Breaking the tradition with wedding finances- touchy subject

Here`s the story: We`ve already set our wedding budget, and we plan to pay for most of the wedding ourselves. My father passed away a few years ago, so my mother`s now on her own but will be contributing to the hall. My fiance`s parents are retired and living on a fixed income, but have spent $$ on a boat, etc, so they are living comfortably. I know the groom`s parents traditionally pay for the rehearsal dinner, but are they typically respsonsible for anything else? (short of showing up the day of the wedding?!) I`m insulted that his parents haven`t once offered to help out at all, or have even brought up the subject, knowing my mother`s circumstances. At this point, they don`t even know we`re planning to pay for most of it. I`m not expecting them to pay for much - maybe just the DJ, something to help us out a little. For those of you in similiar situations, what did you decide? Is it worth the awkwardness of even bringing it up?

Breaking the tradition with wedding finances- touchy subject

I am not sure if that tradition is followed much today. I think most brides and grooms pay for the majority of the wedding themselves. Personally I wouldnt have dreamed of asking someone to pay for MY WEDDING and if I couldnt afford to have it I would sought other options . Any monetary contribution we have received have been appreciated but totall unexpected.

Breaking the tradition with wedding finances- touchy subject

I`m not asking anyone to pay for my wedding - I`m just surprised they haven`t mentioned it. Many of my friends who were recently married had both sets of parents help out a little. I thought that was more common - maybe I`m wrong.

Careful balance on finances (long)

You're both right in a way. Most brides and grooms do pay for their own weddings these days, or at least the majority of the expenses. But a lot of parents and in-laws do also contribute to the budget. If you're fortunate enough to have both, you still have to be very diplomatic about discussing who pays which tab. My advice is to discuss this with your FH first, get his point of view and come to an agreement with expectations and how to move forward. Outwardly, it might appear that his parents are living comfortably, but how could you know their private business? The boat purchase doesn't mean anything, in fact, maybe that's what could put them in hock (for instance - I don't know either of course). All I'm saying is don't expect anyone to offer. Discuss w/your FH if he thinks his parents might be willing or able to help with some small things. (Small expenses add up and help with them can go a long way!) How close are you with his parents? Do you feeling comfortable having this conversation together? My in-laws offered to pay for our cake, in lieu of a groom's cake (which was a tradition that had been included at his sister's wedding). They also offered to help pay transportation for out-of-towners, since most of these people were from their side of the family. But the rest was up to us and my parents. And believe me, there were some stressful discussions centered around the guest list! But, it all works out in the end. Try to stick to your budget and cut corners on things that are less important to the day. All that matters is that it's the day you and your FH want it to be. Good luck!

Breaking the tradition with wedding finances- touchy subject

Hi Teri, I know how tough budgeting is! I share a very close relationship with my FIs family, but I don''t think I''d come out and ask for $$ to help with our wedding. I''d openly share wedding plans with them-maybe they''ll see how committed you and your FI are to your budget, and will offer to help. By how you describe them, it seems like they will probably give you and your FI a wedding gift (which will come in handy after the wedding!!). Hang in there!

Breaking the tradition with wedding finances- touchy subject

I think tradition says that the grooms parents pay for eng ring, rehersal and honeymoon. My parents are pitching in almost half of the costs ( :) ) and we are coming up with the rest ourselves. but that total does not include the ring (FI bought) nor honeymoon. My FI is going to ask his mom to pay for part of the honeymoon (although we will be staying at her house in Madrid for part of the time, so that won't be an expense) But I feel weird, b/c she is a widow. My friend is having an elaberate black tie wedding which her parents are paying for everything except the band (his parents are doing that). His parents wanted an even fancier and more expensive place, but weren't willing to put in the extra money, so they are not having it there. I don't know if I helped you at all, but I hope I did.

I understand how you feel (long)

My FI and I are paying for everything too. My dad and stepmom are buying my dress and headpiece. I was budgeting (which I always spend $500 more anyway) and did ask my Mom if she planned on helping with anything. All I said was 'I am starting to figure out my budget for the wedding and wanted to know if you were planning on helping in anyway. If you aren't that is fine but if you are it would be helpful to know so that I can allocate that money someplace else where I have sort of cut-back' She said she would figure out what she could do and let me know. I honestly doubt she will help but I need to know. One of my friends was very upset because her FI parents paid for his sisters entire wedding and only offered to pay for the cake at theirs. Two weeks before the wedding they got a check in the mail, which covered their Tahiti 2 week honeymoon. Maybe your FI could just ask his parents if they are planning on helping or he could just bring up how expensive everything is and see what they say.

Breaking the tradition with wedding finances- touchy subject

It's our wedding so we agreed that us and only us will pay for the wedding. Things are not the way they used to be w/ all this traditional this person is suppose to pay for this and that. You don't know what everyones finacial situation is (I mean the real situation, you never know if they have a heavy debt) so it's fair not to expect any $$ if they have not offered. You never know you might get a nice size $$ gift instead of the contibution to the wedding. That is what our family will be doing.

Breaking the tradition with wedding finances- debt

We are also paying for our wedding ourselves. No help at all, except an early wedding gift from my parents. My FI's dad offered to help, but he has been crying poor for months now and we're lucky if he pays for the rehearsal dinner. I read somewhere that the groom's parents' are supposed to pay for all the guy's flowers. See if you can get that. Charge what you can and pay it off after the wedding. Enjoy your day the way you want to. Register for your honeymoon and tell people about it. Good luck.

Breaking the tradition with wedding finances- touchy subject

My parents are giving us a 'gift' of money to use however we want. We are paying for the balance. His parents haven't mentioned anything except the rehearsal dinner.

thanks for the input everyone! *NM*

Breaking Tradition - DO NOT GO INTO DEBT

DO NOT GO INTO DEBT to pay for you wedding. I'm sorry but that is the worst advice in the world! Why would you want to start your like together in the hole. A year after the fact, I can tell you that if I was still paying for my wedding, I'd be regretting my choices. Do what you can with what you have. My parents are divorces and when the wedding planning started, my mom offered to help, but not a peep from dad and in-laws. Mom finally told dad to give us some help. Here is an idea. My MIL thought it would be nice to go see photographers with us. When she saw how much packages cost (and the 1st place we went to was low end) she almost passed out. Shortly after that, we got some $$ from in-laws and they decided they didn't want an album, that a folio would do... So maybe that is a tactful way of getting some help? But again, do not go into debt, it's not worth it. The best feeling my husband and I had was when we came back from the honeymoon and knew we owed no money.