DAD HELP!

ok so many of you know how my dad is so against me getting married to kevin is (b/c he is 12 yrs older)
anyway, when isaw him the other day he was SOOOOOO nasty to me. he told me he didnt even want me in his house! he said i was disrespectful b/c i married him.
he said some realllllllly hurtful things.


i figured the best thing to do was write him a letter.....

i havent sent it yet.... but can i please have your opinions on this:::::

(sorry its long)
anything i should add? delete?
thanks!!!

:::::::::::::::::::::::::'dad-
after all of your horrible comments the other day i wanted to get everything off of MY chest... but i figured a letter would be easiest to tell you. so here it is:

of course i dont expect you to be thrilled about it, but you are being so incredibly selfish.... just b/c YOU dont like him... (not that you have even met him or know anything about him at all) i shouldnt be with him?. its sad that you would prefer to see me miserable instead letting me have the happiness that i deserve.
you dont have to like it. you can hate it. and i wouldnt expect anything more from you.. BUT you should at LEAST have respect for my decisions.... I mean, you dont even have to have respect, but you shouldnt have such DISrespect that you do.
I honestly cant believe that you expect me to break up with him for you! Please! Maybe youd rather see me with someone i dont truly love. Maybe someone who beats me, cheats on me, treats me bad, etc... Then would you be happy?
its not like this wedding was a shock to you either. i have known him for 5 years now. and it was 4 years ago that i started to have feelings for him. Then, i moved in with him July of 2002. Thats 3 years ago. Been engaged for 2.5 years...... Two and a half years!!!
YOU are the reason i didnt have a “real” traditional wedding. Of course i dont have a ton of $$$ to have a wedding like you & Moms, but i wouldve loved to have everyone there and the kids as flowergirls/ringbearer.. But NO.... Not like you would let that happen. So thank you for that. I am sure you are happy about it.
i am sure it is hard to realize this, but i am an adult now. I make my own decisions.... I am not as immature and niave as you think I am.
i completely understand that you do not agree with my choice to be with Kevin, but that is something that you should really try to deal with b/c he is here. I love him. He is my husband. And I am going to be with him for the rest of my life and yours.
You say that i am direspectful to you and mom b/c i want to be with him. That doesnt even make sense! I must have my own sense of self. And belive it or not, but i DO respect your feelings. I have NEVER talked about him, brought him up, or ANYTHING in front of you. EVER.! i have never tried to make you feel uncomfortable about it. Maybe you never noticed that.
I am sure that you or Mommy has gone out with somone that your parents didnt care for. God, i know your mom didnt even like Mommy at first!!! But did you break up with her? No. Because you loved her.
I understand that you wont “like” him.... And i know you would if you KNEW him. But you are just a stubborn person. But to treat me like this is so unfair.
YOU are truly the only person that has such a problem with it. I know Mommy isnt dancing on clouds about it, but she deals with it.... YOU try to brainwash her and try to turn her against me. Memere, Aunt Sharon.... EVERYONE respects my judgement. It is really sad that all b/c of you I cant even bring him to Christmas.
Yes, he is older. That is established, but it doesnt matter. He treats me soooo good. Probably better than i even deserve. You just wont let yourself see that. You wont budge. And its really sad.
I dont want this letter to come out as very nasty, but these are my feelings. I am not trying to fight (even though i am very mad/hurt at how you spoke to me the other day) But i know if i were to say these thigns to you in person you would not let me get a word in edgewise. Maybe you can re-read all of this and try to understand how i feel.
-Jes':::::::::::::::::::::::::::

i just read the beginning and i would suggest not sending it...you are being tooo accusatory and i think this letter would only do more damage then good

well maybe i can reword it... he was honestly SOOOOOOOOOOO mean to me the other day!

ill play with it then. youre right though.. it may just make him more mad

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Posted by lolita4life

well maybe i can reword it... he was honestly SOOOOOOOOOOO mean to me the other day!

ill play with it then. youre right though.. it may just make him more mad

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I am sure he was..and maybe you need to vent..maybe you want to yell back
I don't know..

what are you looking to accomplish?

IMO if you want your dad to come to terms with your new marriage then i guess i would take a less defensive role in the letter..and take the positive approach by ignoring your dads comments completely and focus on telling him about how WONDERFUL your husband is, how good he is to you...that maybe the way to turn things around..

What is your goal in sending this letter? If the goal is to say 'screw you' then it does the job. If your goal is to try to get him to understand and respect your decision, I don't think it will do any good. Sorry!!!

This really seems like a vent/rant, and I think you could write something that is much more constructive if you are looking to rebuild a relationship.

