Calling it off????

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Posted by TheLadyJ

Thanks so much Vicky (and everybody). You have really calmed me down and have also given me alot to think about.

The fact is, after every fight I begin to question what the heck is going on and if we are making a mistake. We never used to fight. And now it seems like there is always something to fight about. I have these feelings about every other week and I have no idea if they are normal, if I am overreacting, or if I need to listen to them.

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everything will work out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! think positive and be happy!!! hun!!!
we are here for u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I truly believe in premarital counseling. I have to do it for my church, but I think I'd do it either way. I disagree with a lot of things his family does, but I have to remember that just because things are different from the way I was raised, doesn't make it wrong. His parents and mine are different personality, financially, professionally, geographically, politically, religion, and ethnicity. And while I often say our way is right, that's not true, it's just different.
Now, I do believe it is best to reconsider the marriage now, rather than after an expensive and emotional wedding, but I don't think his family should be the deciding factor.

In any relationship there will always be disagreements and issues. Even those who are married 20 years or more or just married couples period. So if having disagreements is the problem then just know that no matter who you are with there will always be sometime in your life where you fight, you dont agree on things and have different views. There are no relationships out there where people NEVER fight, some do more than others. YOu just have to evaluate the situation and see what you are disagreeing about. Are these things that you simply just can't live with, is the problem with his family messing up holidays enough for you to walk away. Are you willing to lose this person bc of that reason for example. You just have to go over things yourself and see which is more important to you. Are the holidays getting messed up more important or your FH, which would you rather have what cant you live with or without. There are times that yes I do believe that certain disagreements means that maybe you shouldn't be together such as somebody disrespecting you, somebody not appreciating you at all, all things that when you evaluate you think ok i am more important than that and before anything i need to put my needs first and not be in a situation where i am not happy or not being respected.

Every relationship you have to take the good with the bad. We all deal with it and just have to find ways to make that one situation work. Even if its not him, and lets say you were to meet someone else then they have their own issues to deal with. You can't walk away anytime there is a problem bc thats why relationships won't last or should say don't last. Its the obstacles you do overcome that do make you a stronger couple, and know that during your life together you will face many challenges, so even this one issue gets worked out others will always come around. You just have to decide for yourself what is more important, the issue at hand or your relationship. There are some situations where the relationship is more important but some where the issue is more important bc you feel with whatever the issue is that its not worth dealing with for the relationship. This is a more extreme case but lets say a relationship where one person was very controlling and disrespectful then you have to say to yourself that your self-respect and how you are treated is more important.

Sorry you are going through it but I think it's great you're really trying to think it through ahead and make sure you are doing the right thing - I know it is easy to get ****** into the drama of planning and not reflect (sometimes the opposite too)

but I wanted to ask - do you think it's b/c he has become too comfortable with or dependent on you, that if you were to take a break (and not in the break-up type of way) but just to spend a month or so focused on yourselves, that he might jump start himself back into action - it just seems that even if you keep his family out of it - a lot of it is you being unhappy with the way he moves through the world now - but since he didn't use to be that way- something must have changed and let him try to figure out why. . .is he happy in general right now?

I'm so sorry you are going through this....

I was married before and we eloped. We had been fighting about the same stuff you seem to be fighting about. His family, my family, his lack of motivation, lack of a spine, what should be important, ect.

I thought for some reason things would change once we got married. WRONG!

We planned our big wedding and everything was paid for. Things hadn't gotten much better and I suggested conseling. And like your FH he was supposed to call this one and that one and I even gave him the numbers but wanted to see if he would call and take it seriously.

He finally called and we went to one session. He sat there arguing with me the entire time. There was no talking and when we left he promised to try and be better and yada yada and that he would do what the the therpist suggested. But we didn't need to talk to someone else about our problems.

Long story short....nothing changed. Nothing was taking serously and four weeks before my 'BIG' wedding...I called it all off.

I don't want to be negative nancy but rarely do people change. I think conseling is a great idea to try. Sometimes it can help people open their eyes and they do make an effort, other times they just go through the motions to shut us up.

I really belive that if people have serious doubts, not everyday bickering crap, then you need to take a step back and look at the situation. Looking back now, I knew I should've never married him, broke up years and years before. But I just always thought he'd become the man I hoped for.

You have to listen to your heart on this. Please take your time. Try therapy. Try talking. Do all you can. Don't leave yourself with regrets. If you really feel that its just not right for you, then you have to have the strength and courage to walk away. Know that life gets better and there if he isn't the one for you, it doesn't make him a bad guy or you a failure. Its your happiness in the long run that matters.

I found my happiness now and I wouldn't change a thing about my past. But as the saying goes, if I knew then what I know now....

Good luck with everything.

If you need a good therapist...the guy I used was great, down to earth, and you would never think he was a therapist. He's kinda the man's man and he seems to make men comfortable opening up. At least thats the feedback I get from other couples who used him!

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Posted by Mmnnng

If you need a good therapist...the guy I used was great, down to earth, and you would never think he was a therapist. He's kinda the man's man and he seems to make men comfortable opening up. At least thats the feedback I get from other couples who used him!

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Do you happen to have a name & Number? And where is he located?