Can you 'fire' BM's? Please help!!!!

I am at the point where I am very frustrated and upset and I do not know what to do.

I have 6 bridesmaids which includes my sister (MOH). I have 4 life long friends. And then there is...

FSIL and FH's SIL Honestly, I asked them more as a courtesy. Their kids are in the wedding party as the FG and ring bearer.
But...With the both of them, everything down to the shoes is a problem.
They refused to contribute anything to the upcoming shower...they both actually sent my sister an almost identical e-mail stating basically how dare my sister ask them to contribute. They have set a budget for the wedding and any contributions to a shower does not include that..(plus had to add that their bridesmaids did not contribute to their shower). They also do not want to contribute to a group gift from my bridesmaids and would prefer to just get their own gift. (BTW, I do not know when my shower is, just this drama that is going on bc my sister and mom are upset)

And now there is the bachelorette party. Honestly, I figured they would not come out the whole time and figured they would not be that interested in anything we choose. FH's SIL already told my sister that if we go in to the city she would leave after dinner and not go out after.

SO...i talked to my sister and all of my friends who are bridesmaids and we decided on Mohegan Sun for an overnight girls package they have which is only offered during the week, which all 4 can go. I figure some people may not be able to stay the night and could possibly just come for the day. It is not far. Well, FH's SIL within 2 seconds that it sounds like a blast but she will not be coming. And then FSIL told my sister 'isn't that too close?' ugh..'i don't know' and then just cut my sister off and had to get off the phone. So i mean, it is 4 months away, I feel like they didn't have to nix it right away and oculd have at least thought about it.

So at this point, my feelings are hurt. Hurt in that I do not feel like they are the slightest bit interested in being in the wedding as a bridesmaid for me. I don't feel like I expect much, but I would like to see a litle enthusiasm, let alone interest. But they are not interested in the shower or the bachelorette party and I would think those are some main components to being a bridesmaid as well as being there just to talk to and not stir up drama.

So if all they are doing is walking down the aisle at my wedding, do I even need to have them as bridesmaids? I know they are my future inlaws, but I almost feel like if they knew it was going to be a financial burden and knew they were going to have to set a budget, maybe they could have declined when I asked in the beginning. I would not have been insulted at all.

Would it be ok to sit down with them both and let them know this? I mean, not say 'I don't want you as a BM' but maybe turn it around and say how 'I realize they have their families and I didn't realize it would cause a financial burden for them and if they would rather not be BM, I would totally understand, but at the same time, if they chose to remain BM and continue to not be involved in anything, it would hurt me more

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! I am going nuts over here!

Re: Can you 'fire' BM's? Please help!!!!

This is sticky.

First off, it wasn't until this board that I ever heard of bridesmaids contributing toward a shower....it was always something the Mother of the Bride hosted. So that is something to consider. Finances are a big deal to everyone right now.

I know you're disappointed and you have a right to be....what I've learned from this process is that you learn who will truly have your back. With that said, be grateful that you have 4 women who are unflinching in their loyalty and support. There are no words to truly describe that. The other 2....I wouldn't ask them to leave the party, they are your future family. You just know where to place them in the heirarchy of your relationships. It's ok, we live and learn. My FSIL and SIL (brother's wife) are both in my bridal party and I had low expectations....they haven't known me as long as my other girls have and I can't expect as much.

My long winded answer, I'll cut it short. You will have an amazing bachelorette get away and people who TRULY love you will always be there for you. You're a lucky girl and don't let this cloud this beautiful time. You are building a relationship with the other two...maybe they will rise to the challenge on the actual day of.

Maybe talk to them one on one and tell them you really were hoping this process would bring you closer....maybe have dinner together and chat, maybe they can help put together a 'how well do you know your groom' trivia. Build the bridge sweetie. Everything will be ok.

Re: Can you 'fire' BM's? Please help!!!!

I think if you sat down with them and presented it like you suggested it would give them an out if they wanted it. . other than that I would say just expect nothing from them b.c if you asked them as a courtesy they probably just said yes as a courtesy so are probably not as excited about it as your friends who are excited b/c it's you and such. . so I would give them an out. .and then just say. okay probably all they are doing is going to walk down the aisle and leave it at that. .

Re: Can you 'fire' BM's? Please help!!!!

Talk to them and tell them that you dont need them in the wedding (but say it nicely). I dont understand why they agreed to it at all doesnt sound like there interested.

Re: Can you 'fire' BM's? Please help!!!!

I'd just leave it how it is. Your bachelorette party will be so much more fun without them as party poopers...and if they did come you know all they would do is stir up more drama and ruin your day.

Its easier to just leave it how it is since they will be your family for the rest of your life.

Re: Can you 'fire' BM's? Please help!!!!

Ouch..

So far everyone's given great advice.

I actually don't think you should say anything to them...They could be offended, and you know what? Let them act like A-holes and just brush it off and focus on the positive things going on.
I think 'firing' them for the wedding is only going to lead to far more problems down the line.
You marry the family, remember that. I would be the bigger person, forgive and brush it off. I'm sure it's disappointing, but truly these women will be in your life for so many years to come, I don't think it's worth fighting over. If they don't want to be in your BP they will tell you. I wouldn't put words in their mouth.
Hope this helps

Re: Can you 'fire' BM's? Please help!!!!

Unfortunately, it sounds like they only accepted because they felt familial obligation to do so. I would try to disassociate from them as much as possible, and for all intents and purposes, you have 4 BMs and 2 girls who showed up wearing the same dress, you know what I mean? It s/ucks, but try not to let it stress you out too much, and just treat them as figureheads, not your real BP, and make all of your plans accordingly.

Re: Can you 'fire' BM's? Please help!!!!

Thanks everyone for your great advice

After thinking more about this, I personally just want to not say anything at all and just keep in the back of my mind what is going on, but if any more situations occur and I feel the time is right, I may open my mouth involuntarily which is probably where my foot will go! I am going to try my hardest just to keep it shut since I will be dealing with them forever basically and don't want to burn bridges.

I kind of just have to tell my mom and sister to get over it too, bc they are on the 'tell them' boat. I mean, if I can get over it, they will have to also. I am the one who has to deal with them, my mom and sister don't have to talk to them much once the wedding is over, but I do.

Thanks again. It feels good to vent on here because you can have so many different, helpful perspectives