Dealing with loss at your wedding

i am sorry for the loss of your father. my father too has passed on.
i dont have much advice.... but i know you will pull through....i am sure i will have tears as well on my wedding day i hope you feel better hun. xoxo jenn

I am but I do not think I will be that bad. I had a great relationship with my dad and he has a very strong spirit. I actually get strength when I think of him more often than sadness. It's been almost 5 years but he was killed on 9.11 so it still feels like yesterday. I do have dreams that I cannot walk down the aisle with my mom and brother and we walk around the outside. But that day, I think I'll be fine.

I've been to cousin's and friend's weddings and had the same leave the room thing and everyone looks at me but it got easier every time. I was able to be grateful that they had that moment with their dad and I had so many moments with my dad... just not that one. I had one special dream soon after he died where he met me on a cloud and danced with me for my wedding. That was before I even met FI and ever thought about getting married!

There are so many ways that his spirit will be there that day. We will be married on the water (The Great South Bay/Connetquot River) where we spent so much time together (his spirit is very strong near water), I will be bringing his boutennierre to the cemetery that morning, our officiant is a retired FDNY chaplin and will marry us in uniform, I will have tiny pics of him dangling from my bouquet, my something old is the stem of his wedding day boutenniere that he kept in his dresser all these years without my mom knowing, there is a collective set of family and friends that combined are my father and they will be there.

I think if you include him as much as you can in little subtle ways, it will make it better and easier to get through the tough spots.

My situation is a little different because my dad isn't dead, he's just dead to me. He walked out on us over a year ago and has since done a huge meaure of horrible things. I figured dealing with this might be in some ways similar to dealing with death, because it is the same kind of complete loss. But I guess ut's different, because I don't even have a good memory to cling to, etc.

I'm glad it gets easier over time. Back in september at that last wedding, it was just incredibly difficult. I mean there was no way I could even stay in the room. I had the catering staff all asking me if I wanted drinks, etc, because zi spent a good deal of the wedding outside of the ballroom!

But I don't want to be sad on my day. I want to feel happy and whole

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Posted by marymoon

My situation is a little different because my dad isn't dead, he's just dead to me. He walked out on us over a year ago and has since done a huge meaure of horrible things. I figured dealing with this might be in some ways similar to dealing with death, because it is the same kind of complete loss. But I guess ut's different, because I don't even have a good memory to cling to, etc.

I'm glad it gets easier over time. Back in september at that last wedding, it was just incredibly difficult. I mean there was no way I could even stay in the room. I had the catering staff all asking me if I wanted drinks, etc, because zi spent a good deal of the wedding outside of the ballroom!

But I don't want to be sad on my day. I want to feel happy and whole

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I am very sorry that this happened to you and your family, but I can tell you that it is NOT the same kind of complete loss. You have a chance to reconcile with your dad and have a relationship with him again (if you CHOOSE to do so somewhere down the line), whereas people that have experienced the DEATH of a loved one do not.

I understand that it is painful, and I won't take that away from you, BUT your dad COULD be at the wedding if somehow things work out, while the rest of us mourning the death of a loved one, can only look up or around the room and reach out to feel their spirit...

My biological father left me, my mom, and my sister years ago- yet the death of his father, who so completely replaced him as a father in my life, died this past summer. I have NO chance to see his face light up as I walk down the aisle, and though I have no doubt he will be watching from above, that pain is something I will never feel about the absense of his son.

Sorry for the ramble, and again I don't want to take anything away from your situation, but I had to state my piece.

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Posted by marymoon

There is 100% absolutely no chance that my dad will be at ym wedding and 100% absolutely no chance for reconcilliation. I wish he had died before this happenned. I wish I had a good memory to hold on to instead of the painful truth. I wish I could go on living the rest of my life believing my father was a good man whose life was cut short, who god chose to take from us, than what really happenned and what he's really done. I feel that in some ways it is more of a loss. It would a much different feeling if I could imagine him watching over me from above, loving me and caring for me, rather than what really happenned and what I now know to be true. Hold on to your good memories, they're worth a lot.

