bridesmaid

lmccue Posted: May 02, 2005 06:20 AM

bridesmaid

I have a question to ask all you ladies. I asked one of my close girlfriends to be in the wedding party and now I am having second thoughts. She lives in Chicago and doesn't seem to be that into the wedding. Granted she does have a lot going on. But, I didn't think of how difficult it would be to do planning with a friend out of town. Is there a discreet way of asking her not to be in it anymore? I don't want to be cruel or hurtful, but it might be best for everybody.

SFP0214 Posted: May 02, 2005 07:56 AM

Re: bridesmaid

You're bm's don't have to be involved with the planning. Only my Moh and one bm have been involved at all. I think it would hurt her feelings to uninvite her. She just can't be that involved from chicago. JMO

boobobunny Posted: May 02, 2005 08:03 AM

Re: bridesmaid

I would ask her how she feels...maybe she would rather just be a guest and is afraid of hurting your feelings...you should talk to her...but it is true that not all BM's have the time to help with much. I pretty much doing everthing on my own...My BM and MOH have alot going on in their personal lives and aren't always available to help.

AnniesSS Posted: May 02, 2005 08:25 AM

Re: bridesmaid

My FH and myself did all the planning - didn't consult with any family or friends because we wanted to do it our way.

Dom n Nic Posted: May 02, 2005 08:43 AM

Re: bridesmaid

Posted by lmccue

I have a question to ask all you ladies. I asked one of my close girlfriends to be in the wedding party and now I am having second thoughts. She lives in Chicago and doesn't seem to be that into the wedding. Granted she does have a lot going on. But, I didn't think of how difficult it would be to do planning with a friend out of town. Is there a discreet way of asking her not to be in it anymore? I don't want to be cruel or hurtful, but it might be best for everybody.

i am in the same boat
i aksed my sister who lives in VA to be in the BP. (which is a whole other story lol)
and now i am thinking did i make a mistake???

Blu-ize Posted: May 02, 2005 09:09 AM

Re: bridesmaid

I had my FSIL as a bridesmaid and she lives in Seattle. She wasn't involved in the planning as much but called me often to check in on me and to see what I was up to. I'm still happy I had her as a BM. Not everyone in your bridal party will offer the same level of participation. It's not a slumber party. Sorry if this sounds snotty. It was not meant to be. People can participate in their own way even if there are geographical limits. If you are having second thoughts about what her friendship means to you, then that's a different story.

Robin404 Posted: May 02, 2005 12:41 PM

Re: bridesmaid

Similar situation- have to vent!

I'm only have a MOH and my FSIL is a Bridesmaid.
My mom lives 1/2 way across the country.

My MOH is 8 months pregnant, so I don't expect much from her. My FSIL has already disappointed me. She told me she'd come somewhere with me, then the night before told me how she can still come, but has a hair appointment at 12n and has to be home by 530p b/c she has a bachlorette party. And owe yea- she'll be able to help me, but also will have her 8 month old with her.

To not start trouble I said- dont worry about it, we'll go another day. I got off the phone with her and cried my eyes out.

I'm not the kind of person to ask anyone for help with anything. Maybe it's my own insercurities, but I'd rather not ask for help with something then be dissappointed.

My FH is very close to his sister. He didn't know how upset I was until he heard me telling my MOH on the phone, who's also my best friend.

FH denied but later admitted that he did call his sister, which is why I got a voice-mail from her on how sorry she is that she disappointed me.

MOH told me pregnant and all, she's more then happy to help me and was kind of upset when I didn't ask her.

When I go to get my dress I was going to take FSIL, but have had a change in thought. I will not set upself up again to be dissappointed.

Bunnymonkey Posted: May 02, 2005 01:27 PM

Re: bridesmaid

this is my question: how are Bridesmaids involved in the planning of your wedding?

She just needs to get a dress, attend the shower if she can, and show up to the wedding - no?

If any of the above things are a big problem, you might want to ask her how she is feeling about the whole thing. If she is not interested in hearing about flowers and stuff, I wouldn't hold it against her...

ckgmwedding Posted: May 02, 2005 01:37 PM

Re: bridesmaid

Posted by Bunnymonkey

this is my question: how are Bridesmaids involved in the planning of your wedding?

