Bridal Shower Woes

I hoped to have a small bridal shower. I wanted close friends and immediate family. Well, FMIL gave me a list with 27 people on it...I don't even know 12 of them. When I commented, she snapped, 'Well this is the way WE do it.'

My mother planned to pay for my shower (I have never liked the idea of asking the bridal party to assist in the cost). With the numbers where they are now, the shower will cost a pretty penny. I know there was some talk about having the shower at my aunt's house, but that's out of the question now because the list is enormous.

I've gotten to the point where I don't even want a shower anymore. I resent FMIL TELLING me who has to be invited, particularly when I either don't know the people or have met them once. We spent such a long time registering and I think it's all been for nothing at this point.

My mom offered to just buy what we need off of the registry and call it a day. Honestly, that's starting to look pretty good.

Aww......dont feel that way...its ur day....
Talk to her...and tell her the situation...even though they are planning it...THEY ARENT paying for it!

I think you need to talk to her and let her know how YOU want to do it. I think you should be comfortable at your shower and not knowing half of the people there shouldn't even be considered. Especially when it makes you feel this way.

My FBIL got married a few months ago. His wife has an utterly psychotic family and she has nearly no relationship with her mother. She has basically adopted my FI's mother as her own. The do everything together and truly have a mother/daughter relationship.

I love my family dearly. I have an incredible relationship with my mother. I don't feel the need to replace my mother with my FI's mom the way FSIL has.

FMIL did everything with FSIL for the wedding. She went looking at halls with her, bridal gown shopping, BM dress shopping... When it came time for the shower, FMIL was going to plan the entire thing without any input from FSIL's mother. Long story short, FSIL's mom stepped in & laid down the law.

My FMIL has been annoyed with me since the engagement. She feels as though I don't include her and she's right about that. She is overbearing and domineering. She has made a comment about any detail I've shared. To make my life easier, I respond with vague answers, leaving no room for comment.

There is no talking to her. She offered to pay half of the shower cost and I don't want her to. Allowing her to chip in will then give her the right to have input about the various aspects of the shower.

I don't want a bunch of people I don't know, or barely know, at my shower. I think this may be my first bridezilla moment, but I really feel strongly. Not having a shower seems to be the best solution at this point.

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Posted by suven

My goodness...it really sounds like your FMIL is related to my MIL! It's like they're the same woman.

Having gone through it (and fought to the bitter end to have things the way *I* wanted them) I will give you this advice:

Invite the 12 people. They may not even attend. And, if they do, good for you- more gifts!

I recently learned that my MIL talked trash about me IN THE CAR on the WAY to my bridal shower because of the disagreements we had. So, before I even walked down the aisle, many of my in-laws decided that they didn't like me anymore- because of my MIL's mouth!

Don't end up like me!

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Wow, I'm sorry for what you had to go through and for what it sounds like you're still going through. That said, I won't give in. I'm tired of her thinking she's the mother of the bride. She controls every aspect of her family, but I refuse to allow her to do the same with me. Not having a shower makes life so much easier for all involved.

Incidentally, I miscounted. Of the 27 on her list, I only know 9.

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Posted by suven

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Posted by NYtherapist



Wow, I'm sorry for what you had to go through and for what it sounds like you're still going through. That said, I won't give in. I'm tired of her thinking she's the mother of the bride. She controls every aspect of her family, but I refuse to allow her to do the same with me. Not having a shower makes life so much easier for all involved.

Incidentally, I miscounted. Of the 27 on her list, I only know 9.

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Believe me when I tell you, I know exactly how you feel. But, now my shower and wedding are done, but these bad feelings and memories will never go away.

Even though it's 18 people, I think they should be invited, BUT your FMIL will also need to pay for those people, if they even show up.

I was engaged for 2 years and the drama didn't start until my bridal shower. And, it lasted right up to the night before my wedding- which was completely ruined with more drama.

I agree that she should not be able to control anyone, but on this issue, I would let the 18 people slide. If you don't even know them, they most likely will not attend.

But, if you do feel strongly about it, why not meet her half way? Even if you only know 9 people, that's really a very small amount of women from the groom's side to attend.

What if out of the other 18 whom you don't know, you pick 9-10 (maybe based on their relationship with the groom) and invite them?

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I really think this is just the straw that broke the camel's back. Simply put: I've had it with her.

She offered to have a rehearsal dinner for us. We're getting married at our reception hall, so there won't be an actual rehearsal. She stipulated that the RD would have to take place during the week. Once I heard this, I spoke w/ FI and we declined her offer. Only one member of my bridal party lives in the state. My family also lives out of state. A RD on a weeknight would be completely inconcenient and my bridal party would be unable to attend. She brought the RD up again last week. FI and I again thanked her & declined the offer. She said, 'Well, we do them during the week.' Who is this 'WE' to whom she continuously refers?

I think part of this is that I had a very mentally strenuous day at work and have been in a foul mood since I returned home. Maybe I just need some sleep because I think my mood is affecting my ability to think logically.

There is a soultion to this. your FMIL sounds like a hard one to deal with, but you may have to compromise on this. Why don't you put your mom in touch with her and just stay out of it?

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Posted by Bunnymonkey



There is a soultion to this. your FMIL sounds like a hard one to deal with, but you may have to compromise on this. Why don't you put your mom in touch with her and just stay out of it?

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This was just about EXACTLY what I was going to say. You should not be so involved anyway. The two mothers need to hash this one out on their own.

My mother is very passive, while his mother is quite aggressive. Care to wager as to which mother will win?

My mother has enough stress in her life without the addition of this. I love my mother too much to put her through any of this nonsense.

Hmm, looks as though sleeping on it hasn't helped much...lol

The bad news is that you are joining her family and whether you know the people she wants to invite or not she has some people she wants to invite to share your special day. Maybe she has to reciprocate the invitation. Either way, she isn't doing it to get you aggrivate you or PIO.
My MIL invited lots of people I didn't know, but were important to her. I wanted a small shower and got a large one. I wanted a small wedding in MIL's backyard and got a gala. My MIL also acted like the bride's mother, but in the end every thing was beautiful and everyone was happy. I also enjoyed getting most of the things from my registry.

The good news is that you'll be doing a nice thing if you invite these people. Since it appears that you are involved in the shower, you can situate yourself with your close friends and family. Surround yourself with who you want and more cordial to the rest. If she is offering to pay half, accept it and thank her. She'll be your MIL forever and you don't need bad blood.

It's not giving in, it's being the better person.
Try not to fight her. It's not the best way to start married life.
(And don't let her invite ANYONE to your housewarming party!!)
Good luck...
Marci Mandrell

dont feel that way. its your day and it only comes once. maybe you should sit down and tell your fmil that case and how you feel. i think that would help.

Well my FMIL doesn't believe in bridal showers according to FH. I told him it would be a pity when she won't be there.

She also doesn't understand why people spend so much $$$ on engagement rings - that we should put the $$$ towards a down payment on a house. This is coming from a woman who bought her own ring. If she thought it was such a waste, then let her give us HERS for the down payment. She won't miss it that much.

So yes, you arent alone with difficult in-laws. Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it. Enjoy your special day.