Okay, I read somewhere that its a good idea to mail or give your chosen BM a pamphlet/letter listing out the general responsibilies of a bridesmaid. Now at first, this sounded rude to me but now that i think about it, there are people that have never been one before, have no idea what to expect, and most importantly to them, what they will be expected to PAY for (my sis got married last summer and our cousins still have not paid her for their dresses and shoes!). First question is, does anyone think this is a good idea? Would you get offended if it were given to you? Second, where do i find such a list of responsibilties? (okay that was 3 questions )
Sunny
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Re: Bridesmaid Responsibility Check-list
I don't think it is a bad idea, as long as you give it to them in person and explain why. A lot of bridal magazines have checklists.
alina
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Laura, None of my bridemaids know what they're doing, and most of them have chosen not to do anything, especailly considering that nonw of them live in NYC Metro.
I personally would be offended to be given a list, but on the flip side, I probably would offer the bride some help.
None of my BM's really got involved or offered 'serious' help w/planning. In fact the best MOH I have had so far is my FH.
Am I upset? No, b/c I didn't have high expectations, considering the long distance issue.
How would they react if I gave them the 'list of responsibilities' - I don't think they would have liked it, and if they were to do them, they would probably do them only out of obligation...
If I were to do the whole wedding planning over again, I would ask my girls to be BM's much later in the process, after seeing whether or not they would help me or not, based on the early stage planning. I would probably not have chosen one of the girls as a BM, more b/c we grew apart than anything else. The others would stay.
LisaT
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I'm not a big fan of the list. If they care enough, they'll figure out what they should be doing. If they don't care, no list is going to fix that.
alina
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As to the costs, who pays what...
I don't expect to have either a shower or a bachellorette party, so the only costs that bm's have so far is their dresses and possibly hotel rooms...
For one or two girls I may quietly pay for the hotel room, just b/c they're coming here from so far and are financially strapped now....
Otherwise, I plan to give them small gifts as a Thank You gesture
lulu
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I wouldn't give a list to my BM. I think that may offend some people.
LauraPete
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Alina, Thank you for you honest input. I agree that i could not think of anyway to give someone that information and have it not come across as offensive. I think I read it in Dear Abby or something. I also ask b/c my sister choose her best friend as her MOH and she did SQUAT!!!! I had to do it all (which I did not mind - for my sis I would do anything) but I feel like she should have been forewarned of her responsibilites as such and not just taken the title and run away. But money is always an issue - who pays for what? What is the etiquette here? Dresses, shoes, bridal shower, bachelorette, day of hair and make-up etc.??? When I was a BM I paid for all of that. Is that the correct way?
LisaT
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Re: Bridesmaid Responsibility Check-list
I see being a BM as more of an honor than a responsibility...
I didn't ask people who I thought would do the most for me. I asked those I was closest too. Some were more into wedding planning than others. I don't hold that against anyone.
edited to say: there's no correct way with the money. It depends on the situation of the bride. I've been in parties where my hair & make-up was paid for and others where it was up to me. Showers paid for by the mother or the bridal party, or both. Shoes and dress were always paid for by the BMs (in my experience, but not in all cases)
LauraPete
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good one lisat - i agree.
LauraPete
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thanks alina about the $ response.
LauraPete
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the only reason i mentioned the chosing people who would actually help you is b/c you absolutely need ONE of those people in your party. In my sister's case, she would have been so hurt to know that her best friend (the MOH) was blowing me off and fell off the face of the earth when it came to planning her shower and her surprise bachelorette party. I had to lie to my sis forever and cover for the MOH until the sh** finally hit the fan and i needed to fess up. I couldn't contact any of her friends b/c the MOH had the list and all the phone numbers. In other words, if someone didn't step in, nothing would have happened. Now, my sister will I am sure do the same for me (she is my MOH) but I am just hoping she won't run into the same problems as I did with her friends. I guess there is no way to prevent that, huh?
cw0904
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Re: Bridesmaid Responsibility Check-list
Maybe she could send them a newsletter kind of letting them know what will be going on rather than saying what their 'jobs' are. Like say: when she plans on searching for gowns, having them choose a weekend day that is best for them to meet and try on gowns, sharing all their contact info, providing the mom's info, if she is giving them a brunch or tea outing, when she anticipates to do this and where, a summary of what is planned for the big day (when to meet at her house for pics, makeup-who wants it professionally done, also hair) stuff like this. If she wants them to do something the day of, explain the 'duties' and ask them to respond to her and say which ones they would like to participate in. I will be bold and mention that anything pertaining to the bridal shower or the bachelorette party should be brought up to the attention of the Matron of Honor or my mom. I want it all to be a surprise for me!
I am going to be doing this for my BM's b/c I just want to make sure they know what is going on the day of. I don't want them to be confused.
LauraPete
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That sounds good Wanda. Thanks!
prncssrachel
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I honeslty do not expect much help from my BMs because, well, I am not sure myself what they are supposed to take care of besides my shower. I mean, my sister is my MOH, so I am not worried there, and other than that, I think that whatever they offer to help with is fine. I wouldn't give a list though, it just seems like it might be pushy. But I see no problem with slipping it in at some point, in a very non-chalant way that they are expected to pay for their dresses. But all the girls I picked know that.
Sasha96
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Re: Bridesmaid Responsibility Check-list
If they are looking for some help maybe someone else (mother, other friend, cousin, etc.) could pass along a link to www.bridesmaidaid.com. It may be better not coming from you directly.
Sassy
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I like wanda's suggestion.
michele31
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I didn't give anyone a check-list I did a BM Newsletter though. I had a contact list, bridal shop info, dress ordering info, time line for the day (such as ceremony time, when photos would be starting), shoe info (they all picked their own in black material). I also had a poem in it . honestly Stef did more for me than most of my BMs. And Claud and Cindy helped me (with my MOH) to finish up my candles and programs. I didn't really ask my BMs for much.
Sassy
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I just went on that website that Sasha posted - soooo cute, what a good idea. Here's a link for it: Bridesmaid Aid
dubliner
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no list for me - they all know what needs to be done
I will ask certain people to try to fill a role at the reception - make sure we get all the camera's back - make sure the ketubah & kiddish cup come home etc.
kittyke
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I don't think I would give a 'list of responsibilities' to anyone that I asked to be a part of my wedding - I think it is a little tacky. I don't expect anything from the Bridal Party, so I won't be disappointed. Sorry if that is a little cold