She just needs to get a dress, attend the shower if she can, and show up to the wedding - no?

If any of the above things are a big problem, you might want to ask her how she is feeling about the whole thing. If she is not interested in hearing about flowers and stuff, I wouldn't hold it against her...

I agree- I was an OTT bm for my friend's weddings and only attended the rehersal and wedding. I sent money to the MOH for each shower and bought them a gift too. I couldn't fly in from CA for the showers and pay for everything too. Especially since they were only 3 months apart and I had to fly in for both. I even missed one of the rehersals since I thought it was on a Friday and it ended up on Thursday and I was still in CA. Don't be too hard on her.

glinda_goodwitch Posted: May 02, 2005 01:37 PM

Re: bridesmaid

Posted by SFP0214

You're bm's don't have to be involved with the planning. Only my Moh and one bm have been involved at all. I think it would hurt her feelings to uninvite her. She just can't be that involved from chicago. JMO

I have one BM that is in Boston, and probably the only planning she'll help with is my shower (since my family wants that in Boston, with the wedding in NY). But I want her there in the BP anyways just for suport and to share in the wedding however she can. My BM are all going to have different jobs depending on where they live and what they can help with. So as long as she is excited for you, I'd say keep her.

troutster Posted: May 02, 2005 01:40 PM

Re: bridesmaid

When you said that your bm is not helping to plan your wedding, are you looking for help from people and you asked her and she won't help you or do you feel that part of her responsiblies as a bm is to just help you plan with out you even asking?
I can understand that you are having second thoughts. I know i have and I think a lot of others have. for me I just felt like she was uninterested and about to cause problems (which she did a bit but not too bad) with just the dress, hair and shoes. If your bm is uninterested unfortunitly there isn't much you can do about that. one of mine is and that is just how she is. That either just has to be excepted or you can talk to her about it.
If you feel that uncomfotable with her being in the wedding and you think you will look back and regret having her then you need to talk to her. You just have to remember that since she is so far away she is very limited as to what she can actually do, but if u are just looking for support from her, that she can provide even if she is far away. Talk to her and tell her how u feel.

wood2be Posted: May 02, 2005 02:00 PM

Re: bridesmaid

My Mom and sister were the only ones who helped me plan my wedding. My two SIL's and one of my MOH's live out of state. If she seems like she doesn't want to be in it, then ask her but otherwise, I wouldn't say anything. To me, the less people involved was easier.

leese Posted: May 02, 2005 03:52 PM

Re: bridesmaid

Posted by SFP0214

You're bm's don't have to be involved with the planning. Only my Moh and one bm have been involved at all. I think it would hurt her feelings to uninvite her. She just can't be that involved from chicago. JMO

Hi! I'm the MOH... I'm also in another wedding that i am not involved in at all either. I feel differently regarding BM's... I don't feel like they all have to be 'into it'... just as long as they come to the showr, the B Party and wear the dress I pick, I'll be happy..

Now...SFP0214 has a lot to do for me... hahah!

cindyandkevin Posted: May 02, 2005 04:29 PM

Re: bridesmaid

You def have to talk to her and discuss what it is that you need her to do. If she can handle it then let her stay. If she admits that it's too much from Chicago then let her know that you don't think it's a good idea. The problem arises bc the role of BM is never cleary defined among all brides, each of us has our own idea of what we need/want our BMs to do. This can confuse the girls and they need to know up-front what's expected of them so that they can make an informed and accurate decision of whether or not to agree to taking the position.

danielleb Posted: May 03, 2005 04:27 PM

Re: bridesmaid

I say do whatever you want to do, but just so you know, your bridesmaids don't have to be involved in the planning. NONE of my BM are helping me plan-mostly because I hated helping them plan -and didn't want to put them through the same agony that I went through as a BM. It's completely up to you though. It's your day!!

germai68 Posted: May 03, 2005 04:30 PM

Re: bridesmaid

You should do what you want. But not having bridesmaids live near you isn't that big a deal. 3 out of 6 of mine live in NY (or london!!) and I live in NC. And the three that live here havent helped me at all and really have no interest. You can do it all without them. They are really just there for support the day of. No one is going to care about planning your wedding the way you are anyway. So it's up to you, but I say it shouldn't be that big a deal!!