Depressed About Things with FH - Update

Glad you talked to him

He probably is just hanging with the guys. Especially since he is asking you to go at times. My husband has alot of social things he gets invited to with his job. It is just basically the guys having a beer discussing work. He does listen when I feel it is getting too much, but I understand how you feel.

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Posted by violet


Yeah, I will especially watch his actions. Luckily, the bar is only a few mins. away, so I can easily know if he's there.

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Not to stick my nose in, but that comment is one of the scarier comments I've heard in this situation. You shouldn't have to babysit him. Marriage is nothing without trust, and that is clearly absent here. I think you really need to seek some sort of guidance if you're going to get through this.

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Posted by Cindy

Glad you talked to him

He probably is just hanging with the guys. Especially since he is asking you to go at times. My husband has alot of social things he gets invited to with his job. It is just basically the guys having a beer discussing work. He does listen when I feel it is getting too much, but I understand how you feel.

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Same here...it's not so much the going out that would bother me in your situation, it's the lying. FH can do whatever he wants (within reason, of course) - he just has to be truthful about it.
Good luck. I'm sure you can work this through.

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Posted by TwoBugs

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Posted by Cindy

Glad you talked to him

He probably is just hanging with the guys. Especially since he is asking you to go at times. My husband has alot of social things he gets invited to with his job. It is just basically the guys having a beer discussing work. He does listen when I feel it is getting too much, but I understand how you feel.

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Same here...it's not so much the going out that would bother me in your situation, it's the lying. FH can do whatever he wants (within reason, of course) - he just has to be truthful about it.
Good luck. I'm sure you can work this through.

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Yeah, I don't mind him going to the bar, but it does bother me if it's about four times in the week like last week. He goes every Friday for happy hour which I could care less about b/c that's just something his co-workers do. And most times he asks me to come down, but who wants to be the only girl there? Once in awhile is fine, but I don't need to hang with him and his friends all the time, especially when they're over sometimes playing air hockey.

I too am a child of an alcoholic and I agree that your FH's behavior does wave more than a few red flags about him maybe having a problem....but I suggest (especially if you have no first hand knowledge of the signs of alcoholism) sitting in on a couple of Ala-non meetings and seeing if the behaviors match up. It will also help you to determine exactly how much of your energy you want to focus on him.

Please feel free to FM me if you want to talk, or even if you want to attend one of these meetings and would like someone to go with.

the other woman on the board have given you some excellent advice. all i can say - is that you have laid your cards on the table, now it is up to your FH. actions do speak VOLUMES above words.

my only piece of advice - if his behavior continues, please understand that it will continue once you are married. people do not change once they have a wedding band on their hand.

best of luck to you!

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I have felt like a 'bar widow' at times. Men sometimes need to prove to themselves or their buddies that they are not 'whipped' by doing the same things they did when they were single. It so silly. I think after you speak with him and over time this will get better.

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That is SOOO true. I have the same prob w/ my FI. A few of his buddies and his BROTHERS (which makes the prob SO MUCH WORSE!) do this to him. FI does not lie to me about it but its very hard bc he is one of those 'too nice' people. He gets roped into feeling bad if he does not hang out w/ them b/c they know he is too nice to say' F-U... I really don't wanna hang out w/ you.' They guilt trip him and say they will not be his friends and stuff. NAd w/ his brothers its worse b/c he cannot get away from them.
I scared the S*** out him the other day when I said the same thing that you are about to say. I also told him that if we have nowhere to live when we get married its all his fault, b/c I work hard and do the right thing all he does is hang out w/ these losers and party.(he freely admits that they are losers too, just too nice of a guy to tell them that!) Now he's looking for a weekend job
Now keep in mind. He did ask you to marry him right? That proves he is willing to change. Its just really hard for guys to do this. They get pressured from all sides to continue to do the things that all the single friends still do. Just asking you to marry them in thier minds should be enough...you have to tell him its not. Its about security and stability, that you have to know 100% that he will be there to take care of you. You just need to talk to him about all this...spell it out clearly. The first step is to stop the lies. FI used to do this to me before we were engaged. Then he would do it and NOT lie about it..thinking it was the lying that was the problem. It was but so was the behavior...it's still a hard job getting him to realize this. I know this is hard...it can work if you talk....

I totally agree w/ you. Being married means being responsible for the 2 of you, as a unit.
Maybe his work friends pressure him to hang out? These are the things you should talk to him about.

He might not be an alcoholic however he does seem to be displaying the behavior of one...Please just be aware of it, and If you just explain your concerns and fear in a honest mannner without hurting one another I think this can become a positive!

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I know you meant well by posting that, but I need to say that's really not true. (so sorry to disagree with you like this).

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Well I really meant it in more of a lifestyle way, not a personal way.
Drinking at the bar w/ your friends 4 nights out of the week is not condusive to a responsible lifestyle. I mean, men have to know that when you get married the antics pulled when you are single no longer are acceptable right?
For example, I don't want FI to stop being nice (change as a person)
I just want the whole bar, staying out all night stuff to stop. (lifestyle)

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Posted by kmcwed

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I don't think he's really an alcoholic, he just likes to hang out with his friends, a lot of them workbuddies, and drink and BS about work. Because when he's home, he really doesn't drink. But he has to realize it's not acceptable to be hanging out in the bar so often, making that a big part of his life.

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You don't have to drink at home to be an alcholic. And being a full blown 'alcoholic' is just one of the levels. There is also something called 'problem drinking,' which is when someone's drinking (whether at home or not) is causing problems in their lives with work, relationships, etc.

I don't think your FH is an alcoholic. But he may be a problem drinker. How much does he drink when he's out??

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He just drinks beer. He has a pretty high tolerance for it. If he's ever really drunk, it's usually if he went out on a Friday or Saturday night which is how I am myself. He doesn't appear drunk when he just goes during week b/c when he does go to bar during week, he is usually home by 7ish, so he's not out very long.

Maybe because I don't have experience with alcoholism, I'm not as worried about your FH as I could be. All I know is that in grad school it was very common for my FH and I to be at the bar 3-5 nights a week. It's just the way we socialized with our friends.

It still does NOT excuse the lying, though. If he's willing to lie about something so stupid, what else would he lie about?