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I remember reading about what happened with him, and my heart went out (and still does) to you and your mother. no one wants to go through something like that- the same thing happened to my fh right around the time we started dating...it shook his whole world and his belief in marriage...it's part of the reason we have waited 11 plus years to get married..

but time really does heal all wounds, and as you grow and change, you will stop looking at it as a wounded child (b/c no matter who old you are, you still see mom and dad through a child's eyes) and rather as an adult. I hope that in time, when the hurt and pain lessen, that you will be able to put this behind you and rebuild the relationship with your dad. No matter what, wishing him dead is something you don't want to do..

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Posted by marymoon

There is 100% absolutely no chance that my dad will be at ym wedding and 100% absolutely no chance for reconcilliation. I wish he had died before this happenned. I wish I had a good memory to hold on to instead of the painful truth. I wish I could go on living the rest of my life believing my father was a good man whose life was cut short, who god chose to take from us, than what really happenned and what he's really done. I feel that in some ways it is more of a loss. It would a much different feeling if I could imagine him watching over me from above, loving me and caring for me, rather than what really happenned and what I now know to be true. Hold on to your good memories, they're worth a lot.

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I'm sorry for what happened to you and your family, but in all honesty, you still have a mother who cares about you. To wish someone dead is absolutely TERRIBLE to say. Just terrible.

There are plenty of situations, where a child (at a very young age) is left without both parents, and no other family - whether through planned or unplanned circumstances.

At least you are an adult now and starting a new phase in your life by marrying someone that cares a lot about you. Many people in this world don't have as much.

I'm sorry, but I am completely offended by your statement, and had to say something.

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Posted by JessicaM.

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Posted by marymoon

There is 100% absolutely no chance that my dad will be at ym wedding and 100% absolutely no chance for reconcilliation. I wish he had died before this happenned. I wish I had a good memory to hold on to instead of the painful truth. I wish I could go on living the rest of my life believing my father was a good man whose life was cut short, who god chose to take from us, than what really happenned and what he's really done. I feel that in some ways it is more of a loss. It would a much different feeling if I could imagine him watching over me from above, loving me and caring for me, rather than what really happenned and what I now know to be true. Hold on to your good memories, they're worth a lot.

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I remember reading about what happened with him, and my heart went out (and still does) to you and your mother. no one wants to go through something like that- the same thing happened to my fh right around the time we started dating...it shook his whole world and his belief in marriage...it's part of the reason we have waited 11 plus years to get married..

but time really does heal all wounds, and as you grow and change, you will stop looking at it as a wounded child (b/c no matter who old you are, you still see mom and dad through a child's eyes) and rather as an adult. I hope that in time, when the hurt and pain lessen, that you will be able to put this behind you and rebuild the relationship with your dad. No matter what, wishing him dead is something you don't want to do..

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It's not just about what he did to my mom. He's done innumerable things to me, and to all of us. I don't want to go into it. But no, it's 100% not possible, and I absolutely 100% wish he had died when he had cancer 5 years ago, rather than for me to have to find out his true colors. I would rather have had all of that die with him, rather than have to see it in its full blown glory. I'm not ebing a stubborn child, saying I won't talk to him because of what he did to my mom. That's what a lot of people who don't knwo the situation say, that he did it to my mom, and not to me, it has nothing to do with me. It has a lot to do with me, I could go on for pages. But my dad didn't leave my mom. he left all of us, he even tells people it was really because he couldn;t stand me and my sister still living there. He says horrible things about me, and the truth is he never wanted children. He felt he could finally leave now because my sis is married and I'm getting married. Everything that has come out has made me see that he's a sick, twisted, horrible person, not the person I saw through the wide eyes of a child. I would rather have had that illusion, and had some good memories to hold on to, rather than knowing my dad was evil, etc. I know that probably someone having lost their dad in death would do anything to have their dad again,a nd can't imagine someone saying there is no chance of reconciliation, but the fact is there is none, and I don't mean to hurt anyone, but I truly believe it would be less painful if he had died, which is a possibility we ahve dealt with, since he is, as I mentioned, a cancer survivor....

