bridesmaid problem

okay so I have 8 girls in my party. the last one I asked was only two weeks ago, she ran out to buy her dress. every other girl in my party has also gotten their dresses minus 2. one doesn't have money right now but her parents will just pay. now the other one who I asked back in January. has still not gotten her dress! after I told her 20x already to buy it since May. she claims no money, but goes out to bars all the time. I know she makes money freelancing for a fact. I mean even a few days ago fh saw her ad on craigs list. not to mention since January! she has had time to save. I don't know what to do. my parents offered to loan her money but she seems flakey. what if she didn't pay them back? she didn't come to our engagement party, said she had a fight with her mother or something.

if she can't even buy a dress what about hair? makeup? shoes? parties? I don't know what to do. i'm scared to depend on her. not to mention all my girls want her out because of her nonstop self pity, complaining about her messed up bf yet going back to him over & over. (he's been in rehab 5x this year and only 19!)

should I just ask her to back out? I gave her the option to do so, yet she claimed she wanted to be in. yet hasn't done anything to prove she's interested. she even forgot fh's 30th bday after about 6 people told her the day of even!

Hi! wow she does seem flaky, but there are ways to work around it...
Call the dress store, they might accept a minimum deposit, say $25.00, from you to start the order/order the dress?
You can scan the receipt and email it to her, all helpful like 'Hi [Flaky], so i was at xyz store with [Non-Flaky Friend] and I went ahead and put $25 down for your dress so we can get the order started, blahblahblah! I'm so excited can't wait to see you in these dresses...' i.e., CHEERFUL sounding email...
My BP dress store wouldn't order all the girls dresses unless they had measurements and deposits from all 3 girls, so that the dresses come from the same DYE LOT. You might have the same issue, i'm not sure?
So, if she's holding up the whole dress order, you probably need to nudge her one last time, if no reply, then you should move on and cut her. If she's non-cooperative at this stage it will only degenerate as the months go by!

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Posted by kellybean

ask her again and explain all the ways she has 'let you down' and let her know that you need her to be dependable and that you wont be hurt if she cant do it but you would rather know now.....I honestly would just tell her you want her out...but Im a little rough about being let down!!

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I did that. she said she wanted to, blah blah. she has a habit of disapearing. then when I finally saw her, and she came over. she was arguing and crying with the bf. being all depressed. I didn't want to bring up wedding stuff then. my fh was pretty mad she didn't go to his party. when he asked her why she said they had a fight, so she ran off to get messed up all weekend. what if she fights with the bf before the wedding? will she run off and disapear? I also hate self pity. she says how bad life is, but does nothing to change it. she has a son, she shouldn't have that type of person around him. (her bf)

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Posted by Colette

Hi! wow she does seem flaky, but there are ways to work around it...
Call the dress store, they might accept a minimum deposit, say $25.00, from you to start the order/order the dress?
You can scan the receipt and email it to her, all helpful like 'Hi [Flaky], so i was at xyz store with [Non-Flaky Friend] and I went ahead and put $25 down for your dress so we can get the order started, blahblahblah! I'm so excited can't wait to see you in these dresses...' i.e., CHEERFUL sounding email...
My BP dress store wouldn't order all the girls dresses unless they had measurements and deposits from all 3 girls, so that the dresses come from the same DYE LOT. You might have the same issue, i'm not sure?
So, if she's holding up the whole dress order, you probably need to nudge her one last time, if no reply, then you should move on and cut her. If she's non-cooperative at this stage it will only degenerate as the months go by!

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david's bridal only takes full payment. we've tried that too. I hope the dye isn't going to be different. two of my girls are in louisiana. they said it shouldn't matter since it was lilac. also they discontinue dresses also so i'm worried about that. I feel bad to keep hounding her. especially with all of her problems. she is stressing me out though. she wasn't like this when I first asked her.

hmmmm ok what to do then...
Well from what you've posted i think there's a lot going on in her life right now and PERHAAAAAPS she's really struggling with all of it. Maybe she knows she can't commit financially or emotionally to the BP deal yet at the same time is hoping things will improve soon and she can step up?
I say this from experience, as i was in a BAAAD relationship once upon a time and became a complete FLAKE to my friends as a side effect (that's not HIS fault by the way, its totally mine and I had to make amends to all the buddies i hurt).
So I don't think its ever a mistake to act with compassion - why not set a date to see her... you can gently open the door for her to opt out (vs. 'YOU'RE FIRED') with grace and dignity.
If she commits to be IN, then you say 'Great! Lets hop over to David's right now and get that dress ordered.'

