Dealing with loss at your wedding

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Posted by marymoon

When someone close to you dies, you can still imagine them there, the dancing ona cloud, etc. You can still look to them for guidance, remember their words and hold on to them in your heart. Of course it's a painful loss, but you still have them. You can still have the faith that they wre looking down on you, watching you, loving you.

When someone just goes insane and does a complete 180, and leaves your life of their own accord, you don't have that.

It's a different kind of loss. I always knew I'd lose my dad to death one day, i never knew I'd have to experience it this way.

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As a mental health counselor, I wil defend you. When a parent abandons his or her family, the family members do mourn the loss, as if someone has died. It is very sad and traumatic and complicated because you know the reality, that your father CHOSE to leave you. That is hurtful. I'm sorry this happened to you. Maybe one day your father's heart will change back to what it once was, believe it or not, as people get older it happens. I can not even imagine the pain of having a father alive, and who chooses not to attend my wedding.

Also, for the sake of your wedding, marriage, and everyday life, please consider seeking counseling. You will need help to mourn your loss.

i agree with the suggestion of seeking professional counseling. i understand that you're bitter and hurt , and i haven't experienced anything like that, so i dont' know... but just from what you are writing, it seems like you could use some help to deal with the grief and emotions you are feeling.

Jen, we have talked about the different types of loss before and yours is equally as painful as my father's death is to me. I have had people offer me tons of advice. The best advice I can give to you is to find a way to eventually make peace with the fact that what has happened is in the past and so can move forward. That is ultimately what I had to do. Your pain will be hard but different because you may actually SEE this man who has caused you and your mother so much hurt. I see how incredibly devoted you are to the concept of family and to have a patriarchical figure destroy that sense of trust is the ultimate betrayal. BUT you are too smart and too GOOD to dwell on it. You will rise above and be a better person in the end.

You can't choose your family and sometimes our family members aren't very good people. Realize that you are better off without him there and be happy that you have others there to love you and support you.

As for saying that you wish he was dead- both physical loss in death and having a horrible person as a parent still alive are painful in their own way. I have a friend whos father killed her mother and is out of jail after 7 years- he's dead to her and her mother is dead physically. You can't compare or tell someone that their view is wrong unless you have been there.

I do agree with couseling- either way it'll help you deal with your anger- the anger that's there in both losses. One person's mountain is another person's mole hill....

Thanks for the kind words. I didnt itnend to start a debate at all. I just figured girls who are coping with other kinds or similar kinds of losses could share some coping strategies.

And I'm not going to apologize for not jumping for joy that my dad lived to steal $12,000 from me, abandon my disabled mother, and...i could go on forever.

I believe the loss is as great as if he had died, and you may not believe that or feel it's a valid claim, but I definitey feel that way.

Forgiveness is one thing, letting someone back into your life is another. I believe you forgive for yourself, so you don't carry it around with you anymore. I can forgive until pigs fly, but it won't change the fact that the man i thought y father was is gone forever.

I don't think under and circumstance you should 'wish your father was dead.' Coming from someone who lost her mother, I would do ANYTHING in the world to bring her back so to read these words - though I am sympathatic to your situation - is very hurtful.

Personally, I had a very bad relationship with my dad for years, including when my mom was sick (cancer) and died. I said some horrible, horrible things to my dad and saw him as this awful person. But we change and grow and hopefully see our parents in a different light.

A therapist might be a good idea for now...to help you cope with this. Be mad. That's ok. But years from now if given the opportunity to have your father in your life, take it.

I completely understand the sentiment that when someone passes away, you would do anything to bring them back. I'm getting ready for a wake as we speak.

I just don't get what you don't understand about me saying there's a difference between wishing someone dead, and saying that if I had to lose my dad, I would rather have lost him to an act of god, than his own act. I really don't know what's so immature and sick about that. I don't believe I need professional help. I don't believe that my grieving process is any different from anyone else's, or that it's disproportionate or inappropriate. Under the circumstances, I'm doing quite well. All I did on this thread was to ask for support from people who are also grieving. I was not the one who came on the thread judging or telling people that their loss is incomplete.

My dad is gone. He's absolutely gone and dead. He's not coming back into my life. It's not anyone else's decision to make. Fortunately for me, my feelings on the matter are the only ones that count. And by all accounts, he's gone forever, just as if he were dead, only I have the added pain of it not being an act of god, but of his own, and I don't have the happy memories to remember and the comfort in believeing he's watching over me. Recognizing that is not immature or hateful and it doesn't show a need for professional help, it's just the truth of my siuation, and I'm dealing with it the same way anyone else who has lost someone deals, by grieving, trying to get through major events and holidays, and going on with my life. I can't believe how quickly someone can be judged when all they're doing is asking for help and support. I thank everyone who has understood and made supportive posts and FMs.