride

While I don't think it would be right to ask a friend to step down once you've already asked her to be in your bridal party, I do think it would be ok to give her a 'deadline' of when to let you know. You could just mention that you just need to know for planning purposes, and leave yourself enough time to ask your other friend if the first one steps down. It's a difficult situation, and I sympathize with you, but I wouldn't be the one to 'uninvite' her to be in the bridal party...let the stepping down come from her. If it's really important to you to have the other girl in your bridal party, just ask her...the more the merrier, and hey girl #1 might wind up stepping down...Good luck!

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good point the first girl could end up stepping down anyway. thanks!!

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Posted by vmystique33

Thats a tough situation you dont want to push the issue but you have to for obvious reasons sorry i dont know what i would do.maybe explain to her that next year is a liitle too long to wait for an answer let her know that she can still be a part of everything like the bachelorette party and planning .sorry im not too helpful but goodluck and keep us updated

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thanks! thats what one of the girls on the BHB board suggested. so i was thinking i can have the other girls in the bp include her in everything in the planning process but she just wont buy the dress or pay the $ for the shower or b-party

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Posted by Toots123

Well, I can say that I dont envy your dilemma but here is how I would handle it. I would invite the friend who is dragging her feet to lunch or coffee. Face to face is always better. I would tell her again that I wanted her in my bridal party but that if this was going to cause her stress (both financially and emotionally) you would not be offended, upset or angry. In the past, I spent over $1,000 each time I was a bridesmaid (between the dress, alterations, shoes, hair, shower, shower gift, bachorette party, and wedding gift). If she doesnt have the money now- and is even behind on her rent now- she isn't going to have $1,000 in a year.

In my opinion, I think she is trying to back out now but is afraid to say straight out that she cannot do it. Is it possible that she could participate in another way? Are you having readings and would she be approppriate for that? Handing out programs, petal cones, bubbles, etc? Saying the blesssing before dinner if youre having one?

Again, I would invite her to lunch or coffee and ask her if she was willing to particpate in some other way that is far less costly so that you can have things squared away.

Good Luck!

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thanks!! thats the thing, i think she realizes we have grown apart, but even though we're not that close anymore i think she still feels she needs to honor her commitment to me especially since I was in hers. I'm not like one of those people who are tit for tat. I was in her BP b/c at that time we were really close and I wanted to do it, I didn't do it SO she would do it for mine. I'm thinking of having her do a reading. I completely agree with u that she may be trying to get out of it and legitimately doesn't have the $.

I agree in that she is probably trying to step down & doesn't know how to let you know. Yes, I would invite her lunch or coffee and then let her know that you've decided that it would be best if she was still involved in your wedding to some degree, but that you don't want to pressure her financially. Hence, it's best if she participates without being a bridesmaid. Let her know that you are not in the least offended by the situation.

Best of luck!