Wow. She didn't go to your e-party because of a fight she had with someone else. I think she sounds like more trouble than it's worth. I would talk to her again and see if you can talk her into backing out, in a nice way. I would exaggerate how much money the BP will be kicking in for shower and Bach-party to see if that will scare her away. Good luck.

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Posted by Colette

hmmmm ok what to do then...
Well from what you've posted i think there's a lot going on in her life right now and PERHAAAAAPS she's really struggling with all of it. Maybe she knows she can't commit financially or emotionally to the BP deal yet at the same time is hoping things will improve soon and she can step up?
I say this from experience, as i was in a BAAAD relationship once upon a time and became a complete FLAKE to my friends as a side effect (that's not HIS fault by the way, its totally mine and I had to make amends to all the buddies i hurt).
So I don't think its ever a mistake to act with compassion - why not set a date to see her... you can gently open the door for her to opt out (vs. 'YOU'RE FIRED') with grace and dignity.
If she commits to be IN, then you say 'Great! Lets hop over to David's right now and get that dress ordered.'

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oh I can totally relate to her situation. I have been through it myself. but I mean that was along time ago. I emailed her last week saying I would understand if she wanted to back out. she said she wanted to be in it, etc. I kept asking her to go to david's bridal, she disapeared soon after that. then showed up saying how messed up she was, etc. now disapeared again. I am given her this last chance.

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Posted by twinkle164

Wow. She didn't go to your e-party because of a fight she had with someone else. I think she sounds like more trouble than it's worth. I would talk to her again and see if you can talk her into backing out, in a nice way. I would exaggerate how much money the BP will be kicking in for shower and Bach-party to see if that will scare her away. Good luck.

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supposedly had a fight with her mother, and had to stay home. she's 23, with a son. I don't understand how a mother would do that, knowing it's someones engagement party. I personally wouldn't even listen, over 18 it's your life. two of my girls tried to tell her about $$ and she said it was no problem. if it is why can't she afford a $140 dress? I think she wants to be in it but doesn't realize she actually has to do something. maybe she assumed she'd just show up.

I know some bride doesn't like to hear the word 'you have plenty of time' but in your situation its true. You are not getting married until next year.... give your bridesmaid a chance to save some money.

I'm getting married in Sept and my BM bought their dress in May of this year. They all got it this week and just waiting for final fitting.

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Posted by joan_db

I know some bride doesn't like to hear the word 'you have plenty of time' but in your situation its true. You are not getting married until next year.... give your bridesmaid a chance to save some money.

I'm getting married in Sept and my BM bought their dress in May of this year. They all got it this week and just waiting for final fitting.

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I was going to say the same thing... i understand the concern about them discontinuing the dress...but other than that, maybe you can give her some time.

i am not good with being let down like that, i'd probobly be up front and be like 'either you give me a dang good reason why you can't order your dress this week, or you can back out. if money is the only issue, i'll help you out, other wise, you're just not being supportive and i don't need the drama'

but that's just how i am.

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Posted by bemyyoko

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Posted by joan_db

I know some bride doesn't like to hear the word 'you have plenty of time' but in your situation its true. You are not getting married until next year.... give your bridesmaid a chance to save some money.

I'm getting married in Sept and my BM bought their dress in May of this year. They all got it this week and just waiting for final fitting.

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I was going to say the same thing... i understand the concern about them discontinuing the dress...but other than that, maybe you can give her some time.

i am not good with being let down like that, i'd probobly be up front and be like 'either you give me a dang good reason why you can't order your dress this week, or you can back out. if money is the only issue, i'll help you out, other wise, you're just not being supportive and i don't need the drama'

but that's just how i am.

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yeah it's not just money. my dad offered to pay for her dress. she won't even go get measured! I am just getting tired of hounding her.