Can I please have some advice?

My FH and I got in a fight about his e-mail password last night. We were looking at something on our laptop, and he went to sign into his e-mail account and COVERED THE KEYS WHILE HE TYPED IT!!! I was SO upset. It's not that I NEED to know it (I would NEVER use it), but why on EARTH would he feel the NEED to hide it from me? He said 'there are some things we need to keep private'. Are there?!? I don't think so! I was soooo upset. He was right, though, that he opened his mail in front of me, so he's obviously not hiding anything. But, for whatever reason, this is an issue to him. I was sitting on the couch, upset about this, and without my prompting, he finally told me what it was, and then stormed up to bed. We didn't watch our shows together, didn't say good night, he didn't say goodbye this morning. I didn't sleep all night (I don't think he did either). This really upset me. I still haven't heard from him. I was just interested in hearing opinions of girls who are in the same stage of relationship as me.. my fellow brides! I am SO secure in my relationship with my FH... we are SO happy together... we are IN LOVE with each other... we do EVERYTHING together. I think that's why THIS stupid e-mail issue shocked the heck out of me. Not that I would EVER, in a MILLION YEARS, sign into his e-mail and use his password. I NEVER would. I just can't believe he covered the keyboard to HIDE it from me!

Sorry for the long vent... I would really like some advice/thoughts. Thank you!

He didn't need to hide it from you. That was an awkward moment. It sounds like it blew up bigger than it should have.

We know each other's passwords to everything. Dh even goes into my email and forwards jokes to his email before I get to read them!

I don't care.

Everything I have private I conduct on my work email anyway and nobody has that password.

I understand his desire to have privacy but, I think the issues sounds more like the fact that he deliberately wouldn't let you see his password. If he typed normally, it wouldn't be an issue.

My FH and I haven't exchanged email passwords, he can access mine though (my work one) since I have a Treo and he just has to press a button and I can access his because he has a book of passwords which he told me I now can write my passwords in. I choose not to read them because they are his and I know he's not hiding anything.

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I understand his desire to have privacy but, I think the issues sounds more like the fact that he deliberately wouldn't let you see his password. If he typed normally, it wouldn't be an issue.

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exactly

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Posted by sarahradio5

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I understand his desire to have privacy but, I think the issues sounds more like the fact that he deliberately wouldn't let you see his password. If he typed normally, it wouldn't be an issue.

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exactly

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exactly is right and i think THAT was the part that bothered you and i think you have a right to be a little shocked and a little bugged by it b/c that was an awkward moment...

i would just be very frank about it, not try to make it into a million other things, just keep on the point that it was the HIDING it (rather than just quickly typing it in like no big deal) over the 'I need to know'... I would just say, that was all that bothered me, I was caught off guard. And I would add, I didn't think it was the appropriate way to handle that by just telling me what it was and storming upstairs. That did not need to happen and since you didn't say I need to know what it is WHY did he tell you?

I would tell him that and say just to make sure I want you to change it from what you told me it was because I don't NEED to know and I trust you, however, its odd that you need to 'cover' it up in front of me and most importantly, when there's an issue--talk to me about it, and lets not go to bed angry with each other either, that's not the correct way to effectively communicate and handle issues. (easier said than done of course when people are worked up but TRY in the future).

HTH!! good luck sweetie

edited, grammar lol

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Posted by STBMrsDaniRella

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Posted by sarahradio5

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I understand his desire to have privacy but, I think the issues sounds more like the fact that he deliberately wouldn't let you see his password. If he typed normally, it wouldn't be an issue.

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exactly

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exactly is right and i think THAT was the part that bothered you and i think you have a right to be a little shocked and a little bugged by it b/c that was an awkward moment...

i would just be very frank about it, not try to make it into a million other things, just keep on the point that it was the HIDING it (rather than just quickly typing it in like no big deal) over the 'I need to know'... I would just say, that was all that bothered me, I was caught off guard. And I would add, I didn't think it was the appropriate way to handle that by just telling me what it was and storming upstairs. That did not need to happen and since you didn't say I need to know what it is WHY did he tell you?

I would tell him that and say just to make sure I want you to change it from what you told me it was because I don't NEED to know and I trust you, however, it odd that you need to 'cover' it up in front of me and most importantly, when there's an issue--talk to me about it, and don't lets not go to bed angry with each other either, that's not the correct way to effectively communicate and handle issues. (easier said than done of course when people are worked up but TRY in the future).

HTH!! good luck sweetie

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thank you... I just called him. I actually told him all that... that it was the way he covered it up. I told him to change it again and never tell me what it is, I don't care. I sweared UP AND DOWN that even by knowing it, I would NEVER sign into his account. EVER. That's not me. I've heard horror stories of what some other girls do with e-mail and phone passwords... that's not ME. He told me that his psycho ex-wife used his password to send e-mails to people and would always check his inbox. SO, I guess he's projecting past issues with his wife on me. He said last night completely reminded him of his ex, and he does NOT want that again. I told him I'm not his ex, and after three years, he should know that by now. I apologized for not understanding the need for privacy with regard to a stupid password, but told him I was still hurt at the way he hid it. But, I told him this is stupid and we just have to move past it. He's still pissed. My call to him did NOT fix this. I'm so upset. .

On the surface you have one thing.