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Posted by ChrissynRicky

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Posted by marymoon

There is 100% absolutely no chance that my dad will be at ym wedding and 100% absolutely no chance for reconcilliation. I wish he had died before this happenned. I wish I had a good memory to hold on to instead of the painful truth. I wish I could go on living the rest of my life believing my father was a good man whose life was cut short, who god chose to take from us, than what really happenned and what he's really done. I feel that in some ways it is more of a loss. It would a much different feeling if I could imagine him watching over me from above, loving me and caring for me, rather than what really happenned and what I now know to be true. Hold on to your good memories, they're worth a lot.

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I'm sorry for what happened to you and your family, but in all honesty, you still have a mother who cares about you. To wish someone dead is absolutely TERRIBLE to say. Just terrible.

There are plenty of situations, where a child (at a very young age) is left without both parents, and no other family - whether through planned or unplanned circumstances.

At least you are an adult now and starting a new phase in your life by marrying someone that cares a lot about you. Many people in this world don't have as much.

I'm sorry, but I am completely offended by your statement, and had to say something.

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My mom is great. i enver said she wasn't. I am very lucky to have her.

but the dad I knew DID die. He's gone and hes not coming back anymore than anyone else's dad is. I'm not walking around wishing him dead. I'm not that hateful a person, but I';m saying it's different when god takes someone from you, and when they leave you themseleves. It's different. And I'm offended when people say it would be worse if he were dead, because I truly don't believe that. It is a complete loss. In some ways it's more of a loss because I don't even have the memories and the happy thoughts of him watching over me.

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Posted by ChrissynRicky

I'm sorry, but I honestly think you have some serious issues that you should be seeking professional help for. Coming onto a public forum and wishing someone dead is absolutely immature, vengeful, and yes, HATEFUL.

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I'm not wishing him dead. I'm just saying it would be less painful had he died.

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Posted by marymoon

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Posted by ChrissynRicky

I'm sorry, but I honestly think you have some serious issues that you should be seeking professional help for. Coming onto a public forum and wishing someone dead is absolutely immature, vengeful, and yes, HATEFUL.

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I'm not wishing him dead. I'm just saying it would be less painful had he died.

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Yes, you did:

'I absolutely 100% wish he had died when he had cancer 5 years ago'

I'm not an English major or anything, but that definitely means you are WISHING him dead...past tense, present tense, future tense.

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Posted by ChrissynRicky

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Posted by marymoon

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Posted by ChrissynRicky

I'm sorry, but I honestly think you have some serious issues that you should be seeking professional help for. Coming onto a public forum and wishing someone dead is absolutely immature, vengeful, and yes, HATEFUL.

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I'm not wishing him dead. I'm just saying it would be less painful had he died.

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Yes, you did:

'I absolutely 100% wish he had died when he had cancer 5 years ago'

I'm not an English major or anything, but that definitely means you are WISHING him dead...past tense, present tense, future tense.

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It's not the same thing to say 'I wish he had died, rather then to have to lsoe him this way', as to say :' hate him so much, I hope a truck runs over him' it's completely different emotions and intents. All I'm saying, as I have tried to explain 100 times is that I would rather god have taken him, than for him to have taken himself away. Because the net effect is the same. It's as if he's dead now, only there's so much paina nd disillusionment, but if he had been taken by god, at least I'd still have him in my heart. If you can't understand that, that's fine, but I don't think it's fair for you to judge me

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Posted by marymoon

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Posted by ChrissynRicky

I'm sorry, but I honestly think you have some serious issues that you should be seeking professional help for. Coming onto a public forum and wishing someone dead is absolutely immature, vengeful, and yes, HATEFUL.

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I'm not wishing him dead. I'm just saying it would be less painful had he died.

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I understand a little bit what you're going through. My parents divorced when I was 6 and it's still a little bit like a knife in the heart when I go to a wedding and watch the father/daughter dance or the father walking down the aisle. The difference in my situation is that I would talk to my father but my mother is still so bitter that it's like I'm choosing one over the other. It really *****. I know it must feel like you have no closure of a million unanswered questions or even resentment but you deal with the cards your dealt. You live and learn and pass and you'll probably be a better parent yourself in the end for it.

