Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

Ronkonkomonga Posted: Sep 09, 2004 11:35 AM

Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

I asked a good friend to be a BM. I knew she was kind of cheap (even though her dad is currently having a house built in nantucket), Her cheapness actually got worse once she starting living with this even more cheap guy in Ohio.

I called her today, and we were talking about how much I should send to another out of state wedding I was invited to, but that I can't attend. It went something like this:

me: 'I'm sending $50 since I cant attend the wedding.'

cheapo: '$50.. sounds ok, thats how much I usually give per person when I go to a wedding'

me: 'Oh, you mean thats how much you gave for that afternoon wedding in Alabama you went to.'

cheapo: 'No thats how much I usually give per person at any wedding.'

me: 'wow - that doesn't even cover the plates here, I usually give $100 a person'

cheapo: '100 bucks! thats how much parents are supposed to give.'

Then I call my FH, who has a good laugh about it, and we started thinking that we should just have family in the wedding party to avoid the drama that will probably ensue. I don't think she would care either way if I tell her we are only having family in the wedding party - she actually told me when I asked her to be in it that she is only in my wedding because its me, and this is the last wedding she ever wants to be in because she is tired of them.

CaCRmr Posted: Sep 09, 2004 11:39 AM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

She could be considered cheap but you obviously chose her to be in you BP for a reason. Let it go

divabride Posted: Sep 09, 2004 11:42 AM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

Im a little confused about whats going on. I do agree that your friend is a bit on the cheap side, but LI weddings are totally different than any other wedding. We tend to give a bit more, but with reason . But why dont you want her to be in your wedding party? Will she be able to cover her costs? If she cant, then I agree that you should only have family in your wedding party. But if its the cash gift that you are talking about, I dont think thats a reason to kick someone out of your party. Either way, I probably wouldnt want to have in her in my bridal party because she doesnt sound too enthusiastic about it. It sounds as if she is doing you the favor and is not honored to stand next to you. Good luck and let us know the outcome!!

stacy&joe Posted: Sep 09, 2004 11:44 AM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

Posted by divabride

Im a little confused about whats going on. I do agree that your friend is a bit on the cheap side, but LI weddings are totally different than any other wedding. We tend to give a bit more, but with reason . But why dont you want her to be in your wedding party? Will she be able to cover her costs? If she cant, then I agree that you should only have family in your wedding party. But if its the cash gift that you are talking about, I dont think thats a reason to kick someone out of your party. Either way, I probably wouldnt want to have in her in my bridal party because she doesnt sound too enthusiastic about it. It sounds as if she is doing you the favor and is not honored to stand next to you. Good luck and let us know the outcome!!

I completely agree.

Ronkonkomonga Posted: Sep 09, 2004 11:45 AM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

Thanks all - I appreciate the honesty - I won't get my feelings hurt if you think I'm petty. It totally sounds that way

brideinapril Posted: Sep 09, 2004 11:47 AM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

I'm a little confused too - but it sounds to me that she is unaware of the costs here. Will she be willing to cover her costs for being in the wedding party? Does she have any idea what that would run her in terms of money? Maybe you should go over that with her and leave the decision up to her on whether she can even afford to be in the bridal party?

CubanBride Posted: Sep 09, 2004 11:49 AM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

She stated that she ins only in your weddnig party because its you. To me, that says that she has special feelings for you. I don't see why her being cheap (frugal is a better word)should have anything to do with her being in your bridal party.

nov04LIbride Posted: Sep 09, 2004 11:50 AM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

Posted by brideinapril

I'm a little confused too - but it sounds to me that she is unaware of the costs here. Will she be willing to cover her costs for being in the wedding party? Does she have any idea what that would run her in terms of money? Maybe you should go over that with her and leave the decision up to her on whether she can even afford to be in the bridal party?

I totally agree. If you are thinking a $200 BM dress, $50 shoes, $75 hair, and $50 makeup required for them, that's a lot of $$, in addition to shower gifts and $ for the wedding. Be upfront about what you expect from her, then let her make the decision. I would be so hurt if someone asked me to be a BM, then said, Nah, changed my mind. Especially when you knew beforehand she was cheap--none of this should come as too much of a surprise. If you do want her in it, choose a cheap dress and shoes (my BM shoes were $20 in Marshall's, and the dresses less than $100 because I didn't want it to be a financial burden on them--I chose who I wanted because of who they are to me), and just be glad she is there--$50 present is really irrelevant.

AlliNMatt06 Posted: Sep 09, 2004 11:52 AM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

Where is she originally from? I definitely agree LI weddings are nothing like out of state weddings. To are 20-30 thousand. They spend about 5 to 10 thousand. I think she is going to have a problem with the expenses that come along with being BM. Did you ask her already? That could be a bigger problem kicking her out.

Ronkonkomonga Posted: Sep 09, 2004 11:53 AM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

Hi Fashionhag - I feel like she does have special feelings for me, which is great and we are close, but I feel like part of the fun is to have a brial party that is having fun with it - not begruding everything because they feel like the have to do it. Some girls actually want to be in weddings. I know I do.

I do think she knows how much weddings cost here - her sister lives in Manhattan.

marymoon Posted: Sep 09, 2004 11:53 AM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

Ok, so she IS cheap, but that's no reason to exclude her from your BP> i'd just make sure you're very clear with her about what the expenses will be, and if you hav a sister or a close relative in the BP warn her that this girl may be cheap when it comes to laying out $$ for gifts and a shower

CubanBride Posted: Sep 09, 2004 11:57 AM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

Posted by Ronkonkomonga

Hi Fashionhag - I feel like she does have special feelings for me, which is great and we are close, but I feel like part of the fun is to have a brial party that is having fun with it - not begruding everything because they feel like the have to do it. Some girls actually want to be in weddings. I know I do.

I do think she knows how much weddings cost here - her sister lives in Manhattan.

Personally, I would prefer to not be in most weddings because of the cost involved. But for a special friend, I would do it in a heartbeat. That may be what she is thinking. She obviously wants to be in yours.

You need to find out about how much things are going to cost and let her know your plans beforehand. Then, if it costs too much, then let her opt out.

She obviously wants to be there for you, but if money is a problem, then she just may not be able to.

Ronkonkomonga Posted: Sep 09, 2004 12:03 PM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

Thanks everyone

JacnRob729 Posted: Sep 09, 2004 04:08 PM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

Posted by CaCRmr

She could be considered cheap but you obviously chose her to be in you BP for a reason. Let it go

I agree

Rainmama Posted: Sep 09, 2004 04:14 PM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

Well I guess I'm cheap too.

$50 is what I ALWAYS give as a wedding gift. It's MORE than I can afford. I don't care if it's a wedding in the Ozarks or Long Island, a $1500 wedding or a $150,000 wedding. I give what I can afford.

Whoever made it a 'rule' that your gift is supposed to 'cover your plate' is getting married for the wrong reason.

Sorry to go off a little. This is a sensitive topic to me.

palebride Posted: Sep 09, 2004 05:18 PM

Re: Cheap BM - or is it me? long,confusing and with poll

I had a BM who had trouble covering her costs.....I asked her to be in my Bridal Party knowing she has money trouble because she is special to me though.
I paid for half of her dress....and she couldn't afford to give us a gift.....I am fine with that.
She is in our pictures with us, and on our video.
I think once you ask a person to be in your bridal party, they're in it, unless they do something terrible to you.