The guy protects his privacy

Under the surface there's a different story. (not to overanalyze which I always do).

Under the surface: control issues (hiding the password)

Passive aggressive behavior (telling you, storming off like you're the jerk. Continuing to not talk to you).

You did nothing wrong but then he made you feel like you did which probably made you feel guilty and angry.

Controlling/passive aggressive behavior will make you insane because you always ending thinking you're the problem when you're not. If you want to discuss the problem the passive aggressive person is like: 'I don't have a problem you have the problem.'

The fact that he 'stayed mad' over something stupid screams that he's setting the boundaries in a pretty crummy place.

Be careful, I do not deal with this sort of behavior anymore.

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Posted by ginaandtommy06

On the surface you have one thing.

The guy protects his privacy

Under the surface there's a different story. (not to overanalyze which I always do).

Under the surface: control issues (hiding the password)

Passive aggressive behavior (telling you, storming off like you're the jerk. Continuing to not talk to you).

You did nothing wrong but then he made you feel like you did which probably made you feel guilty and angry.

Controlling/passive aggressive behavior will make you insane because you always ending thinking you're the problem when you're not. If you want to discuss the problem the passive aggressive person is like: 'I don't have a problem you have the problem.'

The fact that he 'stayed mad' over something stupid screams that he's setting the boundaries in a pretty crummy place.

Be careful, I do not deal with this sort of behavior anymore.

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yes yes yes... i couldn't agree more, he should be happy that you are trying to resolve this and move past it and taking the right steps to ensure his privacy yet still get your feelings across... and most of all, he should never bring up his ex whether what you did reminded him or not. that's not needed and you are trying to communicate the right way, come to a nice comprimise, meet him half way and he's not responding and treating you with the same respect you are showing him... that's not fair to you.
i really hope he cools off a little, realizes, and gives you a call so that you can actually TALK instead of just getting upset which won't solve anything... good luck!!!!

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Posted by STBMrsDaniRella

yes yes yes... i couldn't agree more, he should be happy that you are trying to resolve this and move past it and taking the right steps to ensure his privacy yet still get your feelings across... and most of all, he should never bring up his ex whether what you did reminded him or not. that's not needed and you are trying to communicate the right way, come to a nice comprimise, meet him half way and he's not responding and treating you with the same respect you are showing him... that's not fair to you.
i really hope he cools off a little, realizes, and gives you a call so that you can actually TALK instead of just getting upset which won't solve anything... good luck!!!!

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thank you . He took my wanting to know his password as my not trusting him, which I DO completely. He's not the easiest person in the world, but I always forgive him for stupid little things - and even some big things. I do SOOOOO much for him... it just hurts that during those rare arguments where HE feels wronged, it takes SO MUCH for him to forgive me. (even though I was hurt in this argument, too). When I forgive him, it's done. Forgotten. We're better for the future. Laugh at something, and have a good rest of the day. When he's mad at ME, it's like I'm punished ALL DAY. I know he just takes awhile to come to terms, and he will in time and things will be fine. I just hate having to go through the day like this. I can't do ANYTHING else.

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Posted by sarahradio5

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Posted by STBMrsDaniRella

yes yes yes... i couldn't agree more, he should be happy that you are trying to resolve this and move past it and taking the right steps to ensure his privacy yet still get your feelings across... and most of all, he should never bring up his ex whether what you did reminded him or not. that's not needed and you are trying to communicate the right way, come to a nice comprimise, meet him half way and he's not responding and treating you with the same respect you are showing him... that's not fair to you.
i really hope he cools off a little, realizes, and gives you a call so that you can actually TALK instead of just getting upset which won't solve anything... good luck!!!!

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thank you . He took my wanting to know his password as my not trusting him, which I DO completely. He's not the easiest person in the world, but I always forgive him for stupid little things - and even some big things. I do SOOOOO much for him... it just hurts that during those rare arguments where HE feels wronged, it takes SO MUCH for him to forgive me. (even though I was hurt in this argument, too). When I forgive him, it's done. Forgotten. We're better for the future. Laugh at something, and have a good rest of the day. When he's mad at ME, it's like I'm punished ALL DAY. I know he just takes awhile to come to terms, and he will in time and things will be fine. I just hate having to go through the day like this. I can't do ANYTHING else.

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yeah, i had the same thing with a guy i used to date, he wanted me to snap back into place like a rubberband after he hurt me but god forbig i made a mistake with him--it was like a never ending thing which isn't fair...
the guy i was with used to feed off of the fact that it would bother me like this seems to be bothering you so try and put it out of your head and take things for what it is and not make a huge thing out of it, just do what you have to do to get through the day and when you see him or he calls you just keep it simple, 'i was caught off guard by the 'hiding' it but don't need to know it, just felt it was a little odd--maybe i'm off base here but we need to just forgive each other and let it go and move on' if you try a non-provoking message like that USUALLY guys come around but don't let it get to you too much--it will def work out!!!

thank you, girls! I appreciate it, and I love that I have this website to turn to for GREAT things... and stinky things! (This was one of the stinky things.) Happy to report all is well now. He just called to tell me he loved me and was sorry.

That one was a DOOSEY! Thanks for helping me out! You girls RULE!

(I was afraid for awhile that this argument was gonna last into the weekend and the Anniversary Party! Thank God, it's OVER!) I want the chocolate fountains! lol