Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
sandj100304
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Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
I am so confused. My college roommate and I were so close when we were in college. We started drifting apart my junior year but always remained friends. We make sure that we never miss a birthday, even to this day. Every once in a while we made sure we did something together just to catch up.
Now, she lives like 20 minutes from me. We can go months without speaking but when we do speak, it's like a day didn't pass. We always say that we will never go another say 5 months without speaking or seeing each other but it always happens. She is busy and so am I. I have to say that maybe we see each other like 5 times a year (including birthdays). When we do get together, it's like we are the best of friends again. Granted we don't have any of the same friends really but we just have this speacial bond I guess. Hard to explain.
So now is the problem. When I first got engaged in June, she took us out to dinner to celebrate. At that point I was not thinking about asking people to be BM's. She talked the entire time about how she was in all these weddings and how expensive it was and things like that. She had a bunch of weddings coming up.
I was so unsure about asking her to be in my wedding after that because of the additional stress on her and also because it was another few months before we spoke again. After her best friends wedding in October I called her thinking we could get together and I could see how it went and if I should ask her to be a BM. I had already asked the other girls I wanted to. She did not call me back. We went all the way until the day after Christmas without speaking. She IM'd me that day and we ended up hanging out that night. I did not ask her that night because at that point I felt that so much time had passed and it didn't seem right. Besides, she had broken up with her boyfriend (which she never called to tell me and talk about) and was a little depressed. It wasn't the right time anyway.
She came out for my birthday in the beginning of January. My other BM's were there and talking about my wedding. I was sad that she wasn't a part of it and she looked sad as well. I didn't want the girls to talk about it because I felt bad that I didn't ask her. I decided that night that I was going to just ask her because of the saddness I felt that she wasn't a part of the conversations about my wedding.
So I call her the next night so we can get together and I can ask her. She doesn't call back. I call her 2 more times over the course of the next month. Nothing.
She finally calls me last night to apologize for not calling and tells me that her and her boyfriend are back together and she thinks she will be engaged very shortly. I was so excited for her! So we are going to dinner on Wed night to catch up.
Here is my question - is it too late to ask her to be a BM? Should I ask her at all? I am afraid that now she will think I am asking her so she will ask me to be her BM when she gets engaged. I am so confused.
Thanks for any advice you have. I always appreciate your thoughts.
nsgraham
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
Well, it seems like you want to. I would - in the end it wasn't a big deal to me to have an extra BM or two. Or just ask, but give her an easy out - 'I know it can be expensive, so if you can't, I'll understand.'
But you don't have to. You can have her do a reading or something.
sandj100304
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
Thanks. Actually we have one more GM than BM so it would even things out if I asked her. I don't care if it is uneven though.
pinkgirl
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
I think you should ask her (it seems like you want to) and if she mentions anything, just say you were afraid to ask her because she had mentioned how expensive and stressful being in a wedding can be.
Jax430
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
It can really go either way. One of my BMs has been my friend since I was 6. We go months without talking, but always pick up right where we left off when she's in town. On the other hand, my best friend from HS and I rarely talk and see each other. When we do, it's like old times, but I didn't feel like she should be part of my bridal party at this point. In your case, it sounds like she is really important to you and that you want her to be part of it. In that case, you should ask her. If not, give her another honor, like nsgraham said.
pinkgirl
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
BTW, LOVE your Sebastian pic!!!!
leeleelee
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
I think you should ask her b/c you shouldn't have any regrets or be sad about anything having to do with your wedding. I'm sure she will understand that the timing between the two of you has always been off lately and so it was always a bad time to ask. Then present it to her as you'd love her to be in it, but if she'd rather not due to expense, you'll understand, but that you want her to be part of the wedding (a reading would be nice). Friends like that (strong bond) are hard to come by and if you still feel that close to her, just ask..... Good luck. :)
SeptemberBride03
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
You obviously think about it a lot, so I would ask her. You care a lot about her and want her included. There don't seem to be any negatives (like she is a control freak or she doesn't like your FH or any of the things you hear about). I think if you don't you will feel sad the day of when you see her. Just ask her - what is one more?