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Posted by RedHead

i just read the beginning and i would suggest not sending it...you are being tooo accusatory and i think this letter would only do more damage then good

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there really are only a few accusatory things...i would send it. but that's me.

mybe i will wait a few days til i calm down!!!! i saved it and will wait a few beforew sending it.


basically, i have made soo many attempts (nicely) and he wont budge. he is very stubborn and in 4 years is still very hostile about it. i feel like i have lost hope.

thanks for all of your honest opinions!

maybe ill read it to my mom and she will let me know if i should change it or not.

yes, I wouldn't send it that way. The first draft is good to get the anger out.
now, think of what you want to acheive.

DO you want to just let your father know how you feel or do you want to know why he feels the way he does, or do you want him to give Kevin a chance.

I would mention all the stuff about family gatherigns & eloping, but not in an accusatory way, but let him know that it makes you sad. Let him know you are a married adult now & that isn't going to change, but you would like to work on rebuilding your realtionship with him & would appreciate it if he would give you a chance & maybe someday meet Kevin.

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Posted by lolita4life

mybe i will wait a few days til i calm down!!!! i saved it and will wait a few beforew sending it.


basically, i have made soo many attempts (nicely) and he wont budge. he is very stubborn and in 4 years is still very hostile about it. i feel like i have lost hope.

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you are married..it is his choice to be mean and negative towards a life decision that you made..Maybe I am a gruge holder..but imo f' him..send the letter if it makes you feel better..only do things that make you feel good..please don't waste a day looking for your dad's approval

I actually sounds like you are whining about him not accepting your high school boyfriend. You are a married woman, and an adult. You need to word it so that you sound like one and not like a little girl crying about daddy not letting you go out on a date.
You need to think about what the message is going to be 'Accept him, accept me and we'll try for a relationship', 'Don't accept him or me and we won't talk anymore', or something else???

Your dad NEVER met him? I don;t understand how he can have so much contempt for someone he never met. And if you let your father speak to you like a little girl and in turn pout and whine like one you are never going to get anywhere. So figure out what you want to happen and how you (and your husband) want to be portrayed and then start on a plan.

A better approach is to insist that he come to functions, or your dad/parents come over to meet him, or maybe to make an ultimatum. Are you never going to bring him to family gatherings, personally I could never do that. ...

I know you're upset right now, but be rational instead if emotional and you'll see better results.

thanks... very good suggestions. this really helps!

i wasnt going to post this b/c yesterday there was a thread about how ppl Vent too much of their personal stuff, but i really needed some good advice on this one.

I would wait a few days, look at it again, and then revise.

It's exactly the kind of letter I would send (mine in fact for my dad, would be a LOT worse), but I know from my experiences with FH's family (we don't always get along) that it's sometimes better to not get all of those crazy emotions out to them right away.

I'm sorry your dad is being such a jack@$$.

I can sympathize about mean dads.

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Posted by lolita4life

thanks... very good suggestions. this really helps!

i wasnt going to post this b/c yesterday there was a thread about how ppl Vent too much of their personal stuff, but i really needed some good advice on this one.

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Jes, it's totally up to you what you vent and what you don't. People aren't going to like every post. If you don't mind people possibly saying something negative, and you feel comofrtable posting and you need advice, go for it.

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Posted by Jan05Bride

I actually sounds like you are whining about him not accepting your high school boyfriend. You are a married woman, and an adult. You need to word it so that you sound like one and not like a little girl crying about daddy not letting you go out on a date.
You need to think about what the message is going to be 'Accept him, accept me and we'll try for a relationship', 'Don't accept him or me and we won't talk anymore', or something else???

Your dad NEVER met him? I don;t understand how he can have so much contempt for someone he never met. And if you let your father speak to you like a little girl and in turn pout and whine like one you are never going to get anywhere. So figure out what you want to happen and how you (and your husband) want to be portrayed and then start on a plan.

A better approach is to insist that he come to functions, or your dad/parents come over to meet him, or maybe to make an ultimatum. Are you never going to bring him to family gatherings, personally I could never do that. ...

I know you're upset right now, but be rational instead if emotional and you'll see better results.

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I agree with this!!
I also feel that writing a letter is a good idea!!

I agree with a lot of the suggestions made. I think writing a letter, even if you don't send it, is a great way for your to vent. It's cathartic. However, when you send the letter to your dad, you don't want to sound too accusatory, or whiny. You need to sound like a mature adult, not a little girl. The more rational and clear headed you sound, the more you put yourself in contrast to him and he looks like the idiot. Think of it of talking calmly to someone who is screaming at you. By staying calm, you make the other person see their own behavior more clearly and also help to calm them down.

Tell your dad about Kevin and your feelings toward him, without being too accusatory. I would leave in the part about how your father's parents did not initially like your mother..it's a good example.

Good luck

First off, you sound like you need a few of these

Now, I think the better way to go about getting your point across to your father is to take the high ground here. No whining, no name calling.

An even better approach is for you and your DH to have both your parents over for or take them out to dinner. Show them that DH is a decent person and that he cares a great deal for you and treats you well. It should help to take the wind out of your dad's sails.