DAD HELP!

thanks.....

my mom is OK with DH..... my dad tries to tell her toehrwise. he tries to change her mind.

My Dad will never meet him though! He's soo against it.
my aunt (his sister) said that she has always noticed he is odd when it comes to relationships and me.. like he is jealous she said...... strange.

thats the thing though. is that he WONT give kevin a chance. He wont even meet him!

But to be honest.. my dad treats me so badly that DH HATES him too! (my dad has done some awful things to me) but anyway.. i just dont know what to do anymore...

i just want them to be civil. Kevin totally will, its my dad though. I just want to be able to have him with me for Christmas and stuff a know! thats the main thing.

I don't have a close relationship with my dad and he was not supportive of me marrying DH (I was with my ex, who Dad loved, all through college and my Dad was convinced we were getting married, which I never even seriously thought about...). ANYWAY...I think he wants a reaction out of you.

The main question is, does this bother you enough to cut him out of your life? What if it means cutting your mother out to?

Your letter was filled with anger. When he reads it, he will get angry and defensive. I would use a different approach--Dad, I am sorry you are not happy about my relationship with Kevin, but I do hope you will try since eventually I will want my children knowing their grandfather. I am married and my relationship with DH will now always come first and foremost. I hope you will find a way to contain your comments so that we will also be able to have our own father/daughter relationship.

Maybe ny appraoch isn't the best..but if one of my realtives didn't want my Fh around, I'd take it to mean they don't want me around either, and they wouldn't see me.

If FH is not invited, I don't go, and vice cersa...that's just how we work it in our realtionship. I didn't really have the problem with my family, but FH had it with his not accpeting me, but he just stopped going places I wasn't invited..and guess what? I started getting invitied.

the thign is i am TIRED of sugarcoating it and apologizing for it!
i WILL cut him out of my life.... in fact we didnt speak for years. we recently just tried to patch things up.
i hate to say it, but he is my step-dad.... i have always considered him as my 'dad' though.. but i honestly do not like him. i love him, but i dont like him.
whats going to heppen when i have a baby?! (not anytime soon i hope, but still!)

my mom is my best friend. i hate to see her in the middle of this all.

but i have made a decision to wait a few days and to change things around so i dont come off as a whiny little girl.

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Posted by marymoon

Maybe ny appraoch isn't the best..but if one of my realtives didn't want my Fh around, I'd take it to mean they don't want me around either, and they wouldn't see me.

If FH is not invited, I don't go, and vice cersa...that's just how we work it in our realtionship. I didn't really have the problem with my family, but FH had it with his not accpeting me, but he just stopped going places I wasn't invited..and guess what? I started getting invitied.

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i kind of do that too. .....or i will go for only a short period of time.
as for Christmas. i do not go on Christmas to my mom and dads.... but i DO go to my grandmothers for Xmas Eve .....
BUT my grandma keeps telling me to bring him.... but my dad goes there. i may say 'screw it' this year and bring him. the worst that can happen is that they fight, right?! and it will be my dad looking stupid

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Posted by don424

i don't know much about the situation, but is there a reason you can't do this face to face?

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I agree. Letters are weak.

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Posted by lolita4life
say 'screw it' this year and bring him. the worst that can happen is that they fight, right?! and it will be my dad looking stupid

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Exactly. He needs to act like a man.

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Posted by DjPiLL

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Posted by don424

i don't know much about the situation, but is there a reason you can't do this face to face?

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I agree. Letters are weak.

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he wont let me get a word in if i do. even my mom suggested to write a letter.

this way i can get everythign out without him interuppting and he will have to READ it and process it.. if i said it to him he would just be thinking of excuses the whole time i talked...

plus in person it would end up in a fight.

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Posted by lolita4life

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Posted by marymoon

Maybe ny appraoch isn't the best..but if one of my realtives didn't want my Fh around, I'd take it to mean they don't want me around either, and they wouldn't see me.

If FH is not invited, I don't go, and vice cersa...that's just how we work it in our realtionship. I didn't really have the problem with my family, but FH had it with his not accpeting me, but he just stopped going places I wasn't invited..and guess what? I started getting invitied.

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i kind of do that too. .....or i will go for only a short period of time.
as for Christmas. i do not go on Christmas to my mom and dads.... but i DO go to my grandmothers for Xmas Eve .....
BUT my grandma keeps telling me to bring him.... but my dad goes there. i may say 'screw it' this year and bring him. the worst that can happen is that they fight, right?! and it will be my dad looking stupid

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I would bring him. And let your DH bring flowers for your grandma, and act SO nice to evryone including your dad, and let your dad look like a jackass.

FH's grandmother was one of the most resistant people to accepting me, but when he husband died, I went to the shiva, EVERY day, and I helped her with everything, I cleaned the kitchen, I served food, I cleaned up, i brought her water, etc etc, and by the end of the week she loved me, and before she died, she gave us her blessing, which was so important to us.

So you never know. Let DH show what a great guy he can be.

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Posted by lolita4life

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Posted by DjPiLL

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Posted by don424

i don't know much about the situation, but is there a reason you can't do this face to face?

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I agree. Letters are weak.

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he wont let me get a word in if i do. even my mom suggested to write a letter.

this way i can get everythign out without him interuppting and he will have to READ it and process it.. if i said it to him he would just be thinking of excuses the whole time i talked...

plus in person it would end up in a fight.

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FH's dad s the same way. He's just scream add yeall and enver elt you finish. DH has written several letters to his dad about he was feeling. His dad did read them...but he never amde the time to sit down and talk about it with FH afterward.

ok sounds good!


THANKS EVERYONE!!!!
i'm very happy i posted it. this helped ALOT!

Yes you should bring him to Grandma's. It is HER house, she invited him. This will be the first Christmas you are married, so it be perfectly normal to bring him. If you don't bring him, you are validating your father's position that Kevin is not worthy of being part of the family.

There is nothing wrong in sending the letter because you have no other choice since he won't let you get a word in. I do however agree with the other ladies in that you should at least re-word it a little bit and leave out the accusatory comments.

Or personally and this is just my honest opinion. I would not speak to him. If this is how he is going to treat you (with disrecpt) then let him be. Let him be the one to contact you. You have done enough in trying to patch things up. And then one day when you have children, he'll regret not knowing them because of his own stupidity.

This is how I would feel if my dad treated me like this. I am not one to keep begging people for their acceptance, especially to people that are close minded and stubborn. I would feel like this if my own parents treated my DH like this. Your DH is your family too now, your dad can either except both of you or none of you.

GOOD LUCK! Let us now what you decide to do...

some hugs for you...

thanks again everyone! ill let you know what comes of all this eventually!

Jess,
I agree that the letter was written with too much emotion. If you decide somehow that you still want to do it since you can't get a word in edgewise, then wait a few days until you calm down.
And I agree to start bringing him to functions when he is invited otherwise your step-father will never learn to accept him or make him realize Kevin is now part of the family!

I agree with everyone's post, that you should not send the letter.
Honestly, if he has not come to terms with Kevin in the past 4 years, I don't think it will change anytime soon. I think you need to just move on. Sad, yes, but your life does not need to revolve around your father.
JMHO.
Focus on all the wonderful friends and family that you have in your life.

You know what I would not send the letter at all. You have tried communicating with him and he has made hard for you to mend fences. Like I've said before, just let him be and don't talk to him, let him call you.

And like I've said before when you have children he'll regret not knowing them because of his stupidity. maybe then he'll change his tune.