Xelindrya
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
I'd ask her. I never see my best friend We call eachother maybe twice a year I am the god mother of her child. Friends are friends though.. so she is my MOH Wouldn't have it any other way.
Sometimes life really does just take over.
janwinterbridejoy
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
i would ask her you seem like you want to. but explain to her that you didnt ask her in the beggining because she had so many weddings to go to and be in and you felt that you would be imposing. make sure she knows that it wasnt an after thought.
nferrandi
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
I think you should ask her. If she asks why you hadn't asked sooner, I think you should just tell her the truth. Tell her you remember how she had complained about the expense of wedding, how last time you were together you didn't feel the timing was right, and you thought about it and knew that you would regret not asking her to be a part of on of the most important days of your life.
FeliciaDA
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
I'd say ask her.. Reading your story, it nearly sounds like you are so troubled and consumed by this, and have been thinking about this for so long.. I think that answers your own question.
Deep down I think you DO want her in your BP, you are just worried about her answer. And at least if you ask her, you'll never regret that you didn't ask! (did that make sense?)
As we get older, these situations get so much more difficult , as friendships come and go, and drift apart...
Good Luck!
steph4777
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
I think you should ask her. It seems as though in your heart you want her to be a part of your day.
I had a very similar situation with someone I have been friends with since I can even remember having a friend. Since neither of us had sisters we always said we were sisters. As we got older, families moved, went away to college, etc.... we don't talk that often anymore mostly through email.
When I told her that I was engaged, she was so happy for me. She was like I can't believe my sister is getting married. I knew right then that she had to be a part of my day.
I know I would have regreted not asking her on the simple fact that we don't talk often. In this case it is definitely the quality of the conversations and not quantity.
Good Luck!!
belle31125
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
Ask her! I asked my college roomate... we do the same.. we dont' talk for a couple of months and then when we do and see each other, it's like nothing ever changed...
sandj100304
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
Thanks everyone. I knew you would help. You girls are great!
I do feel sad when I think of her not being a part of it, especially when she asks how the plans are going. I guess I just feel awkward asking her so late (I asked the other girls like 7 months ago). I think I will do it on Wed. We'll see. I will let you know how it goes.
IrishTracy
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
I would ask her while you guys are out. Just say I've been wanting to ask you for a while but, I didn't want to do it over the phone. Good Luck!!
Love your Sebastian avitar. I saw him play Jeckly/Hyde he was AMAZING!!!!
firegal
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
You said that when you guys are together you have a great bond and can talk about anything, etc. If this is the case, I'm sure if you explain that you always wanted to ask her but the timing never seemed right because of the breakup with her boyfriend and then everyone was around at the birthday party and you didn't get a chance to be alone with her, etc.
I'm sure she will understand and I'm sure she will feel honored to be part of your wedding.
bride2B04
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
let me tell u that one of my BM's and I have the same relationship except she know lives out of state but that was not always the case. Let me tell you that there is no way in the world i would not ask her (JMO) we have that bond that one can break and we get togteher its just so much fun i never want to leave. I just saw her a few days ago for about 1 hour and even though it was short it was great!
Ask her it has helped us communicate better since there is alot involoved and i have said repatedly lets not make this an excuse so when i call or she calls we discuss other things first then wedding plans! so its not just a call to do something.
ask her!
charlotte227
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
Ask her it seems you two are still close and still have a tight bond.
OctGroom
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Re: Bridesmaid Situation - need help (very, very long story)
I said No
Only because I'm the type where if there is any doubt I am cautious to do or ask something. I truly beliveve she's a good friend of yours. I truly believe you have a good relationship with each other.
But something is causing you to hesitate.
What I would do is go out with her.. strt a talk abou thte Wedding and she how much she gets inot it. I would hint about what you would want at the wedding and gently mention your briesmaids but not dwell on them too long.
See her verbal reaction... but especially.. WATCH HER BODY LANGUAGE!
If she's like this in the chat, go for it ask her.. if not.. put it off.. test the waters a bit more.. then decide. I know I'm in a big minority here. but that's what I would do.
