Difficult Mothers

Difficult Mothers

Ok First and foremost, I should say that I am very fortunate to have a family who is able to provide a beautiful wedding for me.

We have not yet decided on who will be doing the flowers on my wedding day. I am not a young 20something bride rather a mid 30s delight (UGH). I have a preference for understated elegance rather than overstated opulence when it comes to the decor of my wedding.

I sat with my mom just throwing around some ideas that I have seen around - some here on LIW and it seems to me as if she is hell-bent on having floral arrangements that suit her tastes. I DON'T want high floral arrangements - she does. I prefer a subdued low type of thing. I DON'T want ANY white or super light pastel colors in any of my arrangements - she does. Mom is having a very hard time thinking outside of her box.

She calls me closed-minded because of my OPINIONS. Now where I come from an opinion is never wrong. I won't have some sort of epiphany that says 'Gee, I now like tomatoes after 34 years of despising them.'

So basically, what it boils down to is this: I feel as if the fact that my family is providing for my wedding is being held over my head and I have to sacrifice my preferences in decor (and probably music too) because of this. Maybe 'sacrifice' is too strong of a word. Mom is almost 40 years older than I am - our tastes will NOT be the same.

Any suggestions (or drugs ) that may help me deal with an overbearing mother would be appreciated.

Re: Difficult Mothers

I havent gotten very far in the planning so I have yet to fight over flower arrangements and such, but the way I see it:
1st and foremost- this is YOUR wedding, never do something that you despise!!!
2nd- since family is helping alot, do take into consideration what they would like to see in this wedding... maybe use an idea of theirs that you are less particular about...
3rd- DRINK ALOT!!

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what if you say to your mom... fine i'll pay for the flowers then... and then you can pick out what you want... do you think that would make her realize how much you dont like it her way??

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I think I am just gonna tell her that I want gyrating Elvis dolls as my centerpieces and call it a day - I'll never win!

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Re: Difficult Mothers

oh yeah on a lighter note;

Paxil will get you thru.

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Unfortunately for me, the only way to get what *I* wanted was to foot the bill for it myself. I paid for 100% of all of my flowers, 100% of my invitations, 100% of my photo, 100% of my video (you catch my drift...)

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Re: Difficult Mothers

Take it from someone who has the most overbearing mother of all, getting what you want is not going to be easy. I have had opposition from my mom since the moment I started planning. She made me cry while I was trying on dresses, she almost made me have my wedding at the ICP with no outdoor ceremony area, got ticked off because I wasn't getting married in a church, and basically has shot down every creative idea I've had. I don't even want to get started on the flowers. We haven't gone yet and I am absolutely DREADING it. All in all though I have to say that in the end through compromise I have gotten what I wanted. I even called up my hall and prepped the BM on what to say to mom to get her to book! I'm keeping the DJ play list a secret and am making up a 'fake' one with the songs that she is 'demanding'. It's easy to say that you should sit down and tell her that it's your wedding but somehow it always got turned around and she said I was being condecending. If flowers are that important to you, I suggest paying for them yourself. The only areas my mother couldn't stick her nose into were the one that FH and I are paying for ourselves. (Obviously she had an opinion about those too but there was nothing she could do about it!!!!). Good luck from a 30 something bride too. If you need any moral support I'm here

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Wow! I feel much better reading that you ladies are having the same experience i am with my mom! I love the lady to death but she was driving me INSANE this past week!!!! I'm doing my best to not let her get to me but it's been tough! Today, i'm going dress shopping with her...I'll just have to remember to laugh off some of her 'ideas'!!! It's good to know i'm not alone!!!

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Mine was difficult also, and I though I wouldn't survive the planning process. She footed most of the cost for the reception hall, so I thought it only fair to include her on some of my ideas. Like invitations, I got some catalogs and samples and showed her what I like. Of course she didn't like them. She likes the poofy, embossed type with carriages and roses and doves etc. But she said, 'it's your wedding'. Although she did say it in a 'you're going to regret this decision way', I said, 'We're getting this one'. And that was that....When DH made a decision on the reception hall, we brought the parents to see. Fortunatley, the centerpieces were included.

Good luck and stay strong!!!

Donna
10/5/03

Re: Difficult Mothers

Do we have the same mother??

DH and I were also fortunate to have our parents paying for our wedding, but that always comes along with the 'who's wedding is this really?' question.

My mother could not open her mind up to consider anything that was slighty different from her picture of a 'traditional Jewish wedding,' and like your mother, she told me I was being closed-minded when my opinion didn't match hers.

Basically, I learned to pick and choose my battles with her. I fought for the things that were really important to be, and let her have her way with others. We made a lot of decisions with both sets of parents, so there were often 6 opinions!

Maybe you can ask your mom if you can go to some florists and 'discuss' the options for CPs. If an 'expert' tells her how nice the low centerpieces are, her opinion may be swayed. I know in my mom's case, something that's wrong when I say it can suddenly become 'the right thing to do' if she hears it from a close friend or a professional.

Good luck with everything!

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I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this right now. Both my parents have had heart surgery (dad had a quadruple bypass while i was in college, and my mom had a valve repair 7 months before the wedding). During my mom's recovery, I was so nervous to bring up wedding stuff b/c I didn't want to stress her out or cause aggravation..it's so difficult b/c we're supposed to be sharing the joy in all of this with our mothers. Even without all the medical issues, wedding planning is unfortunately never stress free. You're lucky to have your siblings and FH for support. I would suggest trying to talk to them about the wedding stuff more than your mom, to avoid arguments...I know it's hard though. Feel free to FM anytime if you want to talk.

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Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Though I am willing to bet you dont have older 2 sisters pushing 50 years old

They can and often are WORSE than dealing with my mother. I am, however blessed to have them. Had it not been for them and my brother, I wouldnt have a wedding. When they revamped my parents estate before mom's procedure, they established a trust so my wedding would be paid for in the event that my parents would not be there. I am lucky and I know this. When I thanked them individually, they each said to me that what they did was based on what Mom and Dad would have done in the best of conditions. They are right. I am blessed to have a good family - they can be pains in the butt but I know I am loved.

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Try an Italian Mother with a side of Italian Grandmother.

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This thread has 'support group' written all over it. Thanks for all of your support.

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Re: Difficult Mothers

Re: Difficult Mothers