Can anyone help me with a tactful way to tell my mother to back off?

Can anyone help me with a tactful way to tell my mother to back off?

My mom is a pretty outspoken, opinionated person, and since I got engaged, she has said she would let me have whatever I wanted for my wedding. However, she's already vetoed several of my decisions. She's vetoed my cake topper (the Fortunoff bride choking the groom), song w/ my dad (Surfer Girl - he took my to my first concert which was the Beach Boys), even the DJ. My FH and I are paying for almost the entire wedding ourselves, but she still has opinions on everything. Now, since we're having an early wedding, she wants to have an after party at her house with her friends, and is insisting that my FH and I go to it. We've already been planning with our friends to go to the hotel next door to continue the party. Frank says he won't go to my mom's party, and I'm not going to force him to. Overall, I think my mom's more concerned about impressing her country club friends than she is in letting me do what I want. I don't know how to tell her to back off without getting in a huge fight. Sorry this is so long. Help! Any suggestions?

Re: Can anyone help me with a tactful way to tell my mother to back off?

The only thing I can say is not to let her be invovled in the decisions or go to the vendor meetings with you.

Can the after parties be combined at the hotel? If that's not what you want, then tell her nicely that you appreciate the offer but DH & I will be doing 'this'.

I know my mother was all wrapped up with getting people together because she was so excited about everything and everyone being together. The pre/after parties were a chance for everyone you don't see too often to catch up and talk about the wedding.

GOod luck

Re: Can anyone help me with a tactful way to tell my mother to back off?

As long as she is not paying for the whole thing you don't have to do what she says.. We jokingly told my mom 'Any suggestion you want costs $1,000' We are lucky though because my parents and fil's know that it is our day and we have to do what we want. FI simply tells his mom if she says' Well you know most people do this or you should do this...' he just says NO.

Re: Can anyone help me with a tactful way to tell my mother to back off?

Re: Can anyone help me with a tactful way to tell my mother to back off?

You can say something like,

'Mom, I love you very much and I know you're very excited about the wedding, but this is MY special day, and I have been waiting for it for a long time. I want to share my ideas and excitement with you every step of the way, but my FH and I are going to make choices that are best for the both of us, and I'm sorry if you may not agree with everything we're doing. Your feelings are important to us, but we have to do this our way. I'm sure you felt the same way about your own wedding. I hope I can still count on you to be happy for us and support us in whatever we choose to do.'

That ought to do it.....

If not, you may have to have it out with her! (just kidding). It sounds like she's just getting swept up in the excitement and is getting caught up in everything a little too much. It will all work out!

Good luck!

KarenM

PS: Get the cake topper YOU want most, and everything else for that matter. This is YOUR day.

Re: Can anyone help me with a tactful way to tell my mother to back off?

If you aren't close with any of your mothers friends (ie people you grew up with and grew up with their kids..) why should your mother make you spend you day with her friends? Explain to her that you have no association with these people other than the quick hello/ how are you doing. If your mom is very concerned about having you spend even more time with them, maybe she can do a brunch or something after you get back from the HM to meet with them again. And if they are your mothers friend, they'll spend their time talking to your mom not you anyway! And let's not forget if they don't even know your FH!!!