Calling it off????

I am trying to figure out if I am just stressed out, or if it is normal to want to call off the wedding.

FH and I had a huge fight last night and its about the same stupid thing we always fight about. But the fights keep getting worse and worse and more frequent with no resolution.

It's not about money, it's about his family and how a$$-backwards I think they do everything. he agrees with me, but never ever confronts them and our holidays wind up getting ruined every year because of it. Combine that with the fact I think he never stands up for himself about anything - family, career, ANYTHING, and I am wondering if this is really going to work out.

I'm sure all of you have fights with FH. How many of you think about calling the whole thing off when it happens?

There is so much stress right now with bills, his family, moving, his new job, etc, and I have no idea if this is going to pass or if I should seriously consider postponing. Anyone else feel this way sometimes?

I guess I'm pretty lucky because I don't have that kind of stuff going on...but, if you do feel that way do you think it might be worth going to counseling?
Sorry you are going through this. Dealing with family stuff on top of all that other stuff can be rough!

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Posted by TheLadyJ

I am trying to figure out if I am just stressed out, or if it is normal to want to call off the wedding.

FH and I had a huge fight last night and its about the same stupid thing we always fight about. But the fights keep getting worse and worse and more frequent with no resolution.

It's not about money, it's about his family and how a$$-backwards I think they do everything. he agrees with me, but never ever confronts them and our holidays wind up getting ruined every year because of it. Combine that with the fact I think he never stands up for himself about anything - family, career, ANYTHING, and I am wondering if this is really going to work out.

I'm sure all of you have fights with FH. How many of you think about calling the whole thing off when it happens?

There is so much stress right now with bills, his family, moving, his new job, etc, and I have no idea if this is going to pass or if I should seriously consider postponing. Anyone else feel this way sometimes?

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omg...girly..before you do anything..definitely..speak to him..calmly!.not yelling and fighting...sit down and talk...explain to him once again how u feel..tell him ..that this pushes u to think..about canceling the wedding.....
think together...bcoz if you do things on ur own..its not gona work out...i mean u getting married...to each other..u will be as one...you need to decide together too!
and if you have problems w family now..u need to work them out beofre hand...


but..good luck hun..hopefully it works out for u!!!
i had many probs..w fh family..coz we lived next door to them...wow...that was tough..sometimes...i just wanted to drop everything and leave....fh taught me that not everything is gona get resolved w canceling leaving ....etc...u need to talk throough it.,..figuer out together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
goodddd luck to u!!!!!!!!!!

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Posted by aliska21
omg...girly..before you do anything..definitely..speak to him..calmly!.not yelling and fighting...sit down and talk...explain to him once again how u feel..tell him ..that this pushes u to think..about canceling the wedding.....
think together...bcoz if you do things on ur own..its not gona work out...i mean u getting married...to each other..u will be as one...and if you have problems w family now..u need to work them out beofre hand...

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We have talked calmly about it, but his way of dealing with things is 100% different from mine. He hates confrontation, and I usually think it is necessary in order to find a solution. So, I think he should do X, Y, or Z (and sometimes he even promises that he will) but he never wants to do it.

He didn't used to be like this. When we first met, if anything happened he was totally on top of it. Like when a sleazy dealer gave me a busted tire on my new car, HE was the one who called and yelled at them until I got a brand new one. When we first met he was always the one to engage in a confrontation if necessary and deal with things. So, it really bugs me that now people walk all over him and he is so unwilling to do anything to defend himself.

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Posted by vicky1125

my FH also has a pretty retarded family. honestly, i don't get involved anymore. it only use to lead to fights between me and him and it's not worth it. i figured i'll let them do what they want and after we get married i'm going to put my foot down with them (or up their a**es, which ever they prefer). i also thought about calling it off cause of them but the devil i know is better then the devil i don't. i'm never going to find someone like him again and i'm not going to let them ruin it.

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Wow, that is a great point. But if you read what I wrote above, it is not just about his family, but how he deals with them. And how he deals with everything. Like, he just wants to leave things alone and let them work out. Which it NEVER does and then I'm taking care of it all

And trust me, I think the same thing as you, which is 'once we are married this isn't going to fly'. And I tried interjecting this week with something and it all went nutty and now his sister isn't speaking to me.

yes i think everyone does at one point , I do it when I am frustrated/ being immature usually bc i did not get my way etc.. but lets talk about what you just wrote,doesnt sound like a real deal breaker situtaion. you are upset bc you disagree about the way FH deals with his family and confrotation. It seems like you just have to reach a common ground and compromise ... this can not happen over night .. it took years before fh and i learned how to deal with certain disagreements, the bottom line : are you both willing to make these same mistakes over and over again and make them better together????

just bc he doesnt suceed doesnt mean he is not trying , it may be a slow process that eventually gets worked out but there has to be some patience and most of all understanding.

you talk about bills, moving, jobs ,..those are all positive/normal daily activities that are ALWAYS going to be present , tackle one situation at a time do not bulk everything together it will only make you non productive


its an uphill battle and you and fh have to decide if you are going to fight it together ...

