Cold Feet

oy! that was long! Sorry if it was preachy

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Posted by lolita4life

im just worried about things that i want him to change WONT change after we get married. he knows i wont marry him if he doesnt change his ways on two situations... i just dont want to get hurt again and be MARRIED!!!
we had a really big 'talk' (and by talk i mean fight) about it last night. i think i got the message through. he almost started to cry and i knew then that i wanted to marry him.
i guess i just wanted to get EVERYTHING off my chest before i do!!!

hope thats not bad!

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No cold feet here, but I just want to add to what Neenie said - you can't marry someone hoping they will change. Sadly, most people don't change - you have to accept the faults and move on, hope that they work on the issues, of course, but if the only way you'll marry him is *if* he changes you may be setting yourself up for heartbreak. Does he see the need to change? If so, why does he keep doing the things that bother you? He needs to want to change for himself, not for you - we can only change for us.

Jes - I had no cold feet about marrying DH, it was really only about the day itself unfolding. I was about to pretty much write the same as Neenie, but I didn't want it to repeat the same words. Please read Neenie's response VERY carefully. I love what she wrote about marriage not being a band-aid. I believe you need to trust your own life in your FH hands before marriage.

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Posted by Dooodles

Jes - I had no cold feet about marrying DH, it was really only about the day itself unfolding. I was about to pretty much write the same as Neenie, but I didn't want it to repeat the same words. Please read Neenie's response VERY carefully. I love what she wrote about marriage not being a band-aid. I believe you need to trust your own life in your FH hands before marriage.

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Very well said. I don't want you to think that we're trying to tell you you are wrong for feeling that way and I hope you know that at points, it is very common to have cold feet so we really do appreciate you sharing and talking to us about it. Do you guys live together? Or are you guys living a part? If there is something that bothers you in a relationship, you were so smart to talk to him about it, you really were. The ONE thing that scares me about marriage is cheating. My FH has never once cheated on me and I believe that he never will.....BUT...the potential is always there. He's a good looking man and I know that one day when I'm in a moomoo and eating bon bons, it is going to cross my mind in fear that he is following in the path of my some of my friends husbands. Its a fear that is ingrained in me that has nothing to do with my FH. I won't be able to change him once he get married, he has made that abundantly clear but what I'm hoping is going to happen is that we are going to change together. I would like him to work on xyz if I make a solid effort to work on abc. Supposedly, thats what they tell me marriage is about (although, I like the 'womens' rules a lot better where we always win) You sound like an extremely intuitive woman who knows what she wants, and I think it was really great that you talked to him about it beforehand. Now he can never say he 'never knew.'

thanks girls! its not that i want to CHANGE him, persay...

i dont want to go too into it, its pretty presonal and i dont want ppl thinking badly of him.
lets just say... he has a 'temper' ok? that comes out sometimes and he cant 'control' himself.
ok i love him, but i dont ever want to be put in a situation where i feel vulnerable, or helpless physically, if yu catch my drift. (and dont worry girls he doesnt beat me!)

and as for the other reason, its nothign i want him to change.. its somthing i want him to keep his word on. something he does (or used to do) that hurts me and makes me feel insecure about myself. i basically want him to keep his promises and i should be able to trust him 110%.

hope this clarifies a bit.... its not that i really want to CHANGE him. i accept him for who he is. but not if it puts ME at any risk or harm or hurts me/my feelings.

I got really nervous, but I didn't get cold feet. I was honestly more worried about coming down the stairs in my dress and tripping than anything else

To add to what the other girls have been saying: The best advice on marriage that I ever got was from my father. He said to always keep in mind that there are things that you will not like about your spouse, there are things that you may even almost hate about them, but do the things that you love about them outway those things that you don't like. Remember that sex is the least important part of a marriage, first and foremost they must be your best friend because in the end that is the person you will be able to spend eternity with. Always remember that when you fight 75% of the time the fight is not about you or your spouse but you just need to take your frustrations out on someone and they are there. As long as you can see that you will get over it.

It was the best advice I ever got. I always wondered if I would find the PERFECT MAN and after he told me this I stopped worrying because I realized there is no perfect man, just someone who compliments me, loves me and is willing to work with me.

I hope you have taken to hear what all of us girls have said to you and that things work out.