When someone close to you dies, you can still imagine them there, the dancing ona cloud, etc. You can still look to them for guidance, remember their words and hold on to them in your heart. Of course it's a painful loss, but you still have them. You can still have the faith that they wre looking down on you, watching you, loving you.

When someone just goes insane and does a complete 180, and leaves your life of their own accord, you don't have that.

It's a different kind of loss. I always knew I'd lose my dad to death one day, i never knew I'd have to experience it this way.

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Posted by marymoon

When someone close to you dies, you can still imagine them there, the dancing ona cloud, etc. You can still look to them for guidance, remember their words and hold on to them in your heart. Of course it's a painful loss, but you still have them. You can still have the faith that they wre looking down on you, watching you, loving you.

When someone just goes insane and does a complete 180, and leaves your life of their own accord, you don't have that.

It's a different kind of loss. I always knew I'd lose my dad to death one day, i never knew I'd have to experience it this way.

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this statement 'When someone close to you dies, you can still imagine them there, the dancing ona cloud, etc. You can still look to them for guidance' leads me to believe you haven't the slightest notion about the impact the DEATH of a loved one has one you...'dancing on a cloud' that is a very fanciful image...one that I don't associate with my grandfather in heaven...

every day I think of him, I hear is voice, but it's not the same...we believe they are looking down because we HAVE to....there is no choice, and while you may think like that now , as you mature (and I hope you do) you will see how VERY different the two are..and one day you will experience the TRULY PERMANENT loss only death can bring...and I will feel for you on that day.

women and men go through this pain all the time...it's called break up and divorce...life goes on. you get over things, and if you are mature enough, you are able to forgive...which it seems you need to do, and hopefully eventually you will.

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Posted by JessicaM.

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Posted by marymoon

When someone close to you dies, you can still imagine them there, the dancing ona cloud, etc. You can still look to them for guidance, remember their words and hold on to them in your heart. Of course it's a painful loss, but you still have them. You can still have the faith that they wre looking down on you, watching you, loving you.

When someone just goes insane and does a complete 180, and leaves your life of their own accord, you don't have that.

It's a different kind of loss. I always knew I'd lose my dad to death one day, i never knew I'd have to experience it this way.

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this statement 'When someone close to you dies, you can still imagine them there, the dancing ona cloud, etc. You can still look to them for guidance' leads me to believe you haven't the slightest notion about the impact the DEATH of a loved one has one you...'dancing on a cloud' that is a very fanciful image...one that I don't associate with my grandfather in heaven...

every day I think of him, I hear is voice, but it's not the same...we believe they are looking down because we HAVE to....there is no choice, and while you may think like that now , as you mature (and I hope you do) you will see how VERY different the two are..and one day you will experience the TRULY PERMANENT loss only death can bring...and I will feel for you on that day.

women and men go through this pain all the time...it's called break up and divorce...life goes on. you get over things, and if you are mature enough, you are able to forgive...which it seems you need to do, and hopefully eventually you will.

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I quoted the dancing on a clud from someone else in this exact post.

You assume that I haven't experienced the death of a loved one.

There is nothing to forgive or not forgive. My dad is 100% gone. it is a permanent loss. It has nothing to do with me forgiving or not forgiving. The fact is, he's gone. The fairy tale and fanciful image would be imagining that that is not the case and that he's going to come back someday and be the dad he never was.

if you read my earlier posts on this thread, you would understand that the situation with my dad and the reason i'm saying this goes FAR beyond my parents getting divorced. My dad has done things that would make anyone's head spin. I already said it's not about that at all. I'm not a 5 year old crying about my parents' divorce. That has very little to do with it. It's a lot more about the truth of who he is as a person.

My parents fought when I was a kid, and I always thought/feared they'd get divorced someday (I think a lot of children fear this, whehter it's based in reality or not), and believe me, that would be something I could deal with. it's a terrible thing, but it's a fact of life and it happens, but as I said before, it goes far far beyond that.