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Posted by PROBM

doesnt sound like a real deal breaker situtaion. you are upset bc you disagree about the way FH deals with his family and confrotation. It seems like you just have to reach a common ground and compromise ... this can not happen over night .. it took years before fh and i learned how to deal with certain disagreements the bottom line : are you both willing to make these same mistakes over and over again and make them better together????

just bc he doesnt suceed doesnt mean he is not trying , it may be a slow process that eventually gets worked out

its an uphill battle tand you and fh have to decide if yu are going to fight together ...

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agreed...
good luck hun!!!!!!!!!! tell us how it goes...dont cancel anything yet..ok!....

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Posted by vicky1125

my FH also has a pretty retarded family. honestly, i don't get involved anymore. it only use to lead to fights between me and him and it's not worth it. i figured i'll let them do what they want and after we get married i'm going to put my foot down with them (or up their a**es, which ever they prefer). i also thought about calling it off cause of them but the devil i know is better then the devil i don't. i'm never going to find someone like him again and i'm not going to let them ruin it.

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Wow, that is a great point. But if you read what I wrote above, it is not just about his family, but how he deals with them. And how he deals with everything. Like, he just wants to leave things alone and let them work out. Which then NEVER do and then I'm taking care of it all

And trust me, I think the same thing as you, which is 'once we are married this isn't going to fly'. And I tried interjecting this week with something and it all went nutty and now his sister isn't speaking to me.

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well my FH doesn't deal with his fam well either. which is where my problem is. they walk all over him. our wedding date was changed from 09/14/08 to 06/07/09 cause his sister was prego and due aug. '08 and his selfish mother said if you don't change the wedidng then i'm not coming. his sister couldnt come cause she lives in NC. there was hell in our house for 3 months cause of this. and this wasnt the first thing we had to move for them but it is the last. he didnt stand up for me which is where the problem was. needless to say i don't speak to his sister or mother much another. i'm civil with them but we were really close before that all happened. my trick for not letting them rule over him is being supportive of him and then slowly easing him over to my side. men don't respond well to anger or loud voices i've noticed.

honestly, you're going to have to except that this is the person he is, take it or leave it. but is it really worth loosing him over? would therapy help?

I always like to think Fh and I are able to communicate, so I never really thought therapy would help. But, when I started thinking it would be a good idea, and he finally came around to the idea, we agreed he would find someone.

Well, he was supposed to do alot of things such as 'call person X' or 'ask person Y' and he never did any of that. So, we wound up never going to see a third party for some objective counselling. Sounds like a lame excuse, but for me it is just another example of how he doesn't take initiative and do what he promises.

I'm not about to change him. I know that is not possible. This is who he is now, and it frustrates me that he has no desire to kick butt anymore. I'm not about to make him choose him family or me. I could never do that. But I also know I cannot spend the next 50 years dealing with his family's antics. Or with his inability to confront people who take advantage of him. Or his lack of initiative. I just feel like he got so lazy about EVERYTHING.

hating your inlaws is not uncommon ... its a part of life that many many people deal with so support groups for such an issue is not a problem.

why dont you make the appointment or find someone to talk to ? just because he is being passive doesnt mean thats how he will be forever especially if thats how he was in the begining

i would never make FH chose either but his mother did make him choose and i told her to her face if she ever did that again then she can have him.

my FH also use to say he was going to do something and then didn't. and after we spoke about everything calmly, he had his own reasons as to why he didn't do them. he felt under appreciated and therefore didn't want to do anything. maybe your FH has some underlying reasons as to why he's changed.

i've learned to pick my battles. if i ask him to do something and he doesnt i just do it myself, it's easier then fighting over it.

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Posted by TheLadyJ

I always like to think Fh and I are able to communicate, so I never really thought therapy would help. But, when I started thinking it would be a good idea, and he finally came around to the idea, we agreed he would find someone.

Well, he was supposed to do alot of things such as 'call person X' or 'ask person Y' and he never did any of that. So, we wound up never going to see a third party for some objective counselling. Sounds like a lame excuse, but for me it is just another example of how he doesn't take initiative and do what he promises.

I'm not about to change him. I know that is not possible. This is who he is now, and it frustrates me that he has no desire to kick butt anymore. I'm not about to make him choose him family or me. I could never do that. But I also know I cannot spend the next 50 years dealing with his family's antics. Or with his inability to confront people who take advantage of him. Or his lack of initiative. I just feel like he got so lazy about EVERYTHING.

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I think it's great that you are looking to speak to someone to work through this. That is the first indication that this could work.

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Posted by PROBM

hating your inlaws is not uncommon ... its a part of life that many many people deal with so support groups for such an issue is not a problem.

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I actually really love his parents. They are wonderful people who have been loving and welcoming to me since day 1. it is more about his siblings. And I don't hate his siblings. I just wish they weren't so fond of drama. And I just wish they would respect FH alot more for all the things he does for his familly.

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Posted by vicky1125
i've learned to pick my battles. if i ask him to do something and he doesnt i just do it myself, it's easier then fighting over it.

