Deciding on a bestman

Hi Girls,

(To Many issues and we are not even at the 2 year mark for the wedding yet).

I need your help on this one. FH is deciding on using his brother as the bm, since his mom told him that is how is has to be and after we had decided to go with someone else.

The future mother-in-law is a very negative person who loves to put others down, without even thinking before she speaks. Her and I have had a negative outcome already.

Now the FH brothers does not respect me as a person and does not want to get to know me since I am marrying his brother. His brother is a type of person that don't care about anything or anyone but himself, as well as being to immature and I just have a sense he is not right for this position. I do understand that the FH decides who will be the bm, but decide on your own not with your mom telling you. (besides him and his brother are not even close)

The FH and I spoke about this and decided to go with someone else, but here is the change he went back to mommy and she told him he made the best decision since they are brothers and that is how it has to be.

I am having issues with this since FH and I made the choice to use someone else and now he backed down since mommy said so. This only proves to me that whatever we decided he is still go to mom and I don't have a say in that.

I am actually thinking of cancelling the wedding cause of this and other things that are going on.
What should I do? I am so stressed out with this whole thing.

Thanks for the help ladies! I need all the hellp I can get right now.

And another thing, he does not even step up for anything either! That is another thing that is boiling my gut.

Sorry for putting you threw this girls and I appreciate everyones advise.

i am sorry you are going through this. i agree that everyone in your bridal party should be people who support you and your FH.... doesn't sound like his brother is very supportive. Do what you and FH want and will make you happy, no one else matteres in this, in the end its you and him that will be married and that is what the day is all about! Let FMIL whine all she wants. good luck

Personally, I feel this is your wedding and no outside opinions should affect what is done or planned for your wedding, especially when it comes to the WP. I had a somewhat similar issue when I told my mother that my two MOH's are my two best and she argued with me that my cousin should be the MOH. I told her it's my choice and she can have her opinion and even share it with me but that doesn't mean I'm going to follow it. My own cousin (who is in the WP) didn't even expect to be the MOH.

You just gotta do what you feel is right hon. If your FMIL has a problem with it, trust me, she'll get over it.

Thanks girls....we have some serious matters to take care of.

BTW, he already told his brother he will be the bestman now....so I am going bananas right now and we are stuck with this dilema.

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Posted by Tracey1979

What about making both of them best men?

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I agree with this. I don´t know the whole story but it seems that FH could be in a position where he sees both sides. He agrees with you on having someone else be the BM for some reasons but at the same time he sees his moms side about having his brother as the BM. He may even feel that he wants him there or should have him there. In this case then maybe the best solution is having two best men. A weddig is a chance to brign the family closer together (hopefully)

That being said, i totally see why you would be upset about you guys decidign one thing and then him changing his mind without consulting you. You want to feel confident that you and the person you are about to join lives with will have your back and work with you and not against you when things get tough. You need to be able to trust each other and rely on each other. Since you are the one in the situation you are the one that can best analize it. Is this a rare occurence that can just be written off as the pressure of the wedding, etc. Or is this something that is a constant. You need to analize that for yourself. Either way you need to speak with him and express your concerns. If its a one time thing dont´make as big a deal about it but definitely let him know that it upset you and why. If this is a contstant then tell him that this is something that worries you for the future. really explain everything to him and see what happens.

But definitely don´t call off the wedding without speaking to him and giving him a chance (unless of coarse you´ve already done this and he continues acting the same). If you guys got engaged it was for a reason. So try to work it out first.

I hope it all works out for you.

I think it is a great idea to have to 2 bestmen! If his brother chooses not to step up then at least you and your FH won't loose out because there will be someone else.

I went through a different but similar situation with my FH. I told him ahead of time that I would not be asking his sisters to be my BM and was fine with it until he told his mom. She got upset and said that I had to include them. But I kept my ground and almost called off the wedding because I was not going to be forced to do anything. That experience actually allowed him to stand up to his mom! We came up with an arrangement and now everything is great. So talk to your FH.

I am SO sorry you are going through this! My FH is also a mama's boy (typical Italian mother). It's gotten to the point that FH and I fought for about 2 days on this (we had a small argument and 30 seconds I got off the phone with him, his mommy called me to 'clear up what he was trying to say'). I explained to him my side of the situation and I'm not having a fight with him and his mommy anymore. I would say think of the big picture (this is how I get through it). Would I rather let his mother win him back and I lose him forever OR do I want to let the little things go, fight for what is mine, and make sure she EVENTUALLY gets who's #1. I told FH (this was only last week) that I will be #2 to no one. We're getting married and if he's going to choose mommy over me then he needs to tell me before we're married. He told me he loves me and I'm going to be his #1 for now on. I would say talk to FH and then think 'is he worth it?' A simple question like that might make you feel a little better.

HTH!

Thanks, he did say he loves me and he is some what scared of what may happen now.
I am thinking of the best man thing and making 2, but I don't know if that will look weird since we only have a total of 8 people in the bridal party.

I have some thinking to do and he needs to step up to the plate a little more.

Thanks again girls for the insight and at least I am not the only one going through this.