Deceased Mom and Dad

Both of my mom and dad have passed on, and even though it is going to be a happy day to be married to my sweetiepooh, (His nickname he would kill me if he knew I posted it!) It is also going to be bittersweet. I have been down in the dumps the past week because I am going on the first anniversary of my dads passing. (I almsot lost it last night when I had to light a yahrzeit candle) and a few friends stopped by with a cake for my b day a few weeks ago, but that is another story) Anyway, any suggestions on how to remember them without crying in hysterics that day, I want tears of joy not saddness. Nothing morbid. Someone told me to set up a table for them with there picture on it! I was thinking of lighting a candle up where we are married put off to the side so only I know it is there and my immedite family and FH Help! Also, how can I word invitations?

Re: Deceased Mom and Dad

I am sooo sorry for your lose. It must be very difficult to deal with so much lose while planning your wedding.
For the invites I suggest you and your FH issue them. Although my parents are not deceased, since we are paying we issued the invites.
The honour of your presence is requested at the Nuptial Mass of
Michele Middle Last Name
and
Scott Last Name

You can also do
Melissa Sarah Smith
daughter of the late Mr. & Mrs. John Smith
and
William Eric Jones
the son of Mr. & Mrs. Eric Jones
request the honour of your presence

The one thing you should not do is have the invite issued by your parents. Since they are deceased they cannot really issue an invite to someone.
So you shouldn't have it read:
The late Mr & Mrs. John Smith
But you probably already know that. You can also issue the invite from your in-laws, if you would like to.

I lost both of my grandmothers 3 years ago and am still heartbroken so althought not the same as you, I understand the bittersweet feelings. You can have a photo of your parents wedding on your place card table at the reception- and your in-laws too if they are still married. You can consider having your mother and father's wedding song as your first dance song. You can also carry something from each of them such as a necklace of your Moms and your Dad hankie in your purse. Or something else very special to you. What I would not do is things like leave empty seats at the ceremony, do a big memory candle lighting or anything that might make you feel like you are at a funeral instead of a wedding. You can have a memorial candle lite at the alter and in the program state 'The memorial candle is lite in honor of Mr. & Mrs. John Smith, parents of the bride'
I also think you need to discuss with your siblings ideas on ways to make you feel like your parents are there. I would also inform the band not to play any songs that you find difficult to listen to since that will just make you sad.

Re: Deceased Mom and Dad

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother and I am looking for a way to honor her at the wedding. My loss is not as recent as yours so I think I will be able to make it through without breaking down. One thing that I am definately doing is wearing a bracelet with an open locket attached that has a beautiful black and white picture of my mother. It will be very small and personal and I will be able to clutch the charm during the ceremony. Other than that I am stumped. I thought about having a quick candle lighting during the ceremony but the majority of the board doesn't like that idea. So I'm kind of stumped now. Still may do it though.

I think a lot of people have issues about even discussing death. Therefore they find even a hint of the topic morbid and depressing. I personally view it differently. I would feel awful if I didn't have some public mention of my mother. It's no big secret that she's gone and I would like to mention that I know she is watching over us with pride and joy. It would make me and my FH happy.

My advice...(for what its worth) is to find a way to hold them close to you during the day and then find a small, brief way to recognize that they are with you. I think someone elso posted this and I probably stole the quote from them but i was thinking 'for those that are in our hearts and have touched our lives, we know you are always watching over us' and then have the officiant move onto something else real quick.

Sorry so long. And please remember that your parents will be happy with however you chose to honor them (public or private)

Re: Deceased Mom and Dad

adrienne, those are such lovely and thoughtful ideas.

Re: Deceased Mom and Dad

My husband's mom is deceased. We had the Rabbi say a prayer during our ceremony, and we lit a candle. We also had pictures set up outside the room we had the ceremony in of our families, including his parent's wedding picture. Everyone thought it was a lovely touch.

Re: Deceased Mom and Dad

I am in the same boat as you. So I can understand your dilema. I have my Mothers engagement ring (yesterday was their 45 wedding anniversary) I'm wearing that on a chain around my neck. I also have a locket that I gave my Mother the Christmas before she passed with their wedding photo in it. (I will pin that to the inside of my dress) I will have the priest say a prayer for them & my FH Father. I'm also putting 4 red roses in the middle of my bouquet 1 for each parent, 1 for FH Father & 1 for my Nana. My brother is walking me down the aisle & when the priest ask 'Who gives this woman..' I am telling my brother to reply 'Our parents in spirit & I do' I'm sure I'll think of others.
I wish you all the best I know its a hard time! I get upset over it all the time!!
-Tracy

Re: Deceased Mom and Dad

So sorry for your loss. If you have a wedding program, on the back why not dedicate the ceramony in their name...just a thought - we are doing something similiar for my FH's father. We will also have a candle in memory of his father and all of those who are no longer with us. And lastly, also on the back of the prgram, we will be saying in lieu of a wedding favor, a donation has been made to the American Heart Association in memory of Al Ferrara, Michael's father.

Re: Deceased Mom and Dad

Oh yeah...I forgot about that. I too am giving a donation instead of favors. It will be to the American Cancer Society. I think its going to be 'to all those lost' because my FH has lost some relatives to cancer also.

Re: Deceased Mom and Dad

My dad passed away about 1 1/2 years ago and the thought of him not being at my wedding is horrible. I can only imagine how doubly awful it must be for you without both parents.

We are thinking of doing several things to remember him. First, my brother will be walking me down the aisle with my mother and my brother may have a picture of my dad sticking out of his tuxedo pocket. I also thought of having a picture of my Dad (and my fiance's mom who is also deseased) on easel's under the chuppah. My fiance thinks that may be too morbid so I am not sure if we will do that. Another thing I plan to do is get married in the same gold wedding band my mom did so the cantor will say something about my parents happy marriage.

During the reception, my fiance, who plays the saxaphone plans to dedicate a song to him, and of course, one to me too. I'm trying to think of some other things as well.

One thing I am very grateful for is that my Dad got to know my fiance and liked him very much. That is very comforting to me, and I know, that even if we can't have a father/daughter dance, he will be with there with me.

Re: Deceased Mom and Dad

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. My FH mother passed away 10 years ago. We will make a donation in lieu of favors in her memory. We chose to donate to the library that his mother used to volunteer at. We're going to by a sitting bench and have a plaque with ' in loving memory of....' We chose the library because it was something his mother loved, and it was something tangible. Maybe there's something like that you could do that would help you include your parents in your day?

Your ideas of using their pictures and lighting a candle would be very nice. I don't think that would be morbid at all. I would also have the Rabi include your parents in the ceremony specifically. I wouldn't feel that was morbid either. Every Sunday in church they mention people by name who are sick or have passed away, and I've never thought it was morbid.

Do what will make you happy, I'm sure your guests will understand.

Re: Deceased Mom and Dad

I would like to thank all of you for your posts.
I lost my Mother almost two years ago (feels like yesterday) and my Father before my 1st birthday.
I love the idea of your brother having a picture sticking out of his pocket. I have two brothers and will consider Mom & Dads photos that way.
I am wearing one of my Mothers necklaces and was looking for other ideas.
My thoughts are with all of you who have lost loved ones too.