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Wow, that is totally not me. I admire you for being able to do that, but I firmly believe if you say you are going to do something, then you do it. I am simply not that easy-going. And I hold FH to that same standard. I really resent when he can't do what he promised. I mean, last week he was sick so when he was unable to do his portion of the housework, so I of course understood and did his share. But otherwise, I usually resent when things are not done like he promised.

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Posted by TheLadyJ

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Posted by PROBM

hating your inlaws is not uncommon ... its a part of life that many many people deal with so support groups for such an issue is not a problem.

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I actually really love his parents. They are wonderful people who have been loving and welcoming to me since day 1. it is more about his siblings. And I don't hate his siblings. I just wish they weren't so fond of drama. And I just wish they would respect FH alot more for all the things he does for his familly.

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FH's sister is the same exact way. he does so much for her and their mom and she does nothing and says he's a fing ahole. you just have to ignore it. it's not your place to stand up for him to his siblings.

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Posted by vicky1125
you just have to ignore it. it's not your place to stand up for him to his siblings.

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Awwe, I can't ignore it. One because his siblings always manage to take advantage which screws up what we wanted to do. There are so many times we had to sacrifice and change our plans to accomodate them. And he says it is easier to just go along with them rather than cause I fight. But I disagree because then it turns into an inconvenience for us.

And two, I feel that as his wife to be I will always defend him. It really kills me what they say to him and how much they talk about him behind his back. I get so mad on his behalf at how they act. And he doesn't say ANYTHING to them when they gang up on him.

Can I just say I really appreciate you ladies taking the time to talk with me about this. I don't want to talk with people who know us because I don't want them asking a gozillion questions about everything. So it really means the world to me to be able to talk with you and vent a little about all the craziness.

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Posted by TheLadyJ

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Posted by vicky1125
you just have to ignore it. it's not your place to stand up for him to his siblings.

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Awwe, I can't ignore it. One because his siblings always manage to take advantage which screws up what we wanted to do. There are so many times we had to sacrifice and change our plans to accomodate them. And he says it is easier to just go along with them rather than cause I fight. But I disagree because then it turns into an inconvenience for us.

And two, I feel that as his wife to be I will always defend him. It really kills me what they say to him and how much they talk about him behind his back. I get so mad on his behalf at how they act. And he doesn't say ANYTHING to them when they gang up on him.

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i'm right there with you on the changing things for them part. that's why the wedding is the last thing i changed for them. i literally had to change things for his 30th b-day cause his sister decided to go on vaca. i will not change another thing, if she can't be there too bad. i really don't think you and your FH should have to change your plans for them. i think that's something your FH needs to come to terms with, i'm sure you guys don't expect them to jump around your schedule and they shouldn't expect it from you.

i know it's hard to ignore, believe me. but my cousin got divorved after 4 months of marriage cause of this type of sh*t. the smartest thing he ever told me was 'you handle your family and let him handle his family'. i know he doesn't handle them well but it's his family and this is how things were before you entered his life, you're not going to change it, he has to do it on his own.

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Posted by vicky1125

i know it's hard to ignore, believe me. but my cousin got divorved after 4 months of marriage cause of this type of sh*t. the smartest thing he ever told me was 'you handle your family and let him handle his family'. i know he doesn't handle them well but it's his family and this is how things were before you entered his life, you're not going to change it, he has to do it on his own.

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Wow, that's really good advice. Thanks. i just feel like they weren't always like this. It is only recently his siblings have banded together to make him the bad guy. And it is getting more and more frequent that their antics are causing a giant rift between the two of us. I've always been fiercely protective of the people I love. He is no exception.

But I honestly wonder if loving him is enough to deal with everything else.

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Posted by TheLadyJ

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Posted by vicky1125

i know it's hard to ignore, believe me. but my cousin got divorved after 4 months of marriage cause of this type of sh*t. the smartest thing he ever told me was 'you handle your family and let him handle his family'. i know he doesn't handle them well but it's his family and this is how things were before you entered his life, you're not going to change it, he has to do it on his own.

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Wow, that's really good advice. Thanks. i just feel like they weren't always like this. It is only recently his siblings have banded together to make him the bad guy. And it is getting more and more frequent that their antics are causing a giant rift between the two of us. I've always been fiercely protective of the people I love. He is no exception.

But I honestly wonder if loving him is enough to deal with everything else.

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i've always believed in protecting my family, including him, & there have been many, many times when i've wanted to tell his sister to shove it but family is family. at the end of the day he and her would make up and she & i would probably be on horrible terms. you can't let his family get in between you guys, it's honestly not worth it. that's why i keep my mouth shut.

as far as loving him enough to make it worth it, that's something you have to look deep inside yourself and make a decision. my cousin unfortunatley did it too late, but i don't suggest getting married if you're really unsure. and i mean unsure on a daily basis, not just cause you guys had an argument.

Thanks so much Vicky (and everybody). You have really calmed me down and have also given me alot to think about.

The fact is, after every fight I begin to question what the heck is going on and if we are making a mistake. We never used to fight. And now it seems like there is always something to fight about. I have these feelings about every other week and I have no idea if they are normal, if I am overreacting, or if I need to listen to them.